15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.
15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.
I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
As far as the details, I think it's good for her to write it down but only for herself. He should not have it to look at when ever he wants.
Plus the details will need to be told in a homogenized way. Truth, yes, but kinda dumbed down.
Every guy has seen porn threesomes and right now that's what he imagines. We all know that actual sex is rarely like a porn movie and I'm sure D Gees event was not as smooth and perfectly pornographic as a movie. He needs to hear the ways he is wrong about it. I'm sure it was awkward and not as great as an imagination would suggest.
These no way to make this ok but you can make it worse if your not careful.
As far as the details, I think it's good for her to write it down but only for herself. He should not have it to look at when ever he wants.
Plus the details will need to be told in a homogenized way. Truth, yes, but kinda dumbed down.
Every guy has seen porn threesomes and right now that's what he imagines. We all know that actual sex is rarely like a porn movie and I'm sure D Gees event was not as smooth and perfectly pornographic as a movie. He needs to hear the ways he is wrong about it. I'm sure it was awkward and not as great as an imagination would suggest.
These no way to make this ok but you can make it worse if your not careful.
This is what he is imagining. We all would. And the thought of his loving wife, partner and mother of his children being used like that, as a toy by TWO men, must be painful beyond words.
[*]A firefighter doesn't go home, and explain in graphic detail, to his wife about the charred remains of a family.
[*]A police officer doesn't tell the family of a car accident victim the gory details of what he witnessed at the scene.
[*]An EMT doesn't come home every night to tell his wife what it's like to hold someones body together while they race to the hospital.
[/LIST]
The firefighter did not have an affair at the fire.
The police officer did not have an affair at the accident scene.
EMT was not banging his OW in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
Would you like to continue comparing apples to oranges?
Might not be a bad idea. He will of course hear from some who will advise him to end the marriage due to your betrayal. But he will also hear from many who will help him to work through his anger, grief and PTSD. There are many reconciliation threads on TAM and people that have been through it. At this point what have you got to lose.
Woman is minimizing even here... Doesn't remember... Right... Cuz you are going to forget about the night where you got banged by two dudes at the same time!
Unless, of course, that's a so common occurrence that it gets fuzzy! I'm willing to think this is not the case and that you will remember anything you need to remember.
, I think you need to frame your answers in a way that it allows him to know the facts without completely killing his image of his wife.
Yes, one is hurting because he was cheated on. The other is hurting because she had to confess to something she believed for 15 years she got away with! So, let us also not get overboard with the feel good stuff and avoid feeding the entitlement fantasy that was surely built all these years.
The only reason her husband gets a chance to now decide if he wants to be with this sort of woman is because she was cornered.
Make no mistake, if it was her husband instead of her here i would personally advise him to seriously consider dumping her and get a DNA test for all his kids.
While i can be swayed to try and help a remorseful cheater who screwed up and owned up to her/his sh!t immediately (see Tears thread for example) i have no sympathy for someone who lies for 15 years and basically steals someone's life like that.
You know...if this was about her cheating with one dude 15 years ago, as her husband, I would be crushed and most likely be able to eventually get past it. I would rake her over the coals and I would suffer for a long time.
But...her cheating with 2 dudes is just sl utty and I would be really hard pressed to even look at her again. And if I did have to look at her again I would behave so badly I would hate myself.
So...if this guy manages to work this out with DeGee, he is a better man than me. And I do believe a great man could get past this because I actually believe she loves him and has been a sincerely good wife with an ability to compatmentalize sex and love in two different drawers. The problem is, I'm not that good of a man, my mind would eat me alive.
And I seriously don't believe she can't remember the details. Her saying this makes me think it was not her first threesome. She must have been very active before Andy.
Hey, maybe Andy knows she was pretty wild and he's not all that surprised that she did the threesome. If this is true then maybe he can work through it.
It all depends on Andy and his knowledge of his wife.
Well, I'm sure Andy is going through hell right now.
I agree with the people who commented about the magnitude of it being a threesome, that really has to be an unbearable image for a spouse. It was hard for me to imagine the woman I love kissing and touching another man, but at least it was in the realm of feasibility. But two men? Beyond comprehension. I would've felt like I didn't know what was real in the world anymore, I would've questioned everything in my life at that point. It would seem to me that, if I missed something this outrageous, what else have I misjudged in my life, not just with my wife, but with everything.
she is not coming back: her BH might be just rug sweeping
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