Ok so I've posted a couple of times here about my marriage. My husband of 6 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on sept. 26 of this year. I was shocked, begged for a chance and for him to really try. He said he liked flirting with other women and didn't find me attractive but not sure if he wanted a divorce. He said he would try. A couple of weeks later I started getting a gut feeling there was someone else. He of course denied it. I guilted him into admitting he talked to a 26 year old female co worker but it was innocent. I didn't believe him but had no proof so I told him he needed to choose between talking with her and being with me. He chose being with me. Fast forward to a week ago. I found the secret cell phone. Many texts about how hot he thought she was and just give him time and he will divorce me etc. when confronted he was very remorseful said he didn't love her, he just wanted to screw her. Long story short he says he feels like he owes it to the kids and me to give us a real try. The catch is she still works with him. He ended things with her and management knows about it and told them both that if it continued she would be fired on the spot. From reading the texts I got the impression that he was more into it than her, that she more or less just liked the attention and control she had. My question is has anyone heard of people involved in something like this continuing to work together platonically? He says he can handle it.
And how much 'time' does it take to walk into your boss's office and tell him the truth? Months and months of preparation? Years?
Blue, you're not new here. You know better: watch his ACTIONS, not his words. His ACTIONS are all about shutting you down, shutting you up, and continuing to live the way HE wants.
I am feeling a lot stronger these days. I feel myself detaching and that scares me. I spoke to an attorney who told me that my biggest hurdle will be keeping the house because I am a stay at home mom. It's all scary, but he has me feeling really guilty for demanding that he do something quickly. He moved out for a week but now says that he won't leave the house because of parenting time. I feel like if we separate I might as well file. I am going to distance myself from him as much as I can this weekend and next week demand that he has a meeting with his manager and set things straight. I can't do it tonight as he is on call and wo to be home until late and I honestly want to give him a break. He has been working 14 hours a day the past two weeks straight. I feel like I need to give him sometime to rest. Posted via Mobile Device
I am looking at his actions. When we decide that I will go file he says that it isn't what he wants and let's give it more time. Why doesn't he just agree to file? It's all so confusing. You think when he comes home tonight I demand that he meet with his manager tomorrow?
This is all so hard. I wish I could hate him. That would make all of this so much easier. I am just so scared of having regrets. Posted via Mobile Device
You already have regrets. A bucketful. He has kept you on this string for a very long time. And he is a cake-eater. You act helpless to decide your own future and he takes advantage of that. What's the worst that could happen if you file? Nobody will die. The sun will still come up in the morning. If you just stop spinning your wheels because you are afraid, you might see that these choices have always been yours. Always.
I know. I went through a divorce with three kids involved. I still to this day regret not trying harder with my first marriage. I want to be sure that I've done everything I can to save this one before I end things. It's just taken me a lot longer. I keep thinking "if only this, if only that" and I'm not facing reality. He came home from work late tonight because of surgeries. I usually watch tv with him and talk about our days. I told him I was going to lay down instead. He asked what wAs wrong and I told him just the same thing that has been wrong for the past year. He was annoyed again. Just wish he could feel what I've been feeling for just one day. Then he would understand. Within a few days I will know what to do. Posted via Mobile Device
I have read your story from beginning to end. I am very sorry you are going through this.
Blue... I also fought very hard for my marriage. My husband was involved in EA (I didn't know what it was). He always said they were just friends, I was naïve and stupid.
My marriage was over for a long time. My husband acted much like yours, but I never wanted to be divorce and wanted to fight for my marriage.
We have been separated for a while, fast forward to now, he has admitted he never actually loved me. He didn't/doesn't like the way I am. He is over me. He has also said that "ne9907 you need to move on, I have and I am much happier now".
Now, after all the fighting I did to keep our marriage he views me with pity and he has no respect for me.
Divorce is a scary thing, but I see so many similarities between your husband and stbxh, the way you are fighting so hard to keep your marriage (just like I did) that I am afraid your husband will end feeling you are worthless because you have let him be his doormat.
Please take care of yourself, and I really do hope you two can make it.
Good luck
Thank you all for your posts. I again said something about him making it clear to his manager that she needed to go. He said that he thought he had. I want a concrete plan in place. He said he is doing the best he can. He wants to have her removed he just isn't doing it the way I want him too. Said what do you expect from me? I am extremely busy and you want me to struggle through that with even less help. He then said I needed to get a job or something to I would stop obsessing about it. (I stay at home) Posted via Mobile Device
I would love to get a job. I fear it will cause more issues. I have 5 kids all in a sport of some kind. My H job is very demanding, he does nothing when it comes to the household stuff or carting the kids around. If I got a job I would need to do the job, plus everything I do now. I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is. Plus my H has made a comment before about my getting a job. He said well you'll have this job that barely pays anything. I make in a couple of hours what would take you working all week. What if one of the kids got sick? Would you expect me to rake time off so you wouldn't get fired? I know I sound weak and like I have no backbone. I am getting stronger day by day. I am looking at getting a job to work from home. I am helping at my children's school 2 days a week. It has all helped. He's just not used to me putting my foot down like this. I feel like I would like to give him a chance to prove that he wants her gone. What's a few weeks? I'm not worried about them being together. If they are, a few weeks wouldn't change that. If he has been deceiving me this whole time then we would be divorcing anyway. I can talk about divorce without getting emotional now. That is a big change for me. I know I can do it. If he doesn't get things moving with regards to her, then I will be able to leave knowing I did everything I could. Posted via Mobile Device
Some people are forceful and 'boom,' make things happen. Others take small steps to get where they need to go. It takes no less courage to take the small steps.
You will get there. We may be a bit impatient because we think he has mistreated you, but you're getting there and we see it.
