Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.

79K views 254 replies 51 participants last post by  John2012 
#1 ·
I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


 
See less See more
#2 ·
Danger.

She must quit the job. She must go no contact with that guy - Yesterday.

She cant compare the intensity of your EA with her full blown PA. Cheaters do this anyway.

Go to newbies link at the beginning of the forum.

Go and see your doctor.

Postpone all your decisions to stay or not - until you get your head to reasonably think.
 
#3 ·
Shattered. It is a good sign that your wife came clean but there are still a lot of question marks. A lot will depend on your wife. It will depend on how remorsefull she is, how honest she is, and how much of an effort she puts forth.

First off, don't necessarily trust your wife. She may be lying to you. Why did she pick now to tell you? She may have been with this guy for a whole year, and after he dumped her she decided to save her marriage. She may have had no intention of telling you, it's possible the other mans wife was about to drop the dime.

The first step is to set the tone. She may be remorsefull but don't let her minimize what she did or let her try to blame you for it. The second thing is you have to spy on her. Put in a VAR and get all of her passwords. Don't ask her for these get this info yourself.

Don't back down an inch. If you decide she has to quit her job, she has to quit. Not saying you should tell her to do this, but from here on out she is the one who has to accommodate you.

Finally, be very skeptical of what your wife tells you. It is rare for a woman to spill the beans completely, almost always they will hide important elements and try to manipulate you. Let her know unequivocally that you demand all of the truth, and if you do not get it you will divorce her. If she balks it is time for the 180.

Stay strong brother!
 
#37 ·
Experience has shown that the OMW found out and WW is afraid the OMW was going to expose the affair to you. Damage control.

Sex that one time. You yourself said WW pulled away a long time ago. Getting home after your went to bed many times.

Sorry to say your has been doing this OM every way she can as many times as she could.

Your WW must leave this job ASAP. There must be NC between the WW and the OM.

You must expose the affair. The OMW needs to be told about the affair. So must WW parents and her siblings.

WW and OM must be exposed at work. What size business does WW work at. Expose CEO/owner, Board of Directors, Human Resources Director. Send registered letter and emails to all of the above.

Schedule a polygraph test for your WW. Tell her the appointment date. As the day approaches she will trickle truth you some more to get you to cancel the test. Just tell WW that you need to still have the test to confirm everything.

Also when you contact the OMW, best done by phone, or in person, you may find out that she knows a lot more about the affair then your WW has told you.

You need to without telling the WW put a key logger on the PC, hide a VAR in WW car and the home. Hide a realtime GPS on WW car.

THen tell WW she must give you access to cell, phone bills, passwords to all of WW internet uses, including work, to verify NC with the OM.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

edit to add:

No more over night work trips with this job and any other job she may have.
 
#4 ·
Oh Boy!

You are not getting the whole truth. Believe me.
She is not even remorseful. My take is that she has been
involved in a affair all this time.Hence she is telling you now..
The question is why is she telling you now..





I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us,Why is she asking? She should/know´s the answer..

I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere
I don't think you did.


but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in officeYou see you did not miss anything.

- now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it .

Here is where you missed it.:(


When she mentioned this I was still fine –

she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happenedspur of the moment etc./B] Just happened?
Yeah right. Did she not tell you that for about 20-30 she started
to like the guy??


Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year)
They never do..


and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch
Yeas and Santa is for real..


it was like a one-night stand.Sigh. What happened with the 20-30 day´s?


She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out She has ball´s i give her that..


because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with Really? Why now?


– and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how. She could not have
figured it out one year ago.. And what makes her feel,you want to figure it out now? Especially you was never given a chance to begin with..

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with Of course you feel that way.
She show´s no remorse

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it ,Like i said ,she does have balls´s and a whole lot of arrogance.

or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this with her/B]
Ask her would she pull it of if the shoe was on the other foot.

we both do on sorting this out. As of now.The only sorting out is the complete truth.Nothing else matter´s before
you know every thing.

And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? See above

If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept?It sadly was not the only time it happened.


Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well
So that is how it works?

(in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required ,


in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem Seriously? come on.Its not a small part. ITS HUGE.

the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin withYeas she is right on the money on that one.

where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.
The "gap" is simply.She never made an effort.


My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.
Like i said ,she never made an effort.And this is what i said
in the beginning.Why is she telling you this now.


