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Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.

79K views 254 replies 51 participants last post by  John2012 
#1 ·
I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


 
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#84 ·
Do not confront the OM directly. The fact that he slept with a married women shows that he is a piece of sh*t of a human being. He won't feel any remorse at all about what he did, he flat out doesn't care about anything other than him getting sex.

Do let this wife know. Yes they are getting divorced, but maybe she can use it somehow to help her and hurt him.

Do let his supervisor and hr know.

You wife MUST leave the job. She doesn't want to, she will think it unfair that she has too, but sorry lady, you cheat at work you chose to give up that job.

The fact is her current job is where she chose to have her affair and to cheat. she did it with a coworker, she did it at an offsite, and she did is using company money for the hotel, the food, and drinks.

No doubt btw, that the rumor mill at work has gotten wind of her cheating (if it hasn't see what you can do to start spreading the word).

She chose to do it there, and she chose to make work her affair spot. When she did that she also made it impossible for her to continue working at that job.

Have her quit and find a new job now.

As for offsite's - those for her a done. Never again unless you are with her. It's not because you don't think you can trust her. It's because she's shown that she CANNOT be trusted.

---

Two non-negotiable actions for this coming week:

1 Have her take the polygraph.

2. Have her leave her job.
 
#93 ·
I would have expected , preferred been happy if i saw her in a corner everyday sobbing away , but no that's not happening - yes there was lots of pleading and apologies and tears on the first day , second day lesser - i have asked her this infact yesterday i think - i told her that the manner in which you are talking to me comes across as a bit cold and rational , almost businesslike , not like what i would assume a guilty , really apologetic wife should sound like , and the same with your behavior , when i packed my suitcase why did i happen to look up and see you sitting and looking at me and not instead saw you running to me , grabbing hold of my legs, the bag etc - her answer to this was only because she has had time to prepare herself for the worst, she has been obsessing so much on that i will leave that when i finally started to leave it was almost surreal for her, she had prepared herself so well that while there was numbness and panic it was internal.... am i being able to explain this?

Is the OM really getting a divorce.

If I was going thru a D and just got laid, I would want to continue!
yes he is really getting a divorce and yes i agree , for someone with absolutely no attachment such as his own wife or family , why would you not want to continue to keep getting what you are getting and have possibly been missing out on (i.e sex) , very difficult to believe that when you did it the two times you had no morals , but then realization dawned the next morning and you felt so bad that you said its over.... thats a big pill to swallow.

She said he instigated the second round of the tryst, does that mean he just rolled her over and asked her and she said YESSSS!!!:rolleyes:
Yep i guess so , we all know she did not say NO , so it had to be a yes. :(

Shattered,

Just enough time for a quick comment.

Way to go!!! Proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Thanks Bricko!! :)
 
#88 ·
Is the OM really getting a divorce.

It seems to me that a guy getting divorced would need the companionship from another women, but instead OM seems to agree in the NC. That just doesn't make sence.

If I was going thru a D and just got laid, I would want to continue!
 
#91 ·
Another day, another 14 hours of being awake when I rather be asleep all the time, it’s so much better. Don’t know if today is better or worse than yesterday, not feeling as ‘normal’ as I was yesterday but I am also nursing a massive hangover – I had mentioned that I was going to meet the WW mother, and eventually it turned out to be a long evening, both her folks and her as well, with lots of whisky, consumed mostly by me.

I spent about 1.5 hours alone with her mom before her dad came and eventually she herself a little afterwards, it was neither planned to be so long, nor was it planned that it will end up becoming a group discussion, in hindsight I believe it was a good thing, everything was out, everyone knew the scene, everyone knew what needs to be done.

Her mom and me had a good chat. It started out with us generally talking about other things and then she broached the subject on what I felt / thought about the entire situation – I laid it out for her as I did for my wife - what I felt, what I had doubts on , what I think needed to be done by her , on my terms and conditions , that I saw 2 problems not 1 , and that nothing justifies her sleeping with someone else.

Both of us agreed that it was a stroke of good luck , if you can call it that , that I did not have a place to go to hence I did not move out , I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier but I have had a suitcase packed since 1 hour after she told me - , not moving out basically meant the lines to communicate remained open , we did spend time together and if I had it would have pretty much been final.

I cannot remember all the details to put down, and I am sure ill miss out many, please feel free to ask anything you guys want to know over and above

Her mom agreed that the effort needs to be put in by her. That even if there was a problem, this is not the manner in which she should dealt with it and she should have spoken about it then and not after what she did.

