My wife and I have been married for a month short of two years, but we dated for five years before getting engaged.
About six months ago, she lost interest in sex, but otherwise acted lovingly. She moved to a different city for work with the understanding that I would follow her to the new city in a few months when I was ready to leave my job.
I moved at the beginning of April and things did not get any better. In fact, they got worse. I thought the break would help and that giving up my friends and job would show her how much I valued her. But it was not enough. I would often become resentful and withdrawn because of this.
Things were looking up when we finally moved out of a shared basement suite into an apartment all to ourselves. But during a vacation to Toronto she became severly depressed and mentioned suicide. When we got back home I called emergency mental health services and they took her to the hospital. The doctors and her both confirm that if I had not sought help she would have killed herself.
I found out a few days ago that she had been cheating on me while I was in a different city. She tried to break it off when I came back, but had several relapses. She is still in love with this other man. She has a list of reasons why she should end her life and chief among them is that she feels guilty for betraying our vows, and that this man has broken off contact with her and she feels rejected. (I assume he didn't want to continue being the other man).
She is still in the hospital, and I visit her as much as she allows (which is every other day). She likes me but does not love me and wants to split up. She told me that she doesn't know what she wants to do when she is released, but I know that she is trying to get back in touch with her lover.
I am going back in forth in my head whether I should give up on her as she's given up on me, or if I should contact this guy myself and tell him to respectfully stay away so we can potentially save our marriage. I know it takes two to make the relationship work, and she is currently not interested in it. But if they get back together there is absolutely no chance for us and maybe given some time she will realize that I have changed to address the problems that caused us to drift apart in the first place.
But perhaps it is his love and my forgiveness that are the only things that can make her want to live again.
If I try to save my marriage I may end up unintentionally killing my wife.
Fisher, I feel your pain! I could/would have expected something like that when you were so far apart.
I know it's a rough road ahead.
Remember, it takes two to fix a marriage. If she doesn't want to...well, sorry to say it...but you will have to move on.
If she's going to suicide...it's HER choice and not your responsibility. I tried that a couple of times (and failed, obviously). I won't be thinking of that again!
__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!
It all depends on what you want. Make a list of pros and cons either way and read it till you eyes bleed.
You have a really tough decision to make here. If you stick it out, its going to be along and painful process for you, and it still may all be for not. She could pull this again later. Who really knows.
If you leave now, at least (I am assuming as you didnt mention it) there are no kids. You could start a new life and eventually be free from worrying what shes up too.
Only you really know how strong you are and how much you love her. IF you decide to stick it out, all you can do is try to be as supportive as you can for her until she is feeling better. Then if shes still willing, you can work on the "us" later. Trying to fix your problems together at the moment will just make it worse.
Suicide is very serious, it can't be reversed. A divorce or separation can. What do the doctors say? Is she still depressed? Is she still a danger to herself? Does she have a support system of relatives and friends? It does seem morally wrong to initiate a divorce while she is in a confused state.
My honest opinion is move on. Wow she sounds like a real catch. She cheats on you. She is married to you but not in love with you. She is not intimate and lost interest in sex with you. She is in love with someone else. And to top it off she is suicidal. RUUUUUUUUUUUN. You don't need all this emotional baggage. Live your life and find someone more sane.
Sensitive,
The doctors are still trying to figure out how to treat her. I don't think they have a formal diagnosis for her illness. She will be in the hospital for a minimum of one month more and probably months longer.
I believe that she is still a danger to herself. And the doctors seem to agree, just by keeping here there. She has recently started acting more normal, upbeat, and in control, but I have my suspicions that she is just doing what it takes to get released. Her parents say that she wouldn't do that- she's not a good liar and is a very honest person, (and I would normally agree), but these past months have proven to me that she is at least capable of it.
She does not have a good support system. Her parents are there for ther 100% and actually moved for the summer to be closer to her. But she only has one friend, and he is moving away in September. That is why it is difficult for me to cut things off with her completely. At the very least I want to be there for her as a friend, but I know if she starts seeing this other guy it will be difficult for me to act in that capacity.
It does seem wrong to start seperating while she is in the hospital, even if she wants to. As much as she seems to want it, and as much as she wants to pursue the other guy, I do not have faith in her ability to think rationally. During her last three months she's said and done some weird things (She kept on trying to get me and her lover to be friends while they were still carrying on a secret affair, for instance). So even if she thinks he is the answer, I am skeptical.
I will tell her psychiatrist what she is planning and ask if it is the right thing for her to do.
Dark Angel,
I think you are correct in that I should wait to work on 'us' later if that is indeed the road I choose to take.
To everyone who is telling me to run,
I find myself thinking this more and more often. But every time I close my eyes I see all the good in her and just want her back.
To everyone who is telling me to run,
I find myself thinking this more and more often. But every time I close my eyes I see all the good in her and just want her back.
She cheated on you... She loves another dude.. And she is in a mental institution. What else more do you need. LOL its your life though. Don't come to me saying man I wish I would've taken your advice the 1st time. After she cheats on you again or leaves you for this guy. I don't understand why people stay in a marriage with a cheater. Do you have a low self esteem?
Last night I talked to one of my wife's ex-coworkers who also happens to be a therapist. I understand now that my wife's problems run a lot deeper than what has happened between us and with this other guy. I feel both less responsible for the way things have turned out and less responsible for the way things will go in the future. It will ultimately be up to her to accept the help she needs.
I have decided to move on, but I hope that I can still support her as a friend. If she decides to get treatment, it will still be a long and difficult process.
I also agree with this group. Move on and save yourself from a life of sadness that comes with trying to breathe life into a statue. She wants another man who is not you, right? AS much as you love her, she loves another and we all know, you cannot make another person fall in love or stay that way. Would you rather let her go or continue on in a marriage where she can always look you in the eye after seeing them together and say,"I told you, I didn't love you!"
Cheating, suicidal wife
