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Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.

79K views 254 replies 51 participants last post by  John2012 
#1 ·
I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


 
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#208 ·
shattered32 I'm from the same culture but was born and raised in New York. question

Does your family ( Mom, Dad, bothers, sisters etc) know about her physical?

FYI, may be her Mother kept nagging her to show you some remorse so you can keep her. ( mothers will be like, you are getting old, no one will look into a divorced woman specially one who cheated on her husband, you will put yout family in shame, people will not speak to you etc......)
normally a woman who feels remorse and guilt will show that in the first day when confronted or admit physical to a spouse.

also you need to think about the future, what would people say when they know what she has done. and how is that going to reflect on your kids in the future or once they get married, people will point at them as the once whos their mother cheated.

people will know about what she did one way or another.
 
#215 ·
I think she would have , given the details i got her to tell me that night , her telling me this should not have been a problem and i was not making it sound like , that given everything else they did , this would be even worse ( it might have been if she said yes but when i was asking i did not attach any extra significance to it from the other questions i asked)
 
#221 ·
The other update from last evening was that after the emotional drama which took place and i posted about , it so happened that her folks came over , the idea was not to talk , they had come for something else but it ended up being another couple of hours of talking... less with me more with her

The start was not good with parents also upset , crying etc - i was in fact in another room entirely , a little into the conversation one of them came out very upset - and telling me that if i decide to go they are on my side , they will support me in moving on and that they dont want me 'led on' for no reason.

Conversation resumed again and i think after about 2 hours they came back and essentially said that while one can never take back what happened , that she it fault and it will never be justified , to please give her a chance , that she is remorseful and more than anything else really really wants me to not leave and she wants to work it out.

I was in the other room so i could not hear what they were speaking about , but it was very animated , screaming shouting , loud crying , back to screaming shouting again - i was sitting where i was with almost a sense of indifference

The crying continued even after they came out - i had very little to say , i think emotionally i am much more stable now and one is not going to see any outbursts anytime soon , or ever again.

I said a few things , matter of fact ; tonality to all 3 of them

1. what she did is not justified , i dont ever want to hear even one word which would suggest otherwise

2. The problems lie with her , she needs to work at them , i am opening to being receptive but not proactive but more importantly i need to see efforts being made - really in my face efforts.... while some stuff might change slowly over the next few months , on other things - show me that you are sad and are trying.

3. She will leave her job if i ask for that , i expect a resignation the next day and once i do she needs to be out of office physically in a few days post that , no lingering notice periods


On an additional note , this is day 3 of no HB , currently still fine without it , as in , i am not more angry right now than 3 days back.
 
#222 ·
So finally after 1 week and hours and hours of talking , last night , we did not speak at all on the subject - mainly because i did not want to , i was just tired after so many coversations over the week that i just wanted a break - i made by snide remarks as and where i got an opportunity but thats about it.... simply too tired to hash it again yesterday............. normal?

Her behavior overall appears to be 'more affectionate' towards me , random hugs and kisses , calls etc....
 
#225 · (Edited)
So the last 2 days have not seen too much talk happening , i am for one dont want to , i think i am just mentally exhausted and need to recover for a bit , the wife does sit down and ask me multiple times how i am , whats going through my head , whether i want to talk or not... other than some passing conversation i leave it that.

As far as the OM goes , i guess partly owing to the reactions which i got here , the thought of confrontation slowed down a bit , so while i will still pursue things such as HR etc , i dont feel like meeting him face to face , maybe this has something to do with the fact i am too exhausted to talk right now , let alone stir up something new as well.

On another note though , i keep going back to his FB profile and looking at his photos.... weird?
 
#226 ·
You are in what I refer to as an Overload phase, you have heard so much and are so disgusted that you have become numb to it and it is having limited impact on you. Unfortunately, this will end and the anguish and the impact will return.

Understand that you will probably continue to hear more about the affair TT from her.

I know that after talking to her parents she seems Remorseful but I continue to remember your first post, where she dealt with it matter of factly with you. Don't know if she truly realizes what she has done and understands the impact it will have on you and her if You decide to continue your life together.

Good Luck.
 
#227 ·
Numbs also a good word to use to describe it , but whether it is indifference or numbness i honestly do not know.... between the two i would clearly prefer the former , suppose thats in some way a sign of me saying @#$% off to her....

You are in what I refer to as an Overload phase, you have heard so much and are so disgusted that you have become numb to it and it is having limited impact on you. Unfortunately, this will end and the anguish and the impact will return.



Good Luck.
 
#237 ·
Fear makes you vulnerable and unattractive at times like this. If you stay you need her to respect you, and if you leave you need your next partner to respect how you handled your last one.

Fear and indecision is hurting you and will hurt you down the road.

