When the OW will not go away
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » When the OW will not go away

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree67Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-01-2012, 03:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 8
Default When the OW will not go away

last weekend my H went hunting and the next morning he woke up sick, fever, chills, etc. anyway i had to go pick up our children from my mothers house and while i was waiting for them to get their things together i was looking on my FB and noticed he has posted that he was sick and wanted it to go away, when i started to write a comment there was a comment from a woman he works with asking if he had the flu, while typing my comment i got a phone call and was kicked off the site, so when i returned to his post not even 5 min later her comment was gone, that made me suspicous. so i looked up her profile and seen that she works with him, and it had her phone number listed in her contact info. i wrote it down and decided i needed to look into it more. i asked him when i got home who she was he told me it was just a woman at his work who was friends with his boss. the next day when i got to work i looked up our phone bill online, and there it was 68 phone calls between them this month alone. any where from 30 minutes to an hour and always on his commute to and from work. (he has an hour drive) so when i got home the next morning i checked it again, they had three more phone calls that morning before work, after he called me. i called him and asked if he would call and make sure i was up early because i had some things to do, of course he asked what it was and i wouldnt tell him. he kept on and on asking and i repeated everytime i just have some things to do you will find out later. i went to sleep (i work third shift) and a few hours later i woke up to him coming in our room, he had left work early, said he felt worse and was running a fever, so i went back to sleep and he woke me up at the time i requested. again he asked what i was going to do and i told him i couldnt do it now cause he was home. boy was he paranoid. i got out my computer and told him my phone was acting up and i was going to log on to the website to see if they had anything posted about it before i called into IT, (which was the truth but had other agendas in mind also) when i got logged on, i pulled up the troubleshooting page and found nothing which i told him, then i pulled up our usage page, i asked him who he was talking to so much in this certain town and read off the phone number, of course he told me it was his boss, lie #1, so i played it off and said they needed to pay our phone bill if he was going to use it for work all the time. from that moment on it was I love you baby and your the greatest wife, blah blah blah. later in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and said "dont ever leave me, im sorry for being an a$$hole" so i told him not to give me a reason to leave him and i wouldnt and asked when he had been an a$$, he said i had been acting wierd the last couple of days and thought it was because of him. going against my better judgement i told him i knew it wasnt his boss he was talking to and wanted to know why he lied to me and asked what was going on... gues what they are just friends, nothing is going on, he can talk to her about things he cant talk to me about, and he lied because he knew i knew who it was already. i didnt see the big S on my head but i guess he saw it cause he thought i was stupid. i did not blow up, i did not loose my cool, because we have been down this road before but last time i just forgave him, took his word it wouldnt happen again and now here we are again a year later. i let him say what he wanted, i listened, and then i didnt bring it back up. when something is important i have to write him a letter or send him an email so he will read it, see it, and understand it vs. me talking and him not hearing what i am saying. that night at work, on my lunch break, i wrote out his email, i told him that i was not a perfect wife but i deserved better, i told him to look at it from my view point and ask himself if it was me talking to another man that much would he see it as just a friendship, i said i was over it, and i wanted him to think about our marriage until this weekend and ask himself why he had to go to another woman for emotional support instead of coming to me, i then copied an article about EA's that i found on line and told him this weekend i wanted everything laid out on the table, the raw naked truth about everything and i would tell him then if i wanted to stay and work things out or if i was leaving. then i proceeded to send an email to her asking what was so important that my husband was exchaning 68 phone calls with her. (im sorry this is so long) that morning's phone call was so different, he knew i meant business because the D word has never been spoken in our marriage. he said he was sorry, he didnt know why he couldnt talk to me about things and that he did cross the line, i stopped him and said we would discuss everything this weekend. that morning she replied to my email saying they were just friends, they just vented to each other, her husbad cheated on her and she would never do that to anyone, and if i wanted to talk to her i could call her. fast forward to yesterday, my H came home and said we needed to talk, we went into our room to get away from the kids, he sat me down and said he couldnt wait until this weekend we needed to talk then, i have never seen my husband cry before yesterday, he told me he was so sorry, he did not see what he was doing as cheating until yesterday when he spoke to his dad (a rev.) he said he sent her an email saying their friendship was causing problems in his marriage and that he could not talk to her anymore, he told her the only contact they needed to have was to be work related but all emails needed to have his boss included on them, if it required a meeting someone else needed to be present, and nothing more. he showed me the email (which he had his boss included on) and her response which was im sorry to loose a friend but i understand. he said he wanted us to go to counseling because the kids and i were his world and he didnt want to loose us, he would do anything to keep our family together. i told him he didnt need to have any contact with her period outside of business related issues (which there is no way to avoid) and he agreed. He got on his fb account, deleted and blocked her, deleted her number from his phone, and said whatever it took he would do. do i believe him, yes, do i trust him, not on his life, and i havent decided if i am going to stay or not. but here is the kicker, tonight i get an email from the OW which read " i told you we were just friends nothing more. hacking his fb, deleting and blocking me served zero purpose other than to piss him off at you. all it did was show him that you dont trust what he sais or what he does. we work together. we are going to have contact, if for no other reason that for work related issues. fb is inconsequential. im sure you didnt want it, but there's my two cents." so that makes it obvious to me that this was in fact an EA because if after he told her he could not have anymore contact with her and he deleted her on his fb, a. why would that piss her off as much as it did and B. why would she think i did it. i did reply back to her, stating it was not me that deleted her, and so so much more, so after all of this, here is my question, i know this will not be the last of her, apparently their "friendship"/EA ment more to her than it did him or she wouldnt have a problem with this. i have thought about it and i am giving our marriage three months, counseling is a must, honesty is a must, faithfulness is always a must, and one just one mistake will end it all, so how do we get her to go away and leave us alone. i am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesnt work out, at least we can tell them we tried. but she has no dog in this race and needs to step aside. any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
Here we go again is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-01-2012, 03:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
walkonmars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 2,801
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

