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Husband EA with co worker, what to do?

46K views 272 replies 32 participants last post by  Blue_eyes78 
#1 ·
Ok so I've posted a couple of times here about my marriage. My husband of 6 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on sept. 26 of this year. I was shocked, begged for a chance and for him to really try. He said he liked flirting with other women and didn't find me attractive but not sure if he wanted a divorce. He said he would try. A couple of weeks later I started getting a gut feeling there was someone else. He of course denied it. I guilted him into admitting he talked to a 26 year old female co worker but it was innocent. I didn't believe him but had no proof so I told him he needed to choose between talking with her and being with me. He chose being with me. Fast forward to a week ago. I found the secret cell phone. Many texts about how hot he thought she was and just give him time and he will divorce me etc. when confronted he was very remorseful said he didn't love her, he just wanted to screw her. Long story short he says he feels like he owes it to the kids and me to give us a real try. The catch is she still works with him. He ended things with her and management knows about it and told them both that if it continued she would be fired on the spot. From reading the texts I got the impression that he was more into it than her, that she more or less just liked the attention and control she had. My question is has anyone heard of people involved in something like this continuing to work together platonically? He says he can handle it.
 
#168 ·
You know he hasn't ended the affair, right? If he is still contacting her via email, its not work related, they are still joking....yeah...still involved.

You do deserve so much better. Why has he not cut contact with her or even attempted to look for another job?

She cannot be in the picture at all if you want to save your marriage. NO CONTACT. PERIOD. None. Gone. No emails, phone calls, chats, stares across the office, lunch dates.....NOTHING.

Can he do that for you? If not, he is NOT worth your time and especially not worth your love.

Love yourself more than he loves you. Please. alte is correct - find some time to look at yourself, find inner strength and take back control. You can do this.
 
#170 ·
I am going to get a VAR today. I feel I need more proof before I say anything. I hate this. I'm feeling suspicious, meanwhile he has been more attentive. He snuggled me last night before we went to sleep. When he was leaving for work this morning he gave me a kiss and looked me in the eye and said love you. He hasn't said love you first in probably two weeks. Since I have been pulling back I hardly ever say it, and I know I haven't said it to him in a week. I checked his email on Wed. And there haven't been any playful emails between the two of them. I'm just scared. What if he is coming around and I ruin it by spying? I don't know. I just feel like I am never going to be satisfied. He hasn't emailed her, bit instead of being happy I think he's just being more sneaky. So I put a var in his car. What if that comes up with nothing? Will I be satisfied then? Probably not. Then what? I just don't know.
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#171 ·
Your H has decided that he's not in love with you, but then perhaps he is, and then, oops, he's again just not feeling it. So you give him the tiniest taste of what it will mean for him if you're not slavering after his love and he's suddenly interested again. This is a cr*ppy husband and a cr*ppy marriage.

Use the VAR, find out for sure what you're dealing with and then stand up for yourself. Your H doesn't respect you. You have to respect yourself. Why would you want to live your life hoping for the scraps that he throws you?
 
#173 ·
So I decided to have a talk with H. I told him I can't live in limbo anymore and I need to know if he is in this marriage with me or if he wants a divorce. I did a lot of talking. He said he doesn't want to be with me, that he doesn't want to be in our home. I kept talking saying a whole lot of stuff about how we could be so great if we both worked at it blah blah. He said you want a decision now? I said yes. So he took a few minutes and came back and said "I think we should divorce, but here's the thing. What if in two days I change my mind?" I was dumbfounded. He says he doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't want to do the whole "divorce thing". In that moment he thinks we need divorce, but he's not sure. He ended up sleeping in the basement. Before he went down he gave me a hug and started sobbing. I have never seen my husband cry like that. He then went downstairs. I went down after a few minutes and he said he was fine and asked me to just stop so I went to bed. This morning he tells me that he felt bullied last night and he was very angry. Said he never really thought about what it would mean to divorce me and now he was going to have to think about it. Said that he was just going to go through life until something struck him one way or the other. I am so confused. When he went to say good morning to our boys he ended up crying again in our bathroom. I am so scared I did the wrong thing by pushing him.
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#175 ·
So he doesn't want you and wants to divorce but might change his mind in 2 days???

