Found out my wife was having an affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-28-2012, 12:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Found out my wife was having an affair

Me (m30) found out my wife (f30) of 9 years was sending pictures to a guy, made out with him. : relationships

There is my post on reddit concerning this

But a quick rundown.

Two Saturday's ago, she was drunk, and he kissed her, they suppsoedly made out, then she pushed him off saying it was wrong.

This last week, we were out of town. And they texted back and forth a lot, and she said he asked for pictures from her.

She said she was confused but was seeking attention. She sent him a lot of pictures.

And they have been texting back and forth every sense, a lot of texts. Two nights ago, having my radar going off, I grabbed her phone and cornered her into telling me what was going on.

She wouldn't give any details till I had to basically interrogated them out of her. I felt like I didnt get an answer till I asked the question.

Basically, I was referred here from Reddit, I wanted to one, try and recover the text messages, she has an iphone 4s. And two, I want to get advice in here.

Just to be clear as well. I tried recovering from itunes, but she hasnt synced this last week.
Also, I'm not sure why I want to see the texts, but it feels like I need verification of everything she said, because its hard to believe anything she says right now. I mean, on one hand I believe her, but maybe I am being too trusting, and she is telling me what I want to hear.

Last edited by t666a4; 11-28-2012 at 01:17 PM.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Spybubble, webwatcher, phone sheriff, mobile-spy, stealth genie.


Once you have all the evidence you need demand that your wife cut off all contact with the OM, she must become completely transparent and open to you, passwords, accounts, phones, etc...

This is a start, but first you have to get the OM out of the picture and that means forever, no contact, zilch, zero, nada, no mas, nothing, no contact means no contact.

Good Luck
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"Knowledge is what you know, Wisdom is what you do with what you know..."

Last edited by DedicatedDad; 11-28-2012 at 12:56 PM.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Trust your gut , she lied to once she will lie to you again.

It will take some time but for now everything she says needs to be verified...thats just how it is.

The betrayal gives you every right to not trust her for now and it is her transparentcy and accountablity compined with hard proof that will confirm her words.

In short she has given you more then enough to not trust her...a consequences she now has to face for her actions.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Of course you want to believe her...she's your wife. However, that is the tough part - she wasn't acting like your wife in the least bit when she was "making out" with a guy. If you've read some of the threads around here, and I hate to be the one to say this, but "making out" is usually code for some kind of sexual activity whether oral or full blown sex.

Also, you need to understand some of the other language of infidelity. "He kissed her" usually means she wanted it just as badly but doesn't want to admit it - especially in a drunk state. "She pushed him off saying it was wrong" usually means they finished what they were doing and she felt guilty. Otherwise...she would not have afterwards sent so many texts and pics. Period.

As for needing to see the texts...well, you don't really need to see them. What you need is for your wife to tell you exactly what she said and what the pics exactly showed. I promise you this, man: Be prepared for her to trickle truth you to death on this stuff. Unless she truly feels remorse for what she did, and by your description that doesn't appear to be the case, then you may never get the truth...you'll get the "truth".
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Man, I feel for you. I started my post yesterday seeking help. I cannot say enough how helpful this site has been with advice and guidance.

It sucks that I ended up here as well as you, but I cannot say enough how much help and support I have gotten here. It has helped immensly.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by t666a4 View Post
She wouldn't give any details till I... out of her.
You might want to go back and edit or delete that line above (I shortened your quote) from your 1st post. It wouldn't be good for your wife to find it, and use it against you in court.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Problem number one: your wife is going out getting drunk without you. She's obviously going out to single places and getting drunk and meeting guys. That isn't something a married person should be doing.

Also they has sex. Two adults don't go kissy face together for too long before the clothes come off. It was at least oral sex or hand jobs.

The fact that she willingly took tons of nude photos and sent them to him shows that she has no problems at all being naked for him, that means she's been naked in person with him, and intended to be again,

As for you wife and the OM.

Contact with him is over for her forever.

You however need to find his wife and tell her. Do not warn your wife that you may of it. Just find her and tell her that your wife and her husband have been having an affair.

