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How can I trust my husband again

14K views 129 replies 29 participants last post by  hellokitty48 
#1 ·
Hello all,

I found out three months ago that my husband has been cheating on me with a co-worker.

How do I trust him again? I tried to have him talk to me about the affair and he refused. He said everytime I ask a question he has to re live the past and all he wants to do is move forward. He said he chose me and and our family and I have to let it go for us to move forward.

I told him how hurt I am and he said he knows but how long I am going to play the victim card?

I am having a hard time dealing with this and have no one to talk to. I want to stay in my marriage and I still do love my husband. Please help me.
 
#3 ·
He does not want to go to counseling. He said I should go since he feels I am depressed. I am currently looking into getting counseling for myself. He says he is conscious of his actions and knows he hurt me but wants to move on with me. It was a mistake/experiment and it was just sexual, no emotional attachement.

I asked him why he did it and what was missing in our marriage for him to feel the need to have an affair. He said nothing was missing, that he wanted to feel what it is like to have sex with someone else i.e. a blonde.

He is working on getting another job.
 
#4 ·
Do a little reading here about what a remorseful cheater looks like - it's not what your H currently looks like.

A genuinely remorseful cheater will recognize that the betrayed spouse desperately needs to talk about it - for multiple reasons. The BS needs to see the cheater take ownership and accept accountability for what they have done. The BS needs to hear the answers to the same questions over and over and over to begin to build any faith that they are getting the truth. The BS needs to hear the cheater talk about to see that they are willing to put their own pain and discomfort in discussing it aside in order to work on repairing the damage they have inflicted.

Fundamentally you are asking the wrong question. The question is not, "how can I trust my husband again?" But rather, "what can my husband do to earn my trust again?" You gave him your trust once and he broke it, now he has to earn it back - be sure he has done so before you give it to him a second time.
 
#17 ·
Do a little reading here about what a remorseful cheater looks like - it's not what your H currently looks like.

A genuinely remorseful cheater will recognize that the betrayed spouse desperately needs to talk about it - for multiple reasons. The BS needs to see the cheater take ownership and accept accountability for what they have done. The BS needs to hear the answers to the same questions over and over and over to begin to build any faith that they are getting the truth. The BS needs to hear the cheater talk about to see that they are willing to put their own pain and discomfort in discussing it aside in order to work on repairing the damage they have inflicted.



Fundamentally you are asking the wrong question. The question is not, "how can I trust my husband again?" But rather, "what can my husband do to earn my trust again?" You gave him your trust once and he broke it, now he has to earn it back - be sure he has done so before you give it to him a second time.
Sigma hit the nail on the head.

the disloyal spouse is always the one who needs therapy first and foremost.
 
#5 ·
How do I ask the questions without sounding like I am blaming him or that I am curious about the affair? He said me asking how many times they had sex, when it started, why he did it etc is making him feel like walking away. He does not want to answer those questions because he feels I get depressed and am not ready to move forward. He said every week I asked the same questions and he is tired of answering them.

I just want to know that he is remorseful and sorry but he does not want to share that emotional side with me. He said he wants to deal with his guilt alone. I want to feel like he loves me but I don't feel it. He said the fact I he chose me and came back to work on our marriage is proof that he does love me.
 
#16 ·
This sounds A LOT like my WH and I will tell you from experience it makes it near impossible to move forward and forget about it. Its been 4, almost 5 years since I found out about my husbands affair and I still think about it daily. I dont think he is remorseful or cares how much he hurts me but he says if he didnt care he wouldnt be here. Well a damn roommate could be here..I dont need a roommate.

I didnt mean to get off on my own issues, I just wanted to let you know that if he wont talk you cant force him to talk. You also cant force him to be remorseful or show compassion towards you when you need it. Its a decision you have to make on whether you want to live like that.
 
#6 ·
He definitly is trying to sweep this under the rug. My wife tried the same thing when I caught her having an affair. She told me the same things your husband is telling you. I too wanted to know why she felt the need to go outside our marriage. I wondered what was wrong with me or what did I do wrong to make her stray. He needs to understand the damage his actions have done to you. He is making this about him and not about your marriage. To build trust agian he needs to have his life be an open book, that is something he has caused and if he is truly remorsefull about what he did then he shouldnt have a problem with it. Hope things work out for you and Im sorry you have to live through this. I know the feeling of not having anywhere to turn to or someone to talk too about this.
 
