My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-19-2012, 07:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

This is not the 1st time. I told him to choose. He chose to stay and end the affair. Told me it was only an emotional affair - as if that is any consolation - they kissed and touched. Needless - he ended it but they are still friends - working together and he says not seeing each other regularly. I don't bbelieve a word he says - still have to work on that. Now my problem is I cannot get all this that has happened and her out of my head - I'm constantly thinking of her - and I'll even say something negative about her (this is in private). All of this happened 6 months ago - husband says I should get over her. I said not as long as they are still friend and not one of us will budge on that. My heart was broken and sometimes still hurt and lots angry. I hate that she came and ruined my life - now I have to struggle with this and she is in a relationship possibly marrying soon. My husband said that should put me at ease - I said what? Marriage did not matter at the time. This has changed my personality. He is a dominant person - I no longer keep quiet - I say what I want and put myself first before him. He says he misses the old me - get a life - he caused this. He did apologoze and said he said it once and is not going to say it over again. Our marriage were lacking but we were not unhappy at all. How could you do something like this to the one you love - what is love then - he says it just happened - he did not ask for it. Help I need to get over it - I need to forgive her for myself.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

He has to end the friendship and have no further contact with the OW. If not, he will continue to feel the draw towards her and you won't be able to work on reconciliation while you are competing with her for your husband's attentions.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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He has to end the friendship and have no further contact with the OW. If not, he will continue to feel the draw towards her and you won't be able to work on reconciliation while you are competing with her for your husband's attentions.
This is my 1st post - not sure if I'm doing it right. He refuses to end the friendship - says that they are both working on their relationships and realise that they've done wrong. What I don't like about the firendship is that they sometimes eat together and share their stories about their partners. Now he stops telling me anything about her - beacuase I went on about it. I sometimes think - what the heck I should just end it - although we still feel for each other and are working at the relationship. Sometimes I'm just so tired of all this crap. So he is not budging on the friendship - and I told him as long as the friendship is on - that is how long it is going to take to get right. I'm still angry.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

Regarding posting, you are not doing anything wrong. All I was pointing out was that the other woman (OW) HAS TO GO if you want any chance at reconciling with your husband. Even if the emotional affair is dormant - their connection will remain until they are no longer in contact, period. Your husband knows what he has in you - warts and all - but he only thinks he knows what he has with this OW because he thinks of her in an idealized way. He has no clue what she is really like and he can only see what she presents to him - which is her best traits. Think of it as you (reality) competing with her (fantasy). See what I mean?
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

I'm sorry you are going through this...

You are correct in having doubts about reconciliation. In order to have true R he must have no contact with his affair partner. This means never seeing her or talking to her ever again! He can not repair his marriage with you while he goes out to lunch with the person he destroyed his marriage with. It just doesn't work that way. He is the one who made choices to deceive you and lie to you. Now he needs to pay for his mistakes if he want this marriage to survive. He must transfer to another office or quit his job. This is the price of infidelity.

I suggest you read the newbie links. Start a hard 180 and
buy Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Is he going any heavy lifting? Is he 100% transparent?

Good luck!


Wanted to add: Its not an emotional affair if they kissed. kissing is Physical. This is a PA, call it what it is.
FYI, kissing is cheaters script for sleeping together. I'd suggest scheduling a polygraph.

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Old 11-19-2012, 08:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

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Originally Posted by pegasus View Post
This is my 1st post - not sure if I'm doing it right. He refuses to end the friendship - says that they are both working on their relationships and realise that they've done wrong. What I don't like about the firendship is that they sometimes eat together and share their stories about their partners. Now he stops telling me anything about her - beacuase I went on about it. I sometimes think - what the heck I should just end it - although we still feel for each other and are working at the relationship. Sometimes I'm just so tired of all this crap. So he is not budging on the friendship - and I told him as long as the friendship is on - that is how long it is going to take to get right. I'm still angry.
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Yes, this here is the problem in a nutshell. He refuses to end the friendship. They are both "working on their relationship" and yet hold meetings together to discuss their progress with their respective partners? WTF? And now he shuts you out of THEIR "friendship" by not telling you anything? And they "date" (lunches)?

