Always a cheater? I am beginning to believe it is. I have not felt fulfilled in my marriage in the last few months and have been trying to tell my husband what I need from him. I get little in return and most of the time what I get are scraps of him. He is busy, he is tired, he is doing something...blah blah blah. When I need affection or attention he gets mad if I get upset b/c he says if I don't get what I want I get mad. I am tired of being rejected..even in the sex dept. The typical roles seem to be reversed in our marriage. He is tired, he is distracted, not enough time...blah blah blah. In his defense he works 3rd shift and operates on about 3-5 hours of sleep a day. We have lots of projects around the house that he insists on doing himself b/c of costs, etc.
Well in the last month I have started talking to someone and have developed feelings for this person. We don't see each other so nothing physical has happened. I love talking to him, he gives me the attention and love I have been needing. Well I have started pushing away from him b/c I feel guilty (the other guy) and never wanted to do this to my husband. I have been unfaithful before in other relationships and once to him while we dated years ago. At the time we were on a break and were not married...but it's not forgotten. He trusts me thoroughly now and he isn't insecure about anything. I know I am doing the right thing by pushing this other guy away and not letting the relationship progress.
I am trying to do the right thing...but like tonight my husband and I had a stupid fight and I just want to call this other guy. How can I get him out of my head but at the same time get more from my husband. I am resisting the temptation but it is really hard. I have developed feelings for this guy and miss talking to him. I want my marriage to work though and need to get my head back in the game.
Am I the only one that looks elsewhere when feeling incomplete?
I feel the same way. I feel something is missing in my marriage and I keep searching for it elsewhere. I don't even know what that missing part is, and why hubby doesn't give it to me. I even had a guy online that was my "run to" guy. I felt guilty, like I was having an affair, and it really disrupted my thoughts, my marriage and my overall mental health.
Depending on how high your expectations are, I think having a husband that is just busy is not that bad. If you want to save your marriage, don't call that other guy! That type of thing only leads to trouble. Call a girl friend, call your mother, call a pastor, or use this forum as your venting mechanism. It works for some people.
I was the same type of guy your husband sounds like. I ignored and rejected my wife for about 2 years after our 2nd child was born, and she ended up in the same boat you are in, she began to identify someone else as her emotional support and attention giver.
My wife ran into an old friend who lived in TN at his families party here in MI and then began an online and text msg relationship with him. However I was very aware of what was happening between them from the start.
By the time it got to the point she wanted to get physical with him I had decided I wanted to change the way I treated my wife so she would stay with me. When I got really mad about it I asked myself what the difference was between the way I treated her and the way he treated her, and although he had done nothing to really earn her affection, I had been actively pushing her away from a long time.
When I turned tuwn sex it was pushing her away, when I didn't talk when she was chatty I was pushing her away, and when I didn't spent real time with her just being a couple I was pushing her away.
I knew that even if I stopped her from seeing this guy that noone could take being pushed away forever.
So I really started talking to her and listening to her like I wanted to keep her. I asked about her fantasies and let her know mine, even the ones I was ashamed of and had never intended to reveal to anyone. I started going to her when I was horny instead of finding some porn and masturbating. We started going out on dates again so we could be away from everything else and just be a couple for a few hours. I started really helping her with the household chores so she wouldn't feel like a trapped maid. I quit the gaming that had taken so much of my time away from my wife.
The OM was totally forgotten, and then actively detached from her life, and I have no worry now that it will ever happen again.
Your man can change and the first step is to communicate with him. Think about why you want to have a "run to" guy other than your man and tell you husband about it. Tell him its got so bad you ended up on an infidelity blog asking how NOT to cheat.
Give him the chance to know that whatever he thinks he's doing its not being the whole man you need right now. Frankly it would be better to let the house fall apart than the marriage, it would be better to leave whatever it is that takes his time away from you than have you leave him, emotionally if not physically.
Just keep giving him the chance to change, and let him know you need change in the way you and him relate to each other.
If he doesn't change then seriously consider leaving him and look anew for someone who will stay connected to you. Dont cheat. You are better than that, and any man you are with deserves better than that too.
I feel the same way. I feel something is missing in my marriage and I keep searching for it elsewhere. I don't even know what that missing part is, and why hubby doesn't give it to me. I even had a guy online that was my "run to" guy. I felt guilty, like I was having an affair, and it really disrupted my thoughts, my marriage and my overall mental health.
Depending on how high your expectations are, I think having a husband that is just busy is not that bad. If you want to save your marriage, don't call that other guy! That type of thing only leads to trouble. Call a girl friend, call your mother, call a pastor, or use this forum as your venting mechanism. It works for some people.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so good to know I am not alone. I know what I have to do...it's just hard doing it when someone else is being so loving and sweet. They want to be with me and I can feel it. I don't always feel that from my H. I don't get the I missed you...I am the one saying that to my H. The OM...I get "I missed you so bad!" without effort. Why does it have to be like that? Anyway....thanks again for sharing. I will look here for support instead of someone else.
I was the same type of guy your husband sounds like. I ignored and rejected my wife for about 2 years after our 2nd child was born, and she ended up in the same boat you are in, she began to identify someone else as her emotional support and attention giver.
My wife ran into an old friend who lived in TN at his families party here in MI and then began an online and text msg relationship with him. However I was very aware of what was happening between them from the start.
By the time it got to the point she wanted to get physical with him I had decided I wanted to change the way I treated my wife so she would stay with me. When I got really mad about it I asked myself what the difference was between the way I treated her and the way he treated her, and although he had done nothing to really earn her affection, I had been actively pushing her away from a long time.
When I turned tuwn sex it was pushing her away, when I didn't talk when she was chatty I was pushing her away, and when I didn't spent real time with her just being a couple I was pushing her away.
