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When the OW will not go away

6K views 49 replies 25 participants last post by  Remains 
#1 ·
last weekend my H went hunting and the next morning he woke up sick, fever, chills, etc. anyway i had to go pick up our children from my mothers house and while i was waiting for them to get their things together i was looking on my FB and noticed he has posted that he was sick and wanted it to go away, when i started to write a comment there was a comment from a woman he works with asking if he had the flu, while typing my comment i got a phone call and was kicked off the site, so when i returned to his post not even 5 min later her comment was gone, that made me suspicous. so i looked up her profile and seen that she works with him, and it had her phone number listed in her contact info. i wrote it down and decided i needed to look into it more. i asked him when i got home who she was he told me it was just a woman at his work who was friends with his boss. the next day when i got to work i looked up our phone bill online, and there it was 68 phone calls between them this month alone. any where from 30 minutes to an hour and always on his commute to and from work. (he has an hour drive) so when i got home the next morning i checked it again, they had three more phone calls that morning before work, after he called me. i called him and asked if he would call and make sure i was up early because i had some things to do, of course he asked what it was and i wouldnt tell him. he kept on and on asking and i repeated everytime i just have some things to do you will find out later. i went to sleep (i work third shift) and a few hours later i woke up to him coming in our room, he had left work early, said he felt worse and was running a fever, so i went back to sleep and he woke me up at the time i requested. again he asked what i was going to do and i told him i couldnt do it now cause he was home. boy was he paranoid. i got out my computer and told him my phone was acting up and i was going to log on to the website to see if they had anything posted about it before i called into IT, (which was the truth but had other agendas in mind also) when i got logged on, i pulled up the troubleshooting page and found nothing which i told him, then i pulled up our usage page, i asked him who he was talking to so much in this certain town and read off the phone number, of course he told me it was his boss, lie #1, so i played it off and said they needed to pay our phone bill if he was going to use it for work all the time. from that moment on it was I love you baby and your the greatest wife, blah blah blah. later in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and said "dont ever leave me, im sorry for being an a$$hole" so i told him not to give me a reason to leave him and i wouldnt and asked when he had been an a$$, he said i had been acting wierd the last couple of days and thought it was because of him. going against my better judgement i told him i knew it wasnt his boss he was talking to and wanted to know why he lied to me and asked what was going on... gues what they are just friends, nothing is going on, he can talk to her about things he cant talk to me about, and he lied because he knew i knew who it was already. i didnt see the big S on my head but i guess he saw it cause he thought i was stupid. i did not blow up, i did not loose my cool, because we have been down this road before but last time i just forgave him, took his word it wouldnt happen again and now here we are again a year later. i let him say what he wanted, i listened, and then i didnt bring it back up. when something is important i have to write him a letter or send him an email so he will read it, see it, and understand it vs. me talking and him not hearing what i am saying. that night at work, on my lunch break, i wrote out his email, i told him that i was not a perfect wife but i deserved better, i told him to look at it from my view point and ask himself if it was me talking to another man that much would he see it as just a friendship, i said i was over it, and i wanted him to think about our marriage until this weekend and ask himself why he had to go to another woman for emotional support instead of coming to me, i then copied an article about EA's that i found on line and told him this weekend i wanted everything laid out on the table, the raw naked truth about everything and i would tell him then if i wanted to stay and work things out or if i was leaving. then i proceeded to send an email to her asking what was so important that my husband was exchaning 68 phone calls with her. (im sorry this is so long) that morning's phone call was so different, he knew i meant business because the D word has never been spoken in our marriage. he said he was sorry, he didnt know why he couldnt talk to me about things and that he did cross the line, i stopped him and said we would discuss everything this weekend. that morning she replied to my email saying they were just friends, they just vented to each other, her husbad cheated on her and she would never do that to anyone, and if i wanted to talk to her i could call her. fast forward to yesterday, my H came home and said we needed to talk, we went into our room to get away from the kids, he sat me down and said he couldnt wait until this weekend we needed to talk then, i have never seen my husband cry before yesterday, he told me he was so sorry, he did not see what he was doing as cheating until yesterday when he spoke to his dad (a rev.) he said he sent her an email saying their friendship was causing problems in his marriage and that he could not talk to her anymore, he told her the only contact they needed to have was to be work related but all emails needed to have his boss included on them, if it required a meeting someone else needed to be present, and nothing more. he showed me the email (which he had his boss included on) and her response which was im sorry to loose a friend but i understand. he said he wanted us to go to counseling because the kids and i were his world and he didnt want to loose us, he would do anything to keep our family together. i told him he didnt need to have any contact with her period outside of business related issues (which there is no way to avoid) and he agreed. He got on his fb account, deleted and blocked her, deleted her number from his phone, and said whatever it took he would do. do i believe him, yes, do i trust him, not on his life, and i havent decided if i am going to stay or not. but here is the kicker, tonight i get an email from the OW which read " i told you we were just friends nothing more. hacking his fb, deleting and blocking me served zero purpose other than to piss him off at you. all it did was show him that you dont trust what he sais or what he does. we work together. we are going to have contact, if for no other reason that for work related issues. fb is inconsequential. im sure you didnt want it, but there's my two cents." so that makes it obvious to me that this was in fact an EA because if after he told her he could not have anymore contact with her and he deleted her on his fb, a. why would that piss her off as much as it did and B. why would she think i did it. i did reply back to her, stating it was not me that deleted her, and so so much more, so after all of this, here is my question, i know this will not be the last of her, apparently their "friendship"/EA ment more to her than it did him or she wouldnt have a problem with this. i have thought about it and i am giving our marriage three months, counseling is a must, honesty is a must, faithfulness is always a must, and one just one mistake will end it all, so how do we get her to go away and leave us alone. i am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesnt work out, at least we can tell them we tried. but she has no dog in this race and needs to step aside. any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
 
