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I need help.

81K views 270 replies 61 participants last post by  kindi 
#1 ·
15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
 
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#211 ·
She didn't do the right thing. She did the only thing she was able to do. Everything she has done, including her recent confession, has been for the purpose of saving face. She wouldn't have admitted to having sex with multiple men simultaneously if she didn't know he was about to find out.
 
#209 ·
D Gee, there's no second guessing, forget that, you're committed to battle now; you either fight your way out or your marriage dies.

This is a firefight; you don't have the luxury of reconsideration, digging a hole and hiding, or waiting for the cavalry to come save you, this is the real deal, shoot to kill, save your ammo, keep your head down and watch your back and listen to your team leader (your husband). If he says move, you move, if he says quiet, you become a mouse, if he says he needs a sitrep (situation report), you give it to him and your life (the life of your marriage) depends on it's accuracy.

I know you're stressed, and I know the Xanax helps, but don't let it dull you're senses too much; careful with that or you won't be on your 100% game.

Don't depend too much on the counselor either, it's good you went to one, but, as you've seen, a counselor isn't a magician.

And as WyshIknew mentioned, the "who" thing is a major concern; I was worried about that. I know if it was me I would go after Eric first, for having the audacity to call and threaten my wife, and the other two guys only if they knew me at the time they did what they did (believe it or not).

There are a lot of people on here who know how to help a WS try to reconcile (that's not my strong suit); I'd listen to them.

I'm guessing the two main hurdles your husband needs to contend with initially would be...
  1. My wife did two guys one night (who is this woman I married?)
  2. What else has she done (what don't I know?)
And then there's an unimaginably long list of thoughts that will follow.

Hang in there, I'm sorry for you both. Remember, what you're feeling right now is incomparable to what your husband is feeling.

T
 
#210 ·
I think, and this is only me, you might have gotten away with having sex with one guy----but admitting you took on 2 guys at once----it's just a whole different ballgame-----its like you just wanted to be a sponge and let allcomers have at you

It matters not that you claim, you were drunk, and you were taken by raging hormones---your H, ain't gonna understand that----in his mind you were a punching bag for 2 guys---his wife---the women he loved, the mother of his children---takes on all comers-----THAT IS WHAT HIS SUB--CONSCIOUS IS SCREAMING AT HIM

Also whether you want to face it or not---he now has visions of multiple men, crawling all over you, probably doing multiple acts at the same time-------YOUR H, is very likely in a state of MAJOR SHOCK, and his sub--conscious is now running wild

In all honesty hiding this from him till now is the worse thing you could have done---had you told him, right away----the 2 of you still had small kids, and that would have figured into his thinking about whether to stay or go----that NO LONGER IS A FACTOR----so his decision, is gonna be based on whether he can ever tolerate you again---whether he wants to touch you/look at you/talk to you, EVER AGAIN

It matters not how it was presented---it was WHAT was presented to him, and what was presented is the FACT that his wife that he has loved all this time, was just a punching bag, sex wise, for multiple men---- I ain't sure you can overcome that------it is a whole different ballgame than you having sex one on one, with one man.
 
#212 ·
Ok, you've answered the first of his questions. He is in shock and he now needs time to process the shock. It's true that he will never view you the same as he did, but you never viewed him the same after your threesome did you? He was always the full husband, and you were the wild one who took on took guys.

Now he is adjusting to the truth. It was truth that you put into motion 15 years ago, and it is truth that he was going to find out.from you or from someone else. This is your very best chance of saving your marriage.

You did good by telling the truth. Now give him space, and when he does ask questions answer them truthfully. Your honestly will work in your favor in the end.

No one said this was going to be easy. It's going to hard, but you will come out of without the dark secret test you've been hiding.
 
#215 · (Edited)
I suppose getting caught (or soon to be) can make one seem remorseful. But I wouldnt say this is true remorse.

From her first post she still remembers the "incredible passion". Someone who regretted her action for 15 years would not remember it as incredible passion after 15 years. I would expect any and all related feelings to be repugnant.

