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I need help.

81K views 270 replies 61 participants last post by  kindi 
#1 ·
15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
 
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#97 ·
That's easy... She had the NCU (New **** Urge). Plus, her husband sounds like a really good guy. I mean, didn't he say he'd do anything to protect his family? He's probably not that "dangerous" or "sexy." He's probably also not the type of person that would go out with a buddy and have a threesome with a married woman.

The OP wanted to have sex with two guys at the same time and she isn't sorry about it -- she's just sorry she got caught. I hope she vomits for another week.
 
#94 ·
Dgee, by not confessing to your husband what are you trying to save? A marriage that was built on lies?

However you look at whether you confess to your husband or he finds it out from someone else on his own your marriage or whatever it can be called is dead. Now if you can convince it was only a one time thing and he forgives you, you might have a chance on building a new marriage.
 
#95 ·
D Gee,

(Tom, Jim , Toni and Eric) All know your secret. I would say each one of them have told others,and then those people has told others.There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. People like to tell secrets, especially after a little time has passed.
 
#98 ·
If/When you "out" yourself, and your H, wants information, and if he is like a goodly portion of betray'ds he will want lots of info----you are gonna have a hard time keeping him in the mge----if you say to him---then WE DECIDED TO GO TO TOM'S APT-------You are telling him you were a willing party to all of this---but I guess you were-------so comes the next question, cuz it seems that you iniated the kissing sequences----WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOUR MGE----you may have had to much to drink---but you were not drugged, and you were not falling down drunk, you knew right from wrong, and you knew what the consequences of your cheating would bring----so why were you all of a sudden so hot to trot with these 2 guys-------"what was wrong with your H"--------did you ever at any time think of what you would do to 3 small kids, that you allegedly called yourself a mother to

Luckily, they have grown up, but depending on their upbringing, you may also alienate them, due to what you did to their father.

I am just bringing up questions your H, will ask, and you better have some TRUTH for him----that is if you do, decide to do the right and PROPER thing, and "out" yourself----but as I keep saying, based on what you are writing, taking this secret to your grave is liable to put you in the Hosp., and then it all comes out anyway, but not from you to your H., but from others to your H.-----------your life, your health, your decision.
 
#102 ·
Greetings.

I fully reject the concept of marriage. It is a finished institution and any of you who have managed to trudge to the altar are absolute fools. It's 2012 and you should have all known this by now.

I have never been married and I certainly never will. In your blue-pill fug, you will predictably call me insane. You will raise a torch for your wife (if you're male) or for YOURSELF if you are female.

The OP is only doing what is a natural reaction to her gender. Do not blame alcohol, do not blame coercion (she has explicitly stated this was of her own free will and desire).

"But Buster, men cheat too!" you'll screech. Fine. This too does happen and I won't deny it.

Men on this forum had better learn a lesson you will never be made privy to even if you've attained a PhD - Briffault's Law.

It follows:

BRIFFAULT’S LAW:

The female, not the male, determines all the conditions of the animal family. Where the female can derive no benefit from association with the male, no such association takes place.


1. Past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or future association.

2. Any agreement where the male provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit.

3. A promise of future benefit has limited influence on current/future association, with the influence inversely proportionate to the length of time until the benefit will be given and directly proportionate to the degree to which the female trusts the male
.

This law applies to human nature as well. The OP must have found her husband to be such provisional material and cast away the fool's sexual misgivings (which are obvious) in hopes that the simp could provide resources for her future children at that time of her marriage.

The OP had little to no sexual interest in the father of her children - just acquisition of resource and provision, and this is certain. Gentlemen, your wife feels the same way as the OP. She wants a source of raw energy to fuel HER family and nothing less. When an economic unfortunance occurs, she will leave you toots-sweet. You have lost your usefulness and she will play the field for another, more provisional mate. It happens with pigs, hippos and vampire bats. Same goes for humanity.

Why her husband had even bothered in the first place to tie the socially-engineered knot is a mystery to me, but most people expect marriage as a conventional ceremony in their lives even to this day. We should be smarter than this by now.

