Married 20 years, separated three months
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-28-2012, 09:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married 20 years, separated three months

I have been posting in Going Through Divorce or Separation for about three months, but I finally decided that I guess I need to post here as well for some support.

I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. We have one child together. He cheated on me approximately 10 years ago, we went through counseling, and he swore that he would never hurt me in that way again. Surprise, he did.

He apparently began either an EA or PA with someone who works for him about 9 months ago. He started to distance himself from me, telling me that he wasn't sure he ever loved me, etc. I found a half used carton of lubricant in his drawer as well as other emails, notes, etc. that indicated that he was being unfaithful. He had explanations for all of it and denies it to this day.

We have been separated for three months and he just has moved on and wants nothing to do with me. He only texts or emails something to do with our son and never asks anything at all about me or makes any contact other than about our child. It's like a nightmare. I have lost my best friend as well as my husband.

I am trying to do the 180 as best I can. I just have so many good memories that I am trying to push aside because I know things are different now. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 20 years, separated three months

I am sorry you are here. I am not sure the 180 is going to work if you are seperated. I would just focus on your self at this point, keep your self healthy for your kid.

Are you or both of you in C at this point? Do you suspect he is in an A or you know that he is?
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 20 years, separated three months

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Originally Posted by specialplace View Post
I have been posting in Going Through Divorce or Separation for about three months, but I finally decided that I guess I need to post here as well for some support.

I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. We have one child together. He cheated on me approximately 10 years ago, we went through counseling, and he swore that he would never hurt me in that way again. Surprise, he did.

He apparently began either an EA or PA with someone who works for him about 9 months ago. He started to distance himself from me, telling me that he wasn't sure he ever loved me, etc. I found a half used carton of lubricant in his drawer as well as other emails, notes, etc. that indicated that he was being unfaithful. He had explanations for all of it and denies it to this day.

We have been separated for three months and he just has moved on and wants nothing to do with me. He only texts or emails something to do with our son and never asks anything at all about me or makes any contact other than about our child. It's like a nightmare. I have lost my best friend as well as my husband.

I am trying to do the 180 as best I can. I just have so many good memories that I am trying to push aside because I know things are different now. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
I am sorry you are here. I know the pain you are going through because I have felt it myself, as many others here have. At this point he isnt giving you the time of day because everything in his world is going the way he wants it. He's happily tangled in some EA/PA and life is good. Once it falls apart he will be running back to you where he has normalcy and stability.

My best suggestion to you is to make every effort possible to move on and find a happy place for yourself so that when his world falls apart and he comes back to you, you can tell him its too late!! I know its easier said than done but if you have been through this once before 10 years ago and now again you will always be paranoid and honestly, its no way to live. You deserve more. As hard as it may be you have to put one foot in front of the other and move on, find things that make you happy and most importantly dont let him see you hurting. Fake it if you have to!!
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 20 years, separated three months

I am in C, but he is not. I am fairly sure that he is in an A based on what I found and the fact that several of his co-workers have said that it was common knowledge at work that they were having an affair. I am certain that he will always deny it, though.
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Old 11-28-2012, 03:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 20 years, separated three months

Your story is really sad. 20 years! Don't beat yourself up for not moving on after a few months, there is so much you need to work out for yourself.

Did I just hear the cue for the male mid-life crisis? I think so. Position of power, known the person for many years, maybe younger than you, now he suddenly severed all contact with you... I'd work under the assumption of a PA. I'm sorry to say that.


His head is warped by 1) this person and 2) his other head. Maybe the fog will lift, maybe not - maybe he'll be a man and honor his marriage.

Do you have close friends you can lean on?
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