Most likely, as another had stated, she had revisited that event in her mind many times with fondness. It has now been seared into her head as an incredible time.
 
#221 ·
Hi all,
Andy and I and our daughters had dinner together tonight. We met at a restaurant we often frequent. He briefed the girls on our problems last night. He said that both of them seemed to be content with knowing just general stuff. No details. They each called me and texted me after his talk. Very emotional phone calls. They seem to be very supportive of both of us. Our youngest daughter has a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday. She's a budding model and is constantly working on enhancing her portfolio. She's never wanted me to attend her previous shoots. But she asked me and her sister to come to this one.

As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.
 
#223 ·
Hi all,


As some of you have already warned, Andy seems committed to knowing DETAILS. What positions I was in. What the guys were saying. What I was saying. If I orgasam'd. How many times they orgasam'd. I seriously don't see how any of that will help. I HONESTLY don't remember most of that. But I know he wants answers, and he won't accept "I don't remember". It's almost like he is forcing me to lie.
Has he asked for the names of the two men? If so give them.

It is acceptable to say to him, I was very very drunk, and I honestly don't recall. It was a blur. It was a viscous nasty betrayal, and I'm sorry for doing it. I must have enjoyed it enough to do it, but I don't remember details, just a blur. I will tell you what I do recall, but it's been 15 years and it's very fuzzy. I can say it wasn't something that I did ever again, so it wasn't like it's something I've ever wanted again.
 
#222 ·
her husband deserves the truth.

he hopefully now has it.

The truth is the marriage ended when she cheated with two guys - it's been running for the last 15 on lies and deception. Despite her claims to the contrary, she changed when she cheated and did a threeway with the two dudes. No one could have done that and not become a different person. The husband married one woman, he's been living for 15 with another.

He now has the truth that he is deserved and he has the chance to evaluate the woman who wants to be with him, if he'll have her. She made her choice 15 years ago, now it's his choice to make.

This situation is absolutely tragic. A good father and husband should never have to deal with this kind of betrayal. No one should.

There is the fundamental issue that we have not discussed, and that is the kind of person the OP was 15 years ago that let her agree to have sex with two men. she had 3 kids and a husband, and even drunk she knew that what she was choosing was absolutely wrong. Yet she chose it.

To the OP, If I were you I would seek out and emphasize the changes you've made in yourself in the last 15, and all the good things you done for your husband in the last 15 as well. Show him that after such a horrible betrayal with two men, than you changed and became faithful and committed to him.

Now, if in the last 15 you weren't focused on making him the happiest man alive, for example if you've denied him sex, especially recently cut him off and made excuses, then you've got a major hurdle to overcome, because if he's felt like you've been a great wife, it's likely he will forgive and stay.

If on the other hand, you had a night of passion with two guys, and then came home an treated him badly and denied him sex, then he's not a happy camper to start with.
 
#224 ·
Don't lie, no matter hard it is to retell. I know you may not remember every detail but try your best to give him as much as you recall. And, put it to him just like that. It may be horribly degrading to have to recall this to him, but you need to and for your sake do so with remorse. As long as the remorse is genuine. No more faking and no more lies - has to be the way if you want a chance.

You have a lot of repair to do on your part. Thank you for the update and take care.
 
#227 ·
The good news is he's giving you a chance. Don't blow it.

I like Shaggy's suggestion as it is probably the truth. Include that you are ashamed of your actions on that night and remind him that if he recalls, to this very day, you never again went out with your cousin or any other girls to a dance club.
 
#230 ·
Here's the deal. You DO remember. As a matter of fact, you remember it in great detail. The question is, are you going to tell him the details or just claim "I don't know". Which by the way, I can tell you from experience, he will resent you way more when he finds out the truth. Just ask my wife who is on the forums here. She hid the truth that she didn't think I could handle for 6 months. Guess what? When she finally had the balls to tell me, it brought me back to Dday. I got to start building my trust from the beginning.

