Link to the original thread from the Considering Divorce section
We have had a rough marriage, I'm 32, she's 28. We got married very quickly, and things started getting rough just a few months after we got married. So many issues really, please read the link for full background.
We're entering therapy and there has been lots of talk of divorce recently. I've been pushing to save the marriage, and she was as well... until she was contacted by an ex BF of hers with whom she had a mostly long distance relationship, much of it through online chat and webcams, with some occasional meeting up for around 4 years. They were off and on exclusive, sometimes only friends, sometimes online lovers, sometimes exclusive. They had a falling out, stopped speaking for around a year (I think) before she and I met and haven't spoken since. Suddenly she's contacted by him (she says), and she tells me she wants to be friends with him again. I say this is a bad idea, she says it will be simply platonic.
I get suspicious, check up on her, and find out it is obviously inappropriate and sexual in some ways, and definitely an EA (like, textbook definition).
I ask her to quit, she denies it's an EA. I show her the evidence, she's angry, says that's a violation of trust, still denies it's an EA but admits she crossed a line, then promises that that line will never be crossed again. She says things like "I can't give him up, I just got him back". Admits she has feelings of love for him but "just as a friend". When pressured to cut off contact with the other man, she responds with "our marriage is probably too broken to fix, I'm not cutting off my best friend over this"
She's been in contact with him for maybe...2-3 weeks.
I talk to our therapist and she says that she needs to be told to cut off contact immediately. I relay this to my wife, she says she needs this relationship, will not give it up, and would rather get divorced than give it up.
She has her first individual session with the therapist next Wednesday, then we have a couples session the following Tuesday.
I'm finding it terribly hard to let this go on, but if I pressure at all she just threatens divorce.
When I said "it's either me or him" she told me I wasn't permitted to offer ultimatums, and that she wasn't cheating. I said I wasn't willing to live in the same house where this was going on and suggested I go elsewhere until she quits. Effectively she said that she would never quit and I would be ending the relationship by leaving.
When I asked for concessions like her not talking to him until therapy she said she wasn't talking that much any way, but then admitted to talking at work so I wouldn't see her at home.
I said, please just no online cam with him and her response was "But how will I see him? I need to see him"
This man lives overseas, in the military, is never probably coming back to the US, at least not for something like another 12 years. Even the transcripts of their conversation show he has zero interest in returning to the US, but offered to meet her in London if she ended our marriage.
Lots more info at the link, I'm not going to retype it all, it's just too much.