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Husband EA with co worker, what to do?

46K views 272 replies 32 participants last post by  Blue_eyes78 
#1 ·
Ok so I've posted a couple of times here about my marriage. My husband of 6 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech on sept. 26 of this year. I was shocked, begged for a chance and for him to really try. He said he liked flirting with other women and didn't find me attractive but not sure if he wanted a divorce. He said he would try. A couple of weeks later I started getting a gut feeling there was someone else. He of course denied it. I guilted him into admitting he talked to a 26 year old female co worker but it was innocent. I didn't believe him but had no proof so I told him he needed to choose between talking with her and being with me. He chose being with me. Fast forward to a week ago. I found the secret cell phone. Many texts about how hot he thought she was and just give him time and he will divorce me etc. when confronted he was very remorseful said he didn't love her, he just wanted to screw her. Long story short he says he feels like he owes it to the kids and me to give us a real try. The catch is she still works with him. He ended things with her and management knows about it and told them both that if it continued she would be fired on the spot. From reading the texts I got the impression that he was more into it than her, that she more or less just liked the attention and control she had. My question is has anyone heard of people involved in something like this continuing to work together platonically? He says he can handle it.
 
#2 ·
NO he CANT. NO he CANT. NO he CANT!!!!!!!!! Please take my word for this if you do NOTHING else- HE CANT Handle IT! He will keep going back and if not her then someone else until you get to the bottom of 'why'? But for now he needs NC- immediately. Transfer to another dept. whatever. My H had to leave his job to get NC. It was the ONLY way to pull him out of his "feelings" for her. This is not acceptable. It wont work.

You are expected to just smile and pack his lunch and send him off to HER everyday???? Is that his plan??? Business as usual?
 
#4 ·
Start reading forum threads. You will find that proximity of an OW or OM prevents reconciliation.

Here is how to understand it:

--he is obsessed with her

--he is sexually attracted to her and infatuated with her

--he has spent a lot of time and effort to court her

--he took the trouble to buy a secret cell, for goodness' sake

He gets a hormonal reward "hit" in the brain from any interaction with her. That includes calling her, messaging her, texting her, whatever communication form he was using. But it also includes SEEING HER without saying a word.

Hitting on her became an escapist fantasy for him--highly, highly addictive. Not technically physically addictive, but an extremely bad habit--a compulsion. Compulsions (like shoppaholism, gambling) involve a hormonal / dopamine reward circuit that can actually be measured in the brain physiologically--since taking an interest with her you can actually measure the difference in his brain (if you had a baseline view of his brain from before his attachment).

Worse still, you have evidence that this relationship may have been largely one-sided. One-sided obsessions are extremely tough to crack. In other words, if it's true it never went physical, she's 'the one who got away.' His ruminating and obsessing over her is a way for him to forget, temporarily, that's he's married, tied down, committed to one person, middle-aged, must work to pay the bills, etc., all of that stuff that causes anxiety, stress, and depression.

Some people turn to alcohol; he turned to this co-worker. This isn't just a switch that he flips because you found the phone and his boss is watching. I know it's an enormous thing to ask, but I would not risk my marriage over his keeping that job.
 
#5 ·
Start reading forum threads. You will find that proximity of an OW or OM prevents reconciliation.

Here is how to understand it:

--he is obsessed with her--he is sexually attracted to her and infatuated with her
--he has spent a lot of time and effort to court her

--he took the trouble to buy a secret cell, for goodness' sake

He gets a hormonal reward "hit" in the brain from any interaction with her. That includes calling her, messaging her, texting her, whatever communication form he was using. But it also includes SEEING HER without saying a word.

Hitting on her became an escapist fantasy for him--highly, highly addictive. Not technically physically addictive, but an extremely bad habit--a compulsion. Compulsions (like shoppaholism, gambling) involve a hormonal / dopamine reward circuit that can actually be measured in the brain physiologically--since taking an interest with her you can actually measure the difference in his brain (if you had a baseline view of his brain from before his attachment).

Worse still, you have evidence that this relationship may have been largely one-sided. One-sided obsessions are extremely tough to crack. In other words, if it's true it never went physical, she's 'the one who got away.' His ruminating and obsessing over her is a way for him to forget, temporarily, that's he's married, tied down, committed to one person, middle-aged, must work to pay the bills, etc., all of that stuff that causes anxiety, stress, and depression.

