So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-30-2012, 11:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

Link to the original thread from the Considering Divorce section


We have had a rough marriage, I'm 32, she's 28. We got married very quickly, and things started getting rough just a few months after we got married. So many issues really, please read the link for full background.

We're entering therapy and there has been lots of talk of divorce recently. I've been pushing to save the marriage, and she was as well... until she was contacted by an ex BF of hers with whom she had a mostly long distance relationship, much of it through online chat and webcams, with some occasional meeting up for around 4 years. They were off and on exclusive, sometimes only friends, sometimes online lovers, sometimes exclusive. They had a falling out, stopped speaking for around a year (I think) before she and I met and haven't spoken since. Suddenly she's contacted by him (she says), and she tells me she wants to be friends with him again. I say this is a bad idea, she says it will be simply platonic.

I get suspicious, check up on her, and find out it is obviously inappropriate and sexual in some ways, and definitely an EA (like, textbook definition).

I ask her to quit, she denies it's an EA. I show her the evidence, she's angry, says that's a violation of trust, still denies it's an EA but admits she crossed a line, then promises that that line will never be crossed again. She says things like "I can't give him up, I just got him back". Admits she has feelings of love for him but "just as a friend". When pressured to cut off contact with the other man, she responds with "our marriage is probably too broken to fix, I'm not cutting off my best friend over this"

She's been in contact with him for maybe...2-3 weeks.

I talk to our therapist and she says that she needs to be told to cut off contact immediately. I relay this to my wife, she says she needs this relationship, will not give it up, and would rather get divorced than give it up.

She has her first individual session with the therapist next Wednesday, then we have a couples session the following Tuesday.

I'm finding it terribly hard to let this go on, but if I pressure at all she just threatens divorce.

When I said "it's either me or him" she told me I wasn't permitted to offer ultimatums, and that she wasn't cheating. I said I wasn't willing to live in the same house where this was going on and suggested I go elsewhere until she quits. Effectively she said that she would never quit and I would be ending the relationship by leaving.

When I asked for concessions like her not talking to him until therapy she said she wasn't talking that much any way, but then admitted to talking at work so I wouldn't see her at home.
I said, please just no online cam with him and her response was "But how will I see him? I need to see him"

This man lives overseas, in the military, is never probably coming back to the US, at least not for something like another 12 years. Even the transcripts of their conversation show he has zero interest in returning to the US, but offered to meet her in London if she ended our marriage.

Lots more info at the link, I'm not going to retype it all, it's just too much.

Help?!
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

She's choosing him over you and your marriage. What more do you need to know? And setting boundaries and then not enforcing them is worse than not setting them in the first place. It teaches her that you're weak and need her more than she needs you.

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Old 11-30-2012, 11:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

She really doesn't care about you or what you think or how this affects you. You're trying to get her to end her "friendship" but she refuses. There's only one option left. End the marriage. If she wakes up, that's the only thing that will do it.
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

You aren't allowed to issue an ultimatum? Sounds like she has some big ba!!s, this one.

You have two choices now - tolerate her inappropriate behavior and total lack of respect for you or firmly stand your ground and show her you are not a man to be scr3wed with!

The first choice will earn you the following package: a long, drawn out saga of an EA likely followed by some sort of a PA and her eventually walking out on you. You will be a destroyed shell of a man at this point, with no self-respect and no self-worth.

The second choice will earn you a CHANCE at saving your marriage. If it doesn't snap her out of the fog and re-engage her in the marriage, you will still have restored your self-respect and self-confidence. But either way it allows you to avoid the drawn out misery of watching the woman you married turn into something else entirely while she slowly devours your soul and casts aside your carcass.

You know you are worth more than this. You know the way she is treating you is totally unacceptable. Demand more. Leave. Kick her out. File for divorce. Whatever you need to do Show her you ARE capable of issuing and delivering on ultimatums.

And chew on this. Why do you think she is soooooo eager to go back to this guy after they had a falling out? The man that pushed her away is the man that she can't possibly risk upsetting now. Food for thought my friend.
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

Before you completely give up on your marriage, I suggest that you read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.

If you do get the book, don't let her see it. Often the WS will look at comtempt at the BS if they know that the BS is working a plan to recover the marriage. So keep this to yourself.

It's a quick read and will give you good insight into the steps to go through to recover your marriage.

Basically as long as she refuses to give up her affair you cannot start the work to recover your marriage. But there are things you can do to influence her.
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
She's choosing him over you and your marriage. What more do you need to know? And setting boundaries and then not enforcing them is worse than not setting them in the first place. It teaches her that you're weak and need her more than she needs you.

