DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-30-2012, 06:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts).

I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.

Our kids are too young to understand what is going on. They think Daddy is being mean to Mommy, and I sobbed to them today that it's Mommy's fault that Daddy left and Mommy hurt him really bad but he loves them both more than anything in the world. I'm not sure if they didn't understand because I was crying so hard, or if they truly are just too young to grasp it. He is gone for days at a time for work quite often so it isn't new to them to be alone with Mommy for a while. I just want them to understand that I did this, and that Daddy isn't the bad guy just because he is angry at me.

He's embarrassed of the people I've told. I felt the need to expose my wrongdoing to save him from blame, but as a result, I've made a fool of him should he decide to take me back. "What kind of pu**y would take his wife back after she's been f****** 3 different men?" He said. So now he doesn't want to face any of those people because he will feel like the town idiot. I told my parents because they've dealt with my father's infidelity for years and my bad decisions are going to affect them too; I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again. (I don't have siblings)

I left a broken up message for his Mother to apologize to her for disgracing her son and her family. She called me back and I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. She only knows about the one. I asked my H if she knew everything and he said that if he had any chance of forgiving me he would have to lie to himself and everyone else for the rest of his life that it was just one man and not three. Should I call him again and ask if I'm supposed to lie to her to save him further embarrassment? I don't know what to do....

Meanwhile, he is continuing to stare at these messages and make them relationships in his mind, and actual sexual intercourse, among God knows what else. He is misconstruing some of the messages because he isn't saving the whole conversation and it seems like I was emotionally involved and screwing 3 guys rather than sending dirty pics and messages that in my mind were more along the lines of fantasy/porn/role playing... without my H's consent of course, and NO I am NOT saying it was OK, I am a cheater and I know everything I did was wrong. It's just that he's killing himself making it this bigger more devastating thing and I can't ask him to stop... I have no place. He's doing exactly what I did to justify what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. I made our marital issues and arguments all his fault and bigger in my mind than they actually were and used this sexting as an outlet to escape and seek attention and affirmations. If you've ever sexted someone as a means of cheating... it doesn't just start out of nowhere- it's a conversation, a how are you, how are things going in your marriage- that question is where all the trouble begins. BTW, You should NEVER tell someone of the opposite sex how things are in your marriage unless they are truly EFFING FANTASTIC and that is your final answer....
I never wanted a physical relationship with anyone, I just wanted to be heard, and attention and to feel wanted and needed so at the time, I had a "mad at my husband box" in my mind that I compartmentalized every bad thing and used it as means for needing an outlet. The outlet began (with 2 of the 3 OM) with that darn question- How are things in your marriage?
Anyhow I tried to explain to H that I've needed help for years, before I even met him, and have been bottling so much and have made poor decisions over the past year with these 3, and as a result that have ruined both of our lives.

I have my very first IC appointment on Monday- he won't go. Entirely up to him.

In the meantime, how do I get him to stop obsessing over the messages and practically trying to memorize them? He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years. I know it can't be healthy but I have no room to tell him he should do or not do anything. I don't can't bear to see (or know now that he's gone) that he is torturing himself intentionally. TIA...
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

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He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years.
That's wise of him. Quite obviously he had a mental picture of you. That mental image is now dead and he will replace it with another. Very likely one that is much closer to reality than the other one.
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

So...kinda hard to follow.

But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
Then he finds out it was 3?

Or you told him it was 3 guys?

And I assume it was all an EA with all 3 of them? Just with the usual sexting and passionate stuff that these things tend to develop?

Well, this is not good.
Because he is disconnecting.
When the BH stays in the house, and is upset, or showing any emotion at all, you have a chance.
When they leave the house, that is a bad sign. That tends to mean divorce.

Honestly, all you can do, is wait.
Wait for him to come home.
Apologize to him everyday. And be ready to hear every insult and a few new ones from him.
Don't bad mouth him to anyone.
Take responsibility.
And try to be as loving as you can.
And if he comes home, follow him around like a puppy dog.

But honestly, until he comes home and we get a better picture of his mental state, we can't really be sure what to tell you other than the usual advice we give.