Some people turn to alcohol; he turned to this co-worker. This isn't just a switch that he flips because you found the phone and his boss is watching. I know it's an enormous thing to ask, but I would not risk my marriage over his keeping that job.
I had to answer THIS very question. No way was I ever A) gonna get the full truth B) was he ever going to even start detaching significantly enough for R- As long as there is ANY ANY kind of interaction. That means as little as "hello" in the hall each morning. SHe will never leave his head while there is proximity to her. Never. Take it from someone who has lived THIS very scenerio. He has to leave that job or she does. The longer this goes on the less likely it is to end in your favor.
 
#6 ·
I felt that she should leave the position as well. He is a doctor and she is one of his assistants. He pretty much told me that if he wanted her gone she would be, but that he would resent me for making him do that and going without help until they find a replacement for her. His office manager doesn't want to get HR involved because it would be messy. Part of me wondered if I should contact HR annonomously. I just don't know what to do.
 
#9 ·
I felt that she should leave the position as well. He is a doctor and she is one of his assistants. He pretty much told me that if he wanted her gone she would be, but that he would resent me for making him do that and going without help until they find a replacement for her. His office manager doesn't want to get HR involved because it would be messy. Part of me wondered if I should contact HR annonomously. I just don't know what to do.
That's because this situation is almost by definition sexual harrassment.

Did you know that the other assistants can sue for sexual harrassment in this case? Most people think sexual harrassment is something only the subordinate can sue over (i.e., Monica Lewinsky) but the truth is, that the OTHER subordinates can sue on the basis of a "hostile work environment." That's because it's hard NOT to show favoritism (in terms of job perks and favors) to the assistant who is getting sexual attention. Even something like getting extra breaks, long lunches, permission to leave early, etc. all amounts to favoring that assistant over the others--hence their ability to bring a lawsuit on that basis.

Your husband is mighty arrogant to pick this particular woman to have an emotional affair over. Does that arrogance translate into other aspects of your relationship?
 
#7 ·
Here's a question for you--did your husband tell HR about the secret cell phone? If I were HR, I'd be mighty, mighty concerned about this assistant's ability to sue for sexual harrassment. YOU should be concerned about this too, and this is an excellent reason for telling your husband he should quit. (There is no question of her quitting--the company would have a lawsuit on its hands that very second.)

------------------------------------

Cris7, I hope you don't mind, but I'm linking your other threads in the forum and quoting the most relevant posts so people have the full picture.

(the link below goes to page 2 of that thread, where she discovered the EA)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/59173-help-2.html#post1177376

Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!
Ok I have more to add. I have a friend that works in the same office as my husband and his assistant. She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on. She also said that yesterday my husband was distant towards her like he said he would be. My friend is going to keep an eye on things for me. I am also getting the assistants cell number so I can check our phone bill to see if he contacts her outside of work. My gut is telling me that this was just flirting that was going down a path of something more, but my husband admitted it to me and agrees it was wrong and that he will stop. He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark. He tells me he loves me. Am I silly to think we have a chance? My game plan as of now is to just be the best mom and wife I can be to show him how good things can be.
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http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-says-no-passion-desire-me-but-great-sex.html

Ok so my husband told me recently that he has lost a spark for me and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. He says that he doesn't feel a desire or spark for me. We are working on things. The confusing thing is ever since he told me how he felt our sex has been great. He is very passionate and the frequency has increased. When I asked him about it he said that he would think about other women and direct the passion towards me. I can believe that to a point, but it has been going on for a month and a half now. He makes eye contact with me and caresses my face and body. I want to know from the guys out there, is it likely that he isn't feeling any desire for me? Can men really fake passion like that? Or is he still feeling a little something for me?
Some background information. I suffered depression after our youngest was born and wasn't the most supportive wife. I was sad most of the time and just didn't enjoy life. I did the bare minimum while my husband worked very hard. It's went on for 3 years. He says he feels that his love was just chipped away during that time and he's not sure how to get it back. He recently turned 39 and he lost a very good friend to suicide. He said that made him look at his life and wonder if he wants to spend the other half of it unhappy. I came out of my depression a couple of weeks before he told me all of this. I feel wonderful. So much more energy. I've lost 25 lbs and am taking much better care of myself. His eyes started wandering and he has started flirting but has said he will stop to try and make it work with me
Deep down I think he wants it to work with me. The way I see it, why would he tell me all of these things if he didn't want to get things out in the open. He also has told me that he started talking to a much younger co-worker very casually about relationship issues she had and then he would say things like he understood. He says he's leaning towards a divorce, but he doesn't know. I really feel like he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to be the best I can be for now and hope that he comes around. I'm certainly not going to pressure him at this point.
 