If she persists, a TRO is always a possibility.
__________________
A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
walkonmars is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 03:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,617
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Have him send a no contact letter in his hand therein state if she contacts him , you or any of your family again he will take legal action .
If she does , charge her with harassment .
Posted via Mobile Device
Eli-Zor is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 09:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,093
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Seems obvious to me that if it wasn't a PA yet, that she fully intended it to go that way. In other words this chick has her sights set on your husband.

Be watchful of his actions in the coming days/weeks and listen to your gut. If something seems off, follow up on it. Watch for his schedule changing too.
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 11:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
last weekend my H went hunting and the next morning he woke up sick, fever, chills, etc. anyway i had to go pick up our children from my mothers house and while i was waiting for them to get their things together i was looking on my FB and noticed he has posted that he was sick and wanted it to go away, when i started to write a comment there was a comment from a woman he works with asking if he had the flu, while typing my comment i got a phone call and was kicked off the site, so when i returned to his post not even 5 min later her comment was gone, that made me suspicous. so i looked up her profile and seen that she works with him, and it had her phone number listed in her contact info. i wrote it down and decided i needed to look into it more. i asked him when i got home who she was he told me it was just a woman at his work who was friends with his boss. the next day when i got to work i looked up our phone bill online, and there it was 68 phone calls between them this month alone. any where from 30 minutes to an hour and always on his commute to and from work. (he has an hour drive) so when i got home the next morning i checked it again, they had three more phone calls that morning before work, after he called me. i called him and asked if he would call and make sure i was up early because i had some things to do, of course he asked what it was and i wouldnt tell him. he kept on and on asking and i repeated everytime i just have some things to do you will find out later. i went to sleep (i work third shift) and a few hours later i woke up to him coming in our room, he had left work early, said he felt worse and was running a fever, so i went back to sleep and he woke me up at the time i requested. again he asked what i was going to do and i told him i couldnt do it now cause he was home. boy was he paranoid. i got out my computer and told him my phone was acting up and i was going to log on to the website to see if they had anything posted about it before i called into IT, (which was the truth but had other agendas in mind also) when i got logged on, i pulled up the troubleshooting page and found nothing which i told him, then i pulled up our usage page, i asked him who he was talking to so much in this certain town and read off the phone number, of course he told me it was his boss, lie #1, so i played it off and said they needed to pay our phone bill if he was going to use it for work all the time. from that moment on it was I love you baby and your the greatest wife, blah blah blah. later in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and said "dont ever leave me, im sorry for being an a$$hole" so i told him not to give me a reason to leave him and i wouldnt and asked when he had been an a$$, he said i had been acting wierd the last couple of days and thought it was because of him. going against my better judgement i told him i knew it wasnt his boss he was talking to and wanted to know why he lied to me and asked what was going on... gues what they are just friends, nothing is going on, he can talk to her about things he cant talk to me about, and he lied because he knew i knew who it was already. i didnt see the big S on my head but i guess he saw it cause he thought i was stupid. i did not blow up, i did not loose my cool, because we have been down this road before but last time i just forgave him, took his word it wouldnt happen again and now here we are again a year later. i let him say what he wanted, i listened, and then i didnt bring it back up. when something is important i have to write him a letter or send him an email so he will