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I need help.

81K views 270 replies 61 participants last post by  kindi 
#1 ·
15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
 
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#144 ·
15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

Well, well... Looks like Jim is certainly not keeping the 3some a secret.
 
#154 ·
D GEE, the only reason you are here is because you are cornered.

You didn't give a damn about it for these 15 years: nobody would hold it that long if it was eating them from inside. The way you describe the encounter suggests the memories are not entirely unpleasant and were perhaps regularly revisited.

The only reason you stressed now is because you are blackmailed. It has nothing to do with remorse.

Your only avenue now is disclosing the truth preemptively before the husband will learn from others. It will not be pretty, and he will doubt everything about your life together. I would too, and frankly, I have my doubts if that was your only rodeo. It takes certain mindset and lack of inhibitions to get into a threesome with total strangers, even when one's single.
 
#159 ·
Finely got some sleep. 11 hours. Doctor visit was emotional. He prescribed Xanax. Xanax works great. It really took the edge off. I am thinking much more clearly now. He made an immediate referral to a therapist. That visit also went well. Andy now knows about my betrayal. I didn't go into any details, but told him I love him dearly but that there was a fling years ago. He wants to know details, but he respected my desperate need for sleep. I spent the night at my sisters home. We are scheduled to see the therapist together tonight. She thinks she can mediate a confession without graphic detail. God I hope.
 
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#173 ·
Thing about kids is that they usually know even before they "know." Infidelity permeates every orifice of a family and its stink infects it. Young people are perceptive, and although they don't actually know what happened, they have been emotionally evolving all this time to deal with it, because it's been with them.
 
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#172 ·
OP I will try to be as delicate as I can while still being honest.

I honestly think this is good for you. This is the best thing that could have happened for you because to be frank, you have been a terrible person for fifteen years. Whatever you believe about yourself, whatever good things you think you have done, you have been lying to your husband every second every day for fifteen years. That makes you a terrible, terrible person.

Also, you must come to terms with the fact that the only reason you are here looking for help is because now the truth is about to come out- it's inevitable. Your remorse was nowhere to be found as long as you thought no one would out you, and if this had not happened, you would have continued to lie to your husband for another 15 years. There are not the behavior attributes of a human being. It is that of a narcissist.

However, this is often what happens: people rarely choose to become better- we are usually forced into growth. You refused to be accountable a long time ago, and as you continued to reject the cup it festered more and more. Now life is forcing you to drink it; tastes awful, doesn't it? Good. Because it will help you become a good person. As you go through this process, hopefully your focus in life will shift from yourself to others. I see from your posts that your goal is to mitigate the impending storm, and this is natural, albeit extremely selfish. My hope for you is that as you go through this ordeal you will begin to care for your husband like you should.
 
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#174 ·
I'm sitting here thinking about D Gee's husband Andy; this holiday season is going to suck for him, I hate this. I know there was no "good" solution to this, both options were bad, to tell or not to tell.

I hope D Gee tells him to come here for support; maybe we'll see an Andy Gee soon.

T
 
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#175 ·
@ Tony55, I've really appreciated your level headed responses to this, and I agree that the upcoming holidays will be rough for him.

I have to admit that your arguments really swayed me more than I would have thought possible as to whether or not she should tell, as my natural response would have been for her to tell him. With that being said I could argue along the same lines that should she now give all the "gory" details or just admit to cheating 15 years ago ? A very hard pill to swallow to admit something like a 3 some. I'm asking this as a question and admitting I don't have an answer.
 
#177 ·
He'll want to know the lengths she went with OM. He at this point doesn't know that there were 2 OM. For H to forgive (possibly) and R (also possibly) at this point he has to know the whole story. Not selected bits to make her look less bad.

To be honest, if she admits to a threesome, that she seemed to enjoy, with two men, it would be tough for H to think well of her.

That puts her in a tough spot. But trickle truthing will only make it worse.
 
#178 ·
I am glad you told your BH.

I am not happy to hear that you spent the night away from your BH. Your place was to be in your marital bed, not to have sex, but for your BH's mental health. How do you think your BH could be secure enough sleep with you not being there?

You prevented your BH having peace of mind, and the physical comfort of just being able to hold you.

I think your next step is to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Wishing you and your BH heal from this.
 
#179 ·
You've taken the first hard step to relieving you stress. The next one will require you to be very brave. You need to tell the complete and total truth, including what you did with the two guys, and what their names are.

You need to understand that any lies or withered facts are more betrayal of your husband. Right now you are begging for forgiveness of betrayal 15 years ago, don't add new betrayals to what you need forgiveness for.

