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Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.

79K views 254 replies 51 participants last post by  John2012 
#1 ·
I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


 
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#133 ·
Not too much to report from last evening , much more of the same talking that we have been doing over the last few days but there was something non routine- it was one of her folks birthday's yesterday , and there was a party with some close friends.

we always go , it was re-emphasized after i had the conversation with her mother that i should come and not let this stop me and they would like to see me , i told them ok , i told my wife maybe depending on my mood

It started at 8 , at about 7 i told my wife - bad mood and i dont want to come and that she should go on her own , she said she understood why but coming and hanging out with people might translate into a little fun - and that her folks would be very very dissapointed if i did not - told her ill think about it but currently no - called her parents and told them the same thing.

Decided to spend more time in office rather than sitting home alone - after about an hour , once my wife had got there , she started texting me and calling and insisting that i should come - that she would like me there and even with the bad mood she would be happy if i came - and despite me saying no maybe 2-3 times , she still kept calling every once in a while and asking. In reality my mood was fine enough to go , i just did not want to bother - but then after repeated calls such as this i went , had a good enough time.

Does that need to be not read or do i read those calls insisting that i come and be with her as good sign , or if not good - luke warm?
 
#134 ·
Does that need to be not read or do i read those calls insisting that i come and be with her as good sign , or if not good - luke warm?
She wants to control you and the constant calls show she does not respect you or your decisions.

You told her no. Her response to was to ignore your no and tell you to come. You said no. She again ignored you.

Your wife is controlling and demanding. I don't read words of her love or her efforts to make you feel loved. I read words of her telling you how you should be and where you should go and what you should do there.

I can't image this is a happy marriage for you.

I think your wife's attitude also shows why she has no remorse. It's because she does not respect you. And if a woman does not respect her husband. She will cheat. She won't be loving wife.
 
#136 · (Edited)
So you told this woman no several times and she kept calling anyways?

So basically she just didn't care about your feelings and wanted you there regardless?

I agree with shaggy, this is not a good thing. You told her no, she ignored it and kept calling, and then you show up.

You might as well have her keep some dog treats in her purse in the future, that way when you rise to her beck and call after repeated nos, you can at least get a snack out of it next time.

If you don't have respect from her you are NOT going to have a good marriage.

No matter what you do or how scared you are, if she can't respect you its going to be a sh!tty marriage and she'll most likely cheat again.

Women aren't lustily attracted to beta males for the most part, thats where the OM who had sex with your wife came in. And you're letting him off the hook because she told you so.

Do what you will, but the originator of the affair has not been solved. OM has not been exposed, got off scot free. Wife is not really remorseful, guilty maybe but not remorseful so she will not change.

This has all the looks of false reconciliation and repeat affair due to your refusal to lay down the law.

Although I know you most likely will, I hope you don't regret this.
 
#138 ·
shattered,

I know things are difficult right now. I know that when people tell you things like go nuclear and expose it runs counter to what you feel you should do. I know when people say to tell her she needs to quit her job asap you feel that you would be imposing your will and feel guilty about it. I know you want to believe your wife when she says its over and you don't have to worry about her job.

These are the times when you need to ignore what you think is the best course of action and listen to those on here who have been through this before. You have never dealt with this type of sitiuation, they have. They have seen what works and what does not work. To ignore their advice is just foolish if you truly want to save your marriage.

I agree with the other posters that you need to expose this affair asap. You need to stop being afraid of losing her because it is that attitude that will push her away. You need to stop worrying about controlling her. You should be in control. You were violated in the worst way a person can be. Everything you are doing is causing irrepairable damage to your marriage. Every day that your wife goes to work is another step away from you. Every day that she doesn't face severe consequences from her affair is another day she respects you less.
 
#143 ·
shattered,

you feel that you would be imposing your will and feel guilty about it.
No , definitely not , feeling guilty about it is not in the picture ,i can reassure you of that , i am not going to feel bad about this . i dont feel bad about it - feeling guilty is not the reason why i have not asked her to do it yet..........


Because she was embarrassed to be with her family without you there. By going you reassurred her and her family that you were going to forgive her for cheating on you.
so they think you'll have already forgiven her.
Yes i agree with that , there would have a been a strong element of a derived comfort for her famil and her that i came , that it was a 'normal' evening and that things were going back to normal.....