#12 ·
I'd start by bringing up the sexual harrassment issue. The fact that this particular assistant isn't the only one with the ability to sue; that the other assistants would also have the ability to sue based on a hostile work environment. Urge him to quit on the basis that this would be hanging over his head at that particular place if he stays. The other shoe would always be able to drop. What do you think he would say to that?
 
#11 ·
YOU shouldnt have to handle it..the hell with "He says he can handle it"...its about YOU!!



CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten,or have to see this person at work. it is time to break those ties. Do what you must to avoid any contact. Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the MOST IMPORTANT to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once....ever
 
#13 ·
He has always been a workaholic, but I wouldn't say arrogant. I think he is going through some sort of midlife crisis at this point and that the younger girl was an ego boost. His logic was that now that they have the threat of her being fired over their heads that he is not going to pursue her anymore and she hasn't been the aggressor so he doesn't feel like she would do anything. He kind of plays it off like it wasn't about her as a person, he just wanted to screw her. I feel like this a cross road and I don't want to do anything to push him away. I know it sounds crazy with what he is putting me through, but I love him and I don't want to have regret.
 
#218 ·
Cris, you wrote this almost a year ago. What has he done to prove the contrary? Honestly, he's been stringing you along by his own inaction. What has he been doing to prove to you that he wants YOU first and only you? Is he doing any hard work to prove his love to you? It's likely she was the source way back when of his saying "ILYBINILWY" -- and then that changed? He was in the basement, then he was back in your room. Things seemed to be better. Your sex life was good. But there's still the problem of the OW still working there. I can't imagine the torture for you--oh wait, I can! Because my husband worked with his OW from DDay Feb 29th 2012 until December of the same year when she left to work from home and be a sort-of SAHM (but there's always the possibility she can still pop in). Thankfully her last "pop-up" was ages ago but our agreement is he calls me immediately and avoids her at all costs. (I have verification from a friend in the office.)

There is no way that your situation can get better until they aren't working together. My husband's real connection to me returned after she left and he has had to miss many work events where she has "popped up" because someone in the office invited her. Such is the price.

You have been ENORMOUSLY generous with him. Giving him this month. Please, please do not let him off the hook if she isn't gone in 3 weeks. Take the ring off your finger, meet with a lawyer. Let him know you mean business. There have been no consequences. I'm hoping his work place is still aware?

Have you ever exposed her to her family?

Praying for you.
 
#19 ·
Turnera, I completely understand your points. That is part of the reason I haven't demanded anything from him when it comes to this OW. Just before the "speech" I got over my depression. Since the speech I have lost 30 lbs and have been very affectionate towards my H. I didn't know he was unhappy and now that I do I am trying to fix it. I can say that I feel really good about how I have been behaving towards him. I just don't know how to deal with him working with her.
 
#20 ·
You don't. You tell him it has to stop. There are certain times when either spouse has the right to put their foot down, for the protection of the marriage. This is one of them.

They WON'T stop cheating if they continue to work together. Every day is a new hit of the drug. You need to man up and say 'I won't stay married if you won't get rid of her.'
 
#21 · (Edited)
Ok the first thing I have got to say here.... It is not your fault that he has a whatever crisis or he woke up and now he thinks he is God and can pursue or screw whatever assistant he has. I do not understand why people complicate their life having affairs when clearly they can not handle one relationship, why jump into a second one? Worse, why pee the water you drink? I can not understand what are they thinking when they have affairs at work.

Please do not feel like I have no clue, my stbxh had his thing at work also with a co-worker that I knew and warned him she was after him. It was fun for him until he was discovered and he had no family, no kid and no house to go to. I am not the strongest person ever but the truth is if you confront them and they do not understand that they have to crawl for forgiveness, then you really need to push them to the curve, nothing else will wake them up. You cannot tip toe yourself around this. I am not the expert in relationships or affairs but the one thing I do know is that people who have affairs do it and continue them because they can and are allowed to, nothing stops them and there are no consequences. They have to see what their actions lead to. If worse comes to show, he will have responsibilities to account for and whatever law suit may come his way... he asked for it when he decided to go and pee his drinking water!

You may feel depressed and a lot of things, it is perfectly normal but never show him, the truth is you need to grab on to the power, as long as he has it things will be about him and not about you, the real victim.
 