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work?
How did you meet this OM?
Because you need to start transparency.
That means:
giving him all your passwords to everything if he doesn't have them already, and telling him everywhere you go.

If you work and you met the OM at work, you need to quit your job.

You need to show him that you are willing to cut out anything that he doesn't like to get him back.
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

You can't get him to do anything. He is in the process of absorbing everything to decipher if you are telling the truth about Non-PA. The only thing you can do is get the therapy you need and allow him the time and space to grieve, make his own decisions and maybe seek his own counseling, until he is ready to deal with it with you and your therapist. Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

If you are living in a small town, the more people who know or think they know what has been going on, the tougher it will be for him to not think everybody knew but him.
What you have done is submarine your marriage and it will be up to you to convince him of the limits your actions went. (if you can)
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

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Originally Posted by Juicer View Post
So...kinda hard to follow.

But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
Then he finds out it was 3?

Or you told him it was 3 guys?

And I assume it was all an EA with all 3 of them? Just with the usual sexting and passionate stuff that these things tend to develop?

Well, this is not good.
Because he is disconnecting.
When the BH stays in the house, and is upset, or showing any emotion at all, you have a chance.
When they leave the house, that is a bad sign. That tends to mean divorce.

Honestly, all you can do, is wait.
Wait for him to come home.
Apologize to him everyday. And be ready to hear every insult and a few new ones from him.
Don't bad mouth him to anyone.
Take responsibility.
And try to be as loving as you can.
And if he comes home, follow him around like a puppy dog.

But honestly, until he comes home and we get a better picture of his mental state, we can't really be sure what to tell you other than the usual advice we give.

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work?
How did you meet this OM?
Because you need to start transparency.
That means:
giving him all your passwords to everything if he doesn't have them already, and telling him everywhere you go.

If you work and you met the OM at work, you need to quit your job.

You need to show him that you are willing to cut out anything that he doesn't like to get him back.

I've told him about all three. So today was another DDay essentially. I gave him all passwords yesterday and have no contact with any of the three. Total transparency, yes.

I do work FT, but I don't have any issues with my work environment. Unless there is a happy hour- a work related happy hour has never been an issue, but I've quit drinking as of yesterday so that's the only change that will be required for my work.

Two of the OM I knew from my past, one I considered a friend. Until I told him yesterday that we were no longer friends and that my marriage is the most important thing in my world, even though I've known that OM longer than my H. Third OM was a 2 week sexting "fling" with a complete stranger I met from another country. NC with him either.

I followed him around like a puppy while he was in the house today but he can't look at me. I disgust him. His words.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

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Originally Posted by RightfulRiskTaker View Post
Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.
But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

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Originally Posted by Sk0625 View Post
But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him.
Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

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Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "
But then that will let her know there IS more and will prompt her to ask him for the rest of it, forcing him to admit to her that there were 3 and not one, which is exactly what he said today that he didn't want, if he wished to try to move forward. Which is what I'm hoping for...
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

I'll have to call him to ask... I just want to do whatever he wants me to do and honor him instead of continuing to humiliate him.

My oldest child (4) just told my mother that Daddy was really mean to Mommy today and that he made her cry and broke her bracelet. I tried telling her that it was OK and just because Daddy was mad doesn't mean he was being bad. I guess I can just tell them that Daddy is on vacation this weekend... I'm taking them to see him tomorrow.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

First let me tell you that I had EA/sexting affair myself so I know where you are.

Here are the answers in a greatly condensed format.

1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate.

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed.


To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

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Old 11-30-2012, 07:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

I would highly advise against telling any more lies, regardless of the motives.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

You lied on here too in your older post, right ? You lied about not lying too.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

You have a chance of fixing this thing. All is not lost..But you come across as a flake..he cannot trust you until there is a long term commitment from you. do you realize that?
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299 View Post
1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate.

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed.


To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

Sig.
Thank you Sig. I am totally on board with all of that. Doing it now, willingly. That's part of why I felt I needed to tell my parents and apologize to his mother. I own it. I did this. Regardless of any shortcomings that may have initiated my downfall- HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. I made this mess.
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