Disagreed. You're not being objective. You WISH she wanted you there so badly for the love she is supposed to feel for you.
Hmmmmm..........yes you are right , i was looking for that , i wanted her to call me multiple times , i wanted her to run behind me and get me to come - i was conscious while she was doing it that one of the reasons is to appear 'normal' , did i want her to do it so on some level i would treat it as a sign of remorse , of her missing me to pacify myself , yes. :(
 
#142 · (Edited)
Shattered, just a word of warning. Forgiveness given out easily is not valued or respected.. She is acting like everything is normal and fine and you are allowing her to do that. And I don't mean this in a manipulative way but the more you make her look at herself and what she did, make her face some consequences of what she might lose, the less chance there is that she will cheat again(if you reconcile). Things are not fine..Don't let her think they are...There is reason we feel pain when we do some stuff. Pain is deterrent. It stops us from doing the same mistake again.

What else did you find out about her affair that she did not tell you ? Do you have a plan or do you want to base your future based on the words of a cheater ?

There is one thread that going on live on TAM right now

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...oo-many-ruined-chances-count-mrs_mathias.html

This wife cheated on her husband but she came on to TAM and kept lying here too..(She deleted her old thread but she deserved an oscar for the acting). Her H found out through other sources the extent of betrayal and he is now going to divorce her.

The husband thread is here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61098-third-strike.html
 
#144 ·
HI Warlock , to answer your question and give you folks a bit of an update

No i am not going to take verything at face value , her telling me stuff is one aspect , me believing it is another , and i am keen on verifying as and when i feel there is a need to and i have started with some steps in that direction.

As others have also said since i clarified i am from India , that certain things in this country are not easy , not available - a polygraph is not easy to get done , a NC letter does not hold any relevance etc , hence i am a bit limited but i am going to try and do what i can

One of the things i have established with her just last night is that while i am still holding out on a decision on her job , her working hours cannot be what they have been - Its been almost a week now since i first posted here - since then without me insisting or calling her and pressurizing , she is home now about 3 hours earlier than what it was like till Last Friday , starting Monday i have given her a time that she needs to be back whether i am here or not , call it a curfew i guess. She has agreed to that. Briefly , if earlier she was home at 12-1 at night, its down to 7-8 PM.


I have dug out old telephone bills , i have gone through a few and the rest over today - the bills are for the last 12 months or so , and if there was a trend earlier on , i should hopefully be able to spot something.

Like i mentioned , i have her email password , i as of last night i have her FB password as well as her smartphone - i did not need to be sneaky in getting these , i asked and i was provided the credentials. i Have already extensively gone through her email upto as early as Jan 2011 , i have not found anything significant but i am acutely aware that things might have been deleted or conversations could have been 'off the record' thus never being saved to begin with - i have left nothing out , i have seen the inbox , the sent items ,trash , chats , attachments......

What i have found are snippets of conversations which were then completed over a phone (hence i will never know) between her and her best friend - these snippets date around early 2012 and talk about her (WW) having some problems with me , inability to talk, feeling a certain lack of intimacy , feeling like we were living in a 'rut' - they tend to correspond in terms of a timeline with what she has told me on when the problems started in her head.

Other snippets reveal a trend in conversations regarding the OM around July - again corresponding to when she supposedly started getting involved - there are unfortunately no details present for me to provide to everyone here - just a peak in the number of times his name comes up in random conversations.

Basis this i asked her agressively yesterday (without informing her of me finding this trend) about whether she was being honest in telling me nothing was happening with them in July either , that they had not been physical , going on dates , talking extensively etc etc , i probed her for about half an hour and she stuck to her story. I dont plan to let up.

There are no conversations between her and the OM - were they deleted i dont know but i dont think that they were - simple reason that since they are in the same building , anything the spoke about would possible have been done in person.

I am assuming i am not going to find anything on her phone either really , i hate to say it but she is smart enough to not leave behind a trail - phones records on the other hand might reveal something.

The other thing i did yesterday was to verify her location twice. I was able to get out a little early yesterday from office , post which i checked if she was in fact at her office as well. She had informed me that later at night she would be required to visit another office , different location for some work , once i confirmed on the phone i also verified it through a physical visit to the location.