Remember generals who fight have a chance at winning the battle and war,generals who fear,retreat and run always loose.
 
#240 ·
So after 2 weeks of much emotion , talking and everything else i have been writing about , heres where i have finally landed up - i am going to give reconciliation a shot.

I might be going against the tide of advise here , but i think i need to , the last 2 days have seen such an emotional outpouring of remorse and love from her that i cannot help but think that i need to try and do this....... things are clearly going to be different between us moving forward , the marriage will be different , we as people are going to be different and i will have many demons to deal with in my head...

.... but call me foolish , i need to see where this goes , it would be easier , in the long run , to live with this decision than simply saying No right now , especially after what i have witnessed over the last 2 days. I have only been able to update a fraction of all the talks etc that we have had.............. if it does not work out after this , then atleast i will be sure.

Her job , the OM's job etc are all items which i will work on , simply because i am reconciling does not mean they get swept under the rug , this is not a guarantee that things will work out between us but my heads telling me to 'give her a chance'

I think , and believe to some degree , that she knows what she needs to do , the balance in 'making an effort' has clearly shifted , i informed her a little while back that the minute i feel that you see this as 'relief' rather than an opportunity , i am out.

Many many thanks to everyone here who has listened to my ranting over the last 14 days , the advise i have received , i will update everyone on a daily basis to let you all know how its going , and whatever happens with us , the one silver lining has been this site , the people on it .... and i dont plan on leaving that anytime soon. :)
 
#252 ·
Her job , the OM's job etc are all items which i will work on , simply because i am reconciling does not mean they get swept under the rug , this is not a guarantee that things will work out between us but my heads telling me to 'give her a chance'
There is nothing to work on. Put down the broom time for rug sweeping is over.

This affair needs to be exposed fully.

I assume that WW and OM are still working together is a full work exposure has not been done.

I have seen to many affairs restart because a work exposure was not done and the OM and WW were allowed to continue working together.

You must expose to the CEO, Board of Directors, Head of HR, asking them to report back to you with what action they are going to take.

Who have you exposed so far?
 
#242 ·
Oh dont worry , i am going to continue to be on this site on a daily basis like i have been for the last few weeks , and i will seek out advise and maybe in some time i might be 'old' enough to give out some as well........... :)

Thank you , from the bottom of my heart!!
 
#243 ·
I think there is a chance you are going with R because it doesn't require you making a hard decision and changing things. It basically is just going along with the status quo.

I'm not trying to insult you, instead I want you to be honest with yourself. It appears that you are a conflict avoider. You will take the path of least conflict and pat yourself on the back for finding the "easy" path and choosing it.

The problem is that this may not be the path to happiness, and more often than not the path to rewards is the hard journey.
 
#244 · (Edited)
I think there is a chance you are going with R because it doesn't require you making a hard decision and changing things. It basically is just going along with the status quo.

I'm not trying to insult you, instead I want you to be honest with yourself. It appears that you are a conflict avoider. You will take the path of least conflict and pat yourself on the back for finding the "easy" path and choosing it.
The problem is that this may not be the path to happiness, and more often than not the path to rewards is the hard journey.
This was so true in my case. I avoided conflict, went along to get along, and followed the path of least resistance.

Didn't help me any and in the long run, after years, proved to be the worst thing I could have done.

Better to have the conflict now than regret your inaction years later, when nothing can be done.
 
#246 ·
I have read the comments above , and like i said i know i am going against the tide here , but there is something....... something , which is telling me that this is the right thing to do , or if not right , what i should do....

The last 2 days have been horrible , not for me but for my wife , she comes home crying , she goes to sleep crying and she wakes up crying ............... i see the remorse , i genuinely think i do , and at the end of the day i might still be making a wrong decision , but shes my best friend , and she needs to do a lot to remain that , but shes my best friends................ it just so happens that i am married to her , i hope this is making sense.......
 
#254 ·
^ You're setting yourself up.

They can see and talk to each other EVERYDAY, you need to shut this down.

What you're doing is akin to having a heroin addict walk pass his old dealer everyday to get to work.

A poster on by the name of Gabriel tried something similar to this. Had his wife and OM still emailing, but all the emails had to be innocuous, and he was reading them. Even then it frayed the marriage and he had to put an end to it.

What you're allowing is 10 times worse!
 
#255 · (Edited)
I'll point to two important thread mainly from Indians:

Follow the lady what she did in below thread, you'll get some good results:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56009-cheated-my-wife-how-gain-her-trust-india.html

Or else you'll be back in this forum asking: is there any natural justice like below thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47087-what-hapens-cheaters-there-natural-revenge.html

And again, don't ignore experts comment here in your thread & forum. You'll thank them later.
 
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