Did what needed to be done...or did I need?!?! need advice ASAP
long story short... relationship 21 yrs off & On;
M 8 1/2 yrs;
DD 11/4/12; suspected for 3 mths;
numerous affairs for 21 yrs; found out recent one by reading text after questioning for months - responses...crazy, insane, stupid, ****ed up!! Narcissism infidelity, verbal abuse, addicition.
WS blaming A's on BS to drinking/substance abuse, refuses to admit his enabling as reason to keep me occupied. BS believed WS, started to do what I needed too to fix me, so I could save M. However, it wasn't that. Responses, blame, verbal abuse, walking away, laughing, ridicule, etc..when he is at home, he started expecting & putting down for not fulfilling wifely duties (cleaning, laundry, cooking, sex, etc.) however, WS made clear he was done with me. No chance of reconciling or fighting for us after 21 yrs. I allowed the sex games, coming & going, put downs bc that is what I thought I needed to get through until I was done with him, or I was ready to end. We just reconciled in 3/12. I felt worse but hunger for him. I would and wanted to save my marriage at whatever my cost including my health (lost 15 lbs). Play house & have sex every time stays w me at least one x a day. I finally let GF hear us have sex today & talked to her. He asked why? why now? 4 weeks later cuz I now agree its over. Every other time I played payback game & founght for what was mine & dirty. This time just allowed it cuz I was blind sided and I couldn't stop mind games on my own! He played house with me which was comforting when he was home but came & left as he chose. It tore me up every time he left...no respect, using me, & expecting it. I hate myself for hurting him today & didn't want it to come to this but I had to do what was necessary to end the games. When I talked to her I didn't want to now destails but she did say he told her he slept in game room & that we had been discussing dicovrce for months. Not once would he mention divorce, we have 2 spare bedrooms ( cuz my daughter moved out cuz she cant stand him), he had refused to sleep in spare room cuz he belonged with me, I brought up divorce he stated no, I said open marriage he stated no way, I said if you moved on it is only right I do, he stated never! Why do I feel like this? I didn't want this...really, wanted to let him know I was only allowing this while I needed it! Help...never been alone (kids 17 & 18, dog fed up), desperate, scared, played out,wishing I had never found text to begin with or let her hear us or spoke to her?!? How ****ed up is this? anyone understand?
know I left out a lot of important details so pls feel to ask just emotional & wanting to curl up & cry! He sleeping on couch which is where he belongs esp since I ruined his new affair but not understanding why it bothers me? I am human but he didn't care about me, my feelings, closure, helping, supporting me...only tore me down for his personal pleasure!
also wo car, stuck in house about to be evicted from, as he lives his life back n forth. Honestly, beleive he let his 17 yr old son & myself get in this situation so he had a guaranteed out, and he won again?!
I honestly feel crazy right now & want to give him the bed...feel bad for hurting him. It had to be done. I have read the 180 & applied it every day but just wanted it all out instead of allowing him to have best of both worlds & throw it in my face! I feel completely insecure, needy, helpless & more hopeless!! Sick from worrying
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