I actually suggest you do tell your wife's friends. They might already know because she's likely told some of them. She's likely trash talked about you to them, and your wife needs to be held accountable for her choice to cheat,

Also understand that your wife didn't stop her cheating willingly and she right now has no remorse. She got caught and her only interest right now s saving herself, protecting her OM, and if she can arrange it, eventually containing the affair.

You cannot trust her to tell you the truth about anything for a long time.

Expect that she will try to contact the OM again, either through another channel like FB or another phone.

Exocet that she will continue to deny sex.

Demand she takes a polygraph, they cost a couple hundred and are easy to find locally, do a google search for polygraph and your city.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Agree with Dig, Be aware of Trickle Truth. If it has gone as far a pictures, I assume nude sent over the internet she would have no issue with completing a PA.

You need to get answers and you need to understand the depth of this Affair. You are only in the first step.

As of right now your wife is not your wife she is a WS who is having an affair and has not stopped the Affair. You have only discovered it and now she is doing damage control.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by DedicatedDad View Post
Spybubble, webwatcher, phone sheriff, mobile-spy, stealth genie.


Once you have all the evidence you need demand that your wife cut off all contact with the OM, she must become completely transparent and open to you, passwords, accounts, phones, etc...

This is a start, but first you have to get the OM out of the picture and that means forever, no contact, zilch, zero, nada, no mas, nothing, no contact means no contact.

Good Luck

Any reccomendations on which software is better than others? I am going to probably want it for an Iphone 4/4s
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

It's very obvious you wife's pan is to sweep the while thing under the rug and move on.

Let me tell you what will happen if you do that.

1. The same reasons your wife chose to cheat will still exist unchanged.
2. She will learn from how you caught her and will be smarter next time.
3. She will view you as weak and not worthy of her respect or love. You need to hold her accountable and face consequences, including people knowing that she cheated.

4. She will cheat again.

I am not saying for you to humiliate or get vengeance on her. I sm however telling you that you must hod her accountable.

She must give you forever full access to her passwords. You can and will be able to see everything she is doing and saying. No secrets. Married couples should not have secrets from one another. Privacy is closing the door on the bathroom, not the freedom to have secret relationships that you spouse is excluded from.

She must take a polygraph.

She must go to counseling.

She must stop drinking without you there and she no longer gets to go out partying and going to bars without you.

She has to earn back the privilege of being your wife..

She must come clench to her friends with you present to hear it.she needs to take full ownership of her choice to chest and the consequences that come with it.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Your immediate goal is exposing to the OMW. That will get him to break off contact with your wife to save his own hide.

It will also get her to not want yo be with him because he will be dumping her hard.

It is also a great test to see if she is actually interested in trying to fix your marriage. If she is wanting to be loyal to you, he wont care that the OM is exposed and won't care that he dumps her.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Thanks for everything.

To clarify a few things.

We sat together yesterday morning, he texted her. And I asked her what she wanted to say, and we texted it, together back to him breaking it off.

I told her she is never ever to contact him again for any reason whatsoever.

One of her friends knows, and I kind of want to talk to her privately about it.

I also want to talk to him.

I'm scared though.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Scared of what? Finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes?! Dude, you need to snap out of this and simply hold your wife's feet to the fire on this. No one and I mean NO ONE is gonna have more answers than she. Also, there's no reason to talk to the other guy. What are ya gonna say? More importantly, do you honestly think HE would tell YOU the truth?! Forget it.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

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Originally Posted by t666a4 View Post
Thanks for everything.

To clarify a few things.

We sat together yesterday morning, he texted her. And I asked her what she wanted to say, and we texted it, together back to him breaking it off.

I told her she is never ever to contact him again for any reason whatsoever.

One of her friends knows, and I kind of want to talk to her privately about it.

I also want to talk to him.

I'm scared though.
Talk to the friend I wouldn't waste my time with him though you will look weak but get info from the friend or anyone else who was there.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:29 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out my wife was having an affair

Do not talk to him. It is a waste of time. He will lie and say anything to cover himself.

Do tell his wife. It's your very very best bet at truly ending the affair.

Go read the thread "I cheated" and see that it helped end that woman's cheating on her husband,
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