I know , definitely not the bible of proof or anything major - i do however plan to extend these verifications to not only her being in office but also when she says she is out for meetings to the best of my ability.

On a different note , its been an intense physical week. The Hysterical bonding or whatever it may be continues , we have been together 3 times in the last 4 days,a frequency which one has not seen since the early days of our marriage and us going around prior to that. She has additionally iterated multiple times that she , over whatever else she needs to do , is going to be making a focused effort on this aspect of the relationship as well , that she knows i have not been happy with it over the last year and she wants to ensure that this is sorted out as well with other things.

I also while typing this out have got hold of a few credit card bills, which i am going to go through as well.




What else did you find out about her affair that she did not tell you ? Do you have a plan or do you want to base your future based on the words of a cheater ?
 
#145 · (Edited)
So i just completed my Sherlock Holmes morning theme. Documents scanned were credit card bills , bank statements and mobile bills.

Dont have them all but fortunately there all covered the time frame from May - November 2012 , so the timeframe in which things started and went out of control and supposedly ended.

Credit cards - absolutely nothing which i can even with a stretch call fishy , in fact i was aware of most of the transactions and the places mentioned.

Bank Statements , nothing here as well

Mobile , again nothing really. i have made a note of numbers which say were repeated multiple times during a particular month just for reference and to cross check with the OM's number which i dont have yet - and unless it turns out that one of these numbers is the OM's which would ofcourse illogically just freak me out there is nothing. and given that they work together , if in a month there have been 8-9 calls to him it does not really tell me anything.

She got called into work sometime ago , not planned , last minute type of thing , some crisis - i will cross check she is fact there.

One of her folks called up a little while ago just to check up generally - told me that they had a conversation with her earlier in the day - and have told her / reemphasised that while i might not have made a decision regarding her work and that the final decision is mine to make - they have told her to quit ,and that if my decision is the same as what they feel , they expect her to put in her papers within 5 minutes without one word of fuss or protest.


Lastly , and no offense taken if you guys think i am being mad and absolutely silly by even asking - for the last 4 months i have been looking around for a particular vintage car and i finally found one a few weeks ago. i absolutely love it , one of those long time dreams. I confirmed intent to purchase , left a deposit as well - and then his happened which threw me off and i called the seller and said i wont be. Wifes known my interest in this and has made some visits with me in fact - she asked me last night about it , told her i cancelled it given that a certain 'fun and excitement' level has gone out of the purchase with what she's done - she says i should buy it anyway - that if it makes me happy a bit , especially so right now , will serve as a bit of a distraction and help me not brood on the subject all day everyday then why not buy it? Even if things dont work out , still buy it - coz its something i want - initially when i had decided to buy it she also wanted to put up some money into it - not because it was required but simply as a sign / contribution / wanting to be part of it - that will stay happen if i do go ahead...

Do i want the car , yes , but the question really is that is it ok for me to accept her contribution/wanting to be part of it ?
 
#146 ·
Why not ?? she is still your wife, and this something you really want.
Look, I have friends from India and Bangladesh, and she is acting exactly like I see she would after accepting you leaving.
She really did have time to come to terms with just about all the varables.
And while it could be seen as coldness, sometimes it' not.
I like how you are being proactive also the view toward the job, so just take your time. Give the benefit of the doubt, but verify.
 
#149 ·
Thanks OldWolf57! Could you elaborate a bit on the "acting exactly like i see she would"

Buy the car but don't take any money from her.. It might give the meaning that all is forgiven if you take her money. Also be wary that the sex you guys are having(also called Hysterical Bonding) while providing some relief might also mask the pain of betrayal temporarily.. You don't want to make major decisions when you are in this phase.. You will have to come to term with these feelings sooner or later. Don't avoid them. Sometimes the BS is in shock and will make decisions he will later regret..(Biggest of them is having a kid during the hysterical bonding phase)
Yes , Happman64 informed me about it , that was after the first time it happened , and i am very very aware of it now - i guess there is however a grey area in this - yes this might be hysterical bonding , but then as i have been mentioning , our sex lives were never great and thats one of the things that we decided to make an effort towards as well - so maybe whats happening right now is a combination of both - HB and the effort - in which case i cant tell how it play out finally ...........
 