What she did is clearly not fair to me, and while there can be no justification for it , if I could in my heart attribute it to someone folding into temptation and making one stupid mistake which will not be repeated again – my response was that temptations have been around for me as well (i.e my crush from a few years ago) , but something stopped me from going beyond a point – the marriage and the thought of my wife stopped me – I would expect nothing less from her as well , can I let it go , just leave it as something which happened but will never happen again – I don’t know – maybe it’s more my ego as a man speaking at this point but I don’t know , can I try and work on letting it go – maybe.

I told her that its not only about the present, one starts doubting everything , how do I know (as many of you have said to me over the last few days) that I have just been told about the tip of the iceberg , they have been at it longer , there was more to it – I also much later at night asked my wife again on when she started leaning onto this guy , this year July was the answer , which unfortunately means that when we were on our supposed 3 week holiday she was into the guy by then, and I know she would have been thinking of him during these 3 weeks – maybe that’s why it happened as soon as we came back , she missed him too much – sick!

Her mom says that she firmly believes that its not gone or for longer, proof of-course cannot be provided she said, but she just feels it has not.

One other thing which she mentioned was that of-course she was shocked by what the WW did, but also because she never thought or noticed any problem with us either, and agrees that I was not being ‘thick’ and simply not noticing, it just did not appear that there was anything wrong.

I told her I have terms and conditions , logical and illogical, and I don’t really care what her daughters opinion on them are, if I feel that something needs to be done it has to me. She agreed, she herself said that she needs to give up this job and if I am expecting that from her, it is the least she can do.

Told her, maybe I should not have at this point, that hypothetically I don’t see why things won’t work out between us if she does what she needs to do, it will only not work if she is unwilling to do them – and there can be no other reason except 1 that she will not make the effort in which case the marriage was over long before this happened and its simply not a question of me willing to work things out, its in her hands, not in mine.

We kept visiting a lot of the same questions as the chat progressed, eventually her dad returned as well and shortly thereafter the WW.

Some more ‘family’ talks took place which revolved around the above , her mom was quite emphatic about her needing to do something with her job, dad very clear on how wrong this was and stop dragging it on under the guise of a bigger problem if that’s what she is doing and let me move on – if there is a bigger problem fine work on it if you want to , if there is not and you just simply screwed up – admit to it , no point on working on anything which stands as an excuse to cover up other things.

Post that we went home and spoke for a bit more, i think its hit her in the head now that there is a concern on the job front , she appeared to be much more 'emotional' but i would not take that at face value right now , like i said , lots of whisky.
 
#95 ·
Everyones been advising that she should leave her job and like i have been saying in agree - but there is a reason i am not aggressively pushing the agenda on this right now with her

Once she leaves , she will be home for say a period of 30-40 days easily till she finds work someplace else , it could be less but lets assume that this is the time-frame

during these 30-40 days she is going to be home ALONE , i will be at work for 10-11 hours a day - would i be more worried in a situation like that ? because she then clearly has more than enough time to do stuff , she has a certain sense of security knowing that i am out and will not make a surprise visit - atleast while she is in office she is surrounded by a 100 people , she can only do something if both of them do something post office hours , which i am keeping a watch on , more give a common excuse to get out of office and go bunk up someplace - which is also not that easy.
 
#98 ·
No reason on why me actually , when she told me i got so worked up that i said im leaving - which meant me physically moving out - but at any rate this is going to be a bit of a mute point , the rent we pay is very high , its not possible to do it on one persons salary , so if we do separate what will happen is that she will go back to her folks and i will find myself another place.



It's concerning to see how numb she is. That's because reality hasn't hit her yet or she just doesn't really care anymore.

Sitting there and watching you is just indifference.

Also, what bandit said. She's the one to leave.
indifference - yes , thats the word i was looking for. i am not in denial when i say this in that sense but i am hoping that reality has not hit her yet. Maybe because she obsessed on it so much she has built up a defense wall which does not allow her to crumble at this stage , she prepared so much to not fall apart that she is not right now - maybe a few weeks down the line when she feels , for the lack of a better word -sure about me staying , then is when i will get to start seeing the flood of emotions?
 
#105 ·
I am surprised at her brazeness and real lack of remorse. Especially in india where if people know she will be stigmatized no matter what class she belongs to. I suspect you haven't told your parents as that probably will lead to a lot more falout. Was she ashamed to tell her parents? I know the days of expecting your wife to be a sati saviti (extremely devoted) are long gone but surely your wife should have some sort of respect for you in the least.

My feeling is that she has zero respect for you even now and thinks you just have to get over this. Her parents are doing damage limitation and probably want to avoid the stigma of divorce.