I knew that even if I stopped her from seeing this guy that noone could take being pushed away forever.
So I really started talking to her and listening to her like I wanted to keep her. I asked about her fantasies and let her know mine, even the ones I was ashamed of and had never intended to reveal to anyone. I started going to her when I was horny instead of finding some porn and masturbating. We started going out on dates again so we could be away from everything else and just be a couple for a few hours. I started really helping her with the household chores so she wouldn't feel like a trapped maid. I quit the gaming that had taken so much of my time away from my wife.
The OM was totally forgotten, and then actively detached from her life, and I have no worry now that it will ever happen again.
Your man can change and the first step is to communicate with him. Think about why you want to have a "run to" guy other than your man and tell you husband about it. Tell him its got so bad you ended up on an infidelity blog asking how NOT to cheat.
Give him the chance to know that whatever he thinks he's doing its not being the whole man you need right now. Frankly it would be better to let the house fall apart than the marriage, it would be better to leave whatever it is that takes his time away from you than have you leave him, emotionally if not physically.
Just keep giving him the chance to change, and let him know you need change in the way you and him relate to each other.
If he doesn't change then seriously consider leaving him and look anew for someone who will stay connected to you. Dont cheat. You are better than that, and any man you are with deserves better than that too.
Thank you Gomez...thank you for spending your time to share this information with me. It is nice to have a guys perspective. I talk to him all the time and tell him what I need from him. He is just distracted all the time. I know I shouldn't rely on someone else to give me the emotional stuff I need. It's hard to say no when they give it so freely and the man I am madly in love with doesn't.
The bad thing is my H knows in my past relationships when things start going south and I am no longer getting the emotional support and love I need, I look elsewhere. He knows that. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, you are a great guy and a great husband to turn things around and save your marriage. Thank you.
I happen to agree, though. One cheats for lack of something in the relationship. If that lack can't be overcome...it WILL happen again.
My xgf cheated on me twice! One time I didn't know the depths of the A for a LONG time. I later learned it was a PA, not just an EA.
But she did it again, before dumping me and marrying her neighbor. Once there is cheating, there's no going back.
Then the lies come home to roost and you will never trust again.
If you can "rationalize" the first time, you'll always be able to justify the next...and the next...and so on. I even told her that she liked the attention...she said yeah, she does.
No, you're not the only one...but END the current relationship by whatever means it takes before you get it on with someone else! There is too much pain for everyone if you don't.
__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!
Your words are difficult for me to hear..is there no hope? I wonder every day about mine and if there was any PA. Whether so or not, I always wonder if the next one is around the corner ..
He is tired, he is distracted, not enough time...blah blah blah. In his defense he works 3rd shift and operates on about 3-5 hours of sleep a day.
You must address this sleep issue. It's almost certainly linked to everything else. He is driving himself. Somewhere deep down there is a man who wants to reach a point of rest - you need to find that man and rescue him. Sex will pick up after that.
I promise you - get him sleeping more, and everything will change, he must be out of his mind.
I believe certain personality types are drawn to cheating and cheat... and that without intensive therapy, the situation will repeat irself over and over.
Some women stay with the men and look the other way.
Your words are difficult for me to hear..is there no hope? I wonder every day about mine and if there was any PA. Whether so or not, I always wonder if the next one is around the corner ..
I know they are.
And I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. Sometimes there is no repeat...but in my (limited) experience...it will/does.
And you WILL spend the rest of your life wondering. Sorry, girl.
I will spend the rest of MY life always doubting, too. No matter who I'm with.
No one deserves to be treated this way. No one.
Once the simple, short, physical pleasure is done...there's a lifetime of hurt remaining.
__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!
Thanks dcrim..Mine is working away again...for 55 days this time. He has been working at (near) home for a few months, and the time has been very good, but he still doesn't give me all I need, the true intimacy and attention, romance. I know how you feel Java. I wondering if he is just "keeping me" because of the convenience. He wouldn't be able to work away from home easily without me watching over our properties (rental) at home.
Now that he's working away he doesn't call me regularly..it's almost like he's distancing himself from me so he has more "freedom"
I heard something disturbing from a friend. She said her guy told her men that travel a lot many times more than not lead a lifestyle where while they're away from home, they take advantage if something comes along, a woman for instance. He said he has friends that travel for their work and they talk about the women. Then they go home to their wives and family and home. It's like they lead "two lives". I think this is what mine is doing...and I will find out if he is eventually. I caught him wandering a once, and logging on to eharmony. Since then we have been through counseling and have "started over". I think if he was connected with me he would call me every day or at least every other..or commit to a time. If I catch him again...we are done.
Java, you are right in not proceeding with the other guy...as hard as it is and Mark is right...he isn't functioning normally with so little sleep and it's hurting your marriage..It will only complicate things if you give in to temptation.
The saying is hopeless and life is not hopeless. But, when we cheat or look to someone else to make us feel happier, we are trying to fill in the missing pieces by looking to others to fill us up. Other people can't do that, they will always disappoint us. Whether you have cheated or not, it is important to find an inner peace with The One Who Created Us, then live within the boundaries that help you to grow and not to hurt others. So, if you still think you need the "back door" guy. stop and realized what you really need. Also, I do come here because I need a place to talk and listen about this stuff without getting into an argument with my husband. I need a place to think and this is my "methadone" to get disconnected from a similar type of relationship. All the best.
I agree with what you said..people cheat because they need more from missing pieces in the marriage, but I feel it is all of our responsibility once we are married and make those vows to let our partner know and ask for those needs to be met...and maybe if they aren't the better choice would be to separate before we look somewhere else.
Is it true? Once a cheater...
Re: Is it true? Once a cheater...