#147 ·
Buy the car but don't take any money from her.. It might give the meaning that all is forgiven if you take her money. Also be wary that the sex you guys are having(also called Hysterical Bonding) while providing some relief might also mask the pain of betrayal temporarily.. You don't want to make major decisions when you are in this phase.. You will have to come to term with these feelings sooner or later. Don't avoid them. Sometimes the BS is in shock and will make decisions he will later regret..(Biggest of them is having a kid during the hysterical bonding phase)
 
#148 ·
Regarding her bills, it could be that the OM was paying for her stuff...

And she could well have deleted the mails and chats very carefully since she had a lot of time. She left no trail at all.(check her trash and sent folder if you haven't).

Assuming that her friend knew about the affair,

One thing you can do is ask your wife to tell her friend to talk to you now that she confessed everything.. Her friend might tell you stuff that is missing in the chat records...Do it on the same day(ask your wife to talk to her friend and to tell you everything and talk to her the same day before she gets a chance to discuss what to tell you)
 
#150 ·
Trash and sent folder checked , in fact the first 2 folders i checked before anything else in her account.

Yes he could have paid for stuff , i will never know , i cannot get hold of any of his financial records clearly.

Would also like to clarify that when i was going through call records , i also scrutinized the incoming calls extensively.

On the friend idea that you suggested , it wont work - they had 2 days before i got to know and would have sorted out whatever they wanted, or got their stories straight etc.......and at the end of the day she is my wifes BF , a close friend of mine as well but i dont come anywhere near the bonding levels that those 2 have - so while the friend agrees with me and hates my wife for what she did , she will not reveal anything unless by accident.
 
#151 ·
We've all been blindsided, and we feel stuck like you was. Well she tried to picture each scene but she didn't count on the actual physical reaction her body would feel, so she was stuck watching you pack.
At the same time she was trying to stick to her lil roleplay, but you refuse to be bullied.
Even now she is still trying to control the script, but you are not walking the straight line, so she gets flipped until she gets her bearings.

I think she wants to keep her marriage, but she really didn't plan for all the loops you re throwing her.
GOOD !!! Keep her off balance until she really comes to full remorse.
 
#152 ·
You mean loops meaning for example she was expecting me to walk out i did not , was expecting me to tell her to quit her job asap - i have not....

I think she wants to keep her marriage, but she really didn't plan for all the loops you re throwing her.
GOOD !!! Keep her off balance until she really comes to full remorse.
 
#153 ·
Was this an arranged marriage? It changes the dynamics quite a bit.
 
#161 ·
You keep saying things like "I verified she is at work" or "I verified she is at this site" but the fact is that WORK = AFFAIR both in your mind and in hers. Every day she goes to work at a place that facilitated her affair you look like you have no b@lls to her. Pardon my bluntness but you are completely underestimating the effect this is having both on you and on her. YOU WILL NEVER START GETTING PAST HER AFFAIR AND RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUES TO WORK THERE.
 
#170 ·
:D


I've said this before and I'll say it again, you aren't following the advice from others that have been there. This is not good.
Duly noted - i shall work on this.

And yeah, memories will be alive as long as she's still there. Also, how do you know she doesn't chat with the OM?
How do you know she interrupted all sort of face-to-face communication with him there?

You can't verify it.
Yes , you are right , i cannot verfiy , i guess even though very small and possibly inconsequential the physical verification made me feel good but like i said above , this is noted and i shall work on it.
 
#172 ·
Hi Shaggy - why is this not coming naturally to me as a decision? i mean everyone here has said it , her folks agree , i felt it when she told me as well...... i dont know i am beating around the bush?.... all i cann assure everyone is that its got nothing to with money...... but something is clearly stopping me from putting my foot down on this........ do you think subconsciously one would prefer it if she keeps her job so i would that our lives are more 'routine' on a day to day basis ? as they were so to speak.
 
#175 ·
Yo peeps, is anyone actually reading what he post ??

He STATED he would be MORE WORRIED if she had no job, but more time on her hands.

So can we plzzzzzzzz stop thinking of ourselves, and how WE want to write this play !!!

We all know cheaters follow a script, but sometime we forget each relationship is different.

From what he's writing, things are going about normal in these situation.

Do I think he's been told all ?? NOT by a long shot, but SHE outed herself to her friends and parents. AND yes, I know she know they would have heard if he found out before.

But I alos see him giving her enough rope at the job, that he will find it all out just like DocMathis.