read it, see it, and understand it vs. me talking and him not hearing what i am saying. that night at work, on my lunch break, i wrote out his email, i told him that i was not a perfect wife but i deserved better, i told him to look at it from my view point and ask himself if it was me talking to another man that much would he see it as just a friendship, i said i was over it, and i wanted him to think about our marriage until this weekend and ask himself why he had to go to another woman for emotional support instead of coming to me, i then copied an article about EA's that i found on line and told him this weekend i wanted everything laid out on the table, the raw naked truth about everything and i would tell him then if i wanted to stay and work things out or if i was leaving. then i proceeded to send an email to her asking what was so important that my husband was exchaning 68 phone calls with her. (im sorry this is so long) that morning's phone call was so different, he knew i meant business because the D word has never been spoken in our marriage. he said he was sorry, he didnt know why he couldnt talk to me about things and that he did cross the line, i stopped him and said we would discuss everything this weekend. that morning she replied to my email saying they were just friends, they just vented to each other, her husbad cheated on her and she would never do that to anyone, and if i wanted to talk to her i could call her. fast forward to yesterday, my H came home and said we needed to talk, we went into our room to get away from the kids, he sat me down and said he couldnt wait until this weekend we needed to talk then, i have never seen my husband cry before yesterday, he told me he was so sorry, he did not see what he was doing as cheating until yesterday when he spoke to his dad (a rev.) he said he sent her an email saying their friendship was causing problems in his marriage and that he could not talk to her anymore, he told her the only contact they needed to have was to be work related but all emails needed to have his boss included on them, if it required a meeting someone else needed to be present, and nothing more. he showed me the email (which he had his boss included on) and her response which was im sorry to loose a friend but i understand. he said he wanted us to go to counseling because the kids and i were his world and he didnt want to loose us, he would do anything to keep our family together. i told him he didnt need to have any contact with her period outside of business related issues (which there is no way to avoid) and he agreed. He got on his fb account, deleted and blocked her, deleted her number from his phone, and said whatever it took he would do. do i believe him, yes, do i trust him, not on his life, and i havent decided if i am going to stay or not. but here is the kicker, tonight i get an email from the OW which read " i told you we were just friends nothing more. hacking his fb, deleting and blocking me served zero purpose other than to piss him off at you. all it did was show him that you dont trust what he sais or what he does. we work together. we are going to have contact, if for no other reason that for work related issues. fb is inconsequential. im sure you didnt want it, but there's my two cents." so that makes it obvious to me that this was in fact an EA because if after he told her he could not have anymore contact with her and he deleted her on his fb, a. why would that piss her off as much as it did and B. why would she think i did it. i did reply back to her, stating it was not me that deleted her, and so so much more, so after all of this, here is my question, i know this will not be the last of her, apparently their "friendship"/EA ment more to her than it did him or she wouldnt have a problem with this. i have thought about it and i am giving our marriage three months, counseling is a must, honesty is a must, faithfulness is always a must, and one just one mistake will end it all, so how do we get her to go away and leave us alone. i am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesnt work out, at least we can tell them we tried. but she has no dog in this race and needs to step aside. any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
You could forward her email to his boss with a request that he/she have a talk with her. She is sticking her nose in your marriage and saying negative things to your husband about you. Your marriage is none of her business. A lot of jobs will fire workers for things like this.
Helplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 11:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 159
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