Set your timetable to have her gone. If he has done his standard hemming and hawing about it & she is still there, then file for the divorce. That can be the last little step that makes a big, big positive difference in your life.
(P.S. - My mother had 5 children and a career. She was always exhausted. Her marriage was of her era, which meant that my father did nothing in the household. She did everything. If my father had done what your WH is doing, she would have pushed him out the door long ago. Life can be hard and enervating, but we rise to the challenge.)
It has been a long time since I have updated. Well after 2 years of limbo I filed for divorce. He couldn't commit to our marriage. I filed in May. I started dating right away. I realize that is t the smartest thing to do but I needed a change of scenery. I met this great guy. I am close to introducing him to the kids so I tell my stbx that I am seeing someone. He flips out, first angry then after a couple of days says that he had a plan all along to destroy our marriage and start fresh. That he never really thought we would be apart. That he wants another chance. He wants me to be the center of his world and he will spend the rest of our lives proving to me that he loves me and trusts me. I agreed to go to dinner with him. During dinner I felt repulsed by him. I didn't want him to touch me. I told him we can't try again. He started sobbing saying how much he wants this and can't I just try. I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Can I come back from the hurt and devastation? I was just starting to feel good and now this. I am at a loss. Any advice appreciated. Btw I am the same person as blueeyes78 Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think he's a bad guy. I feel like he is being sincere. I just can't see myself happy with him again. I am struggling with the what if I could get feelings back with time. Deep down I feel I would be doing it for the kids and financial stability. How can a person be sure? Posted via Mobile Device
He had the opportunity to make things right and he blew it. He hasn't learned anything, you can see that by his reactions ... it's all about him! Time to think about you and your kids. There is someone out there better for you.
I would not take him back. No way, no how. I like quotes and poetry... so here are a couple for you:
Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. --Coco Chanel
THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK -- By Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
I would never take him back. Hon, he's shown youwho he is, you need to believe him. He's panicking right now because he's realizing that he's losing plan B (you). If he gave a sh!t about you he had plenty of opportunity to show it, he just thought you weren't going anywhere. You will get more of the same. Posted via Mobile Device
Deep down I have felt that I shouldn't give him another chance. He is just so convincing by what he says. He is saying everything I've wanted him to say. I hate that he is making me doubt myself after I was feeling so sure about things. Posted via Mobile Device
Your response:
"I'm going to date for the next 12 months. You're welcome to date me, too, if you want. You can prove to me that you really want me, that you've learned, that you can go 12 months without seeing another woman. If that happens, then I'll consider in August 2015 whether I want to get serious with you again. If I haven't found someone else by then."
Of course he's saying what you want to hear, that's what manipulators do. You will go back to being plan B, and he can't make you feel bad unless you buy his bullsh!t and let him. Posted via Mobile Device
Let me take the opportunity to remind you of some poignant moments from the last two years of your life - all at the hands of the man who now claims to want you back:
He is not in love with you
He wants to screw another woman
He does not find you attractive
He has lied on various levels (secret cell phone, he wanted to try, he wasn’t talking to her…)
Made you feel like he would divorce you before having her fired
He text the OW saying it was not a matter of “if” but “when” he would divorce you
The EA only ended when the OW freaked out and threw him under the bus
He is likely a sex addict
He said he finds “everything you do annoying”
He is not very helpful with the kids
He does not make an effort to plan alone time with you
Playful, continued correspondence between him and the OW
Said that he doesn’t want to be with you / in the family home
Played with your emotions - divorce one day, back together the next
Every time you have agreed to try and work it out, give it another shot, etc. he has crapped all over your offering. And now as the divorce date nears, he realizes he has lost you. And what a crappy feeling to not be wanted - not by either of the women! He played both of you to feed his own ego, and now that you have stopped playing his childish games he is throwing a fit. But that is no longer your problem, is it? Because you deserve much more than anything he could offer you at this point in your tainted relationship. He said all of the things above to tear you down and make you weak, but before he could do that you demanded more. And you will get it, as long as you move FORWARD, not BACKWARDS.
Have you ever heard that saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." ??
Keep walking. Don't fall in the black hole that is your STBXH is... Your happiness awaits.
Cris7, if you look at this in a context (as per the quoted bit below, I'd only add you are seeing a good guy now which was the only trigger for your X) - things look very clear, if you employ your brain, not heart. You probably want your kids not to be part of multi year drama as well.
Thank you all for the amazing advice. That is what my gut told me too. He declared how he would do anything to earn back my trust. He later tells me some things that he has lied to me about, including approaching the OW after he moved out to talk about what happened because he needed closure. He bought another secret phone because he could get fired if he contacted her outside of work. The OW did not make contact. My darling stbxh then proceeded to give her two letters weeks apart basically begging her to talk to him saying he didn't want a relationship just to talk. She never took him up on it and he has since thrown the phone away. Since his declarations he has stopped contact with a female friend that he knew I had a problem with. He also is having both of his current MA's transferred because he has shared too much personal info with them. I have friends that work there and they can confirm it. He keeps swearing that he has had an awakening and that he now realizes what love is and how much he wants his family back. Is this common behavior? He is doing all of this with no promise from me that I will give him another chance. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry about your situation. Concerning your response to stbx: You can either believe what his behavior the last few years has shown you or you can believe his recent words. You can't believe in both, they are mutually exclusive because people just don't have it in them, except for very rare occasions, to change as much as stbx is portraying to you.
My limited life experience has convinced me that cheaters who cheat in one episode/confession do have the ability to repent and put it behind them and become decent people.
On the other hand I am convinced that cheaters who cheat then confess but then cheat again, aka. serial cheaters, lose the ability to change. I'm sure there are exceptions but I think there are not enough to take a chance on.
I hope for your sake you'll put this guy in your past. Good luck.
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