As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.Understandable .Don´t make any rash decision´s right now.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much See the bolded part,with out any remarks from me..

, there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again
Seriously? You should be assured nothing will happen.

She has chosen her job before you.Even when she promised do do anything, to make this right.You should be insulted by that.

that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.
Same answer as above..

You really need to expose this. And make her leave her job..

Trust me you do not even know half of the story.


 
#5 ·
Shattered,

I am amazed at how your wife is trying to minimize her infidelity.

Ask her how she would feel if you had sex 6 years ago with the woman in your office and you told her to "get over it" and told your wife to try not to think about it?

If there is one quick way to destroy a marriage it is with infidelity.

I am sorry that you are going through this because your reaction is more than normal. If her news that she cheated with another man wasn't a bombshell and it didn't devastate you, I would wonder what kind of marriage you were in with your wife.

You are absolutely correct in the fact that she had sex with the OM twice in the same night says this was not an accident. The fact that your wife admitted she went back for a 2nd helping in the same night with the other man, says volumes.

Do you believe her that they only had sex on that one night and that she has never since had sex with the OM since that night?

Angryandused has given you some great advice in recommending you read the the newbie link.

Affaircare wrote it so well.
"Actually it's not that you don't trust your DS. You do. You 100% trust them to lie. Your DS has proven, more than once, that they're willing to look you in the eye and lie so they can continue their affair, so you completely and fully trust the DS's ability to deceive you. Thus don't be fooled--it's not a trust issue. It is an HONESTY issue."

Angryandused is correct, she needs to quit her job. Your wife says she will make the effort. That effort needs to be her finding a new job, otherwise you will never stop worrying if she is still continuing with the OM.

Doing some detective as recommended with a VAR or keystroke logger would help you determine if she is no longer making contact with the OM. But she should be offering you complete transparency with any and all passwords.

How much do you know about the man your wife cheated with? Is he married?

Your wife needs to write a letter of no contact (also discussed in newbie thread)

I am glad that at least you are not trying to rug sweep this affair as your wife seems to want to do.
 
#6 ·
She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out.
This made my blood boil :mad:

Not only is she getting you to rugsweep the whole thing but it's as if she's dictating the terms of reconciliation. Shattered, I know you have 11 years with this person but this is very worrying to hear.
 
#7 · (Edited)
Why would anyone knowingly allow/participate in teasing a spouse in part of an ongoing joke of "liking" a coworker????? No red flags raised then? It's not something to joke about now.

As long as she works with the other man and there is no exsposure of the affair to the OM family/coworkers. There will never be any true reconciliation. No matter how you justify it, rugsweep it, swear on the bible, or any other reasoning.

She wont leave her job because she loves it and apparently loved having sex with her coworker twice. She expects YOU to get over it.

Your going to have to set up some very strong boundaries if you want this marriage to continue. Be prepared if she chooses her career over you.

You will never get the "peace of mind" needed for reconciliation with your wife as long as she works at her job with the OM. Its hard enough as it is when there is no contact with the affair partner and the best reconciliation efforts of the cheating spouse.
 
#23 ·
Why would anyone knowingly allow/participate in teasing a spouse in part of an ongoing joke of "liking" a coworker?????
It was under very innocent circumstances , the guy had a crush , i did not anticipate or even imagine that this is what it would turn out to be.

Expose the affair to everyone. Inform her/om boss and the hr department.
I was thinking on the HR department ,and yes i was only thinking it from a revenge perspective , get one of them thrown out however i need to understand their policies better - if its an ongoing relationship then its different , if its between a boss and a junior then its serious , but between 2 colleagues at par in the same office but different departments - i am not sure but i do plan on exploring this.

Sorry, but your wife left the marriage about two years ago. I would recommend Bangkok Thailand but that is just me. GYou are worth it.
Not at all , i love both those places - in fact went to Bangkok with the wife recently - supposed post her starting to have problems :-(



Has it occurred to you that OM is divorcing because he had an affair with your wife? Hence her coming clean?

Have you checked her cellphone record´s?
Have you put a key logger on the home computer?
If not do it ASAP..
No , his divorce proceedings have been on for longer , they are not a result of this incident.

No keylogger or any other software yet , never thought i would require it but not done yet.