The OP's husband also must remember that "once a cheat - always a cheat." Although at her calculated age, her shelf life is unsavory, do you think that she'd refuse a cougar hunt? The hell she wouldn't! She'd happily tryst with a strapping post-grad (or in her case -grads) who wants to "experience the experience." Hell, I rocked the world out of a cougar 17 years my senior and it was mind-blowing. I mean, we're talking tantra!

For the record - I have never been married and I never will.

As for the OP, fear not! Even if your dumb hubby divorces you,the Family Courts will still be in your favor and you will be most certain to be enriched from your divorce.
 
#110 ·
Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact---THIS WOMAN IS TEARING HERSELF APART MENTALLY---now she is gonna go to a dr. and get meds on top of what is already going on------it is just piling one mess, right on top of another

Maybe/very possibly its best if she could take this to her grave, and her H., never would know--------but at this point every puff of air that comes at her, makes her jump out of her skin---how long is she to allow herself to puke up her bile--------this all comes from festering guilt---and LIKE IT OR NOT---"outing herself", MAKES IT ALL GO AWAY.

There will be consequences to pay for everyone, that is the price everyone has to pay for her tawdry choices 15 yrs ago, but what are we really looking at here.----HER F'ing MENTAL HEALTH IS AT RISK
 
#111 ·
15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.
Although I sincerely regretted the fling from the moment I sobered, Toni says that I left her with the impression and that she told Eric that I totally enjoyed it when I told her about it. I know that’s a lie. I couldn’t stop telling her how horrible I felt. I don’t understand why she made a big deal about it to Eric.

It's incredibly hard to see why "the incredible passion" was not enjoyed at the time.

In any event, there are consequences that'll need to be paid.

It's extremely likely that Eric will spill the bean. Better your husband hears it from you rather than from Eric or other strangers.

You can bet your buns other people also know. How do you know your 2 gentlemen hadnt told others? I suspect these jocks will brag.
 
#112 ·
Here would be the another reason why D GEE you should reveal the truth. By not doing so you are making a unilateral decision a on a large scale by withholding vital information. Imagine if your H had made some large financial decisions that cost the family a huge amount of wealth without discussing the matter with you first. Would that be fair?

You have been given a fair amount of reasons to just come clean. I sympathize with the sudden illness that has taken over your life due to the guilt. But make no mistake I sympathize with your H to a much greater degree for not being privy to very important information that would allow him and you to make some serious decisions. It will not be water under the bridge if either Toni, Eric or these two characters decide to leak the information to your H. I still think you are taking a big gamble, but again I don't have to live your life. Take Care and as always I wish you the best.
 
#113 · (Edited)
I want to ask everyone a very serious question, and I want to ask anyone who answers to please think hard about their answer.

I'm asking this question because of my concern for the husband, who, as we sit here discussing this, is innocently going about his life, probably happily, without a care in the world.

In my fictitious scenario we will have to assume some absolutes, I'm not saying these absolutes apply in D Gee's situation, so please don't use that argument, it's only in this fictitious scenario that these absolutes apply.


Imagine you know a secret about a person who had sex with someone outside of their marriage 15 years ago.

Here are some of the conditions:
  • You're 100% certain that the only person who can ever reveal the secret is you.
  • You're 100% certain that the spouse who cheated did it once.
  • You're 100% certain that the family is happy.
  • You're 100% certain that the spouse will never do it again.
I drive you to their house, they're all inside, all you have to do is go ring the doorbell and reveal what you know. If you walk away, no one will ever know. If you reveal the secret, no one will ever judge you for your decision.

Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.
(everything else still applies.)


What do you do?

Please be honest, imagine this exact scenario, don't consider D Gee's story in the answer.

T
 
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#124 ·
So, SomedayDig, in the context of my scenario, would you tell the person then? On the basis that a drunk cousin might anyway?

T
 
#118 ·
You seem to be getting some advice to take this to your grave. But concealment no longer seems to be an option. Too many people know about this incident and one person is threating to expose it. Even if the exposure doesn't happen now, it's simply a matter of time.

