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Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.

79K views 254 replies 51 participants last post by  John2012 
#1 ·
I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


 
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#36 ·
Couple things...

1) How do you know that your wife's hours are as grueling as she says they are? My suspicion is that a significant amount of the time that she was supposed to be working late at the office was actually dedicated to spending time with this OM.

2) You wife tells you that you need to get over this and she's giving you about 4 months to do this before she walks. On top of that she tells you to not leave immediately or the door closes forever (like she's giving you a one time deal...). Even worse, she tries to guilt you into not leaving right away because YOU would be throwing away an 11 year marriage. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS GUILT. She was the one that threw away the marriage - not you.

3) DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HER CHEATING ON YOU. You are partially to blame for the distance within your marriage. However, the only 2 acceptable choices your wife had were to either tell you her problems with you so that the two of you could work them out or to leave you because she can't take the emotional distance anymore. The WRONG choice was to have an affair and still remain married to you. That is 100% wrong and you need to start putting ALL of this mess on her. She deserves it and all of the scorn, ridicule and contempt that you are bottling up but will not share with her.

In the end, do what you want and what you feel is right for you. But if it was me in this situation, I would not be able to live with myself if I tried to reconcile with this woman given the actions she has taken so far. She has shown you zero respect and is trying to manipulate you into sweeping this affair under the rug and for you to take the blame for the affair. I would take none of it and the next time she would tell me that I should not throw away an 11 year marriage, I'd respond by telling her that "I didn't throw anything away. You made the choice to throw this marriage away by sleeping with another man - more than once. I think you are lying and that you have had sex with this man more than twice, and if you don't tell me the complete truth now, then I'm divorcing you." If she insists that she's telling you the truth, then I'd call her a liar and that we are done. I'm seeing a lawyer first thing in the morning.
 
#39 ·
So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive.

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.
She will do as much as is required, but she will not leave her job.

So, in other words, she will NOT do as much as is required, she will only do what suits her.
 
#41 ·
Your wife needs to take a polygraph about the true extent of this and any other affairs.

She did tell you, but she only told you the most minimized sanitized version possible. This says to me she was sure someone else was going to expose it. It may have gotten around work as a rumor or the OMW.

Don't believe your wife anything she tells you about the OM or his situation. He may not even really be divorced, or it may in fact be recent. You should locate his wife and verify.


As for your wife, shes not doing anything for you or healing the marriage. She threw around a few tears a you, which were entirely pitty me tears. When they didn't work they stopped entirely and you then got the ultimatum to get over it, don't ask too many details, nd rugsweep. OR your one chance to have her stay will be taken off the table.

That's not a wife who has remorse and wants to fix the marriage she destroyed and betrayed.

That's a wife who is feeling confident in her choice to have an affair and she's set you up to fail. I think she may very well be trying to use this as an exit affair, and your inability to just get over it as the real reason to D.

I can say for certain you do not have the truth by a long shot.

I can also say that in every case where an affair was rugswept, that more affairs came later. When the cheater faces no actually consequences for their betrayal, they learn they cn do it agsin anytime they want.

What I see here is your wife dictating terms, issuing ultimatums and refusing herself to change or do not a thing differently.

Did she throw herself at you snd offer you as much sex as you want? (nope)

Dud she change her schudule to have more time with you?

Did she stop going out with friends so she could work on building the marriage?

Did she offer full transparency, give up all her passwords?

Did she stop talking to the OM

Did she offer to take a polygraph ?

Did she do anything ?

No,no,no to all the above.

And there's the problem.

------

First find out the. Truth about the affair. From her past behavior this is either not the first affair or it is more than a ONS.

Find and talk to the OMW. Do no tell your wife you are doing this. she will warn the OM.

Be prepared to contact HE and expose this.

She must get STD tested. They didn't use protection even if she says they did.

Check her phone records and check her phone. I'm guessing it's nicely password locked and kept from you isnt it?

Lastly....

Do not accept her selfish terms, which are basically.

Hurry up and get over this, and dont expect her to change anything she's doing, because while sex may have been wrong, it was really all your fault.