I completely understand your anger. I've been there. Sometimes you have to seriously "rattle the cage". Either he ends it, or you are done with the marriage. Either you are his sole confident, or you are through. He doesn't get to confide in OW about your marriage. That in itself is disrespectful to you. He doesn't get to "bond" with the OW. He is bonded to you.

If he doesn't realize how serious this is to you, you may have to make some serious changes in order to get the message across to him. Perhaps if you haven't already done so, start separating your finances so that you will be ready for whatever the future holds. I wish you the best.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS View Post
Regarding posting, you are not doing anything wrong. All I was pointing out was that the other woman (OW) HAS TO GO if you want any chance at reconciling with your husband. Even if the emotional affair is dormant - their connection will remain until they are no longer in contact, period. Your husband knows what he has in you - warts and all - but he only thinks he knows what he has with this OW because he thinks of her in an idealized way. He has no clue what she is really like and he can only see what she presents to him - which is her best traits. Think of it as you (reality) competing with her (fantasy). See what I mean?
Yes, I see what you mean. This just confirms that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm right in expecting that it should end 100%. He said it is difficult for him to end it off like that. When we talk again I will explain this to him - although I'll will not say someone else said so because he would just say what does that other person know. thanks for clearing that up for me - we are not out of the woods just yet - I just want peace and someone to love me. That is not much.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are going through this...

You are correct in having doubts about reconciliation. In order to have true R he must have no contact with his affair partner. This means never seeing her or talking to her ever again! He can not repair his marriage with you while he goes out to lunch with the person he destroyed his marriage with. It just doesn't work that way. He is the one who made choices to deceive you and lie to you. Now he needs to pay for his mistakes if he want this marriage to survive. He must transfer to another office or quit his job. This is the price of infidelity.

I suggest you read the newbie links. Start a hard 180 and
buy Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Is he going any heavy lifting? Is he 100% transparent?

Good luck!


Wanted to add: Its not an emotional affair if they kissed. kissing is Physical. This is a PA, call it what it is.
FYI, kissing is cheaters script for sleeping together. I'd suggest scheduling a polygraph.
Oh, my head is rushing!! He works as a security consultant for a company and has polygraphs done regularly on staff that steal - . He says they were naked but he could not do it - one blurted out that she could give him a hard one but not me. According to him she tells het boyfriend every detail - which he does not tell me - I almost feel to contact the boyfriend for some detail. I said if he loved me and does not want to hurt me he should end it. Well that did not make any difference - he just does what he wants to - nobody is telling him. Thanks for the advice - I will revert back to it and think about everything.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

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Originally Posted by pegasus View Post
I just want peace and someone to love me. That is not much.
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Start by loving yourself. You are a strong woman, you survived one of the most traumatic experiences anyone could go through. Stand up for yourself!!

If he loved you enough, he wouldn't keep hurting you this way.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yes, this here is the problem in a nutshell. He refuses to end the friendship. They are both "working on their relationship" and yet hold meetings together to discuss their progress with their respective partners? WTF? And now he shuts you out of THEIR "friendship" by not telling you anything? And they "date" (lunches)?

I completely understand your anger. I've been there. Sometimes you have to seriously "rattle the cage". Either he ends it, or you are done with the marriage. Either you are his sole confident, or you are through. He doesn't get to confide in OW about your marriage. That in itself is disrespectful to you. He doesn't get to "bond" with the OW. He is bonded to you.

If he doesn't realize how serious this is to you, you may have to make some serious changes in order to get the message across to him. Perhaps if you haven't already done so, start separating your finances so that you will be ready for whatever the future holds. I wish you the best.
Thank you for that. I'm thinking of a separate account - he doesn't like the idea, but since he is always doing what he wants I'm going to do what I want and that is my own account. Then he can spend his money as he wants - whatever. Yes - I will never know what the future holds but perhaps there is some happiness there.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

Your husband has you apologizing to him for his cheating.

He is lying to you. The story about what he did with the OW doesn't pass even the most basic smell test.