Also , am i being morbid wanting to more details on the sex they had? is it normal , expected or am i really unnecessarily asking for more details than required - i asked her a couple of questions straight out - she says she does not want to get into details , that it happened and i should leave it at that - needless to say i suppose everyone here can assume the type of questions i would have asked.
 
#8 ·
Thank you all for taking the time out to respond to me, i cannot begin to tell you how good it makes me fell to be able to connect with others on this.

The other guy is not married , in fact he is undergoing divorce proceedings - talk about not being able to save his own marriage and now he is going after mine. But while i do blame him , not the same amount as my wife - he had no reason to stop , its wishful thinking on my part to assume that he would have the morals or the ethics to do that - my wife should have stopped it.

Why is she telling me now - well to quote her , because she wants to work it out , she wants to reduce the 'gap' - and she cannot do that without coming clean. She said that it would have been easier to simply not tell me about this incident in particular , but she felt she needed to be honest with me.

What i am also a little concerned about , though not so much at the moment , is how she is taking stock of the future - she is assertive in saying 'dont walk out now - if you do then there is no turning back and 11 years deserves more , i cannot be receptive later , i need to be receptive now to her efforts , walking out will not help if we wish to make an effort' - then she closes it off by saying - and if in a few months there is still no 'bridging the gap' , or i am still not over this incident then we can always go our own ways then .......

......... a bit strange , i would think she would be going all out to convince me that things will work out , when i asked her why she is even contemplating things not working out , she says she is just discussing a hypothetical scenario , but she is sure it will - after all she got over my indiscretion as well - and because she got over it , she knows i will and hence her insisting for time to work on this.
 
#61 ·
Why is she telling me now - well to quote her , because she wants to work it out , she wants to reduce the 'gap' - and she cannot do that without coming clean. She said that it would have been easier to simply not tell me about this incident in particular , but she felt she needed to be honest with me.

.
Yes it would be easier ,if there would be zero change for you to find it out.

Maybe the other man wanted more then an affair with her after his divorce . And she knew that he could tell you ( it has happen).

Or maybe someone ( friends , co-worker ) have learned something and there was the danger to inform you.

Or the wife of the OM knows something ,and she tries to control the outcome of the whole mess

The way you describe her she seems not remorseful but more as calculating .

The most probable scenario is that she had a affair with him for a longer period then she claims . Had more sex that she admits .

And as i said , from you description she seems very calculating

Until know the only info that you have is from her . You need to find your own information .Keylogger ,Var , bugs , Pi ,....

And find the OMW and ask her what she knows

A lie detection test would be a good start , to see the extent of her deception.

Never trust a cheater even if he/she admits her indiscretion , there is always something more that they not tell you

And as for not quitting her job , that is a recipe for destruction
 
#9 · (Edited)
Boy....that's really something. As everyone said, you sure are not getting the full picture. So many questions raised. Why now? Why is she so calm and collective? Telling you to calm down while telling you this.

It just came out like a blur huh? So fast that it was confusing. It's like you were forced to reconcile before you knew she cheated (what does this sentence mean, I have no idea).

Here's what I got out of this, I'm sorry if I'm wrong or if you view differently....

My guess is she REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY thought it out on how to do damage control: Her stating what your goals are to reconcile; stating she has to pull more to "reduce the gap"; telling you to be "be receptive" without it, it wouldn't work. It's so precise and accurate it's pretty scary reading your post.

It seems like you're shell-shocked and were so caught off guard that you didn't even have time to even think about geting mad and put your defenses up. From what I read, it's like the betrayer has forced you to reconcile. Swift action to make it go her way.

Being that she's so thorough on what needs to be done, I'm having doubts that she came out of the fog. Perhaps she knew what she was doing. Knew that you are the long-term man while he the short term. He was her sexual fix. Perhaps while she was in the affair, planned things out just in case word may have spread closer to you and THAT day was when she thought you may have gotten word. Also it's a possibility you are a really nice but indecisive guy and is taking advantage of you and telling you what to do.

I may be over thinking things and a little paranoid because I've been watching mystery movies as of late. But it's never bad to be too careful.

Good luck bro. This is a tough road ahead.:(
 
#10 ·
Well i am sure everyone is going to call me gullible - but i would like to believe i am getting the true picture but i completely agree on that she has had time to think about it. She has , close to 2 months to figure out how she wants to approach me , broach the subject etc etc


Boy....that's really something. As everyone said, you sure are not getting the full picture. So many questions raised. Why now? Why is she so calm and collective? Telling you to calm down while telling you this.