Call her out on those selfish awful uncaring terms snd tell her if that's what she's offering, then she can leave.
 
#46 ·
She may have loved you at some point in the past, but she doesn't love you now and probably won't in the future if you keep going like you are going. For sure she does not respect you. How can she if you are staying with her after she admitted her infidelity. I don't know if your a "needy" person or not but you sure are sounding like it. Start proceedings, she's stringing you along for what ever reason.
 
#47 ·
To honestly answer that - no i am not , if you mean needing to be with her all the time , talk to her 10 times a day etc etc , then no thats not me - i appreciate and respect the other persons need for space as i would expect them to respect mine - but with always a belief in that the ground the relationship stands on is solid and because it is - we will always fell the need for each other , but not needy.

However she is , and as i mentioned in my original post , i think , because she stopped being needy , i noticed the change , but attributed it to the fact thats she has grown up and matured a bit as well - she understands that not being around with each other all the time does not mean not wanting each other , or not loving each other and that work has taught us to do that - for the better.

I am happy to listen to ideas , make an effort in trying to ensure that there is always some excitement in our lives , but you cant make money unless you work hard at it as well , and if money is important at this point - if it was not , we both would stay home.


I don't know if your a "needy" person or not but you sure are sounding like it. Start proceedings, she's stringing you along for what ever reason.
 
#48 ·
Shattered; it doesn't happen very often that get angry from reading posts here at TAM, your story made my blood boil.

I am sorry you found this place, noone really wanna be here. But now you're her, learn from all the collective wisdom on the board - read the stories, the advice given and apply your own situation to what you read. You have been given link to newbie thread already - read it carefully.

Do you have kids? If not, do you plan to have children in the near future? How old are you?

I am sorry to be so direct, but your wife is walking all over you in this tragic story - is it something she is accustomed to in other areas of your relationship?

Listen; you need to step up and gain control over this mess. Your wife screwed up, she doesn't get to decide what you need to do and not do!

So you tell her that you haven't decided yet whether or not you will stay married to her and that you will let her current and future actions help you make the decission.

She will tell you everything you want to know or you are out. She doesn't get to set the timeline for your recovery, these things take time. I'm 19 months out and I am not quite there yet, so you just take your time. If she can't accept that, she's free to leave.

If she decides to work on your marriage given these new conditions, she will write a no contact letter to OM and she will do everything in her power to prove to you that she has no contact with him (ie. leave her job). You need to verify to the best of your ability.

Expose the affair to parents, inlaws and maybe workplace, to get support for rebuilding your relationship.

Oh, by the way, important, get tested for STDs - make your wife do the same.

Don't let her decide the rules for this. If you want to work on this (divorce is also an option), you will have more cheating down the road, if you don't get a grip on this.

My best wishes for you - take care of yourself, eat, sleep and work out to maintain some kind of balance in your life.
 
#49 ·
Thank you! i understand what you mean about not wanting a place like this existing , but currently i am so so glad that it is.

Yes , someone directed me towards newbie but it was not a link , and i have scanned the forum index 3 times and not been able to locate it - must be going blind with the cheating as well now....

No kids yet thank god i suppose. We were planning to try next year , we were also going to shift into our own house next year - i feel like such an ass now because for the last 15 days one has been going around choosing flooring and tiles etc etc as if everything is hunky dory!

I have told her about getting a test done , there is no question of me having sex with her anytime ( I feel like i am in a threesome) soon so i dont really care when she gets it done

And please dont apologies for being direct , by all means do , maybe thats what i need!
 
#53 ·
We know you wanted to beleive her story as evrey BSs (including me) but realise one thing there is more to the story. She is damage control, minimizing and testing the waters to know your reactions. If you could get over it then she can do it more without any consequences over and over.

Cheaters open their mouth to lie, minimize and blame shift. We have to verify everything they says.

Why she confessed? definitely not to reduce the gap, if so she wshould have done this before banging someone on your back She was about to get exposed by someother. She gave you what she beleive you will get over. Its not complete truth.