Shattered, without you actually knowing, you have done much to throw her off. She is still trying to control certain aspects, but don't worry about em.
She clearly wants to stay married, and you are not too uncomfortable to be making drastic decisions. So YOU control your timetable, not CWI posters
 
#179 ·
Shattered, without you actually knowing, you have done much to throw her off. She is still trying to control certain aspects, but don't worry about em.
Glad to know i am doing something right , even if i dont realize it! :)



Okay. Let's talk turkey.

This isn't about the money. It isn't about demons.

It's about reputation. YOUR reputation. You live and work in India. For those who haven't been here, it's Patriarchal, though it's changing.

So exposure will NOT be the soft ridicule what American men get. It will be rather harsh and direct ridicule. We can think it's low or wrong, but that doesn't change the facts.

You are right i will not

He really doesn't want to wear the cuckold horns in public. I can't say I blame him. Because if this information goes beyond a very few, very loyal family and friends, EVERYONE will know. His grocer. His driver. His cleaning lady. Who wants that? Gossip is the main fuel of India ;)

Yes we love gossip

So we have to work within that framework, whether we agree with it or not.

So YOU go to your wife and state this rather firmly. "If YOU want a normal relationship with me, if you want a prayer of getting over this, YOU need to find another job without any prompting from me...and YOUR share of the expenses aren't going down, so it better be a good one."

Agreed

She needs to face some consequences.

Frankly, facing and shaming him doesn't work for me. He did wrong, he knows he did wrong and he doesn't care. It's probably a mark of honor for him.

But you can't hit him without hitting yourself so you either suck up people knowing or him getting away with it.

One of the reasons i have not confronted him yet i suppose - if he just wanted sex , he got it , he won.

Your choice.
The only clarification or aspect i would like to highlight is that yes we are a country of gossip and stuff like this takes on a whole new meaning when people get to know..but if this goes public i am not worried, i am going to be seen (given the mindset) as a victim.... my wife on the other hand possibly faces ostracization......

So if i am not doing it for a reason linked to public opinion or reaction , i can assure you that reason would then only be that i dont want her to go through it - not that i am worried about how people will react - i will get sympathy , lots of it , lots of wishes , people will try and get me to meet other women etc etc.... she's going to get screwed.
 
#177 ·
Okay. Let's talk turkey.

This isn't about the money. It isn't about demons.

It's about reputation. YOUR reputation. You live and work in India. For those who haven't been here, it's Patriarchal, though it's changing.

So exposure will NOT be the soft ridicule what American men get. It will be rather harsh and direct ridicule. We can think it's low or wrong, but that doesn't change the facts.

He really doesn't want to wear the cuckold horns in public. I can't say I blame him. Because if this information goes beyond a very few, very loyal family and friends, EVERYONE will know. His grocer. His driver. His cleaning lady. Who wants that? Gossip is the main fuel of India ;)

So we have to work within that framework, whether we agree with it or not.

So YOU go to your wife and state this rather firmly. "If YOU want a normal relationship with me, if you want a prayer of getting over this, YOU need to find another job without any prompting from me...and YOUR share of the expenses aren't going down, so it better be a good one."

She needs to face some consequences.

Frankly, facing and shaming him doesn't work for me. He did wrong, he knows he did wrong and he doesn't care. It's probably a mark of honor for him.

But you can't hit him without hitting yourself so you either suck up people knowing or him getting away with it.

Your choice.
 
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#182 ·
I'm glad you added this JCD. But that begs the question, if she faces being completely and utterly ostracized if this became public why do it? Why have an affair? And if it is fear that is motivating her then how can shattered be assured that she is truly ever remorseful and not just afraid he will "out her?" And lastly, can't she quit her job without making this a public spectacle. Does he have to completely go nuclear if that will blow back on him?
 
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#178 ·
It's better not to waste time with him.
Your wife is the problem, not him.
Your wife cheated on you, not him.
Your wife needs to do the heavy lifting, not him.

You need to deal with your wife first. Forget about him for a while.
If your wife isn't ready to get over the affair 110% by switching jobs and showing true remorse, then what do expect from him?
 