#7 ·
Well first - I was the cheater in my marriage so I speak from that side of the fence - just thought you should understand my perspective.

Here's the thing. If your H wants to reconcile with you - he doesn't get a vote. HE must do whatever it is that YOU need to reconcile. He's the one who broke the marriage - he does not get to define how to fix it - you do.

Fundamentally you just ask the questions - in reality you are blaming him - but always remember - HE DID IT!! What you can do to make it easier on him is to try not to react to the emotions that his answers evoke in you. If you can express to him how his answers make you feel without actually acting on those emotions it will make it much easier for him to open up to you. In other words if after every devastating answer he gives you either kick his ass or have a complete breakdown he will eventually stop answering solely out of self preservation. The best thing you can do is to make it as easy as you can for him to give you what you need. Having said that - the obligation is 110% on him.

This is really not optional or open to negotiation for a successful reconciliation - IMO you pretty much can't have one without the cheater being will to lay it all out on the table and talk about it as many times, and as often as the BS needs. It's hard work, it's not fun - but it is essential.
 
#8 ·
How do I speak to him without sounding like I am blaming him and that I do not forgive him and that I do not want to move forward? He said so far I am pushing him away by asking these questions. If I don't ask he does not talk about it either. He pretends like there is no problem. He wants to move forward.

I just gave birth to our first baby boy three months ago and suspected him. I asked him and he denied everything until I bugged his truck and heard him on his phone with her. Only then he said yes but kept insisting it was oral sex on him. Last Wednesday was when I heard more info that they did infact had sex and only then again he said yes it was sex. I aksed why he lied and he said I cannot handle the truth and kept saying I am depressed. I am NOT depressed, I want him to talk to me.
 
#23 ·
Your husband is a piece of excement!!!!

Your have every right to be depressed right now! He destroyed your marriage and killed your dreams/image of him. You are mourning the loss of the man you thought you were married to. Reality has slapped you in the face and you now realize you are married to a man who would lie, deceive and cheat on his pregnant wife. You are the one who decides whether you want to stay married to him (a cheater).

If he doesn't deal with the root of why he broke his marriage vows and lost his moral compass, he will repeat this behavior. This is not yours to fix. He must fix this since he destroyed it.

He broke your trust. Trust is earned and in order for you to build trust he needs to be transparent. You have every right to ask the questions you need answers to. Do not feel guilty. Your selfish husband holds all the pieces to the puzzle. You are trying to build the same puzzle but you are missing half the pieces. Your brain is trying to solve the puzzle with what pieces it has. Sometimes this is worse. He needs to give you the missing pieces so you can move on. Otherwise this issue (puzzle) won't be solved for you.

In order for reconciliation your husband needs to write a No Contact letter, quit his job, be totally transparent. This is the price of infidelity.

I'd suggest you both read Not Just Freinds by Shirley Glass

Good luck!
 
#9 · (Edited)
You do blame him and you should not forgive him until he proves he is remorseful.

The thing about telling you that you are pushing him away is classic. He's counting on the fact that you're more afraid of the marriage ending than he is. You can't make him reconcile or be remorseful - he has to do those himself. All you can do is define what you need to repair the marriage and what the consequences are if he can't meet those needs. Yes this is an ultimatum, the only caveat is be sure you mean it.

Here's the other side - until he does these things he's not remorseful, and he is showing you and your marriage no respect - let alone love. Can you live with that?

Not to make it worse, but here's a question for you - how do you know his affair is over?
 
#10 ·
You are being way too nice to him. Read the posts on this forum. Everytime a BS is nice they get hurt. Not only can you not trust him but until he shows real remorse you should not even consider it.


It is only the BS that kick their WS to the curb that get any kind of chance at R. You need to show him some real consequinces for his actions. Dump him. Tell him again how bad he hurt you, and that you can see he really doesn't care. Then file for divorce. You can always stop the divorce latter if you want to. If he comes crawling back crying and begging then and only then can you consider R. Anything less, don't take him back. He will just cheat again when you let your guard down.
 
#11 ·
Your husband doesn't sound remorseful. He is manipulating and controlling you. He cheated and you're afraid that you will ask too many questions & he will get fed up and leave.

If it were me, I would tell him to deal with the damage he caused or get out. He has you very off-balance right now. Not only did you have your world shattered by his cheating, but he's adding insult to injury by letting you know that he's given you the 'gift' of his presence by choosing you. It's not a gift. You're the gift to him by agreeing to take him back.
 