She banged OM second time also without any guilt then why she stopped it at two? What prevented her from 3,4 or 5? I strongly believe that its an ongoing A.

Did you made any attempt to verify what she told you? If not do that.
Get tested for STDs and expose this A to her and your family. Dont allow her to rug sweep. Make her to tell the families. If you rug sweep this she will do it again and again.

She is not remorseful, she didnt confess because of the guilt. Was this A an exit A, she may be trying to show others that you got D because you are too paranoid or jelous who couldnt get over her ONS.
She is the one cheated not you then how can she dictate the terms of R?Its too cruel to ask you to get over her cheating.

Take the control back, talk to her explain your terms for the R. If she agrees the give the R a shot else get ready for the D. Dont remain in this marriage as a cuckold or doormat husband without any balls.
 
#54 ·
Did you made any attempt to verify what she told you? If not do that.
Dont remain in this marriage as a cuckold or doormat husband without any balls.
No i have not , i have not even spoken to the guy yet , i dont want this to play out like a bad Indian movie where i barge into her office or whatever and unleash a force of destruction - i am tempted to be honest , but like i said earlier , i cant really hold the guy responsible for anything, or accountable - ya sure i can tell him / ask him - why did you sleep with my wife - all he has to do is reply saying because she wanted to , and thats the end of my reasoning capabilities. Beyond that he does not have a wife , so there is nothing there , company HR , maybe , will see.

And no , i dont want to be the guy who does not have balls , i want to take a stand , i want to be able to respect myself and tell her to FO , but its not easy.
 
#56 ·
Tell her to take the poly test. Don't ask her. She is the one that's supposed to be doing "whats required" to save the marriage, not what she thinks is required. So make a poly test a requirement for you.

She already doesn't want to leave her job with the affair partner. What else is she not willing to do???
 
#57 ·
Shattered. For your wife to give you an ultimatum and treat you like a business client is unfathomable. Do you think if she really loved you she would risk losing you so? Do you think if she loved you she would not be fighting tooth and nail to win you over?

Wether you take her back or not is your call. But don't be a chump. Don't be someone's safe choice. You owe it to yourself to find someone who loves you deeply. Give her the 180 and call her bluff.
 
#58 ·
She was obviously very prepared to confront you with her affair, maybe she read a book online, whatever, but it certainly sounds like she was following a script.

Based on what you've written, I see the following scenario as the most likely:
  1. The OM, who's going through a divorce, is hurt and desperate (we don't know why he's divorcing), he pursues a 'chick', any half way decent girl will do, your wife is in close proximity, the seduction begins.
  2. Your wife is flattered by the attention, she thinks she's special, it doesn't register in her head that she's just a rebound chick for this guy.
  3. They both do what comes natural, they have sex.
  4. One of them is disillusioned after the night of sex and isn't interested in going further.

Most likely, at least, if it was me, I would be thinking that:
  • Either he lost interest in your wife, she's crushed by the rejection, she's afraid you notice a difference, comes clean, but somewhere in her mind holds out hope that the OM will pursue her again.
  • Or, after that night, she realized he wasn't all that, dumped him, felt guilty and came clean. She's so sure that he means nothing to her that she's very direct with you about not worrying about him and let's move forward.

In either scenario, your wife is operating from a delusional perspective, she thinks this is something she is in full control of and you need not worry yourself to much with the details.

Here's the problem, you don't know how committed your wife is in her offer to reconcile the marriage; you'll need to KNOW that before going further, and the only way to know it is to her agreeing to many, many, many, heart to heart talks in which everyone comes completely clean. This includes who dumped who, who pursued who, etc, etc.

Now... let me say this, if it was me, and I was your age, and had no kids, it would be a no brainer, I would be gone. There would be no way I would want to live with the insecurity. Additionally, I would be compelled to leave simply because she said, "don't walk out now - if you do then there is no turning back and 11 years deserves more...". Seriously? No turning back? She wouldn't fight for me to return?

So, Shattered, you need to decide whether or not you will be able to live with the uncertainty; maybe you can.

