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I cheated and now I'm being blackmailed

176K views 234 replies 75 participants last post by  Deejo 
#1 ·
I wish I had found this site under better circumstances but unfortunately, I didn't. Now from what I have read, I know I will probably catch a lot of mess for what I did. I am here because I am in a really bad situation and I need some advice on what to do.

I have been married for 8 years. We have had good times and bad times but for the most part, we always worked through it. We have 3 sons that are 10 months, 6, and 7. I won't give too much back story so I can make this short. My husband has a guy that he works out with. They are also co-workers. My husband is good friends with the guy and sometimes tells me what the guy does. his friend is a womanizer that sleeps with a lot of women. My husband told me how he cheated on his wife and how he is the biggest player on his job.

I thought the guy was pretty disgusting just by what my husband had told me. One day, he showed up to out house to go out with my husband and I was shocked by how handsome he was. He was a real gentleman, in shape, and had a lot of confidence. I could tell why so many women had fallen for him.

To go off topic for a minute, my husband has a problem with saying no. If someone asks him to work later or extra, my husband will always do it but complain later. It really pisses me off and he doesn't come off as being the strong man that I once knew him to be. On top of this, me and my husband have been a bit distant since he has now been working a lot more.

Back in June, me and my husband decided that we will dedicate one day a week to us. No kids or responsibiities, that time would be set aside to work on our relationship and to get closer. So in August, I had a big Sunday set aside for us. The kids were with my parents and me and my husband were supposed to have sex and go out. You can probably guess what happened. He got called in to work and it pissed me off because he could have said no. He chose to say yes.

He said he was sorry but left me there all alone. He was so much in a rush to get to work that he left his keycard at home. He called me and said that his friend would pick it up for him since he was in the area and had to come to work also.

His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day. He later told my husband that he had a flat tire so that's why he was late to work.

This affair has been going on since August. looking back, I feel bad for living this lie and lying to my husband. Me and his friend hooked up at a hotel a few times and he has came over a few times while my husband was working.

Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them. I know that it is best for me to tell my husband but I don't know if I should. This may hurt him so much since that is his good friend.

Whatever I did, I knew that I had to break off the affair. I called him on last week and told him that we can no longer see each other. I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore. I thought he would understand but he actually shocked me. He told me that this sexual arrangement will be over when he says that it is over. He says that if I try to break it off, he will tell my husband everything and say that I seduced him. He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.

I don't want my husband to find out about this from his best friend. the problem is that I am afraid to tell him myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. I don't want him to leave me and I want to make this relationship work. What should I do to fix this?? His friend says he is serious about tell him and he said that it is over when he says it is over. Help please.
 
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#175 ·
I got through a couple pages.. lol.

With some of these posts recently, I get a picture in my head of someone entertaining themselves by throwing an impala into cage full of hungry lions and watching them tear it apart.

This story is absurd on so many accounts. lol.

I lose total faith in human beings in general when I consider that some of these stories could be true. That there are people all over the place that are mindless sexual zombies and void of any self control or moral bearings.
 
#176 ·
I got through a couple pages.. lol.

With some of these posts recently, I get a picture in my head of someone entertaining themselves by throwing an impala into cage full of hungry lions and watching them tear it apart.

This story is absurd on so many accounts. lol.

I lose total faith in human beings in general when I consider that some of these stories could be true. That there are people all over the place that are mindless and void of any self control or moral bearings.
This is my guess too but people keep commenting as if it's real. It's like a sick reality
TV show but it's keeping me entertained...

(Note to self: Get new hobbies.)
 
#186 · (Edited)
Keeping this secret will suck your soul dry.
Here is the road you will go down.

1.you will justify the behavior.
"My husband neglects me"

2. You will blame your husband.
"My husband is not the man I need him to be"

3. You will lose respect for your husband.

4. You will lose sexual interest in your husband, and deny him sex (this will be incredably cruel).

5. Your friendship with your husband will shut down.

6. You will become bored and crave intimacy with other men, you wil have more affairs, you will be UNABLE to resist your husbands friend and you will STRONGLY desire to be with him.

7. By keeping this a secret you are guaranteeing that your relationship with your husband will get worse and worse.


You will become an empty shell who will not enjoy the presence of your husband and children.
The only thing that you will want will be affair sex, you will be like an additc and will crave affair sex, just not with your husband.

Maybe you will not cheat again but your capacity for happiness will become less and less.

Will you be able to live this way for the rest of your life in order to "spare" your husbands feelings and keep you lifestyle intact?????
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#188 ·
Right now in the beginning you feel guilt and fear and so what I wrote is on hold, you cant believe it would go as I have written, you think you will just put it behind you and move on.

