Ok so I've posted a couple of times here about my marriage. My husband of 6 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on sept. 26 of this year. I was shocked, begged for a chance and for him to really try. He said he liked flirting with other women and didn't find me attractive but not sure if he wanted a divorce. He said he would try. A couple of weeks later I started getting a gut feeling there was someone else. He of course denied it. I guilted him into admitting he talked to a 26 year old female co worker but it was innocent. I didn't believe him but had no proof so I told him he needed to choose between talking with her and being with me. He chose being with me. Fast forward to a week ago. I found the secret cell phone. Many texts about how hot he thought she was and just give him time and he will divorce me etc. when confronted he was very remorseful said he didn't love her, he just wanted to screw her. Long story short he says he feels like he owes it to the kids and me to give us a real try. The catch is she still works with him. He ended things with her and management knows about it and told them both that if it continued she would be fired on the spot. From reading the texts I got the impression that he was more into it than her, that she more or less just liked the attention and control she had. My question is has anyone heard of people involved in something like this continuing to work together platonically? He says he can handle it.
Just to give an update. H came home on Tuesday and said that he talked to OW when they had a minute alone. He said "this is hard"
OW "what is hard?" H "seeing you. Don't you think it's hard?" OW "no not at all" H "so your ok with pretending nothing happened?" OW "nothing did happen, my life is a lot less stressful now". I asked H how he felt, he said sad and hurt. Seems like she wants nothing to do with him. She has two young kids, needs the health insurance. She didn't know how serious the consequences were. I talked to counselor before hand. He said that while he knows it would be hard for me, that he doesn't see how he could fire her at this point. Lawsuits and bad feelings would be likely. He said for now it was best to see how focused H is at working on things. Session with H went well. H admitted to knowing he could get fired when he started things with OW. MC wants a private session with H to explore his intense desire, thinks he could be at risk. At home H and I talked about his issues with women. He said he's never admitted it out loud but deep down he's always thought he's had a problem with women. He grew up in a tourist town in which summers were filled with attractive women and he was a bartender and had sex with a lot of women. He has no idea how many, close to 100 though. Says the feelings in the beginning of relationships are very compelling to him. Wants feelings to be redirected to me, not other women. Wants to explore issue with IC session. Says if it wasn't this OW it would be another assistant who would more than likely be as attractive. He needs to learn to deal with it and is looking at continuing working with her as a learning experience. I know he shouldn't have contact with her, but I also see what he is saying that if not her, it could be someone else. She seems not interested so for now that is where we stand. I'm not overly hopeful but am not to the point of making a demand of him just yet. I feel confident that if he leaves me I will be fine. I contacted a lawyer and know an estimate on what I would get financially and it's enough to take care of everything I need.
Just to give an update. H came home on Tuesday and said that he talked to OW when they had a minute alone. He said "this is hard"
OW "what is hard?" H "seeing you. Don't you think it's hard?" OW "no not at all" H "so your ok with pretending nothing happened?" OW "nothing did happen, my life is a lot less stressful now". I asked H how he felt, he said sad and hurt. Seems like she wants nothing to do with him. She has two young kids, needs the health insurance. She didn't know how serious the consequences were. I talked to counselor before hand. He said that while he knows it would be hard for me, that he doesn't see how he could fire her at this point. Lawsuits and bad feelings would be likely. He said for now it was best to see how focused H is at working on things. Session with H went well. H admitted to knowing he could get fired when he started things with OW. MC wants a private session with H to explore his intense desire, thinks he could be at risk. At home H and I talked about his issues with women. He said he's never admitted it out loud but deep down he's always thought he's had a problem with women. He grew up in a tourist town in which summers were filled with attractive women and he was a bartender and had sex with a lot of women. He has no idea how many, close to 100 though. Says the feelings in the beginning of relationships are very compelling to him. Wants feelings to be redirected to me, not other women. Wants to explore issue with IC session. Says if it wasn't this OW it would be another assistant who would more than likely be as attractive. He needs to learn to deal with it and is looking at continuing working with her as a learning experience. I know he shouldn't have contact with her, but I also see what he is saying that if not her, it could be someone else. She seems not interested so for now that is where we stand. I'm not overly hopeful but am not to the point of making a demand of him just yet. I feel confident that if he leaves me I will be fine. I contacted a lawyer and know an estimate on what I would get financially and it's enough to take care of everything I need.
HOLY SH*T!!! THats a fish if ever there was one! Also, from what he's telling you it sounds like he may have a sex/love addiction. IF thats true he needs some heavy duty IC and you should discuss what he told you with the IC ASAP. THIS is a BIG DEAL.