If you have no children the decision is clear. This woman is not a keeper.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#108 ·
Are you from India or did you get the Sati Saviti phrase from someplace :) ,

No my parents dont know but reasons for me not disclosing it to them are very different - they are going through some major stress thanks to some other family member , and they dont need this right now - this is one of the reasons i said i did not have anyplace to go - i could not go to my parents with a suitcase and not explain whats happened , hence for now thats the way it will stand.

I was not there when she went to her folks so i cannot say too much on that - but to quote her , she went expecting to be beaten up and thrown out for doing what she did - but she did not.

Stigma of divorce , cannot comment , but if they are concerned about that , the i cannot really blame them.
 
#106 ·
Shattered

All good moves that you have made o far.

And do not move out.

Take some time before you make any major decisions.

See if your wife's wall comes down.

Take the time to see if she is truly remorseful. She has had time to digest her infidelity, you have not.

I like your inlaws. Mine would back me too if infidelity was the case.

One day at a time until you see what her actions say about what she wants regarding the marriage.

Watch & observe.

By then you will know what you want as well.

HM64
 
#110 ·
got an email from her best friend - snippet below , as a response / her point of view on why she did it and that maybe distance did not lead to this , the guy led to the distance as someone put it.

if there is no distance then you would not feel the need (consciously or otherwise) to be close to someone else. Something has to be lacking to get tempted

She would have come across a lot of other people ho could have been as tempting or even more tempting then this guy..but she never gave it a thought, did anything before.

..... but this time because the distance existed , she started moving closer to this guy and what happened happened.

He just happened to be there . Had he not been there maybe she would not have even realized there was something wrong
[/I]

I asked her to give me her email password and she has of-course anything incriminating would have been deleted a long time ago , but i guess a good sign nevertheless
 
#111 ·
What phone does she have ? You can retrieve deleted texts. You can also check the sent mails in her email(many cheaters forget that)

Actually that you are Indian changes things a bit. Considering how much more sex is valued in countries like India and the social stigma associated with acts like having an affair, I think you don't have the complete story....I am sensing a more sinister angle whatever it is. (As far as I know, casual sex and ONS are pretty alien to the culture. She risked for too much to confess a ONS ).

From now on, believe only believe stuff you can verify.. She is managing and manipulating the whole situation..I know the culture and that makes your first post and her response even more surprising...
 
#112 ·
Yes i general , as a definition to the country ,we are very conservative and sex is not just something you do , its much bigger for that , for most people - but then the youth today , or as it was say 10 years back were not of the norm - we were very different , we were the ones who probably grew up when the Sex, Drugs and Rock and roll culture (metaphor) came to India , we are not as conservative as our parents etc...

And i think i understand your statement on how this takes a different context for you now to know we are from India - but in reply it also lends some additional credibility in my head for her (and this is for arguments sake right now :) , that with the kind of stigmas attached to cheating , divorce , being an unmarried woman at the age of 32 - the fact that she told her parents , she told me , says a lot....
 
#115 ·
Yeah........ i suppose i sound like that dont i , a goalie....quite a royal sucker i am coming out to be i suppose.

I picked up on the focus on money as part of her being so focused on her career and job that she hasn't had time for, and because she didn't immediately quit.

I think your reasoning on having her home alone for a while instead of busy at work is flawed. I get it, the idea of idle hands. But here being at work is bad.

1. It reinforces to her the idea that everything is her life is back to normal for her. Yeah she's got a problem that you are angry at her for cheating, but other than that she's just bad to her day to day life with NO consequences for having cheated. None. This teaches her that she got away with it.

2. It provides opportunity for the POSOM to have contact with her. You only have her word that she isn't chatting with him, and flirting at work every day.

If she was out of her job, then it would send home the lesson to her that there are direct and immediate consequences to her for her choice to cheat. In fact her sitting at home alone for many hours will really emphasize this point to her.

IF she if home out of work, it will give her more time to concentrate on finding a new job.

Right now your wife isn't doing A single thing different as a consequence of her choice to cheat. Nothing. The only thing that's actually gone on is that YOU are being told that you need to get over it and to become a better husband to her, with the implied threat that not only was this time entirely your fault, but if you don't shape up and become the right kind of husband, she's going to do it again.

Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment - instead you need to see them as tools for her to learn by. And she needs to learn that when you cheat, consequences happen, the situation must change, and you must suffer bad things.

She chose to use work to meet the OM, to begin the relationship months ago, and to end up in his bed for several rounds of sex (that you know of, I suspect there has been other times).