#181 ·
One thing i would like to mention is that while there has been some amount of HB over this last week - its not going to happen for a week , its that time of the months so no more sex etc for a few days - i am entering into this week with a certain amount of curiosity , take sex out of the picture and how would next week be...a large part our entire time together this last week has been that , and given that it was an issue , that fact that we were together 3-4 times obviously helped me immensely...

Wondering if some of this fog is going to clear when the physical is put aside for some time.
 
#184 ·
This affair was never exposed at work if I remember.

This shows that doing a half assed exposure is the same as going in after a cancer tumor and only taking out half and leaving the other half in there.

If a proper exposure was done maybe the OM would of been fired and there would be 100% NC now. Instead NC is not in place and the BH would not be spinning his wheels here.

It is not important that the WW has to leave that job if the OM quits or gets fired. Good jobs are not out there. To quit and lose benefits, pension, senority, when the OM has left to never come back.

What is important is that one of them leaves. Why should the WW have to lose her job when the BH can expose and that gets the OM fired?


 
#188 ·
He needs to lay down the law.

Each day that goes by, her respect for you will lessen.

It doesn't matter what comes but that job needs to be gone, period.

Every day she walks into that office who do you think she'll be reminded of? What do you think she'll be reminded of?

And verifying that she is there is in no way a good thing since thats where the affair went down in the first place!
 
#196 ·
Ok , i think the question of the day in my head ( and there ofcourse many more but this one keeps making an appearance today more than anyone else) is - would all this have been easier to deal with if not for the sex

So what i am asking myself is , that if take sex out of the equation , which means that wife had a 1 month affair which meant those 2 spending lots of time together but nothing physical - would that be better.

Better for me and the situation in general?

For me , yes it would have been better , so if i have reconciliation problems or i 'cant get over it' , a large reason would be because they had sex , if they had not , maybe it would already be behind us.

But in the larger scheme of things - what would hold more weight , the sex or the affair , i am assuming that i am going to get many replies which are going to tell me that the 'emotional' aspect of it is far worse in the longer run as it can only be read as a fundamental problem in the relationship - that sex is possibly a consequence of this problem and not the problem itself ( which is my wifes decision to cheat)
 
#199 ·
Ok , i think the question of the day in my head ( and there ofcourse many more but this one keeps making an appearance today more than anyone else) is - would all this have been easier to deal with if not for the sex

So what i am asking myself is , that if take sex out of the equation , which means that wife had a 1 month affair which meant those 2 spending lots of time together but nothing physical - would that be better.

Better for me and the situation in general?

For me, yes it would have been better , so if i have reconciliation problems or i 'cant get over it' , a large reason would be because they had sex , if they had not , maybe it would already be behind us.

But in the larger scheme of things - what would hold more weight , the sex or the affair , i am assuming that i am going to get many replies which are going to tell me that the 'emotional' aspect of it is far worse in the longer run as it can only be read as a fundamental problem in the relationship - that sex is possibly a consequence of this problem and not the problem itself ( which is my wifes decision to cheat)
The sooner you get all the "what-ifs" out of your head, the sooner you will be in a good place.

What I mean is, deal with the facts, not the "could've-beens", "should've-beens" and "maybes". Fact is; you have a wife who is perfectly capable of having sex with other men, she proved it to you, lied about it and then acted/act cool while she takes control of your reactions.

Don't let your mind spin off. Deal with the facts. What do you want given this situation? How want your life to look like? What are your wife willing to do/doing to show you that she will change from a cheating wife into a loyal spouse? These questions should be the ones in focus.
 
#198 ·
Thats what i am being told by everyone i am speaking to as well on the subject back at home - some close friends etc , the majority being women etc - they all say the same thing , probably more for men.

So knowing that , does one need to think about that i might not be seeing the 'larger' picture because i have sex in front right now?

Day 1 of no HB.

Sex definitely matters...more for men than women it seems.

.
 
#201 ·
We're all different in how we look at the sex aspect. For some it's just a disguisting dealbreaker. For me, it was a huge thing in the beginning (first 6-9 months), now not so much - it's just like a bad porn movie I don't wanna watch again.

I tell you what is bothering me the most at this time (19 months past DD), it's the fact that she is capable of and willing to deceive me like that for selfish reasons. That one is hard to nail. Had it just been the sex, lets say we agreed she could have sex with another man on agreed upon terms, I probably would have felt bad at first, but I am quite confident that I would be perfectly OK today.
 