A fish? He is going to set up a session with IC ASAP. I feel pretty sad because I feel like he has what you said, a sex/love addiction. Can theses types of people be helped? I just don't know. Oh and he looks at porn almost everyday on his phone I found out. Just really quickly, like when I am in shower or just before bed when he goes to get a drink.
A fish? He is going to set up a session with IC ASAP. I feel pretty sad because I feel like he has what you said, a sex/love addiction. Can theses types of people be helped? I just don't know. Oh and he looks at porn almost everyday on his phone I found out. Just really quickly, like when I am in shower or just before bed when he goes to get a drink.
Turnera, I'm not sure of anything at this point. I can tell you that before he was caught my gut told me he wasn't being truthful. I never fully believed him, I could tell from his eyes. They were just off. Ever since he was caught my gut tells me he is telling me the truth. His eyes are different. Another thing he says is that he feels dead inside, not happy and that he doesn't matter. All that matters is that he provides money for me and the boys. Hopefully IC will help him.
Thanks for clearing that up struggling. I thought that too, she didn't take the bait.
CTU, ever since he gave the ILYBNILWY speech sex has been amazing. New positions, more oral more passion. I was suspicious right away but enjoyed the ride. since I have lost weight and am looking really good physically, he's been making comments that I look hot and he brings me into the room for quickies. He has no problem getting or keeping an erection, but he has problems finishing. He has been lighting candles the last few weeks so he can see me and is very sensual. Frequency is pretty much everyday.
So- he gave you ILYBNILWY and THEN the sex got better? Are you SURE it was only an EA? Problems finishing could be too much masterbation bc of porn. How old is he?
I am as sure as I can be that it wasn't physical. None of the texts suggested that it did. he said that being physical was a place he wouldnt take it because of his job and he wouldn't be able to look at me in the eye if he did.He says he doesn't masturbate to the porn, he prefers to orgasm during sex. He is 39. The not being able to finish has happened before. He can get distracted by his mind easily, like if he thinks about finishing, he can't.
Hmmmm. I dont know. Guess the guys would have to weigh in here but I would think if he's THAT distracted he'd have trouble maintaining his erection as well....
Anyway, Yah, I think you really gotta talk to that IC about what he has said to you about how it would be someone else and how he likes that high of a new relationship. Those both speak to love/sex addictions if they are out of control and are interfering with his life and it seems they are. Print some stuff out and let him read it. at least he may start becoming aware of the fact that he has issues and start trying to control them until he can get some help.
I know I come off as passive and weak. I just don't feel strong enough right now to do anything. Between the kids and the stress H is putting me through I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Then put the holidays on top of it. I can't eat, I've lost 38lbs in 2 months. I can't sleep. I feel like a zombie all day and then pull it together whenever H is around to make things good. I know I am in denial, but I really want to believe him. I love him so much. He is not the same person I married. He has always been so logical and together, always figuring out the best thing to do. Now he can't make a decision to save his life. The more I read about sex/love addiction the more it sounds like him. It is like he allowed himself to go down that path of fantasizing about sex with other people and now it's starting to get out of control.
His behavior and the obsessive quality of it sound strange and "off" to me.
I think the solution is identifying a way for her to move somewhere else--leaning on the office management with the threat of telling HR--and let them sort out where she goes. Then, he is only allowed to work with a male assistant.
Cris... Please consider telling the office manager; the livelihood of your family is at stake.
Even if nothing physical ever happened between the two of you, his heart is not completely devoted to your marriage... You are leaving the door open for future marital issues.
Just an update. H is going to first IC session tonight to discuss his possible addiction. He has had a complete change of emotion. He came home from work one day announcing that he didn't have that pit in his stomach feeling when he saw his assistant and that it was like it was before they took it to the next level. From what I've read about love addiction, once the person stops showing interest the addict can switch quickly. He told me he's starting to feel a little something for me and that he has the urge to flirt with me and that I looked really good lately ( I have been dressing nicer etc.). One thing we have going for us is that we communicate really well. Everything is changing/shifting that I don't know which way is up. He has been very attentive lately. I don't know. I'm curious to see how IC goes for him. He's telling me things he likes and that we can't let things get back to the way they were if we are going to move forward. It's all so confusing. My guard is still up, but I'm trying to be positive. Thank you all for your great advice.
I am sorry to put it this way...but explain to us what happens when the pendulum swings the other way and she shows him attention again.
Also: "we can't let things get to where they were" implies to me that he is blaming you somehow for his outrageously inappropriate behavior with his employee.
He should be so ashamed of cornering this young single mom who desperately needs that job. Whether she responded or not. Are you seeing any admission at all on his part that this was wrong (not to mention, still actionable in a court of law).
