My WW & I had a talk last night....its been 3 months since I moved back home. We finally got around to talking about what happened
We had gotten some take out food & got some movies to watch. It was a nice night. I really enjoyed our time together.
Then about 2/3 into a movie, she gets bored and gets on her smartphone. I stop the movie in part of my frustration of her being on her phone (since it was her way of contacting the OM).
Then out of the blue, she starts talking about what happened....
She wants to know to what extend do my parents know about what happened. I was caught off guard. I told her that they knew a minimum amount.
She said that the reason she did what she did was that she wanted attention & she was lonely. That when I would come home from work, I would be upstairs on the computer. She works as a nurse from 7 til 7 or 8 & I get off work at or 6. Usually when she got home she just wanted to watch her shows on tv. Most of the shows I'm just not that into that much.....Bachlorette, Dancing w/ Stars, etc. So I would come downstairs when she got home, give her a hug & kiss...then eventually go upstairs & get online while she watched her tv shows.
Anyway, after I found out about her affair, I confronted her & she basically didnt say anything. I asked her to stop contact with this guy but all she could say was that she was lonely & benn unhappy for a long time...
I wasnt going to let her blame me so I left. I left our home for 6 weeks. During this time I moved all my personal stuff out of the house.
(see my past topics below) Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us - Marriage Builders® Forums Update: Cyber Affair
During our talk last night, she also said that she has appologized to me several times & that I have yet to appologize for exposing her to her family...esp to her brother. She doesnt know how she will ever repair her relationship with her brother now that he has seen the online conversations that she had with the OM. She said that what she said with the OM was private & no one else needed to know about it.
That her online fling was just a fantasy for attention....that when she got it out of her system she could proceed with her life from there with leaving me.
(I guess it was kinda of an exit affair for her)
She said that what she did,..... did not constitute me telling her family & embarassing her in front of them. I had to hold my tongue...
Then she said that she was depressed that she felt that I was slipping back into my old habits....that when she asks me to do something, that I should do it right away, no questions asked & with no sign of frustration on my part.
She explained that when she was a kid, her parents told her no a lot, and would say yes to about anything her older brother wanted. Now later in life, she says she feels whenever anyone tells her no, she feels unloved. So when I don't jump up and do whaever she asks of me, she feels unloved, uncared for & unappreciated.
That when I ask or make comments to her about what she is doing on her phone, it frustrates her. She says that implys that she is doing something wrong. She said that she is not talking to anyone with her phone. She is tired of me asking or making comments about her using her phone.
On the contrary, in my eyes, she has not apologized at all. Nor has she shown any sign or remorse:
* She is still checking her profile on her dating site, not answering but reading the messages these guys send to her. This has been going for 3 months now....she checks about 3-5 times a week.
She checks the site on her off days, while at work & even in the same room with me.
Usually when I am at home, she waits until I am asleep to check.
She has also been searching thru profiles on the dating site as well...
she even tried to access the profile that I made....my alter ego...I had since deleted it.
* She still has her phone locked. Her phone has been the medium for her affair with this guy. I hate the phone now & see how destructive smartphones can be in the people who will cheat.
* And more thing that she has done.... Like I said, I have been back in our house since Aug 31 (3 months now). On voting day, Tuesday Nov 6, I had to go out of town for my job. That was her off day from work. I left with kisses, hugs, etc. Thought I left that morning on a good note & she seemed happy.
We texted throughout the day....lovey stuff....about what to have for dinner, etc.
She called me on my way back to see how I was doing. She texted me to ask me that once I got off the interstate hwy, to text her letting her know I was home & to pick up cat food before I come home. Well I texted her when I got off the hwy exit & even picked up cat food.
We had dinner & everything seemed fine. I decided to go to bed, but had a gut feeling to check on things. So I checked on the phone records.
There it was....she had called this OM & talked to him for 80 minutes. I suspect the only reason she ended the call was b/c of my text telling her I was close to being home. She ended the call 3 minutes after my text.
I was so sad about finding this out. That next day at work was awful....I felt like dying.
Toxic Friend to marriage?
There is one friend of hers (lets call her Pam) that knew what my WW did. How do I know...b/c I have read the texts btwn her & my WW. During our talk last night, I asked my WW did her friend know prior to d-day. She said that she knew some stuff.
The texts btwn the two confirm that her friend Pam knew about my WW's "friend" as she called him. She asked my WW about her "friend" & told her that she wanted my WW to be happy regardless of who she was with....she just wanted her to stay in town & not move away.
I know some have said that the path to reconciliation is to purge yourself of all friends that knew of the affair. I just don't see my WW ever doing this. She just won't be able to....they work together sometimes. The are friends outside of work.
They are right now watching the Twilight movie together. But this involves some deception as well. Little does her friend now, but my WW & I have already seen this movie. She couldnt dare tell her friend that she has seen the movie already...it would hurt her friends feelings since her friend Pam considered watching the movie as a group event. Anyway, my WW said that she could put on act for her friend & act surprised at the movie's finale.
What to do?.....
My WW & I are going on a cruise for a week...in 2 weeks. I get the impression that she has been telling her friend(s) & folks that going on a cruise is a way for her & me to reconnect....and to rekindle our romance for each other.
Then when we get back, a few days later...the day after Christmas.....she will have hysterectomy surgery. This is my b-day as well. Happy b-day to me...
I'm not sure if I should confront her with what I know (her checking dating site profile & 80 min phone call to OM) after her surgery or not. My thinking is that I have helped her in a time of need, but she is still betraying me.
We found out about her needing the surgery about 4 days before she called the OM....and she has been checking/searching the dating site since learning about the need for surgery.
Basically she hasnt stopped looking on the dating site since I moved back home.
Part of me has let this situation last as long as it has b/c I wanted peace of mind that it was not my fault that my wife cheated on me. That it is her...something inside her lets her be this way.
That she is broken & needs therapy.
I think I have finally accepted this. Its taken me a long time to accept.
Sorry for my rant. I just hope someone can learn from my experience & doesnt have to go thru the pain I have been thru.