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#7 ·
Strongly agree. This woman is psychotic, one who can't take a hint or let go...Does not know her "place", bold, daring. I can't imagine the life of hell your husband would eventually have with her if he indeed continues down that road with her. You should take the actions mentioned above or your husband needs to find another job asap. The restraining order is also a good idea. She needs to know she is an uninvited stranger in your marriage and she is "kicked out".
 
#10 ·
I am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesn't work out, at least we can tell them we tried.
Is this truly the only reason you're willing to try to save your marriage?

Regarding the OW, I would advise that you make no more personal contact with her, don't respond to anything she sends you.

You don't need to try to control some other woman's actions right now, you need to focus your energy on your husband; he's the only one who's accountable to you.

Ignore that woman.

T
 
#13 ·
If you use a VAR in his car, make sure you use heavy duty Velco (with adhesive backing) to secure the VAR to a hidden surface in the car.

You might also consider installing a keystroke tracker on the computer he uses.

I would not get his boss involved yet because him losing his job could seriously damage you and your children.

Find out who her husband is and his contact info. If she contacts you again, send all her emails to you and her phone call history to her husband.. make sure that she does not intercept them... find a way to do this... like send it to his work.

Hopefully her husband will help put a stop to her harrassing you. And perhaps she will be so busy trying to fix things with her husband that she will leave you two alone.
 
#16 ·
thanks for all the responses, I do believe my H thinks he see's a big "S" on my forehead and thinks im stupid (oh he will so find out differently soon) his text msgs have gone up dramatically over the past week, i got the letter from our phone company today to fill out to get the text report for his phone, i could be wrong but i dont think so. and there has been no further contact from her so not sure if he said something to her or what so we will see
 
#17 ·
When you ask does your H seem remorseful, I was going to say yes. And in fact I still would. He does seem remorseful. He has voluntarily gone to his father for advice...this is big imo. And he has voluntarily done much to amend for his stupidity.

But...people who have affairs are cowards. And I assume he is one too. As soon as I read what she said she wrote in her email, that is odd. Why would she make an assumption like that? Because it is not an assumption? Is that what your husband told her so he didn't have to make the awkward and difficult and 'mean' conversation that says 'I blocked you because I want nothing to do with you on that level'? This makes perfect sense, this slots all in to place. If he said that you did it, it makes it much easier. And that would explain her anger at you, no matter how unjustified it is. People in affairs don't put the H/W in a good light, they complain how unhappy they are and how it is the fault of the H/W. If he has been talking as much as you say, on a personal level, I would guess there was much talk of the state of his marriage also. And so telling her 'why' she is blocked would feed this picture.

