Many times I felt very incomplete in my marriage--I just found hobbies to keep me busy. Being unfaithful to my spouse never entered my mind. I could never hurt someone I loved by doing that. My stbx, however, had no problem cheating. I'm going to say "once a cheater, always a cheater". A cheater has a character flaw and that isn't going to just go away.
I believe that cheaters have '0' respect for others and feel they are themselves worthless. Why else would you set out to ruin your own life & the lives of others? Its all so silly... cheaters NEVER win in the end. You end the marriage/relationship you are in FIRST. That way, there is no sneaking around, excuses, lies, hidden agendas... When you are single, you can do whatever you like, right? Be as SINGLE as you please, but not while you're still married!!! You are either married or not - single or not. Separation is there to give you time to sort through the decision on what to do next. It is not a time to see what's out there, that you think is better than what you had at home.
Good for you..at least you can feel good in your heart about yourself. Funny you mentioned the ring. Mine has never liked wearing it, which was never an issue until recently when I asked him to start wearing it again, because it would make me happy esp. after our last year of hell. He wore it for a while, but then got poison ivy between the fingers where the ring was (very small patch) and left for his job still not wearing it. (poison ivy gone)
Sigh..
btw though, I asked him to call me every day and he said he would...
Not everyone who cheats does so because of something missing in their relationship. 9 times out of 10 it is because of something missing within themselves.
Look at it this way -- if they were healthier, they would have done a better job at selecting their SO so that their needs would have been better met. If they were healthier, they would have been able to go to their SO to discuss the threat and to deal with it in a less destructive way. If they were healthier, they would have taken evasive action to avoid the threat completely and would have put the energy into dealing with their commited relationship.
When I strayed (emotional affair) it was because I took little responsibility for my relationship in the first place. If I had tended to it, it may have been better. Truthfully, he did turn out to be untrustworthy so maybe I couldn't have done better but I could have dealt with it by getting out prior to the EA. The EA happened after I already decided I needed out, but before I had gotten out. The getting out happned after the EA ended. In the end, it was inevitable.
Ah. I strayed because I wasl already done. That no sex occured is really immaterial.
dcrim I am sorry things didn't work out for you no matter how faithful you were.
Thanks everyone for all of your thoughts. I am asking my H to give me more and it causes fights. Of course he doesn't like that I flip out when he is on facebook or on his pc and he could be spending that time with me. Of course that is upsetting to me.
I have been asking for months for more of his busy time...last night and today have been horrible with lots of fighting. It started last night when I wanted to spend time with him...had told him several times I was finished with what I was working on and I stayed idle til he finished what he was working on. Well when he was done he went to FB...and I was upset. It was midnight and I was expecting the hammer to drop and him to be ready for bed..like he is a lot bc of his lack of sleep. Bed isn't sex...it's sleep. Well I had told him like 3 times I was done...and when he was done I expected him to want to be with me...not FB. I can't even mention that I feel like he spends more time on FB than with me bc that is an instant fight.
I am telling him there are issues...he thinks the issues are with me bc I can't deal with our lives and lack of time the way he deals with it. He says if I am free I expect he should be free and when he isn't then I am upset. He says I don't get to decide what is important and what isn't important for him to be doing (ie. FB).
So how do I just not care about what he is doing instead of being with me? I suggested that we make time..not try...but make time 30 min a day and he thinks that will sometimes not be possible. He acts like he doesnt even want to try. He feels like this is another ploy of mine to "control" his time and what he is doing and what he isn't doing. I am trying to save our marriage....which he says is not a marriage...its a dictatorship.
He thinks I am hard to please and I can never get enough. When I do get time with him it isn't good enough bc I always want more. So I get the feeling that he is giving up on even trying to make me happy at all.
We have spent the entire morning fighting. This is alone time we have w/o our kids and this is how we spend it. But he blames me...
Anent FB...that's just wrong. There should be NOTHING coming between one and one's SO! If there is, then something's lacking/missing.
I was with a (former) GF one time and we were getting into it and afterwards, I remarked that I gave up ST to be with her. She knew how much I liked that show and appreciated it!
If you have someone you love, they should be the first thing you think of when you wake and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep. And always on your mind all day. But not obsessively.
Java, just tell him he's not satisfying your needs and that you will find that satisfaction elsewhere (I'm NOT saying someone else/affair!). Leave the statement open...let him wonder. Withdraw a bit. Let him wonder.
Go out for a night with the girls. Go to the gym. The library and read for a while. Make sure you dress up a bit. A little perfume. Nice but not sexy clothes. Let him wonder.
Then go home. Prepare for bed (not with him in mind). Let him wonder. Go to sleep. Wake up with a wonderful smile on your face. Let him wonder.
Have a luxurious day! Relax, do nothing you don't have to. Let him wonder.
__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!
Well today I decided to fight for my marriage. I love my husband and I don't want to do anything stupid to create issues or to dissolve our relationship. I told the OM and he totally understands. so...I am giving it up and will be talking to you guys more. lol...
dcrim...I wish I were that bold. I am afraid to go out with friends bc I don't want to open that can of worms and he and I start doing stuff w/o each other...then I will be more jealous than I am now of FB.
We like doing things together and have never had the desire to go out with friends w/o each other. Your post sounded like fun and had me smiling when I was reading it though.
I think you need to find yourself and what makes you happy aside from a man and try to stop the negative energy ...It sounds to me like you are focusing on what's lacking in the relationship way too much, and he can feel the pressure, although I don't blame you for feeling neglected at all! But the relationship needs to just be without being forced to get back on track. I would suggest taking a step back and Dcrim's advice was right on. You don't want to be scarce, but need to "lean back" instead of "leaning in" to the relationship. Maybe just try to do things in the house that make you feel good...a good book, a hobby, whatever...and he will take notice.
I found some of the relationship experts out there extremely helpful. You can receive free emails from them to help that give lots of free advice and purchase their cds or not. Christian Carter is one and Rori Raye is another..excellent advice on how to "be with a man".
Good luck and I think you made an awesome first step! (believe me I know it's not easy!)
Thanks cao428. I appreciate the advice. I am trying to keep a journal and log whatever is bothering me and check in here more often. I do notice when I back off I notice more of what he is doing then what he isn't doing. I do focus on the negative (long story there). Honestly I don't know how to just be a different person. Unfortunately most of my trying goes out the window when I am pms'ing and feeling extremely needy of the affection. A book doesn't fix that. I need to go into hiding away from any living thing during that time. That is when we fight the most.
Outside of that time I am trying really hard....I am trying to notice more of what he does, how he touches me, etc. And remember those times when I am feeling unloved.
Just do what ever you can to build yourself up without the OM...Also you can google Dr. Paul...he is excellent and has a lot of good information about how a man thinks.
I know when I have felt needy (for reassurance, attention) the energy between my husband and myself wasn't good. You need to somehow be happy yourself before you can have a good relationship and we sometimes make the mistake of expecting our partners to make us happy when actually it's our own responsibility.
I am still learning too and it's a work in progress...
If you are depressed (sounds like you might be) then maybe seek a counselor for yourself..but you can always come here to talk too.
I do see a counselor and he has been in session a couple of times in the beginning with me....she actually wants him to come to the next session with me.
Thanks for the info on Dr. Paul. I will do a search....thanks again!
Re: Is it true? Once a cheater...
Of course that is upsetting to me. 