One thing is certain, don't have a baby yet, that needs to take a back burner for the next couple of years.

Good Luck

T
 
#59 ·
Do you remember when you noticed the switch in your wife you put it on maturation? That's when she started testing the waters, maybe earlier. Tip of iceberg. Satinized, palatable, damage control version of facts.
Pull all the old phone bills you can. Follow the money. Get the big picture of what was going on in the timeframe.

Put a VAR, keylog the PC, spyware on the phone, be ready to follow her and then inform her you are going to contact OM. Watch the damage control maneuvers with popcorn at hand.

Your wife's entitlement is amazing. She believes herself totally at control. She managed the (sure enoggh very limited) confession and have completely worked out the aftermath, your feelings, what are the points to adress, what are her limits...
Don't you get she's the one giving you an ultimatum (even it appears the contrary).

Zero humility, total minimizer. arrogant as hell...
Complete reality check is needed here.
 
#60 ·
Well , a lot happened last night and i am quite positive that i might not be able to articulate as much as i would like to , but i would like to give everyone an update , and it appears that we are moving in the direction of making this work - details first for everyones reference , thoughts later.

Once we both were home we decided to sit down and thrash it out and have a real heart to heart on the entire matter and see where that took us. It was me doing most of the talking and i made it clear to her that as far as i was concerned

1. There were 2 different issues i was dealing , one was this gap/distance issue which she had mentioned , and the second was the fact that she slept with someone else , and that i would need to deal with both differently , in my own way and whether she thought it was the same problem or not was not really my concern nor did i need to extend any understanding or patience in this regard.

On issue one (distance/gap) i laid out my mandates . Firstly , i did not consider it to really be my fault , if i am not aware of a developing problem i can hardly be expected to act on it to solve it , especially in this case when i am not being ignorant and saying that there is no problem , there simply was not in my head - yes there was realization of work pressure etc but not that it was developing into something where she was asking fundamental questions about us.

I told her my expectations - you need to make 90% if not all of the effort in resolving this , maybe i contributed to it , but where we are right now , what you did as a result is for you to resolve not me - if you had come at the right time , decided to give me the respect and the information this would have probably not happened and given that i do not feel i am either to blame nor do i need to undertake any major efforts.

But while having said that , if you do genuinely feel that there are areas you need me to do something on , then point them out specifically ,if you dont i will ASSUME that everything is fine - dont come back later and bring up anything which has not been defined by you.

I have defined certain terms in terms of what she needs to do as a behavior change - late nights out of the question , no office parties , no offsites at all , if she does need to go someplace and it is unavoidable then i need to be re-assured /convinced that the OM is not there and that i dont need to be worried - how she convinces me is her problem , wear a web cam on your neck if thats the only thing which works.

I informed her that as much as i would like to , i am resisting landing up in her office , so far , and not confronting the OM - but if i do then i do and she best not get in the middle of it , how i deal with that is going to be my decision - i might just decided to scare him a bit , or i might just decide to leave a life time memory by touching base with his wife (who he is in the process of divorcing) and extending a hand in terms of ensuring that certain things go her away - such as custody , fortunately i have some contacts , some influence in the right circles where this can be attempted , lastly if i fell like getting a bat and turning his SUV into an Hatch then so be it.

I clearly emphasized that for some reason i am letting my heart do the talking right now and not my head , my head tells me to walk out right now and leave you to deal / run around and not really give a damn. And that if i feel unsatisfied with 1 aspect of her 'making an effort' , the head will replace the heart when it comes to making decisions.

On the second issue of sex - as many have pointed out i deserve to know the details if i feel that i need to , so i got them out of her , told her that getting over this is something i need to deal with , as with the first issue , so it needs to be done on my terms and conditions , logical or illogical , whether you accept them or not , agree or not - nothing matters except what i want. I then proceeded to get all the answers i wanted through an extensive , but very uncomfortable , questioning session - and i think i feel better today knowing the facts rather than just imagining.