The consequence of her choosing to cheat AT WORK is that she looses the job and position she's worked to build. She chose to throw that away - AND THAT's why she must quit NOW. Today.
The only thing ill say is not , there was no focus on money - as for the rest of the stuff you wrote , you have written it so well that i just dont have a counter as of this point.

Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment sure , but at this point i get more satisfaction in knowing that it is something she will suffer from ,not learn.
 
#114 ·
I picked up on the focus on money as part of her being so focused on her career and job that she hasn't had time for, and because she didn't immediately quit.

I think your reasoning on having her home alone for a while instead of busy at work is flawed. I get it, the idea of idle hands. But here being at work is bad.

1. It reinforces to her the idea that everything is her life is back to normal for her. Yeah she's got a problem that you are angry at her for cheating, but other than that she's just bad to her day to day life with NO consequences for having cheated. None. This teaches her that she got away with it.

2. It provides opportunity for the POSOM to have contact with her. You only have her word that she isn't chatting with him, and flirting at work every day.

If she was out of her job, then it would send home the lesson to her that there are direct and immediate consequences to her for her choice to cheat. In fact her sitting at home alone for many hours will really emphasize this point to her.

IF she if home out of work, it will give her more time to concentrate on finding a new job.

Right now your wife isn't doing A single thing different as a consequence of her choice to cheat. Nothing. The only thing that's actually gone on is that YOU are being told that you need to get over it and to become a better husband to her, with the implied threat that not only was this time entirely your fault, but if you don't shape up and become the right kind of husband, she's going to do it again.

Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment - instead you need to see them as tools for her to learn by. And she needs to learn that when you cheat, consequences happen, the situation must change, and you must suffer bad things.

She chose to use work to meet the OM, to begin the relationship months ago, and to end up in his bed for several rounds of sex (that you know of, I suspect there has been other times).

The consequence of her choosing to cheat AT WORK is that she looses the job and position she's worked to build. She chose to throw that away - AND THAT's why she must quit NOW. Today.
 
#117 ·
She had a few months to "deal" with it in her head, the rationalizations, clearing the fog, the possible scenarios after the confession...
That's why many marriage fails when old stances of infidelity are discovered, WS and BS are not, can't be in the same place emotionaly (beyond the obvious).
The huge displayals of emotions normaly happens when they are busted or we talk about confessing a very recent act of infidelity.

It doesn't mean she was not detached emotionaly since time ago.
 
#120 · (Edited)
I married my soon-to-be-ex wife after a six year long relationship. My wife had EA twice during that time and I forgave her both the times thinking that she would understand the meanings of commitments and boundaries. After marriage we had to live apart for a year due to career reasons though I wanted her to be with me and find a suitable opportunity, but didn't force her. Actually I never forced her to do anything and gave her complete freedom. When we met after a year she seemed distant. A few weeks ago she asked for divorce.

In India, a married woman of 30 will never ask for divorce unless she got some kind of assurance from someplace else. I didn't think that she was having an affair but discovered it couple of days ago. It is over for me now. She asked if I want her to leave the job, live with me leaving the OM, and make her unhappy. I am not going to block her `happiness' and grant her wish. I asked her why she didn't tell me of the affair first and she said it was because of the fear that I might contest and not go for mutual consent. This after she initially threatened to drag me and my family to court if I didn't give mutual consent.

The reason why I told you this story is that it sounds eerily familiar to mine. My soon-to-be-ex also started working till late night for last 8-9 months. She wouldn't have any time to chat with me even during the weekends. After I confronted her about the affair, my soon-to-be-ex said that she was checking out of the marriage after 3 months and the two confessed their feelings to each other before she came to visit me. So she was having the cake and eating it too. The funny thing is that she blames me for this, but it was her who broke down the lines of communication even after my repeated pleadings for not to do so. She couldn't not even wait a year after marriage to start the affair.

Some people are capable of change, some people are not. It is only upto you how many chances you are going to give another person. But one thing I realized during this ordeal is that everyone deserves to be happy and if a person cannot understand the meaning of marriage then she should not get married. Once you get married, you cannot get involved with another person before ending the marriage first. Staying married and getting involved with another is being cruel to the BS. It is very easy for the WS to move on since they already got a support but the BS is the poor bastard who has to go through unbearable pain and agony. I thank God that I discovered the evidence of cheating (she claims it is EA, but I cannot trust her anymore), otherwise I would have never stopped blaming myself for the divorce.