C
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Just like a child, if you tell them you are going to spank them if they do something and they do it and you dont spank them...guess what....they will keep doing it! AND your idle threats wont deter them next time, not for a second.
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

Part of the problem is that I really lack the funds to move out at this point.
She has me by the balls.
I'm thinking of just letting it go until the couples therapy session in 11 days and addressing it with a therapist as a mediator. Is that something advisable since our ta lking about it on our own seems to just lead to threats of divorce?
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

You cant give ultimatum's be she can? WOW, read the newbie link here, read it take the time to digest it...learn it, live it.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

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Originally Posted by Indy_Cision View Post
Part of the problem is that I really lack the funds to move out at this point.
She has me by the balls.
Well reach into her purse and take them back, and clack them together in her face and say "there mine again and I'm not afraid to use them"

I'm thinking of just letting it go until the couples therapy session in 11 days and addressing it with a therapist as a mediator. Is that something advisable since our ta lking about it on our own seems to just lead to threats of divorce?
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Buddy she's testing you, seeing if you will stand up to her, you make a demand and you fall flat when she manages you right out of it and this makes you look weak in her eye's (see what I'm saying?) you can not and I repeat you CAN NOT nice them out of an affair (been there done that, it wont work), read here on TAM, read this thread

Caught my wife having an EA - how did I do?


also get this book, look over the web site to

http://www.shirleyglass.com/
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

This is textbook.

Your marraige has a terminal cancer. No if, and's or but's.

Your only choices....

Walk or play Hardball.

Hardball Disclaimer: If you don't have the stones to follow through the entire process, save yourself from that long, painful and incredibly difficult journey and opt for the walk option.
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

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Originally Posted by Indy_Cision View Post
Part of the problem is that I really lack the funds to move out at this point.

She has me by the balls.

I'm thinking of just letting it go until the couples therapy session in 11 days and addressing it with a therapist as a mediator. Is that something advisable since our ta lking about it on our own seems to just lead to threats of divorce?
DO you have the funds to pay the bills where you live by your self?
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

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Part of the problem is that I really lack the funds to move out at this point. She has me by the balls.
No, she doesn't. YOUR fear has you by the balls. You are engaged in a battle with someone who has an addiction, a very real and very powerful addiction. You have advantages. What she is going to do and say are very predictable. It will get very ugly, but you are the 'sober' one here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indy_Cision View Post
I'm thinking of just letting it go until the couples therapy session in 11 days and addressing it with a therapist as a mediator.
Read this again.... YOUR MARRAIGE HAS AN AGGRESIVE AND HIGHLY TERMINAL DISEASE. You do not 'let it go' for a few weeks. You take decisive action RIGHT NOW.
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

I can understand the financial piece. Most people would agree more money = a more comfortable lifestyle/living situation. Given what you have said is going on, would any amount of money make you feel comfortable? I suspect the answer is "no," so I would try not to focus on that. Granted I am 4-5 days into discovering my wife's EA so I am by far no expert.

The "Money" issue came up with my wife and I as well, and though I could survive fine on my own income, as a family if I forced her to quit it would be tough (hope that makes sense). But, I told her I would rather be looking at bankruptcy than how I am feeling right now. That shook the crap out of my wife as finances are always a stress point for me, saying that helped show her that for me, the situation truly was unacceptable and I would accept just about any other hell to not continue how I feel.

Sorry you are here and good luck.
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

Just glazed over your original thread (link) have you stopped drinking? what are you doing about your anger issues, grabbing her etc, even smacking her!! I also did not mention the incident where I slapped her once and I don't want to misrepresent the level of abuse on my end. Sorry I forgot that, just looking to fully disclose

You've grabbed her, slapped her and she's still with you..WOW
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:33 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: So many issues, plus now my wife refuses to quit having an EA

File a Petition for a Divorce ASAP.

She is using this threat to keep you in line, take this power away from her by doing it yourself so you have some control.

You are letting her manipulate you and in turn, you are enabling the affair by letting her control the situation. She knows you need to marriage more than her and she is using that to her advantage.

Whether you like it or not, this is going to end badly unless you take a stand and play hard ball. You are not going to nice her back and she isnít going to just give him up. If anything, the longer this goes on the more likely she is going to up and leave you for him. Beat her to the punch.

Sorry, I know this sucks but if you remain passive and let her make all the choices you will regret not taking action now.
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