However this turns out I strongly encourage you to use this experience and talk with younger women that you know. Pass onto the that doing stuff like this does catch up with them eventually. The only way to avoid getting bit by the truth is never doing the crime.
 
#181 ·
Make sure you control the early part of the conversation. Start with how you feel about him. How you hate what you did. How you wish it never happened. How hard it was to live with what you did.

Practice and say what you need to say. You may not get another chance.

Do not compound your mistake. Your opening thoughts will set the tone.
 
#184 ·
D GEE

You made an important step in coming to terms with revealing this dark secret to your H. You and he (Andy) will need more time to digest this new reality (and it is new), but you really should come back here. There is a wealth of field experience to tap into from BSs and WSs alike. Don't try to make this sojourn alone.

It will be very tough, but I for one would like to see your marriage survive. You will continue to hear harsh tones, but don't let that paint your determination to save your marriage. And, make no mistake you will have to do greater than the lion share of work toward R if that is possible. I told in the beginning don't just tell your story and pack up and leave because it get too uncomfortable.

Come back. Some of us may be able to help. Take care
 
#187 ·
Not a good meeting at the therapist. She did the vast majority of the talking. She explained to him the possible reasons why women break the trust of a marriage. He didn't want any part of her dialog. He just wanted to know specifics. She insisted that she would not confess on my behalf, the specifics would have to come from me. I couldn't talk. I had no voice. I was trying to tell him how much I love him. She explained that her experience and instincts tell her that my unfathfullness was an impulsive and one-time occurence. He wanted to know when? And who? I gathered myself for about 10 seconds to tell him that it was so long ago, and that it was so out of my character that if he would just give it some thought he would see that it was not a reflection on us. It was me who feels completely humiliated. I then told him it was a 1-night-stand with 2 guys. From that point on I couldn't look at him. I sobbed for next 3 hours. The therapist controlled the remainder of the meeting. Very little emotion from him. He seemed stunned. He got up and left the office and told me not to come home. He wanted time to think. I know him very well. I think my marriage is over.
 
#188 ·
I still don't understand why you didn't listen to Tony55. This confession was to make you feel better I guess. I don't think it has. You made your second huge mistake at the therapist office. There is no way a man can hear his wife cheated and not HAVE TO KNOW the details. I will be amazed if you salvage this.

Sorry. Your on a long tough road.
 
#189 ·
D GEE

I am really sorry that things did not go well at the therapist. Give him time, then ask him to give you the chance to tell the whole truth if he still wants to hear it. I think you have been told already, don't make it about you. You may feel ashamed, but he is deeply hurt beyond what you can possibly imagine.

Wait, don't push, for an opportunity to tell him you want to save the marriage. That opportunity will usually be noted by him being more verbal. Be careful with too many "I love you" at this point, it rings hollow.

How about you ask him if you can come over to get the laundry. You clean his clothes (not there) and deliver it back to him. Also deliver dinner, etc. you need to say less and try to do more. Men see love through actions... You have a lot to make up for the threesome act. Don't write it off yet. Stay busy doing for him... This is no longer about you.
 
#194 ·
An old ironworker told me many years ago there are two times you are supposed to lie, one ...to keep from getting hurt (physically), two...to keep from hurting someone else (mentally/psychologically).

There is no upside for this to have been revealed. Everyone, husband, wife, children are now under the bus. It will never be as good as it was. This family has crashed and burned with our urging.

This grieves me to no end.
 
#214 ·
No don't necessarily agree here.

As FryFish pointed out this family crashed and burned when the OP (A married woman and mother) had sex in a truck.

In. A. Truck.

With two men. She then went back to an apartment and continued having sex for an hour or two.

She didn't accidentally fall on to two penises, or 'make a mistake' She willingly and enthusiastically (from what she posted) had hot sex with two men. Do you not think her husband had a right to know about this?

Beside which, what must her life have been like these last 15 years? Never knowing if her husband was going to find out one day, always having that fear at the back of her mind.

Every time her husband told her "I love you", every time he gave her a gift or surprise holiday or whatever on their anniversary. Every time they heard about friends or relatives having fidelity problems in their marriage. Every time they saw a film together with infidelity at the heart of it.

This must surely have eaten away at her soul, her self esteem. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the mental problems she is experiencing now are a culmination of all those years of worry and disgust in herself.

Can they reconcile? I don't know, others on this forum have reconciled from worse situations.

It certainly sounds as though she is truly remorseful and that her husband does love her very much so part of the battle is won, only time will tell now.
 
#216 ·
I dispute that her telling him is any better than hearing it elsewhere. She only told because of a threat by the cousin in law. The rest of the 15 years she was guilt free. She would have been just fine if this never came up again.

Her husband will know that she told only because she had to not because she lives and respects him so much. In fact she resisted telling even in MC.