I don't want to put a spanner in the works, or make you think something awful about your husband when he seems to be really making good positive effort and doing the right things, but it really is the only reason I could think that someone would say/do that, that she was fed that thought/idea. However, some people are just plain selfish and mean, and making this assumption, if she made the assumption, made it up in her own head, may well have been a reason for her to express her anger at you, because you are the reason she lost her friend. She made it up so it can fit her view of you and feed and justify her anger at you.

Did you tell your husband about the email? What was his reaction?
 
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#18 ·
I had the exact same thought...that he told her you did it to exonerate himself. There's more to this story....

But his self-exposure to his father IS a good thing. At first I thought it might have been their game plan to bring it underground but OWs reaction doesn't fit that scenario. Her reaction would explain him trying to keep himself in a "better" light with everyone.

VAR in the car!
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#21 ·
It's obvious that your husband told the OW that you hacked into his facebook account. Why else would she think that?

This affair may have gone underground because why would this woman feel okay contacting you for any reason.

She is not psychotic. She would not be able to hold a job long term if she were. She somehow got the idea she is allowed to be disrespectful towards you, and it likely came from your spouse.

Lying to her doesn't definitively mean he is still straying, but it is disrespectful to you and says that he feels obligated to please her.
 
#23 ·
I agree. My first thought exactly was that he told her you had him delete and block her. It was believable to her because he has already painted you as the problem in his relationship.

He sounds like a really good actor and is putting on quite the show for you. Which is really sad if it's true because it means that he is 1000% aware of what he is doing, has no remorse and in the event you stay with him he will do it over and over again.
 
#25 ·
I packed up my kids today and went to my sisters, I dropped them off with her and went back to the house so it would be just us when he got home. (I bought a couple of VAR's today and put them in a few ideal places also) i asked him if he has spoken with her of course he said no, i asked about texting her and also a no, and then i pretty much told him i was leaving so i could sort things out and decide if i wanted to stay or not, i dont think i have ever been called baby so many times in my life. there is one thing that confused the heck out of me and not quite sure how to interpert it, when i was about to leave he asked me not in a harsh way but more in a "im hurt" sort of way "why are you doing this, i said i would do counseling and anything else you wanted me to do what more do i have to do to prove to you that its over and not happening again" here is the confusing part, we said counseling last time and he didnt go so that part of the statement is a been there done that kind of moment. but the what do i have to do to prove to you part can be two different meanings, and as you all have noticed he is a great actor, it could be tell me what you want and ill do it and mean it, or tell me what i can do to have my cake and eat it to. on a semi positive note (the positive part will be at the end so please dont think i am saying the first of this is positive cause its absolutely not) the first woman we had issues with years ago, he was also friends with her now ex who was in a bad accident the day before yesterday and they do not think he is going to make it through the weekend, even though he hasnt spoken to him in quite a while my H wanted to go to the hospital to see him and asked if i would go with him, (i hate hospitals and unless something is wrong with one of my kids i flat out refuse to step inside one) and after reminding him of that he said that he really wanted to go see him but would only go if i went because there would be a chance that she is there with their kids and he didnt want any doubt in my mind about anything that was said or done. i feel like that is at least a small step on his part and agreed to go with him today so we'll see how it goes.
 
#27 ·
PS - just to stress this point... *if* communicating is the issue and he can't confide in you then his first attempts are probably all going to be bull-dip until he's comfortable with the concept (and you've allayed his fears). It's a long, slow process...
 
#29 ·
If she was really Only his friend, she would bow out gracefully. I could even envision a much different email back to you if any at all... You know something from her that sounded like. ..... I didn't realize... Or I'm sorry... Or even.... Your husband is a great guy and I wouldn't want to be a part of something that could ruin his marriage.

This email from her is toxic with either;infidelity from the past, infidelity in the present or a wish for his infidelity in the future (aka. Sexual tension)

You sound like you have been very reasonable with him, and he sounds like he may have an addiction to the spark.

Only you know what is the right answer for you.
 
#30 · (Edited)
The first thing I thought was that he told her you hacked his Facebook so I agree with the others.

You might tell your husband that the OW told you , he told her you hacked his facebook. The reaction you get might tell you plenty. Especially, how she bragged about seeing him and talking to him at work should be an eye opener.
 
#35 · (Edited)
The idea that not having one’s needs met being a contributor to affairs is not a new one. It has a lot of validity.