#22 ·
Ok so I've been thinking about it. What about if I built some goodwill first. Make things really good here throughout the holidays and the afterwards see how things stand with him and the OW. I know him seeing her brings it all back, but if I demand that she leave wouldn't he just think about her more? Maybe even feel guilty about it and blame me, pulling away from me and running to her rescue? I don't want to seem like a weak woman here. I know what I want and what I deserve. I just want to play my cards right. I have given him numerous opportunities to leave, yet he stays. I know he still has some feelings for me. Maybe if I show him how good it can be with me he will just naturally pull away from her? I don't know. I just don't want to push him too fast. It's only been a week since he was caught and they weren't even texting more than a month. Still wrong is wrong. Thank you all for your advice.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Cris, if you read enough threads here you'll learn you can't "nice" them out of the affair. After my first confrontation with my husband I tried to make everything all sunny upbeat and happy. It didn't do it....he continued on. Didn't cut it off, control it, bring things back to normal, all the stuff he said he'd do....He encouraged it even more via email... There are a million posts on here with similar stories.

If you want to work on yourself and make yourself the wonderful, fabulous person you're rediscovering and choosing when to expose, when it's good for you, then so be it...but not because you want him to recognize what he's been missing. (He would already be there.) If you need to have peaceful holidays then choose your time in the New Year, BUT realize that this could also give more time for them to intensify the emotional bond and for him to pour on the sauce even more. Believe me, this kind of thing often fuels the fire, unfortunately.

Are you reading any of the great books recommended here yet? Please, if anything pick up "Not Just Friends" -- it'll help you understand how these things develop.

I'm sooo sorry you're dealing with this.
 
#23 ·
Cris, she's gotta go. My father was a physician and had an affair with a nurse in his practice when we were very young. My Mom (having already been through a first marriage with a cheating husband) didn't stand for it -- and confronted it head on. Everyone in the office knew. My father chose my Mom and his family but it was NOT easy and for the longest time he made it out like my Mom was overreacting and it wasn't as much of an affair as she was painting it to be. Different times back then -- he finally fessed up years later.

But that affair scenario was SO common in the day. As I understand it -- the whole Doctor/nurse/assistant thing still is.... These people work very close together under sometimes stressful circumstances where there's opportunity to bond over somewhat emotional situations . It's also an opportunity for your husband to have his ego stroked and to be the "hero". Though he may be the aggressor, and I have no doubt he is -- if she weren't playing into it there would be no issue. In today's era he IS liable for a harrassment suit and earlier posts about this issue have very good points to bring up with him.

BE strong, be the best person you can be for yourself. Do not let him off the hook. And let him know about the consequences, the dangers of being slapped legally. It may not stop him but it certainly will take some of the fun out of it. The more exposure, the more reality to puncture the affair, whether EA or PA, the greater your chances for having the fog lift.
 
#26 ·
also, your plan allows for at least another month of daily contact. Cris, a month is affair land is a year in the "real" world easily. SOOOO much can and does happen in a month. THere are people on here who's spouse started an affair and wanted a divorce b/c they were so "in love" with AP in that amount of time. In a month my h sent over 1000 yes 1000 emails, hundreds and hundreds of personal conversations, who knows how many texts. Do you have ANY idea how much damage can be done in a month? One poster I can think of right off had a 7 week EA- two years later he is still putting the pieces back together. Glueing his wife together everytime a trigger hits. His heart is still sinking everytime he gets a call from an unrecognized number for fear of how far back that will set his R. TWO YEARS later. Dont let the sunset on this another day.
 
#29 ·
also, your plan allows for at least another month of daily contact. Cris, a month is affair land is a year in the "real" world easily. SOOOO much can and does happen in a month. THere are people on here who's spouse started an affair and wanted a divorce b/c they were so "in love" with AP in that amount of time. In a month my h sent over 1000 yes 1000 emails, hundreds and hundreds of personal conversations, who knows how many texts. Do you have ANY idea how much damage can be done in a month? One poster I can think of right off had a 7 week EA- two years later he is still putting the pieces back together. Glueing his wife together everytime a trigger hits. His heart is still sinking everytime he gets a call from an unrecognized number for fear of how far back that will set his R. TWO YEARS later. Dont let the sunset on this another day.[/QUOTE

This is TOTALLY TRUE! My WH talked to OW for 6 weeks online, spent 5 days with her and was going to throw 15 years of marriage and 2 daughters away just like that. Because I didn't step up and was afraid to do anything drastic and honestly ddn't know any better (before I found TAMS), he maintained contact with her for 3 more months under my nose after the first DD, only to result in 3 more DDs - all very painful.
 