It will at that time be behind you, but more like a monkey on your back.

Btw if you tell you husband and come back here, these same people will be very helpful to you as they have been to many others.
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#192 ·
This sounds like a "tripped, fell, and landed on his d-ick" story.



You need to tell your husband the truth.
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#196 ·
I suggest you have a three way with the OM and your husband.

when the OM is naked and in you, tell your husband you've been cheating with this scum bag for the past year and that your husband should kick his ass.

Do not let me him out, while you husband pounds him senseless.
 
#208 · (Edited)
I wonder what he told her husband when he handed him the key card?

"Your wife sends her love"






The om is always ready for a good shag.
Yes he saw the sexual interest.

But she totally came on to him.

He could tell her husband that and be 100% accurate.


Also this
"the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day."

She has left the truth out here.
She initiated it!

She went in for a kiss and grabed his Cqck and the rest is history!

Did he spread any bodly fluids on the key card as a "diss" to her husband?

He must think your husband is a real chump now. To have a wife like you that would throw her self at someone, he is very flattered BTW also.
He is probably working to break you two up right now?

That way he takes no blame and he can bang you again.


I bet your husband already wonders about the "flat tire". He is not stupid.

It is going to GUT him some day when he finds out what you did, especially hearing it from someone other than you.
What will you do when he asks you? You will LIE AND LIE, LIE AND LIE, LIE AND LIE!

You will never feel good about yourself if you dont do the right thing

He will find out!
 
#210 ·
I totally believe this poster is for real.

Seriously...go to any swank nightclub in North Scottsdale on a Friday night and you will meet dozens of vacuous women just like her. Half of them will be with men who are not their husbands.

And vice versa of course.
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#216 ·
OP stated: He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.
What? So....huh? :confused:

I dunno. It's fear that drives her actions. She's afraid of her husband finding out and her world crashing. She saw the OM twice nad had sex both times...that didn't "just happen".
 
#220 ·
Ele, I say I'm not interested until she stops trying to sell that because I know what it takes to confess. If she's not committed to it she'll find any opportunity to equivocate and she'll likely fold like origami. I was hoping a little to get her to re-engage by declaring that line of thought not worth debate, of course that's just my opinion. As far as a threat to her personal safety, I believe everyone here would tell her that is a separate and overriding issue and that she must protect herself and her child. For me, I could not imagine living in a marriage with a secret like that, it would eat me like cancer. If I couldn't speak the truth for fear of my safety I would leave.

FWIW I'll offer her this. If she wants to save her marriage IMO the only way to do so is to tell him. If she doesn't her H is married to someone who does not exist. He is married to the woman that used to exist up until she cheated on him. He could choose to love the her that exist today, he as likely could not, either way it would be an honest and genuine relationship between them with both of them having the benefit of all of the information. Who wants to be loved if what the other person loves is a lie???

Confessing is hard. It is also the very best and most effective thing you can do to show the spouse you betrayed that you are sorry, remorseful, and are willing to accept accountability for what you have done.
 
#221 ·
I do see your point of view, and I do respect it and you.

I just disagree on how much help and compassion she deserves and the primary reason is that it is pretty clear that if the prospect of her husband finding out on his own didn't exist.. She would not have said a word, would not be here and likely would have done this again and again with whomever.

For gods sake, she was blowing his 'best' friend within minutes of meeting him. Now facing a "gun to her head" she's suddenly found her conscience and is repenting her "mistake". Yeah, shes genuinely remorseful now and wants to do the right thing. No, she wants a way out.

How could you not expect her to get called to the carpet on that?

And we aren't even talking about the absolute that we all know, which is that she is a cheater (accomplished liar) and has rebuilt and spewed her version of this reality for all of our benefits with an end goal of getting herself out of this disaster she created (and enjoyed for a longtime). You think this is the real story? Your willing to bet that this is the only mistake and it's not much worse than being described or that the things she's said that tug at your heart strings weren't chosen to do just that?

I am impressed that your heart can still pour out for her. Your a better person than I am. Honestly. Maybe that's something I should think about.

For the record, I believe she was hoping like many other people for a magic spell or alternative to what is clearly the only solution. she probably knew what it was to begin with but wanted an eaiser "out".

For what its worth, OP... here's the wisdom you came looking for...

Tell him. [/thread]

Even if this isn't a genuine true story, it's turned into an engaging conversation. Cool forum.
 
#227 ·
For gods sake, she was blowing his 'best' friend within minutes of meeting him. Now facing a "gun to her head" she's suddenly found her conscience and is repenting her "mistake". Yeah, shes genuinely remorseful now and wants to do the right thing. No, she wants a way out.
Sometimes it takes things like this to get people to snap out of their fog, or at least to get it to start to dissipate.