#202 ·
hi shattered

hope you are feeling a lot stronger and less shattered.

not any more , the tide is turning and i think it depends where in the country you are to really feel that , one of the major 2 cities , yes you will see the change , tier 2 town maybe not

perhaps, but it has not changed so much. i still think her having a drunken ONS (as far as you know) is very uncommon. having an affair perhaps less so.


Far from it , love marriage , met in college, dated for a little over 3 years before getting married


so you had enough time to interact and get to know each other. obviously she was a good gf and never gave you any cause for concern.


Thats one of the questions in my head , that even if for one moment i say fine - she wants to make a genuine effort , yes she loves me - is that enough anymore for me ? Is it enough to keep me around , is it enough to not feel the 'affair' everyday and if this is going to keep 'draining' me all day then there is no point even if she is genuinely sorry and it was a genuine mistake , its unfortunately not about how she feels anymore or her convincing me , no matter what she says it might never be enough


reading all that you have said here, i think she just got bored, wanted some excitement and attention. got that and found that she made a huge error and it brought her back to reality. but she does not seem to be very harsh on herself. her strategy is yeah, i ****ed up and you should be a bit annoyed for a while, then get over it.

before this event, if someone had asked you to describe your marriage and your wife, how would you do that. would you have said we are very devoted to each other and love each other to bits. the marriage is fantastic and rewarding. or would you be less gushing.

i am guessing you live in delhi, just my gut feeling :):)
 
#204 · (Edited)
hi shattered

hope you are feeling a lot stronger and less shattered.

:) thanks for asking , well feeling a lot calmer definitely



so you had enough time to interact and get to know each other. obviously she was a good gf and never gave you any cause for concern.

oh yes , nothing about going around with her was a problem including the parents and like you said we spent a lot of time before marriage , in fact there was also another year while we were just engaged but not married



reading all that you have said here, i think she just got bored, wanted some excitement and attention. got that and found that she made a huge error and it brought her back to reality. but she does not seem to be very harsh on herself. her strategy is yeah, i ****ed up and you should be a bit annoyed for a while, then get over it.

like i have mentioned before , yes , her reaction was surprising , i expected a lot more physical emotional display - her answer was that since she had prepared herself for the worst thats why it did not happen - as of where it stands today, i do see more and more emotion coming out everyday , there were lots of tears flowing last night as well so maybe...



before this event, if someone had asked you to describe your marriage and your wife, how would you do that. would you have said we are very devoted to each other and love each other to bits. the marriage is fantastic and rewarding. or would you be less gushing.


i would have said that. i would have said we are devoted and love each other to bits and the ground that the marriage stands on is strong and here to stay - i might have said but i wish we spent more time with each other , or had less stressful jobs - but that would not be a complaint against the marriage , i would have been complaining only because of how nice it is to spend time with each other


i am guessing you live in delhi, just my gut feeling :):)
no comments.:) , i guess its fairly easy to guess its between Mumbai and Delhi but i am not going to clarify which.
 
#205 ·
So lots of emotional drama in the evening , she got back home really early today and i was there as well.

So we spoke like we have been over the last week. at some point she said something about 'us' - in a nice manner and then the crying started - she started crying that is , not me ( i am over that) and it stopped about 1 hour later! - and during this crying there were many 'i dont want you to leave ' i am sorry' , 'i cant believe i did what i did' ' have not been fair to you at all' and then back to the 'i dont want you to leave'.................. and maybe it sounds bad on my part , but i have to say i enjoyed that 1 hour...............

.............Its the first time she has been so in my face emotional about the entire thing.

I have told her that i need to see her miserable , that if seeing her miserable helps me then thats what i need to see...... and because she deserves it. Whether i stay or not is a different matter... but miserable is what i need.

I have also i think managed to put the ball back in her court on the issues which brought up and supposedly led to this situation to begin with - i have said , i would have worked hard at those 2 months ago , right now i think by doing what she did , the responsibilities for that also lie largely with her.
 
#207 ·
I wonder if her crying is less of remorse and more of the consequences of her action. That she's a divorced adulteress in your society may be a mark she's concerned about.

In reality, her crying does not mean much. Her actions, if she's truly remorseful, will take years to determine if they are genuine. It will be up to you to decide how long you want to stay with her.
 
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