Additionally , lots else spoken about , i confronted her on the question of it not having worked out with the OM and hence she coming back and coming clean with me - better to have 1 egg in the basket than none - she was quite emphatic that it was not the case , she did not want to make it work with him , she realized her mistake but it just took her the time it did to tell me coz she was afraid and nothing else , i also spoke to her Best friend on this , and someone i know very well myself and she got to know 2 days before me herself , given how close they are it makes me lean towards giving her this - if she was so ashamed and afraid of what she had done that she could not discuss it with her till 2 days prior , maybe there was nothing else except what she says.

Not that it matters but the best friend is not talking to her now either and says that she cant believe that my wife could ever do something like this

She also told me that her parents knew , she had gone and told them a little after she told me herself. (them knowing was crosschecked and verified with the parents by me) and to just try and not only prepare them for the worst , but also because she was too tired and mentally exhausted now to stop hiding it from people. The reaction of her parents was i am glad to say similar to mine , and they have been worried and fretting about me moving out and i believe totally apologetic and ashamed of what she has done. i plan to meet them separately once anyway and have a chat.

So anyway , this went on for 4-5 hours in a reasonably civilized manner and then something strange happened - we ended up sleeping together - it just happened naturally and i thought that being physically intimate with her would take me weeks , if not months (or if at all) but it happened , we then spoke some more , went and had dinner etc

.... and this is where the articulation starts to fail me , once we were done , it was like a switch going off in my head (at least at that point) an then i was just feeling better about the whole thing - i am still upset and i feel sick if i reflect on the details of what she did , but between yesterday and today there appears to be a world of difference in me - its almost like a situation where you woke up from a bad dream - it was very bad when it happened , but after you woke up it was a hazy memory which makes you cringe or whatever , but it feels 'distant' - something that's happened - but it feels far away and because it feels far away , it does not feel as bad or painful. Weird!

I am more relaxed , i am not distracted , been working fine since the morning , i almost feel a bit 'indifferent' to the entire situation what i have got to know over the last few days...

Not sure if i should take this as a sign and tell me to try and reconcile , or a sign that mentally some defense system has come up and while i am feeling better about everything , its a reaction i should try and ignore.
 
#62 ·
I just finished reading the thread.

I will say it again , you need to find your own information to be able to confirm if she tells you the truth. Go in spy mode
Don't warn her about your intentions .
To speak with the other man is pointless . To speak with his wife that could be interesting .

And her and him at the same work , .......let me see :
1) he is divorcing
2) he has a crash on her
3)he has already had sex with her
..... ye i can see that there will be no problem with this situation .

The same mistakes ( about work) has been made by many BS who have followed their heart and not their mind.

Read the stories on this board , learn from the mistakes of others.
And don't think for one moment that your situation is different ( most BS think it until they know better)

And if you want to understand the magnitude of the cheaters ability to deceive ( to lie, to gaslight , to try to control the situation and their true motivations )go to their website and read their stories .....that will open your eyes.

Most of the people that have posted on your thread , have warned you , that there is more to her story .
They ( we ) speak from personal experience , we have very painfully learned a lesson , that all cheaters follow what we call the "cheaters script" , an all affairs follow the same patterns . From that experience we can deduce most of the time if something ... smells not right , and predict the outcome of certain actions or inactions with great accuracy
 
#64 ·
Shattered

Good job keeping your head and your cool!

And the sex you had with your wife is called "Hysterical Bonding" and is quite normal.

Google it!

Stay on top of your wife and the situation.

Speak with your inlaws. And if she is keeping her job (not that I agree but the job market sucks here...) then you need to confront OM and then tell his STBXW.

And your wife needs to send OM a No Contact letter that you approve.

It is good she came clean of her own free will. That is big. Many waywards never do.

Good Luck

HM64
 
#66 ·
I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!

I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?

Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.

I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what - a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.

Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.
 
#68 ·
I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!

I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?

Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.

I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what - a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.
Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.
This sounds great, many here dream of it. But the reality is an assualt charge. You don't need that.

If you can get him fired, go to HR, that would be almost as good as beating the crap out of him.
 