So, your wife might be remorseful, or it might be that she is yet to get someone `eligible' enough to give her the courage to leave you. I wish you happiness either way. Remember one thing, a cheater will grab any reason or invent one to cheat and then blame you for that. It is in their DNA. How grave the reason might be, cheating is never acceptable. If someone is so unhappy, why don't just leave the marriage and do whatever the hell they want to do?
 
#122 · (Edited)
About 8 hours of talking last night , we slept at 6 AM in the morning.

Productive , i think so on some levels , i guess not everything can be thrashed out in 1 sitting , even if thats an 8 hour sitting.

Most important , she told me she will leave her job if thats what i really want. She says i dont need to be worried about it , she knows i am but that i dont need to be but if thats what i want then she will resign.

I discussed confronting the OM with her ,told her i might and if she has anything to say on that - says she understands that i want to. I told her (more to see the reaction) that i have 2 choices , have a private chat and then see how i can make his life hell - second , go public not only by making a scene at her office , but letting her HR guys know , her colleagues.....

......... She says that if i have to , then do it privately , reason that it would make a bad situation worse , shes confessed to the people she felt needed to know and why does everyone else need to know? what good would it do eventually to announce it other than cause her more embarrassment than she already feels.

Told her that yes there will be consequences , she could get fire d, never hired again , same with me , professionals who have respected you for the last 6 years are now going to turn the other way , other wayward guys are going to think that 'she is easy' and trouble you........ but i dont care. its for you to deal with not me , even though going public means i will need to handle my own demons as well.

Irrespective of public or otherwise , her first preference is that the OM and i dont meet - she says her only reason for saying that is that it will get physical 10 seconds into the conversation.

I then told her clearly i need to (again to gauge reaction) , told her the other option could be a 2 min pvt chat where i meet him , tell him i know , that he really should try and figure out how he failed in his own marriage rather than screwing around with those of others , and that one to stay away , and second that i want him to resign - and if he does not then will take it as it comes........... but again no guarantees on this not turning into a fight.

I did see remorse yesterday , i did see much more emotion , and i think ( while i dont agree with her not discussing the gap issue with me before) a slightly better understanding of what was in her head and what she was trying to say

Ofcourse i am sure that this is just 1 of the many 100's of talks that will take place over the course of the next few weeks , all talks may not be as happy/productive as this one.

And i need to be honest with everyone here and myself , possibly since this morning , i am afraid of losing her , yes i am upset , yes i dont agree with whats been done to me and i know i may find someone else , that what i feel will get better with time....... but at this point , i am afraid of my life getting disrupted so much , going so out of the safe and secure track its been on - maybe this is pushing me to look at reconciling as well ..... maybe that i would atleast this one time , be able to stay because if for no other reason , because the fear of what will happen is something i am folding in front of.
 
#125 ·
You gotta expose the affair at the workplace. Both the OM and your wife knew of the consequences of there actions and they still had an affair. Don't make it easier for them by staying quiet and minimizing there actions. The other man shouldn't get a quiet slap on the wrist while maintaining his cushy job.
If you send him an email or chat online, he will just pretend to be extremely remorseful, regret his actions, then proceed to tell you everything you want to hear, But as soon as the call is over he will be thinking (PHEEEEEWWWW...That was close. ) Then continues along with no real consequences. Tell HR and his coworkers. Don't do this man any favors. Remember what he did to your marriage and wife. He always had a "Liking" to your wife so his actions where premeditated from the very beginning.
 
#126 · (Edited)
And i need to be honest with everyone here and myself , possibly since this morning , i am afraid of losing her , yes i am upset , yes i dont agree with whats been done to me and i know i may find someone else , that what i feel will get better with time....... but at this point , i am afraid of my life getting disrupted so much , going so out of the safe and secure track its been on - maybe this is pushing me to look at reconciling as well ..... maybe that i would atleast this one time , be able to stay because if for no other reason , because the fear of what will happen is something i am folding in front of.
It would have been surprising if you weren't scared...We, as humans are scared of the unknown. We will be comfortable with a known enemy than a unknown friend.

Why do think people stay in abusive relationships ? Why do you people stay in marriage with serial cheating spouses ? There is another Indian guy here that regrets not divorcing his wife much earlier..(he is in his late 40's or early 50's I think). You don't want to spend the rest of your regretting having kids with this woman. So take time and think hard before you decide to stay in the marriage..
 
#127 ·
I agree, Warlock, but he doesn't have to decide emediatly while he is in emotional turmoil.

Take your time, find the facts, terminate any potential affair or attempt of having a new one, get yourself in therapy if possible to discover what you want and how to get it.

Then decide whether your wife is part of that plan or not.
 
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