Yes, you are his plan B and nothing more.

File for divorce, you really have no other choice at this point. Unless you want to continue in the limbo you are in for years and years and years. And just b/c you file doesn't mean it has to be finalized. Maybe he will come around. But don't count on it. Especially if he is still involved with OW.
 
#176 ·
Yep. He doesn't want the divorce, he doesn't want you, but he DOES want you to stay there and take care of him and meet his 'boring' needs while he gets his 'exciting' needs met by a PYT. Blech. Doesn't get more selfish than that.

I'm glad you did this - he would have let you stay in limbo for the next 40 years while he continued to satisfy himself.
 
#177 ·
Chris there is nothing to be scared of. You did the right thing:

1. You have to control the situation not him for your sake, and sorry but also for the sake of your children.
2. He will not respect you if you continue to act as a door mat.
3. Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship in which you are not appreciated. I also understand the not wanting to go through another divorce, but you did not do this, he did.

We have all been here and we have made it to the other side. I know how you feel bc I was right there with the yes and no and maybes - it killed me until I saw he was still at it and I decided it was enough. Take time for yourself, he has to be a responsible provider for your kids as well as you.
 
#178 ·
Thank you all for your support. It just hurts so bad. All I have done today is sit and cry. I've talked to friends and family and they all support me and what I did. I just don't know how he can walk away from us all. I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know what I'll do if he comes and says that yes we need to divorce. On the other hand I don't know what I'd do if he said he wanted to work on things either. I am so angry at him for doing this.
 
#179 ·
Cris, I am so, so sorry about this. Listen to Grey Goose. She knows what she's talking about.

I could be wrong but its likely he's sleeping with her and she's putting pressure on him. He felt "bullied" because you burst his cake-eating bubble. Kick him out. If he wants a divorce, give it to him, but because you will not be in a relationship with three people. Let her have him. He's gonna get a dose of reality. It is AWFUL, but protect those children. 180! You can't control his actions or thinking, especially while he's hooked on the sex of OW.

This is going to be very, very hard. There is no way you ever have a chance of him coming around until he faces consequences and right now you don't know what he'll do. He is not the person you knew right now. He's living in his selfishness. Let him have it. Don't try to coax him out. It doesn't work.

Believe you are more valuable than that, because you are. I wish I could give you a big hug!
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#182 ·
I'm still in limbo land. I'm giving it a week and if still nothing then I'm going to take charge. I try not to analyze all the little things he does to try and figure out which way he is leaning. He started the van to warm it up, he did the dishes after dinner and gave me a big hug and two intense kisses before he went to sleep in the basement. He plays with the boys more and makes small talk with me. I just don't know. I have been trying to stay neutral and not have false hope. I'll let you know how it turns out.
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#183 ·
Have you read Poppy's thread? Her FWH has been a model FWW but, in reality, after a year or so of trying to be an angel, his selfishness is peeking out, and she's back to being in pain. What I'm trying to say is, anyone can put on an act for a month, 6 months. But if they're still doing the hard work a year or two later, you can better trust the change was real.

That's why I often recommend a separation, to see if the FWS can accept the roughness of being apart and yet still do all he can to win you back. If he won't do the work, then he's still just being selfish.
 
#184 ·
That's why I often recommend a separation, to see if the FWS can accept the roughness of being apart and yet still do all he can to win you back. If he won't do the work, then he's still just being selfish.
Separations work, if you do them for you not thinking it will get you anywhere with them - bc if they do not want back in it will not do anything but send them off. Which is not bad, bc we do not want anyone with us that is not committed to us and our families.

I had a 1 year separation Chris, but I used it to focus on me. Now he is the perfect H, but I do not believe anything bc I also suffered from Trickled Truth and when he wanted back in he was not open about the A. Months later I tricked him and got it out - not pretty at all and if my system had already been ready to be on it's own, this put it in over drive and now it is very hard for me to believe, trust, feel and love.