And he won't stop the affair. If you want to keep your sanity and self-respect, you should confront him and tell him it's you or her and mean what you say.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

Please contact her boyfriend immediately!! I'd bet money he has no clue about any of this. Its extremely important not to tell your husband you are going to do this. They can try to gaslight him before you get a chance to expose her infidelity.
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

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Originally Posted by pegasus View Post
This is not the 1st time. I told him to choose. He chose to stay and end the affair. Told me it was only an emotional affair - as if that is any consolation - they kissed and touched. Needless - he ended it but they are still friends - working together and he says not seeing each other regularly. I don't bbelieve a word he says - still have to work on that. Now my problem is I cannot get all this that has happened and her out of my head - I'm constantly thinking of her - and I'll even say something negative about her (this is in private). All of this happened 6 months ago - husband says I should get over her. I said not as long as they are still friend and not one of us will budge on that. My heart was broken and sometimes still hurt and lots angry. I hate that she came and ruined my life - now I have to struggle with this and she is in a relationship possibly marrying soon. My husband said that should put me at ease - I said what? Marriage did not matter at the time. This has changed my personality. He is a dominant person - I no longer keep quiet - I say what I want and put myself first before him. He says he misses the old me - get a life - he caused this. He did apologoze and said he said it once and is not going to say it over again. Our marriage were lacking but we were not unhappy at all. How could you do something like this to the one you love - what is love then - he says it just happened - he did not ask for it. Help I need to get over it - I need to forgive her for myself.
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Dear pegasus,

The advice you've received so far is sound. You WH (wayward husband) needs to stop seeing or having any contact with the OW (other woman) for there to be any chance of fixing your marriage. As long as he is in contact with her, the relationship continues, if not physically then at least emotionally, and that will prevent him from doing what he needs to do to regain your trust and respect.

In addition, as others have said, your WH has almost certainly not revealed the full extent of his relationship with the OW. You need to know this in order to decide if you want to save your marriage, if it can be saved and what steps you need to take to try to fix it if you decide to.

Also, you WH has to accept that fact that he is totally responsible for his actions, has to demonsrate true remorse for what he has done and has to be prepared to do whatever it takes to win you back. That is what reconciliation is all about and, if these things don't happen, there can be no real reconciliation.

Now look at the parts of your originally post that I've bolded. Let me suggest that you are asking the wrong question, probably as the result of your WH's influence. The questions you should ask yourself are: do you want to stay married to your WH and, if so, what is the most effective way to rebuild your marriage? By asking yourself how you can "get over" his cheating, you are avoiding the real problem (his cheating) and failing to lay the ground work for your eventual recovery from what he has done to you. Your goal in all this should be to your own happiness. Whether this comes about in a renewed and better relationship with your WH or in a new life without him will depend upon what he does to repair his marriage and how much you are able to put up with. There are two reasons why you need to begin to think about a life without him.

First, not all marriages can be saved after one partner has an affair. Maybe yours can but maybe it can't. You need to prepare yourself for the latter possibility. That means preparing yourself emotionally (by beginning to envision a life without him), financially (by making sure you have the means to support yourself if you decide to leave him) and legally (by understanding the divorce laws in your state/country and your legal rights, obligation and options if you decide to divorce him).

Second, given the resistance you are getting from your WH, you need to give him a reason to come clean about what he has done, end it with the OW and start doing what he needs to do to regain your trust. There is no more effective a wake up call that you can give your WH than to tell him that you are prepared to end your marriage over this. If that doesn't get him back on the straight and narrow, nothing will but, if as you say you had a pretty good marriage before this happened, then the chances are good that he will finally realize the seriousness of his situation and start doing the right thing. In order to make this threat really effective, IMO, you should already have spoken to an attorney when you drop this bomb on your WH but, at the very least, let him know that you will see an attorney if he doesn't take the necessary steps (see below) AND give him a deadline.

You also should start doing the "180," which involves beginning to live your life for yourself and preparing yourself for a life without him. You can look it up to see what all it entails but, basically, it means minimizing your interactions with your WH to only what is absolutely necessary (taking care of your children, dealing with financial issues, etc.), getting yourself in the best possible physical shape and making yourself as attractive as possible (not for him but for yourself and your new life without him if it comes to that). This accomplishes two things: (1) it prepares you for your future (with or without him) and (2) it lets him know what a great woman he will lose if he doesn't start to fix himself and repair his marriage. During this process, you should not act in an angry or unkind way to your WH, instead you should act indifferent to him. The goal is to get him to understand that you can live without him but also to leave the door open if he wants to come crawling back to you (and you should expect him to crawl at least a little bit).