Don't do it to him. You know what the f you did. Hell, you told us how nice the guys were and how polite they acted. You know. Don't play us.
 
#231 · (Edited)
D Gee, our imaginations tend to run buck ass wild upon Dday, and it can get quite imaginative. In this case, the fact that there are 2 OMs at the same time and I can't even begin to imagine where his thoughts are right now. The deepest, darkest pits of Hell would be my best guess. Telling the details may actually help him as they may not be as awful as the picture his imagination is painting for him .

However, he needs to understand that if this is what he truly wants, it's a bell that can NEVER be un-rung.

Ever.
 
#232 ·
3putt,

You are brilliant. Exactly.

I never got this from my ex. She never expressed or felt remorse for what she had done. She didn't want to reconcile even though I wanted to at first. She refused to give me any details. Consequently even though we divorced I could not move on.

Eventually I remarried but I carried that hurt and mistrust into my current marriage. I never got closure. I addressed these trust issues with my wife and she encouraged me to contact my ex to try to get questions answered, to try to get closure. I found my ex was still as bitter and uncaring as the last time we spoke. But seeing this did give me closure.

D Gee, your husband must have closure whether you stay together or not. Otherwise he can never get his mind around what he has just learned. He needs answers to get that closure. Please help him and hopefully help yourself in the process.
 
#234 ·
3putt,
You are brilliant. Exactly.
Hardly brilliant bfree, just a little wiser in the underbelly world of adultery. I would trade that accumulated "wisdom" in a second to erase the mental movies and pain I have suffered over the years because of 2 infidelities.

I used to be ignorant to these types of boards existence. Wish I still were but, glad they're here.

Then again, if I had known sooner about the online help available I may not have gone through all I have to begin with.

Hindsight's a painful beeyotch!!

:slap:
 
#233 ·
What happened that night doesn't look like like the porn movie he has on his head. At All. And he already has the mind movies only he's filling the gaps wioth his imagination.
Imagine... double BJ, then spit roast, then DP, then double... then double... then... for hours and hours... and he hear the voices and he see your face...

Tell him the truth. Be gentle, be caring but truthfull.

Get a couple of bags in case anyone needs to puke.
 
#236 ·
Remember this happened 15 years ago for you, but for him, it happened yesterday (not literally), but it might as well have. So I can understand his not accepting "I don't remember". The best way to remember, is to put it on paper. I am old school and I think it has more meaning if get away from any electronic device and get out pen and paper and put down on paper, literally. The brain has a way of working memory magic when we use our hands.

This also gives him a hard copy copy and what he does with it, is up to him. Simply my advice.
 
#238 ·
You may not remember each and every tiny detail, as to exact positioning, and small things that happened in your sexual acts----but I am very sure it is burned indelibly, on your mind---how you got to that point---and do not say it was a mistake---cuz it wasn't---it was a series of choices made by you------it was a series of choices, made knowing you were a mother of young children, and had a good H, at home, yet those choices that were bent on ruining the mge, and the lives of your kids were made---so do not try to downplay what you did

Right here on this site you have given us some detail----and you better believe you know, what kind of satisfaction you got, and how it was achieved, if there was long drawn out foreplay---how much passion was involved-----you know all of those things---how do I know you know them---CUZ THEY HAVE BEEN THE FESTERING CANCER OF YOUR GUILT FOR 15 LONG YEARS-----you know what happened, and you know detail---so stop lying to us, and don't lie to your H.

His sub--conscious needs to fill in the gaps, so his imagination stops running wild on him------this IS PART OF HIS HEALING PROCESS----stop being selfish, and start being selfless, you answer each and every question that comes your way, even if it is asked a hundred times---YOU ANSWER, and you do it happily, in fact you should be down on your knees, humbly thanking any and everyone---that your H, went to dinner with you.