#12 ·
You cant just forgive something like this so easily. You need to let him know that forgivness comes over time and its something he needs to work on. Hes shutting down on you when you push for answers. When I found out about my wife, I pushed until she broke down and told me everything. I felt I had a right to know the answers to the questions I asked. You need to let him know that once you get the answers then you can begin to heal and SLOWLY start to move forward, but if he refuses to talk to you then he is only causing more damage to your marriage.
 
#13 ·
I only have his word that it is over. I promised to not bug his truck anymore. Yes, he is the one who cheated and he is the one making demands on how to move forward. If I say anything then he walks away from me and our child. That is basically the ultimatum. He said I have to trust him that the affair is over.

I am afraid that he will leave me, I cannot lie that is the truth. I do not want to be alone. We have been married for 14 years and just had a baby. I AM afraid of being alone. And I think he knows that which is why he is treating me like this.
 
#18 ·
That is exactly why he is doing what he is doing..control! He knows you are afraid to be without him so he has the upper hand and can make the rules. Its not fair to you at all, nor your child! He wants to tell you what to do and you accept it and I almost bet that he is still seeing her. I know you are hurt but the hurt will never go away until you know for sure that she is out of the picture and your husband shows remorse.
 
#14 ·
You cant be affraid of being alone, I know easier said than done. But you have to do whats best for you and the baby. Being with someone who does not respect you, sets a bad example for your children and shows them its ok to let ppl walk all over you. Its gonna be hard(really hard) but you need to tell him to man up or get out. If he truly cares then he will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Right now it sounds like hes already walkin out the door and ur stopping him, so he wants to see just what he can get away with. If you dont correct this now it will happen agian, assuming he isnt already doing it.
 
#15 ·
Have you heard the saying, "the one who cares less in a relationship is the one who holds the power"?

That's where you are I'm afraid. Until it is more important to you that your spouse love you, respect you, and treat you as someone who loves you should than not being alone is you're in a pickle.

Trust him that his affair is over???? I'm sorry - but - HA!!!!!! That is completely laughable. Almost no one - no one quits an affair voluntarily and especially with no drama. It just doesn't happen. The death of an affair is ugly and emotionally violent.

Spend some time reading here - read the link in my signature "Cheaters read this." You will find very little variation in what the collective wisdom here is about what a cheater must to and how they must act in order to have any chance of reconciliation. There's a reason for that - because it works.
 
#21 ·
You do need to be strong for you and your son, I know its easier said than done. But I promise you once you show him he doesn't have the control he thinks he does, you will begin to feel better about yourself and feel proud that you have more strength then you thought you had. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens
 
#25 ·
We are going away this weekend to work on our marriage. I really don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage but it will be at the expense of losing him so he can realize how serious this situation is. I know this....I am also worried about the financial ramifications if I kick him out and wait for him to come to his senses and be remorseful. It is not easy choosing the right path is it?

I am too comfortable and am afraid of being alone.:confused:
 
#26 ·
You must do what you fear most.

You can not save your marriage. The marriage you had no longer exists. Stop trying to save something thats gone.

Sometimes we have this desperation to save what is known and familiar no matter how screwed up it was.

You can decide to start over (rebuild and reconcile) but he needs to do the heavy lifting.
 
#27 · (Edited)
Just a quick update. I've made an appt to see a therapist, I start this afternoon. My husband still gets upset when I try to discuss the affair with him. He wants me to let it go and threatens to leave if I continue probing him. Last night we had another argument. He said he did what he did with his faculty intact; he knew it was something wrong he did and he chose to do it and now he will bear the consequences of his actions.

I am hoping the sessions with the counselor will help me. I am hurt and angry and when I tell him how I feel he says he knows but yet he does not console me the way a remorseful husband should. Am I asking for too much?
 
#28 ·
Aww honey I am so sorry to hear about your husbands affair. I found out my husband was cheating around two years ago and I still cant forgive him. He left me after a massive uproar and I bet you are wondering what did I do wrong for him to look elsewhere for intimate encounters.

Baby girl, my advice is that if you cant forgive him then you will be in the same boat as I was. You will live in anger and worry that it will happen again or if it is still happening. He doesn't have the right to tell you to get over it and to say that you are playing the victim card. At the end of the day you are the victim.