It’s those nasty consequences that I was talking about. Her situation as a particularly bad consequence if it’s true that the OM is now blackmailing her. The thing about doing bad things is that they bite the doer in the ass pretty well.

You and I don’t need to do anything to give her a consequence. She’s squirming because of the actions of her AP, the natural consequences.
How could you not expect her to get called to the carpet on that?
It’s one thing to call someone on the carpet, or mention that their reason for wanting to now do the right thing is pretty sad. It’s another to tell someone that they are disgusting, and the other name calling that has gone on here.

Personally, I don’t care that this is what has let her to starting to see the consequences, to understand the pain she has caused and to doing the right thing… what I care is that something, anything moved her in the right direction. That’s just me.
And we aren't even talking about the absolute that we all know, which is that she is a cheater (accomplished liar) and has rebuilt and spewed her version of this reality for all of our benefits with an end goal of getting herself out of this disaster she created (and enjoyed for a longtime). You think this is the real story? Your willing to bet that this is the only mistake and it's not much worse than being described or that the things she's said that tug at your heart strings weren't chosen to do just that?
Nothing she has said it tugging at my heart strings. I feel no sympathy for her at all. I do feel sympathy for her husband and children.

What I feel is that karma/consequences (whatever you want to call them) are starting to hit her now. Sure she is squirming. That’s what cheaters and liars do. But I know that she is not going to be able to squirm her way out of this mess she has created. Instead I’m trying to help her find a way to navigate the mess who that the innocent people around her suffer the least.

There is another thing… sometimes people do really terrible things and learn from them. Sometimes they come out of them much better people. We do have people who cheated who did just that . I know people in my own life who cheated once, learned from it and have never done anything like that again. They were able to recover their marriage and move on. Maybe this will be the path her husband and she choose. If so they can use all the support they can get. But they are not going to get that support here.
I am impressed that your heart can still pour out for her. Your a better person than I am. Honestly. Maybe that's something I should think about.

For the record, I believe she was hoping like many other people for a magic spell or alternative to what is clearly the only solution. she probably knew what it was to begin with but wanted an eaiser "out".
Of course she’s looking for a magic way out. There is no magic way out.

If she does not tell him she will be eaten away inside for the rest of her life (unless she is a sociopath).

If she does tell him the path forward will be one of the hardest things she ever goes through.

For what its worth, OP... here's the wisdom you came looking for...

Tell him. [/thread]

Even if this isn't a genuine true story, it's turned into an engaging conversation. Cool forum.
I agree that even if the story is not true it’s a good thread.
 
#222 ·
I do feel for the OP but she's not willing to tell her husband and is willing to do almost anything to keep it a secret from him.

With that in mind, the only other alternative for her is to keep sleeping with the OM until he tires of her and moves on. Then she can heave a big sigh of relief, be the martyr and eat the pain and guilt to save him from the shame she's brought upon her family. Win/win situation, she keeps the secret and spares her husband and her family from this awful situation.

I really only see 2 options, tell the husband and get it over with.

Keep the secret and keep on sleeping with the OM and play the martyr.

Well a 3rd option is she runs away from all her problems, which some people do.

OP made a horrible decision. Now she's on the brink of making another horrible decision.

When you play with fire, more often then not you'll get burned. How badly you get burned all depends on how long you're willing to hold your hand in the fire. And right now, you've got your armed shoved all the way down to the bottom of that fire. And even though it's hurting so badly, you just won't remove your hand for whatever reason (well I know what the reasons are).
 
#232 ·
**Edited, nm saw the post up above where she's asking when to tell her husband before or after the holidays**

Damn, nm it stated IF I TELL

So my answer to your questions elegirl for the 3rd option of she chooses to stop the affair. At the current time she's willing to do almost anything to keep this secret from her husband. In order to do that, she's going to have to keep sleeping with the OM to keep his mouth shut. Until that "IF I TELL" turns into "When I TELL" I'll put my money on her still sleeping with the OM to buy her some more time.
 
#235 ·
Bums me out when I see this stuff gets over 200 replies in 24 hours, and other ... real posts ... go largely ignored. Handful of replies.

People like drama.

This guy ... yes folks, laurie is a dude, undoubtedly knows how to deliver. And he pulls'em in every single time he shows up.

Hell I may take a crack at it.

And it gets stated in every thread, but I will repeat it once again ...
If you accuse someone of being a troll within a thread, you are subject to being banned.

Report the post. Click on the little red triangle with the exclamation point in it below the posters name.

Thread closed.

Happy Thanksgiving.
 
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