#30 ·
Cris7--

Another thing I recommend: go to a lawyer. Find out what your rights are. Your husband has already threatened you with divorce at least once and has told you he was strongly leaning in that direction. So, find out what your rights are. Go to a lawyer and discuss your situation--custody (any kids?), property, alimony, etc.

You may never need this information, but having it will make a big difference to you: it will give you the ability to judge correctly what your situation would be if your husband suddenly changes course and divorces you. Right now, you are, for I'm sure understandable reasons, afraid of divorce. But some of that fear is fear of the unknown. So face that fear directly and gather all the information you can should the worst happen.

This will empower you to do what you need to do to protect your marriage, once you know your legal rights and the lay of the land.
 
#31 ·
I am so unbelievably sad right now. How did I get here? We have a counseling session on wed. Should I wait until then to bring it up? I am so terrified. We have two beautiful little boys 6,4 and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I have been through divorce once and know how damaging it is to the kids. I always swore I would never do that again. Deep down I don't want to give him an excuse to divorce me. If he's going to do it I want him to be man enough to decide. I don't want to hear "well you couldn't handle me working with her even though I was fine so you ultimately caused this".
 
#32 · (Edited)
NO. Ultimately HE caused this by breaking his vows. HE caused it by not doing enough to 'correct' his wrongdoing. HE caused it by not reengaging his w. HE caused it By not cutting any and ALL contact with a woman with whom he walked all over his marital boundaries. HE caused it and NEVER let him tell you otherwise. Reach down to those boot straps and pull yourself up. The only way to face a bully is head on.

And believe me if he divorces you over THIS- its what he was gonna do anyway. This is just an excuse to do it. I suspect he wont. He's just trying to bully his way into keeping his AP.
 
#33 · (Edited)
When you go to the counselor, ask if they are familiar with the research conducted by Dr Shirley Glass. She was a nationally recognized infidelity researcher. She wrote the book Not Just Friends--maybe you'll be able to get your H to read it. But knowing the book well is at least one way of determining whether you MC understands infidelity and the danger this woman continues to present to your marriage.

I hope you're also discussing this with an IC.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#34 ·
I am going to be the bad one, and offer you the perspective of the other woman. I am the other woman in my situation, with someone that is also a co-worker. We have tried a number of times to be friends or "just work together", and everyone is right... it doesn't seem to work. BY allowing them to continue contact you are inhibiting the possibility for reconciliation. My affair has been both PA and an EA... and the longest we have ever gone without breaking the NC agreement is a few days. If you are insistent on making it work, you need to put your foot down and make him see that you are worth giving her up for. I can tell you with certainty that the issue with my AP's wife is her ambivilance to what she wants to do, which only perpetuates the matter even further.
 
#38 · (Edited)
Do yourself a favor- remove yourself. Obviously he is not going to leave his wife for you and you are only causing her pain and misery and him as well. He is infatuated with you b/c you dont have to deal with real life with him. You can put on your best side and thats an escape for him from reality. Have more respect for yourself and get out of THEIR marriage, please. You are enticing because he hasnt seen you with diarrhea and puking your guts out with the flu, you havent washed his underwear, He hasnt had to pay bills with you and wipe snotty noses. You havent nagged him to take out the trash for the third time....and the list of reality goes on and on. Its easy to look so "perfect" when its all a facade, isnt it? Thanks for having the guts to post this now have the guts to move out of this trainwreck. Dont be the cause of his childrens misery when mommy and daddy dont love each other anymore.....

You deserve more and so does his wife.... If he wanted you for real you wouldnt be the OW.If you doubt that ask him to leave her and see..... Let me ask you, what is so enticing about a man who is clearly an unfaithful partner? do you think if YOU were the wife he wouldnt do the same damned thing to YOU?
 
#35 ·
I may have to think about posting my story, it may help some people out. I am just not ready, too much rage still!

Chris, being nice will only bring you humiliation, despair, pain and disrespect. Even if he were not a bully, him not seing the real consequences of his actions will only show him that he can get away with it and that he is in control. Believe me you do not want that, once that happens you lost your marriage, your husband and your family. See things for what they are: he screwed up and needs to make it right, no matter what and it should be ALL about you and your family!
It should be you thinking do I want to stsy here and him tip toing around things so he does not piss you off.
 
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