After going through my lengthy divorce which is supposed to settle April 2013, I hate cheaters, I hate my husband for what he did to me, my family, our marriage. Once that trust is broken in a marriage is really is all over and its a ticking time bomb as to when you will see that you deserve better than this. Your new born child deserves better than this.

Overall there are alot of people on here that are so willing to support you through this and that is great. I personally think that once that trust is gone it is near impossible to get it back because you will be thinking about his affair for a long time.

Think of your options, speak to your folks if you can and get their opinion.

I wish I could just scream out and say file for divorce but I know everyone is different.
 
#29 ·
So can I ask what may be a difficult and pointed question??



What do you expect the counselor to help you accomplish?

The counselor cannot reconcile with your for your H's infidelity, it sounds like you are expecting the counselor to help you learn to live with the fact that your H betrayed you and is not remorseful enough to be held accountable. Could that be the case? If so you are only wanting the counselor to help you quash your own self respect and good instincts.

IMO your H is in one of only two places. One is he's bluffing, believing that you are more afraid of him leaving than he is of having to face what he's done. To quote a line from "The Hunt for Red October" "The hard part about playing chicken is knowing when to flinch." Two, is he's a coward and that the destruction of his marriage is, to his thinking, preferable to having to face and be held accountable for his actions. My personal opinion is that he's some combination of the two. The only way to know is to call him on it and see if he'll turn and face it before he lets the marriage blow up.

I applaud your efforts to take care of yourself and your desire to want to save your marriage. BUT. Make no mistake, without true remorse from your H you are not reconciling, at best you are rug sweeping and the odds for a repeat of all this are very very good. Only true remorse and real reconciliation offer any chance of a successful marriage post infidelity. Of course that just my opinion.
 
#30 ·
I agree with you....I don't know what to expect from my counselor. What I want to hear is that I am not crazy for feeling this way, that it is normal to feel this way and this is what my husband refuse to acknowledge. The fact that this has a huge impact on my life...I don't know how to get that point to him. I want to move on just like he does but I cannot stop thinking of how much he has hurt me and why he did it. His reasoning for why is NOT acceptable. If this was part my fault I would own up to it but I thought we had the perfect marriage and our moral values and marraige vows were a priority but now he would not acknowlege our religion or belief system. He said society expects too much of him and he was living his life to please others but finally he did something fo himself and he is now happy. How does that make me feel? I feel like a piece of *****.

Everytime we have an argument he makes it look like it is my fault because I am a nagger and my curiousity will make me end up a single mom and alone.

I do need to speak to a professional and focus on me. I've always been there for him now I have to be there for my baby and myself. I don't know what I will do but I have to muster the courage to do the right thing and I do know what the right thing is.
 
#34 ·
I agree with you....I don't know what to expect from my counselor. What I want to hear is that I am not crazy for feeling this way, that it is normal to feel this way and this is what my husband refuse to acknowledge. The fact that this has a huge impact on my life...I don't know how to get that point to him. I want to move on just like he does but I cannot stop thinking of how much he has hurt me and why he did it. His reasoning for why is NOT acceptable. If this was part my fault I would own up to it but I thought we had the perfect marriage and our moral values and marraige vows were a priority but now he would not acknowlege our religion or belief system. He said society expects too much of him and he was living his life to please others but finally he did something fo himself and he is now happy. How does that make me feel? I feel like a piece of *****.

Everytime we have an argument he makes it look like it is my fault because I am a nagger and my curiousity will make me end up a single mom and alone.

I do need to speak to a professional and focus on me. I've always been there for him now I have to be there for my baby and myself. I don't know what I will do but I have to muster the courage to do the right thing and I do know what the right thing is.
Sounds a lot like my WS. I hope the following will be helpful for you. You must be kind to yourself as much as possible and deflect his blaming you. Stay fresh and beautiful, buy yourself flowers don't say you bought them. Dress up at home or even to go to the grocery store. Take bubble baths and wear perfume at home... In other words make yourself feel good about you. Know your value, what you like about you and what makes you unique. KNOW none of it is your fault. It was his decision. Trusting him again is going to take a long time and will come when you are comfortable that he has integrity. If he has one, get a spy app and install it on his mobile smartphone since he is blocking you out - to test his honesty about the affair ending. Face the truth and keep trusting your very keen instincts. They will guide you to the best decision for you.
 
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