When you tell him that his marriage is on the line, you also need to tell him what he needs to do to avoid your divorcing him. This should include your WH:

- coming totally clean about what he has done (telling him that he will have to take a polygraph test can be an amazingly effective way of getting the full truth),

- sincerely apologizing to you for cheating and taking full responsibility for his actions (no excuses, rationalizations or blaming you),

- sending the OW a letter stating that, for the sake of his marriage, he can have no further communications with her (he writes the letter, gives it to you to see and you mail it),

- breaking off all contact with the OW (even if that means changing jobs),

- disclosing to his and your family and possibly others (e.g., his minister, priest or rabbi) what he has done and

- agreeing to marriage counseling and, as appropriate, individual counseling (something that you may also want to get).

I also agree with the advice that you should disclose the affair to the OW's fiance. The poor guy deserves to know what kind of woman he is engaged to.

In addition to seeking advice from sources like TAM, you should consider discussing your problem with close family and trusted friends in order to build an emotional support network. You will need it. But be careful whose advice you take. Some people will filter your problem through their own distorted lens (e.g., people bitter over their own marriage problems). It's your life and your decision, so don't be unduly influenced by others.

If you are a religious person, seking spiritual counseling and praying for wisdom and strength will also help you.

Finally, try as best you can to separate your emotions from your reasoning. You need to think as clearly as possible about your situation and how best to address it and that requires a logical plan, not an emotional response. Also, be careful not to rely on alcohol or other drugs to deal with your pain, as this will only exacerbate your problems and lead to bad choices on your part.

I sincerely hope that you find this advice helpful and I wish you the best in this most difficult time.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Dear pegasus,

The advice you've received so far is sound. You WH (wayward husband) needs to stop seeing or having any contact with the OW (other woman) for there to be any chance of fixing your marriage. As long as he is in contact with her, the relationship continues, if not physically then at least emotionally, and that will prevent him from doing what he needs to do to regain your trust and respect.

In addition, as others have said, your WH has almost certainly not revealed the full extent of his relationship with the OW. You need to know this in order to decide if you want to save your marriage, if it can be saved and what steps you need to take to try to fix it if you decide to.

Also, you WH has to accept that fact that he is totally responsible for his actions, has to demonsrate true remorse for what he has done and has to be prepared to do whatever it takes to win you back. That is what reconciliation is all about and, if these things don't happen, there can be no real reconciliation.

Now look at the parts of your originally post that I've bolded. Let me suggest that you are asking the wrong question, probably as the result of your WH's influence. The questions you should ask yourself are: do you want to stay married to your WH and, if so, what is the most effective way to rebuild your marriage? By asking yourself how you can "get over" his cheating, you are avoiding the real problem (his cheating) and failing to lay the ground work for your eventual recovery from what he has done to you. Your goal in all this should be to your own happiness. Whether this comes about in a renewed and better relationship with your WH or in a new life without him will depend upon what he does to repair his marriage and how much you are able to put up with. There are two reasons why you need to begin to think about a life without him.

First, not all marriages can be saved after one partner has an affair. Maybe yours can but maybe it can't. You need to prepare yourself for the latter possibility. That means preparing yourself emotionally (by beginning to envision a life without him), financially (by making sure you have the means to support yourself if you decide to leave him) and legally (by understanding the divorce laws in your state/country and your legal rights, obligation and options if you decide to divorce him).

Second, given the resistance you are getting from your WH, you need to give him a reason to come clean about what he has done, end it with the OW and start doing what he needs to do to regain your trust. There is no more effective a wake up call that you can give your WH than to tell him that you are prepared to end your marriage over this. If that doesn't get him back on the straight and narrow, nothing will but, if as you say you had a pretty good marriage before this happened, then the chances are good that he will finally realize the seriousness of his situation and start doing the right thing. In order to make this threat really effective, IMO, you should already have spoken to an attorney when you drop this bomb on your WH but, at the very least, let him know that you will see an attorney if he doesn't take the necessary steps (see below) AND give him a deadline.

