I really messed up badly
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I really messed up badly

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-02-2012, 03:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I really messed up badly

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, and known each other for a total of 15 years. We are were the best of friends, total soul mates.

Last year I developed a deep depression and self medicated with illegal substances. Over time, this led to me reading ads on Craigslist from women and then progressing to chatting with them, and eventually meeting with them.

Over the course of a year I met and had sex with 5 different women. My wife found out about the drug use, and then a few weeks later about the infidelity. I honestly don't know why I did what I did, except to say that I have come to realize I have a sex addiction.

After the discovery, I was asked to leave the house and I did. I went to a sex addiction rehab facility for 2 weeks and upon my return have committed to seeing a counselor myself 2 times a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and I go to various 12 step programs every single day.

To compound things, my wife and I own our own business and therefore work together and see each other every single day.

It has been 2 months since the discovery, and since I have dedicated myself to changing my behaviors and her anger towards me seems to multiply daily. She even stated that her counselor thought it strange that after 60 days she hasn't had any decrease in anger.

She refuses to talk to me about the affairs, and instead will say something that is insulting and then walks away. I do nothing but agree with her. I am at the house every single day to help with the kids and I make her bed, do the dishes, cook the dinners, cleanup the house and do 100 other things so she can go to the gym or out with friends, etc. When she gets home I leave and go back to my apartment.

The other day I was sitting next to her at an event and my elbow grazed up against her arm and she pulled it away and told me to not touch her, ever. She states she is going to file for divorce in the beginning of the year.

I am so remorseful for what I did, and I think getting a divorce gives me an easy out. I don't have to prove myself to her. I want to stay married and work every single day to show her how much I love her and care. But she is still so angry that I can't see her ever coming around.
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Old 12-02-2012, 03:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

Dave
Her reaction is understandable. Completely. She discovered she was married to a complete stranger. An unsavory character she never would have let enter her life. It wasn't a one-off. I doubt she had no clue about your ways. During the last year she probably tried to get you to talk, tried to find ways to re-connect with you. Am I right?

She had to discover your deceit on her own. And in phases. It's a wonder she lets you in the house at all. You're taking care of your issues with counseling. Let that be your focus for the time being. Give her space. Let the divorce go through as amicably as you can.

Since you two have a history you may be able to woo her back in time - but this is not the time.
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Old 12-02-2012, 04:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

Well to say that you F***ed Up is an understatement and what ever pain you are experiencing is well deserved. On the surface, it seems that her mind is made up to leave you because, as WalkOnMars said, she discovered she is married to a complete stranger.

From your posting it's difficult for me to tell just how remorseful you really are or if you are you sorry you got caught. Anyway, straightening yourself out needs to be your first priority. I think you will just have to allow her her space, let her be angry and process the whole thing. She isn't going to take anything you do or say seriously until she thinks you have your act together along with your self confidence. I think by the time that is done, she will most likely have divorced you. Which is OK, because you could win her back after a divorce, you are just going to have to do all the heavy lifting.
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Old 12-02-2012, 04:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

Dude not cool.
At least go get a std test done and give her paper work?

I can only imagine the quality of vagina that post on Craigslist :/
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Old 12-02-2012, 05:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

how did she find out?
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Old 12-02-2012, 05:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

What illegal substances? Pot? Or worse?

This does make a difference. If you used injectable illegal substances you could have risked giving your wife hepatitis and/or HIV as well as risking giving her an STD from sex with multiple partners. (And even sex with condoms still carries some degree of risk of STD infection.)
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

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Dude not cool.
At least go get a std test done and give her paper work?

I can only imagine the quality of vagina that post on Craigslist :/
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

I'm not sure I believe in 'sex addiction' and if it does exist I certainly don't imagine it can be cured in two weeks

to be honest if I were your wife I wouldn't want to touch you with a bargepole either

my ex said to me 'best friends don't treat each other like this' (he'd been trawling the internet for women too) and you know what? he was absolutely right. I can hardly bear the sight of him now, he's like a stranger to me

she has to see you every day which makes it even worse - all she can do is see the person she thought you were and wonder where the hell he went. I really feel for her
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Dolly is all of the women actually.
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

Don't blame her OP. I'd do the same.

You simply have to give her the space she needs.

You have no right to ask for anything from her.... your wants are irrelevant right now.

While your here... why not read some of the posts on these pages written by betrayed spouses... to get a tiny glimpse of the pain you have caused her.
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

Many issues that even separately can be dealbreakers but adding up the cheating to the sustance abuse seems made the deal for her.

Did she offer or accept at any moment to reconcile the marriage?
What did happen between the sustance abuse discovery and the cheating discovery?
Did you have any meaningful conversation at all?

BTW, unless you have a story preceding last year episode (as huge porn use, chatting online, a past) I highly doubt you are a sex addict. You just gave up on life, said "f0ck all" and proceed to live a life of self gratification. Sustance abuse and cheating go hand in hand many times.
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To compound things, my wife and I own our own business and therefore work together and see each other every single day.
As you wife is determined to divorce you (at least that what she says) and seems she can't stand you... how are you going to manage this bussiness?
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

It wasn't a one-off. I doubt she had no clue about your ways.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I really messed up badly

You want to save your marriage then you need to get a book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. A copy for you and your BW.

Hand your WW her copy of the book then move back home. Even if you have to sleep on the sofa. Can't recover living out of the home.
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