Actually having an affair falls 100% on the shoulders of the wayward spouse. But usually the state of the marriage falls on both spouses.

Sometimes a spouse does not allow the other to meet their needs… like when a person refuses to work on the marriage then has an affair. If a person has not told their spouse what their needs are and how they need to have them met then obviously the BS is not at fault.

Other times a WS does make a point of telling the BS (long before the affair) what needs are not met and it’s the BS who refuses to work on the marital issues.

Sometimes it’s a character flaw… like a person who can never get enough strokes to make themselves feel desirable; or they have developed a sex addition; or they have personality and or mental health issues. The list of what can contribute to a person cheating and the how needs can go unmet is seemingly endless.

But knowing what needs are not being met for the WS is very important. If a couple wants to reconcile and affair proof the marriage they have to find out what needs were not being met for the WS and protect against that. They also have to find out what needs of the BS are not being met because the chance of a BS intern having an affair are HUGE.

None of this is about blaming the BS for the affair. It’s about whether or not the marriage can be rebuilt and affair proofed in the future.

In some cases a marriage cannot be affair proofed because there is no way a person can meet their needs.. for example in the case of a narcissist, or a person with a sexual addiction who refuses to get help for it. So once these are identified the BS knows that walking is their only real option.
 
#44 ·
ok ok my turn, my H was by no means neglected in any way, and this statement "He talks to her because you are not meeting his emotional needs. Why is that? And what is it about him that is making you not want to meet his emotional needs" really upsets me whatever way you meant it. I am always available for whatever my H needs, however he chooses not to talk to me, believe me I have tried and tried to get him to open up to me about whatever is bothering him but HE chooses not to talk. i do not reject him in any way because I believe communication is key in any relationship, however i will admit that when you are the one being rejected after a while you stop asking, not stop caring, and hope that eventually that person will come to you and say Hey we need to talk. i honestly believe its just how some men are and they will never change and this is why... (im going to toot my own horn for a min) I keep our house clean while he doesnt lift a finger, all the bills are paid out of my check not his, his dinner is hot off the stove when he walks in from work, not to mention i work full time and have three teenagers to deal with. when he comes home he goes straight to our room and stays there until its bedtime. i try to get him to come in the other room with us but he doesnt, if his problem is that i am not available for us to talk alone, well guess what, i could let all the house work go, not do laundry and dishes, quit cooking, and let him do it all but just like the wall that he promised he would build in our dinning room 6 months ago, it wouldnt get done. if i didnt pay the bills we would be worse off than we are now, if i didnt go to the store there would be no food in the house, but like this past week when i was out of work for three days because i had the flu and was so dizzy when i got out of bed i almost past out twice, when i did feel better guess what, a pile of clothes and dishes waited for me (the kids were also sick) and he had the nerve to ask when i was going to get to them. really??? all of his friends brag on me when they come over because from the looks of our house you would never know three teenagers live there, so it is not, absolutely not me. like my last post said i left last week and told him i needed to think about things. i am tired of being the doormat. i am tired of not being treated as an equal and not getting the respect i deserve. we go to our frist mc session tomorrow so we'll see how that goes, but the doormat he is use to will not be there, I am a full time working mom of three who is either going to be the absolutely only woman in his life and get the help in our lives that i deserve, or im going to be a single full time working mom of three who will find a man who deserves my time. obviously i can take care of the four of us on my own im doing it now, and i let him know very frankly that i do not need him but if he wanted to be a part of this family he has a lot of work to do cause i am not coming home until i am 100% sure that this crap is over and will never happen again. we may be separated for a year before i move back in, but it will be on my terms and bacause i want to.
 
#45 ·
Maybe you are so busy with everything else that you guys haven't taken "us" time in a while. He is withdrawing from the entire family, there is definitely an issue there. Also isn't there something about the inequality between what spouses put into the marriage that causes affairs? Somebody help me out here...
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#47 · (Edited)
Yes, if ever there was a case of the mother syndrome, that post is it. This sounds a bit crazy, but you do too much, he does too little, and it is killing your marriage.

How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again:Amazon:Books

Which is not to say this is your fault, it would seem to be a fairly common trap. You can get out of it, together, but you'll both have to be committed to changing the dynamic. He will have to give up the AP for good.
 
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