You also should start doing the "180," which involves beginning to live your life for yourself and preparing yourself for a life without him. You can look it up to see what all it entails but, basically, it means minimizing your interactions with your WH to only what is absolutely necessary (taking care of your children, dealing with financial issues, etc.), getting yourself in the best possible physical shape and making yourself as attractive as possible (not for him but for yourself and your new life without him if it comes to that). This accomplishes two things: (1) it prepares you for your future (with or without him) and (2) it lets him know what a great woman he will lose if he doesn't start to fix himself and repair his marriage. During this process, you should not act in an angry or unkind way to your WH, instead you should act indifferent to him. The goal is to get him to understand that you can live without him but also to leave the door open if he wants to come crawling back to you (and you should expect him to crawl at least a little bit).

When you tell him that his marriage is on the line, you also need to tell him what he needs to do to avoid your divorcing him. This should include your WH:

- coming totally clean about what he has done (telling him that he will have to take a polygraph test can be an amazingly effective way of getting the full truth),

- sincerely apologizing to you for cheating and taking full responsibility for his actions (no excuses, rationalizations or blaming you),

- sending the OW a letter stating that, for the sake of his marriage, he can have no further communications with her (he writes the letter, gives it to you to see and you mail it),

- breaking off all contact with the OW (even if that means changing jobs),

- disclosing to his and your family and possibly others (e.g., his minister, priest or rabbi) what he has done and

- agreeing to marriage counseling and, as appropriate, individual counseling (something that you may also want to get).

I also agree with the advice that you should disclose the affair to the OW's fiance. The poor guy deserves to know what kind of woman he is engaged to.

In addition to seeking advice from sources like TAM, you should consider discussing your problem with close family and trusted friends in order to build an emotional support network. You will need it. But be careful whose advice you take. Some people will filter your problem through their own distorted lens (e.g., people bitter over their own marriage problems). It's your life and your decision, so don't be unduly influenced by others.

If you are a religious person, seking spiritual counseling and praying for wisdom and strength will also help you.

Finally, try as best you can to separate your emotions from your reasoning. You need to think as clearly as possible about your situation and how best to address it and that requires a logical plan, not an emotional response. Also, be careful not to rely on alcohol or other drugs to deal with your pain, as this will only exacerbate your problems and lead to bad choices on your part.

I sincerely hope that you find this advice helpful and I wish you the best in this most difficult time.
Thank you so much for all the advice - although we are 6 months on - I still feel I get the short end of the stick. Saving your message. He said he was sorry but will not say it every now and again and one thing he said he will NOT do is crawl. Now I don't expect that but a bit more constructive work at the marriage is more my idea of which he is doing a little. I might add that it was me seeking IC and MC (where he stormed out after the 2nd visit). I printed lists from the inetrnet - we ended up not doing it (he at last said he wanted to but we never did), I printed articles to read - "what do they know he said". So I've tried my damdest. Will keep your advice and taking it day by day. He says he just want calm at home - so we don't communicate often about this - which can sometimes lead to heavy discussions to irrationale fighting calling names etc. I'm not a fighter by heart and easily gets hurt. So I'm not always in the mood to be strong to fight. Will get there - either married or not.
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Old 11-19-2012, 01:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband cheated after 24yrs of marriage - help - how do I get over it?

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Thank you so much for all the advice - although we are 6 months on - I still feel I get the short end of the stick. Saving your message. He said he was sorry but will not say it every now and again and one thing he said he will NOT do is crawl. Now I don't expect that but a bit more constructive work at the marriage is more my idea of which he is doing a little. I might add that it was me seeking IC and MC (where he stormed out after the 2nd visit). I printed lists from the inetrnet - we ended up not doing it (he at last said he wanted to but we never did), I printed articles to read - "what do they know he said". So I've tried my damdest. Will keep your advice and taking it day by day. He says he just want calm at home - so we don't communicate often about this - which can sometimes lead to heavy discussions to irrationale fighting calling names etc. I'm not a fighter by heart and easily gets hurt. So I'm not always in the mood to be strong to fight. Will get there - either married or not.
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I'm sure you will, pegasus. God bless you.
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