Also he may wanna know, why you found it necessary as a wife, and mother, to go out carousing with your GF, ignoring the fact that you had taken SACRED VOWS, to be his wife truly and forever, which you threw away real quick, as you went out dancing with other men, which led to all of this.

All of this needs to go out on the table---if you want ANY CHANCE OF HAVING A DECENT R----

You might get the barebones attempt at R, and you might get what I am not sure you deserve, that being a full out 2nd chance------do not screw it up, by lying and telling him you don't remember---cuz you better believe you DO REMEMBER.
 
#239 ·
D gee, this is what I would suggest. Talk to your BS and ask him to give you a week to write out a detailed time line of what occurred that night. Also, make him aware of what I said about unringing the bell when it comes to getting this kind of info. Hopefully he will step back and take a serious look at just what he needs to know to make a decision on what he wants to do.

In the mean time, you start writing (in your own handwriting, not typewritten) and divulge everything that happened. Don't pull any punches and convince yourself you can get away with this or that because you didn't tell your cousin (?) everything. Do it because it's the right thing to do. I can't imagine the last the last 15 years of your life have been too fun to live carrying around this burden and baggage. This isn't just about his healing, but about yours as well.

What's done is done. You can't change the past, but you can change the future from this point forward....but it all falls on if you're a big enough person to realize enough is enough of living like this.

It's up to you. You've done things so wrong for so long. Wouldn't you like to look in the mirror in the not so distant future and realize the person that you have been for so long doesn't exist anymore?

The truth truly does set you free.
 
#240 ·
I'm not taking a position on how far to go with the details, I don't know where you draw the line. I do know that truth and details aren't one and the same, there's the truth about having infidelity and then there's the truth about the details.

A betrayed spouse will want to dig to the core of the details, but regardless of how far you go, it'll never be enough; what they think they need to know isn't necessarily what they really Need to know. And this is the dilemma, how do you tell a BS that this is as far as the details need to go, it's impossible, you can't, they don't have any clue about how much is too much information, they want it all; but "it all" will take it's toll on them psychologically.

I'll give a few examples and let you decide for yourself, like I said, I don't know where the detail line is...
  • A fighter pilot knows, conceptually, that he killed people, but in the debrief he isn't given a graphic account of what damage he caused at an individual level, he's spared the permanent psychological damage of knowing that he just (for example) removed the head and legs of a 4 year old girl in a light blue dress playing outside.
  • A firefighter doesn't go home, and explain in graphic detail, to his wife about the charred remains of a family.
  • A police officer doesn't tell the family of a car accident victim the gory details of what he witnessed at the scene.
  • An EMT doesn't come home every night to tell his wife what it's like to hold someones body together while they race to the hospital.

When's the last time you've seen a picture of a train derailment or plane crash in which you saw the graphic, gory mess of body parts strewn all over the place?

We all have a duty to protect ourselves and our loved ones from things that are so heinous as to cause permanent psychological damage, post traumatic stress disorder is a real thing, and it doesn't just happen in combat.

Like I said, I don't have the answer, but I feel compelled to offer a counter balance to the discussion of details.

T
 
#241 ·
Honestly, his imagination is creating an amalgamation of every three way porn film he has ever scene, the girl is enthralled in the deepest most passionate sex ever. When either guy touches her she is in ecstasy. Everything both guys do is perfect and beyond the ability of mere normal men who only inspire their wife to lie there and do her duty.

You need to dispel this crap from his head
 
#242 ·
Chapparal, I think D GEE might benefit from your wayward spouse thing that you sometimes put up.
It might give her a clue as to what her husband is going through and what she needs to do.
 
#243 ·
What kind of milquetoast man could take back a woman that let 2 men fcuk her at the same time? My mind reels at the thought.

Is there ANYTHING that is a dealbreaker anymore?
 
#244 ·
Well actually reading the thread I notice that;

A. He has not as yet taken her back.

B. From her description of her hubby he confronted a man who tried to get inappropriate with her some time ago. Hardly a 'milquetoast'.
 
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