This issue needs to be addressed with your husband immediately. You need to:

  1. Tell him everything that happened and acknowledge you made a horrible mistake. While alcohol may have been a contributing factor, it is not an excuse.
  2. Acknowledge that you have compounded the mistake by not telling him. But you didn't tell him the truth because you could not stand the thought of losing him and your family.
  3. Tell him how the incident has changed your behavior. He might not believe that this was the only time something like this happened, but he should be able to see one clear change that you made when you stopped going out on these GNO's after the incident. You might also point out the other incident with the co-worker where you told your husband and put an end to the advances. If there are any other examples of changes you have made, tell him these as well.
  4. Let him know that you will do whatever is necessary to perserve your marriage.
.

I don't think one mistake, as bad as it was, should nullify 20+ years of marriage. But make no mistake this is not going to be easy, and there is no way to anticipate the outcome.
 
#120 ·
The truth will come out eventually. It always does.

It's better for the OP to control the who,when and why than someone else.
 
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#126 ·
Well, that would change the situation Tony.

If I were in that situation and I was the only one besides the cheater who knew what had happened, well...I'll tell ya exactly what I would do. I would not be a friend any longer. I can only say this because it is exactly what I did a few years ago when I found out about a friend cheating and not wanting to tell his wife. I actually begged the guy to tell her. He didn't. He was confident it would never come out.

They're divorced now cuz she found out when he got lazy and never totally cleaned out his emails.
 
#130 ·
I edited the original scenario to make it easier to consider, I added...

Edit: I'll make the scenario easier to consider. You know the entire family, they are all friends of yours.

T
 
#131 ·
Let D GEE answer in her own words
... It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.
 
#136 ·
I can't envision your analogy in the same way I see this, but I understand the point you're making.

As far as the question if I'm implying if you lie long enough should you get away with it, no I'm not implying that, I'm not even thinking of this in terms of someone getting away with something, I'm thinking of this in terms of destroying someone else's life.

I hate the idea that this man's life is going to come crashing down around him over something that was done once, 15 years ago, and not repeated since (according to the poster). It feels like an extremely selfish thing to do.

We all know he'll never recover from this, he'll move on, we all do, but he'll never recover; this will permanently kill something in him.

T
 
#157 ·
Yep.

I suspect there was a lot more to this story than the OP provided. It really seemed like a ploy for sympathy.

I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days.
I would be surprised if she only met up with Tom once.
 
#134 ·
I am wishing I could agree with Tony, as I believe he makes a sound argument. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be an option in any case. It sure sounds like this cousin's husband is a loose cannon. If the divorce gets that bad, he will tell. He will be doing anything to get back at his wife and any on her side. Such is the way of bad divorce.

So with that, I think she is faced with a worse and worser (I know it's not a real word :) choice.

As the BH I would ABSOLUTELY disbelieve that this was her only indiscretion...and 90% of the time I would be absolutely correct! And if her cousin's husband were a real POS, he would lie and say there were more? He won't need any evidence. The stone will have been cast. I do agree that finding out 15 years later would be as bad as finding out right away...probably worse acutally, because now you are certifying that not only WILL you do things that do not take your husbands feelings into account and betray his trust but you WILL cover it up until you are caught. So what else REALLY may be out there...

Affairs are like watching shooting stars. For every one you see, there are ten you didn't...
 
#135 ·
I respect Tony. I generally agree whole-heartedly with his POV. And I would agree that IF it was only the OP that knew the secret then yes take it to the grave. I've given that opinion in another thread where the wife had a ONS with a stranger, was remoresful, sought help on dealing with the guilt and anguished over hurting her husband with the truth. A real moral dilemma.

This case is different. There are too many people that know. Exposure is highly likely and would require additional denials and compounded pain for her husband. Every time the phone rings her blood pressure will skyrocket her stomach will churn until it rings again. Every time the family gathers and her cousin is present she will break out in a cold sweat.

Her husband WILL notice. Its a downward spiral.

Would I wantvto know? HellNO. But if I was going to hear it from anyone it better be from her. Thats the only chance she'd have with me.
 
#146 ·
Explain to me why you think the source matters. In this case, under these conditions, how will it matter? (I'm looking for something I might be over looking).

T
 
#143 ·
I'm more concerned with toni. One drunken phone call away. One falling out away. She already has it in her mind that dgee had a blast. She'll wonder "that lil tramp, she did all that and is livin the life, me, i was faithful and look at me - 'taint fair!"

It's a matter of time.
 
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