My guess is she REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY thought it out on how to do damage control. It seems like you're shell-shocked and were so caught off guard that you didn't even have time to even think about geting mad and put your defenses up.

Good luck bro. This is a tough road ahead.:(
 
#11 · (Edited)
Well she has a game plan in case you don't "push it to the back of your mind". She cheats and gives you the ultimatum. WOW. For that reason alone I would file now. Your gullible. "Like to believe" and reality are two different things. READ THE OTHER POSTS ON THIS SITE. There is always more to what is willingly told from a cheating spouse.
 
#12 ·
I don't think she has any idea of teh gravity of the situation here. Or what she has to do for theer to be a hope of you trusting her ever again.

If she could come on here, and be told by the experts (i.e. not me) - people who know, because they've done it - or tried and failed - maybe she would understand.

Right now it seems her attitiude is wholey inadequate.
 
#13 ·
Also refusing to leave the job when it is the constant source of the affair?

She said she has the ability to control herself now that she's "out of the fog" but according to her story she didn't have self-control when "it just happened". You can't shut off an oil-well fire without cutting off its fuel.

In this case she doesn't want to shut it off (work).

I still believe she planned out this fling, knowing it was for sex. Knowing that you are the long term man.

Whatever path you take, as long as you have control, it should work out. Good luck sir! :(
 
#16 ·
Yeah. I would do that too. But do this if you KNOW you don't want to be with her anymore. Because chances are, she'll hate you for it. She might think of it as revenge rather you trying to help her. I think if exposed only to family chances of reconciling are better. Including friends makes it harder.
 
#15 ·
Sorry, but your wife left the marriage about two years ago. Just my guess from what you wrote. She also had sex with this guy way more than two times. Again I am very sorry.
Your wife has replaced you as her number one, you are safe and comfortable but not sexy to her. You can read thru alot of the post here and come to an understanding of what happened and then mopp about it or you can take action to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer and get your things in order. Next, I want you to book a trip somewere for two weeks. I would recommend Bangkok Thailand but that is just me. Go somewere were they do not speak english and you have to struggle. The reason for the trip is for the "New You" to emerge. Do worry about the wife or marriage, just worry about YOU! Try new things, new foods, new dancing,new clothing, new hotels, new travel even, new girls if you must. The point of this is for you to break out of your old life and understand that your old life is over and a wonderful new life is going to begin. Do not hate your wife, it just a waste, just start to love yourself. You are worth it.
 
#17 ·
You wrote

The other guy is not married , in fact he is undergoing divorce proceedings - talk about not being able to save his own marriage and now he is going after mine

Has it occurred to you that OM is divorcing because he had an affair with your wife? Hence her coming clean?
but she felt she needed to be honest.
with me
And that took her 2 month´s to figure out?

The more i read your post.The more convinced i get,that is so much more to this story that you know of..

Have you checked her cellphone record´s?
Have you put a key logger on the home computer?
If not do it ASAP..
 
#19 ·
Yeah. I would do that too. But do this if you KNOW you don't want to be with her anymore. Because chances are, she'll hate you for it. She might think of it as revenge rather you trying to help her. I think if exposed only to family chances of reconciling are better. Including friends makes it harder.
The marriage is over regardless if she continues to work with the OM. She won't leave her job because she "LOVES IT".

Does she value the marriage or the job more? What are the consequences she is willing to face for her actions? So far she gets the cheating off her chest, keeps the job that provided the environment/build up of the affair and also continues to work with the man she "likes" and has already f@#ked.

If the roles where reversed she would/should want the same. How can anyone expect trust to be regained when their is ongoing contact with the OM/OW at work???????
 
#20 ·
Her attitude to the affir is one exactly like an executive mistake she is addmitting to. Admitting the affir now smackes of someone else outside her and the Om knowing and is likely to be telling you. She seems to have got her side in first.

She will still have contact with this guy staying where she is. There is and will be opportubnities to have another go at sometime.