I am not saying this to scare you, I want you to think about you and stop thinking about him. Once you are good, the world will turn again and we will see what happens then.
 
#186 ·
Ok so it's been a while since I've posted. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have even considered writing a letter to people he works with exposing the EA but have thought better of it. My husband is very depressed I believe. He has stopped doing things that he previously would not miss for the world. He keeps making comments about how he feels empty inside and how he thinks the boys and I would be better off if he were dead and we got life insurance money. The last big relationship talk we had I told him he needed to choose, marriage or divorce and stick to it. At that time I was angry and didn't know the depth of his depression. He said marriage and started reading marriage fitness much to my surprise. He has been doing that for about a week and a half. Yesterday was our anniversary. I did not say anything or get him anything. He got me a very sweet little card that was a pic of a kitten looking around a tree. It said "Peek-A-Boo I love you". He then wrote I'm sorry for everything. I gave him a hug and kiss and thanked him but wasn't overly emotional. Deep down I thought maybe this was a turning point. After the kids went to bed he goes and reads more of the book. When we go to bed he says I don't think I can do this anymore. We talk and he says that he thinks we should get a divorce. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. I asked him if he was confident in that decision and he said no he is scared that it could end up being the worst decision of his life. I asked him why he got me the card and he said that throughout all of this he has never stopped loving me. I am beyond confused. He then says that he wants to get a good nights sleep and see how he feels in the morning. We get up the next morning and he sleeps in I stead of working out ( very unlike him). I come back after bringing the kids to the bus and he asks if I wanted to come back to bed to warm up a little. I did. I asked him if a good nights sleep helped. He said he didn't want to talk about it. Then he starts initiating being intimate saying wow you feel so good I feel like I have to have you. We were intimate and he snuggled with me for a whole before getting ready for work. Have any of you dealt with this? I truly believe that he is extremely confused and that he is in MLC.
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#189 ·
Hi Chris. I'm coming to the thread a bit late but I just read it all through.
I could've written this myself. You are going through a lot of the same stuff I did.
Your H is still in his A. He's cake eating and confused.
Make the decision for him and ask him to leave.
I know how hard it is, honestly I've been in your position. It broke my heart to ask my H to leave but it had to be done.
You can't nice him out of this. He has to see there are consequences to his actions. It actually sounds like he still cares for you but he is cake eating and that has to stop other wise he will not stop the A. He has to think he is going to lose you.
Marriages can survive a separation. But they cant survive an A that has gone underground and is thriving in the darkness. We were separated for 4 months. It's only when I Started moving on with my life and let him go, that he realised what an idiot he had been.
You need to be strong and make the decision to let him go. Refuse to be part of the drama and ask him to leave.
Then sit back and watch the train wreck implode!
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#194 ·
I can see how you all jump to the conclusion that he is still in it with her. I have a few reasons why I don't believe so. The most important one being that he would get fired if he was caught again not to mention his reputation with the medical community. I also have no gut feeling that he is lying to me. I had strong feelings before and they turned out to be right. My gut is rarely wrong. He also rarely does anything outside of work and when he does I keep tabs on him. The playful emails between them have stopped. He didn't know I check. She has moved her baby daddy back in with her. I have friends that alerted me that they felt something was going on between them in the beginning that still work there. They say it is like night and day. No weird vibes or anything. If you guys could have met my husband before all of this you would be shocked at how he is acting. That is why I think he is depressed and in a MLC. The death of a close friend was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. A few weeks after that was when I got the ILYBNILWY speech.
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#196 ·
I check his phone and email, computer history and have GPS on vehicle. I search his car for secret phone and I have never found anything. I check phone records in case he deletes calls or texts and I even have his texts linked to our iPad so I know when he gets them. I am very thorough I don't want to be burned again.
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#199 ·
No he does not know I do all of this. I understand what you're saying silver, his EA was more like a game to him. He didn't love her, he just liked the thrill of the chase. I know it is still serious but he can't continue things with her and still work with her without being fired. She could have found another job at anytime and then they could have been together but he chose to tell her he was done with her and that he was working on his marriage. I have talked to her several times since the also.
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