Yes he admits it was wrong. He tells me all of the time how sorry he is. When he says that we can't let it get back to the way things were he means on both our parts. He is being more open about what he wants and needs from me and I am with him. As far as her showing him attention that's an unknown. He says he doesn't know for sure what would happen, he can't see into the future. All he can say is how he feels now, and he says he doesn't feel that way towards her. He says "that ship has sailed" and he feels that she wants to put it behind them as well.
As far as her showing him attention that's an unknown. He says he doesn't know for sure what would happen, he can't see into the future. All he can say is how he feels now, and he says he doesn't feel that way towards her.
I'm glad he's being transparent, and like Turnera wrote that would include passwords, etc. --- a complete open book. You should have access to all of him.
What concerns me is the bit above....he's leaving an open door imo with the verbiage "...doesn't know for sure what would happen [in the future]" That means if she turns towards him he could possibly be psyched and they'd be off to the races. What is he doing to prove that your marriage is not Plan B?
And I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this -- but glad regarding counseling. That work scenario's gotta go one way or another. (It took us 8 months. NOT ideal!)
What is he doing to give you utter transparency? Do you have a GPS on his phone? Are you dropping in on the office unannounced? Has he removed all passwords? Has he signed a post-nup agreement so that if he gets caught cheating again, you get everything? No? Then he's snowing you.
Cris7--take a look at this!! And show it to that office manager and your husband! This sort of thing smacks as gender discrimination to me, and I think it's a way of punishing the woman (the subordinate) vs. the man (the boss), so I disagree with this lawsuit as legal precedent. But, you should use it to your advantage.
A dentist acted legally when he fired an assistant that he found attractive simply because he and his wife viewed the woman as a threat to their marriage, the all-male Iowa Supreme Court ruled Friday.
Sorry it has been so long since I updated. So my husband has continued to work with this woman. It has been hard on me, there are good days and bad days, but overall I'm dealing with it well. Things between my husband and I have been really really good. We laugh and joke. We are still having incredible sex and he is complimenting me a lot. I have been taking really good care of myself, the house and the kids, but I put him and our marriage first. We have had a few talks about what triggered all of this and how he was able to "snap out of it" so quickly. The way I understand it, he became more and more unattracted to me and began resenting me because of how miserable I was. I don't blame him. He worked hard and I was a nagging b*tch. Now I'm not saying that that is an excuse for what he did, it isn't. I do however understand how he could have fallen out of love with me. I have made a lot of changes for the better and he notices and appreciates them. He also is doing more to help me around the house and his mood is much better. He says he has no urge to flirt with anyone anymore and that all of the lustful feelings for the assistant are gone. He just wants her to stay working for him because she is a really good assistant. He is very open with the interactions he has with her. he apologizes often for putting me through everything. i no longer have that sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I am not so dumb as to think we are completely out of the woods. It's only been 2 months. I know that there is a chance that he could switch back just as quickly, but I really don't think it would be with this particular person. All I can do is take it day by day and always do my best. As strange as it sounds, it feels like our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been. I hope it continues this way. Thank you all for your advice.
He says he has no urge to flirt with anyone anymore and that all of the lustful feelings for the assistant are gone. He just wants her to stay working for him because she is a really good assistant. He is very open with the interactions he has with her. he apologizes often for putting me through everything.
1. Are you doing anything to verify that what he's telling you is true? Such as -- is the Manager still aware and watching them? Do you have someone at the hospital who can verify?
2. Is he still in IC? Two months would be a short time to work out any kind of sex addiction if he had/has one.
3. I know you downloaded "Not Just Friends" and read it or parts of it. Did your husband ever read it?
Again, I'm so glad things are going well between the two of you and that you've made positive changes yourself (aren't we all in need of that? Your side of the story sounds so familiar (- but the reality is it was a full-on affair of one sort or another with the sexting, etc and him having continued contact working with her has got to be hell for you. Does he express how he'd like to change that and ameliorate your pain? Does he say that he'll go to any lengths necessary to remove the source of pain (her)? Can you have that type of discussion with him? It may be very, very hard to do that, but I have to tell you the fact that they still work together and everything is back to the way it was seems impossible to me. After people cross that line, it can never go back fully to the way it was. There's always that nagging knowledge.
My father was a physician and had an affair with one of the nurses on his staff. After my mother's confrontation, that woman was GONE! (I was only 5 and I knew what was going on.) Years later it seemed my father had gone back to the well with another person on his staff, or at least it was heading in that direction. What happened to that woman? Another confrontation and GONE. My Mom is like a tigress over her family. (But her first marriage failed because of infidelity so she fought with all her might for her second.)
Please, watch. And continue with all of the good work and loving him.
It takes years to move past infidelity. Keep on truckin'
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