Now, anyway you slice this the BH knows she cheated in a threesome and other people knew about it because she told them not him about it. If I were him I would assume many more know about it.

Truthfully, I would have called the bluff and wait to see if the cousins husband ever told. Stressfull yes but better chances of keeping the rest of your family from this stupid pain and destruction because she drank and had a threesome 15 years ago.

She did the worst thing you can do cheat in a group sex situation, I think keeping the secret after 15 years is not adding much to the scale on the side of what she has done wrong. She should have told the next day and given him the choice to move on without her or to build the family with honesty. Now it's a mess.
 
#196 ·
You did the right thing. Finding out from you is better than someone else. Holding back details that he is asking for is lying by omission. He needs you to be open and honest if yo expect him to consider working past this with you.
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#197 ·
All we know is that she is out of the house now. That isn't an improvement in any of her families lives. She has punished herself for fifteen years and now its even worse.

Honesty is the best policy.........usually. If it were always the best policy spys wouldn't lie, there are many exceptions...........destroying a happy family is just one.
 
#199 ·
On a lighter note, every man on this forum has lied to his wife, "oh, it tastes great, no your butt dosn't look big in those jeans, I love a double chin."

And wives ? Your the best lover ever, its really a bit too big, I'm coming, your the sweetest man in the world etc. etc, ad nauseum.
 
#200 ·
This is true Chapparal, but in her case, now that the cat is well and truly out the bag she can't say "I don't know who they were" as the 'who' is very likely to come out.

She just has to hope that he does not punch the snot out of these two guys.

Am I just being alarmist here?

It just seems that with his track record this could be a problem.

Is there anything people could suggest to help OP stop him going down this route if it seems likely?

He's just had his heart ripped out, the last thing he needs is to be arrested for assault.
 
#203 · (Edited)
I think we need to all calm down and allow D GEE's H time to get through this initial phase. It simply is not useful to be Monday morning quarterbacks. She may know her H, but she is also very emotional and talking on very hyperbolic terms. And, he has never had to deal with such a situation. So it may not be over yet.

Remember she was able to keep silent for this long and I think if she realized should could have continued her silence she would have never come to TAM asking for help. So I for one don't find it is helpful to D GEE to browbeat the issue any longer. We need to put it to rest and focus on D GEE and her H and what they are going through. Their marriage may not survive, but I for one would like to help as much as I can. to give glimmer of hope. Let's just try to refocus the attention back to them. Please.

D GEE,

Please come back even for the little things. It will be a long painful road. And, I will say again, I would hope that this 20+ year marriage can survive. Time will be both your friend and at times your foe.
 
#208 ·
Remember she was able to keep silent for this long and I think if she realized should could have continued her silence she would have never come to TAM asking for help. So I for one don't find it is helpful to D GEE to browbeat the issue any longer. We need to put it to rest and focus on D GEE and her H and what they are going through. Their marriage may not survive, but I for one would like to help as much as I can to give advice for that glimmer of hope. Let's just try to refocus the attention back to them. Please.

D GEE,

Please come back even for the little things. It will be a long painful road. And, I will say again, I would hope that this 20+ year marriage can survive. Time will be both your friend and at times your foe.
:iagree:
 
#204 ·
Quest. II. What causes will excuse us from confessing wrongs to others?

Answer. 1. When full recompense may be made without it and no forgiveness of the wrong is necessary from the injured, nor any of the aforesaid causes require it. 2. When the wrong is secret and not known to the injured party, and the confessing of it would but trouble his mind, and do him more harm than good. 3. When the injured party is so implacable and inhumane that he would make use of the confession to the ruin of the penitent, or to bring upon him greater penalty than he deserveth. 4. When it would injure a third person who is Interested in the business, or bring them under oppression and undeserved misery. 5. When it tendeth to the dishonour of religion, and to make it scorned because of the fault of the penitent confessor. 6. When it tendeth to set people together by the ears, and breed dissension, or otherwise injure the commonwealth or government. 7. In general, it is no duty to confess our sin to him that we have wronged, when, all things considered, it is like in the judgment of the truly wise, to do more hurt than good for it is appointed as a means to good, and not to do evil.
 
#207 ·
You're quoting the Puritans? I think we've come a little too far for that rhetoric. If you want an apropriate quote try this: Sins, like chickens, come home to roost - Charles W. Chestnutt

The truth is that D Gee should have told her husband when it happened. Now that everything has comeout (as it always does) she will have to deal with the aftermath of her actions with the addition of a 15 year lie as a cherry on top of that crap sundae. Now it is all up to her husband. If he gives her the opening to save her marriage she needs to be 100% truthful and transparent.
 
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