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#67 ·
I am more pissed off on how your wife is dealing with your pain..That it is not important, that you will get over it, she won't quit the job, how what you did was similar to what she did..

Your wife is self serving..She has only her interests in her mind. You cannot trust her to help to deal with the pain or the affair constructively She is doing what is good for you... She confessed for herself, not for you. You just happened to be her husband...
 
#71 ·
You want the whole truth. I'm sorry to say you won't get the whole truth tell your WW takes a polygraph test.

Also the OMW must be told about the affair.

Your WW best friend and parents knew before you and they left you in the dark. How did that make you feel?

Well you are dumping on the OMW the way your WW BF did by not warning you.

Yet you want to confront the OM. Why? You get in a fight. You get beat up medical bills and arrested. You beat up OM. You getsued for medical bills, arrested, pay defense attorny, lose in court pay OM and OM lawyer too.

Better then confronting the OM is to expose the affair to the OMW.

Be a man because it is time to man up and tell the OMW.
 
#72 ·
What was the nature of their relationship before the sex ? You might want to find out the nature of the relationship before this. If she has a smartphone, you can probably recover most deleted texts. Go through her phone records for the last few months to check how frequent their contact was. If she uses the company's phone, make sure she gets them too.

She probably must have deleted the emails by now but you can check them up too. Just realize that if she can cheat on you, lying to you about it is no big deal.

And about the confrontation with the OM, don't threaten him with violence or anything. Ask him about the bare facts of the affair and see if they match up with your wife's details..They probably matched their stories by now though...


Why isn't divorce an option ?
 
#73 ·
Still you need answers to questions, she is attempting to get you to walk away from this issue by "Getting Over IT"

Earlier you pointed out she stated she had sex Twice that night. Has she answered your question as to why she went back the second time if she knew it was wrong the first time, and did she even think of you before doing it again?

That is an answer you may want to have or it will haunt you throughout your R if you choose to R.

1. Get a Computer keylogger
2. Get a VAR and hide in her Car
3. Have her take a polygraph, if she wants you to get over it.
4. Get all her pass codes and words.
5. Get tested for STDs
6. Has she showed true remorse or it seems to be she is treating this as something YOU have to deal with and to fix the marriage?
7. Contact an Attorney and find out your options.
8. Was this the only time, or was this the time she wanted to come clean. A woman who has never cheated and then has sex, twice in one night with another man, does not correlate. Just remember what was stated in TEARS thread about how she felt.

Some you may not want to do but you need to prepare yourself as you are only at the begining.
 
#75 ·
Sorry , this came after i posted my reply - like i mentioned in that one , she said she doesnt really recall the details . she thinks she fell sleep , they had been drinking , and then the OM instigated the second round - i was pretty blatant in my questions , i think so much so that i really put her at unease , good!

And i went on - so how long did you sleep for? In his arms or on your side of the bed? Curled upto each other? How did he start the second time around.....etc etc etc.


Earlier you pointed out she stated she had sex Twice that night. Has she answered your question as to why she went back the second time if she knew it was wrong the first time, and did she even think of you before doing it again?

That is an answer you may want to have or it will haunt you throughout your R if you choose to R.

.
 
#80 ·
All too often the OMW alreadys nows about the affair. What usually causes a WW to confess to her BH is when the OMW says to the WW you better tell your BH or I will.

The WW tells because she can limit how much you find out. Chances are very good that OMW knows a lot more then you have been told by your WW.

Nothing works better then the BH and OMW comparing notes to fill in each other's information gaps.
 
#81 ·
Hi, I feel ur pain. Same thing happens to me but I asked her to quit her job or else and she did.
Take two to reconnect but you got to make sure ask ur self she is still who and what you want after what she did to you.
I stayed because she is what I want even she lied and cheated.
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#83 ·
She seems to be more business minded, not as a respectful wife.

You seems happy that she told you everything but trust but verify, she is a person who can lie and cheat. She can come home and look into your face and lie without a wink. So dont trust her words.

I dont believe that she will do anything she offered. She is in damage control and she is doing/agreeing things to safe guard her safety blanket.
 
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