EA last time too? How do you know? As of right now, I don't know if you can say it was an EA or PA. As usual, this is likely to get worse before it gets better. Hold on to your hat.
doc_martin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 11:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Calibre12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 434
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helplease View Post
You could forward her email to his boss with a request that he/she have a talk with her. She is sticking her nose in your marriage and saying negative things to your husband about you. Your marriage is none of her business. A lot of jobs will fire workers for things like this.
Strongly agree. This woman is psychotic, one who can't take a hint or let go...Does not know her "place", bold, daring. I can't imagine the life of hell your husband would eventually have with her if he indeed continues down that road with her. You should take the actions mentioned above or your husband needs to find another job asap. The restraining order is also a good idea. She needs to know she is an uninvited stranger in your marriage and she is "kicked out".
Calibre12 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 11:59 AM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RightfulRiskTaker View Post
Strongly agree. This woman is psychotic, one who can't take a hint or let go...Does not know her "place", bold, daring. I can't imagine the life of hell your husband would eventually have with her if he indeed continues down that road with her. You should take the actions mentioned above or your husband needs to find another job asap. The restraining order is also a good idea. She needs to know she is an uninvited stranger in your marriage and she is "kicked out".
I believe the first thing you need to do is be 100 percent sure your husband has gone no contact. You said you don't trust him nor should you right now. You said they talked while he was traveling to or from work. Hide a voice activated recorder in the car, monitor it for a week or so. Once you are certain he isn't in contact with her other then the agreed apon reasons like work then if she continues to stir up trouble then you may need to speak with their employer. Keep in mind it could cost them both their jobs and in today's market it may be difficult to find other work. You may need to be patient in order to get the info you need to move forward.
Posted via Mobile Device
jenny1981 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 12:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Calibre12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 434
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenny1981 View Post
I believe the first thing you need to do is be 100 percent sure your husband has gone no contact. You said you don't trust him nor should you right now. You said they talked while he was traveling to or from work. Hide a voice activated recorder in the car, monitor it for a week or so. Once you are certain he isn't in contact with her other then the agreed apon reasons like work then if she continues to stir up trouble then you may need to speak with their employer. Keep in mind it could cost them both their jobs and in today's market it may be difficult to find other work. You may need to be patient in order to get the info you need to move forward.
Posted via Mobile Device
The point is the OW has crossed her boundary showing irresponsibility. She is not hiding who she is or what she wants and is channelling anger to the wife. She needs to be put in her place. Since the economy is so tough, they should have thought about that before they mixed work with play. He needs to get therapy, put her in her place INFRONT of his wife and find another job.
Calibre12 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 01:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Tony55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 3,384
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Here we go again View Post
I am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesn't work out, at least we can tell them we tried.
Is this truly the only reason you're willing to try to save your marriage?

Regarding the OW, I would advise that you make no more personal contact with her, don't respond to anything she sends you.

You don't need to try to control some other woman's actions right now, you need to focus your energy on your husband; he's the only one who's accountable to you.

Ignore that woman.

T
Tony55 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 04:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Broken at 20's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 403
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

When being nice, subtle, and civilized fails, our instincts of going off on the other person succeed. (or at least I find they do)
Broken at 20 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 05:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,715
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Your instincts about all of this sound really good. You gathered information, confronted your H very directly, and have a plan. I would agree to just ignore any further contact from the OW. Monitor your H, but don't engage personally with her.
alte Dame is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 05:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,101
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

If you use a VAR in his car, make sure you use heavy duty Velco (with adhesive backing) to secure the VAR to a hidden surface in the car.

You might also consider installing a keystroke tracker on the computer he uses.

I would not get his boss involved yet because him losing his job could seriously damage you and your children.

Find out who her husband is and his contact info. If she contacts you again, send all her emails to you and her phone call history to her husband.. make sure that she does not intercept them... find a way to do this... like send it to his work.

Hopefully her husband will help put a stop to her harrassing you. And perhaps she will be so busy trying to fix things with her husband that she will leave you two alone.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 06:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,414
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Yup, expose to her husband.
SadandAngry is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-01-2012, 07:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,715
Default Re: When the OW will not go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadandAngry View Post
Yup, expose to her husband.
I third this motion.
alte Dame is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:27 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.