Is the other guy marride? (didnt see a note to this ) but has he someone who also may have found out. Your W wants a quiet "sort out" as she doesnt want her "team " getting to know to much. So she is controlling you and the situation as mush as possible.
She does not be be away from this company as in your heart youll not be feeling safe when shes away (off site). Its you that needs to now take the tillar and control the direction even though you feel hurt, she needs to see you "man up" and respect you for that. As for the sex ONCE in her eyes it was indeed twice so she didnt think about you after the first event and clearly didnt have pangs of guilt to let him climb on board the second time.
You admit to a feeling for a female coworker, that was all it was it went nowhere and that means you tokk and maintained control. She used thsi as a "but youve dont it" point to make her fell better and pass her guilt to you to warrent the sexual nature of her affair.
Some very strong talking needed here with clear accepted bounries. I feel that this is not the end of whats been happeneing and there is a huge amount going on and still may be in progress.
 
#21 ·
@AlphaHalf

I completely agree. To me a marriage would be over at strike 1 cause I'm less forgiving when it comes to infidelity. But he hasn't stated what if he's going to do. And you know how many of these threads where the BS is in limbo and extremely indecisive. I answered him for both paths.

I wish you luck but if you try to look through threads here, there are many that were posted in reconciliation and ultimately transferred to separation and divorce.

Reconciliation is an extremely tough and mysterious road. The reward for working so hard may or may not be to your liking. That is, if you do get to the other side.
 
#22 ·
Am I reading this correctly?

This woman cheated, then informs the OP how he is to feel about it, and what his timeframe is for recovery, and that he'd BETTER get with her program if there is any hope for him...



I sincerely hope that OP mans up and puts this creature in her place.
 
#25 ·
@ Jonesey

Thats where i am confused , she accepts that the sex was all her fault and she is to blame - but her entire argument is that the sex happened as a result of a certain distance between us , the reasons for the distance might not entirely be her fault - this distance is the larger issue and that is what we (her and me) should be focusing on not the one night stand.
 
#29 ·
Hm... This distance is due to your work schedules right? Do you think your suggestion that she leave her job would fix it? You already saved time for the weekend and apparently it didn't work. Would keeping her work schedule change that?

It may not entirely her fault but from your story it sure is a bigger chunk of it.
 
#27 ·
2 colleagues at par in the same office but different departments
Doesn't matter. Your wife is cheating with a coworker on the job. Send it to HR the CEO and the janitor if need be. The OM is going through a Divorce so he is still technically married. Regardless if his marriage is ending for other reasons, I'm sure it still involves your wife in some way. Also the timing of this divorce can be perceived that way. Include that in the letter as well. A formal complaint about her actions don't look good for the company, workplace moral and the gossip it brings.
 
#32 ·
Some of this from her, is probably revenge---at least it is somewhat of a justification, in her mind.

Her very hi level professional attitude about the whole thing---smacks of her, having already had some counseling or therapy----so you are the last to know

Look you can't just let this be swept under the rug---and let it go as being a hoity--toity high level tea time mistake----she F'ing gave herself to another man---she chose him over you---he very possibly is still in her mind---she very possibly still sees him---she says no---but remember this, she has come home for over a year now looked you in the eyes, and said everything was fine----SHE KNOWS HOW TO LIE/decieve/manipulate/and plan what she needed to do to carry out her A----it just didn't happen.---she didn't just lay down with a strange man who is not her H, and spread her legs!!!!

If there was such a problem, and you were her no. 1 boy---she would/should have come to you, and discussed the problem, and how to solve it-----you were not her no 1 boy, and so she left you out in the cold----are you still plan B---who knows

As to her job---2 ways to go on this---if you are to R---she gives up the job---it WILL be part of your boundaries, and consequences---if you think you do not wanna stay in this mge-----your sub--conscious is definitely gonna have something to say about this---then she keeps her job, and you pay no alimony

Do not let the 11 yrs of mge that you both invested in, stand in the way of your decision making----the 11 yrs, certainly didn't come into play in her thinking when she spread her legs for her lover----and you better believe over a yrs time with her lover there was more than one physical situation

Remember---you only get one trip thru life on this planet---ONE ONLY---how do you wanna spend it----with visions and triggers, leading to misery----or possibly in a new life, eventually with a woman who will talk to you if there are problems-------your life---your decision
 
#35 ·
I wanted to post a cogent comment on this but too angry at this time.

OP you are getting trickle truthed, blameshifted, rugswept and generally screwed over by her.

At he very least HR should be told. I beg you to do this for your own self respect.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OldWolf57
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top