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I need help.

81K views 270 replies 61 participants last post by  kindi 
#1 ·
15 years ago I made a huge mistake that has come back to haunt me. My cousin (Toni) and I used to love to go out dancing. Our husbands were not interested in the dance club scene, so it was not at all unusual for me and Toni to get together without our hubbies on a Saturday night and hit a few dance clubs. Although we would always get “hit-on” by guys at the clubs, neither one of us had any intent but to have a good time dancing. We both were usually very good at minimizing our alcohol consumption, but one night we both felt that we were just a little too drunk to drive so we decided to call a cab for a ride home. Prior to the cab arriving we ran into two guy friends that I had gone to high school with. (Tom and Jim) I introduced them to Toni, and we began chatting. When we told them that we had called a cab, they offered to give us a ride home. Since I hadn’t seen them in a long time we decided to accept their offer so that we could continue to catch-up on old times. We dropped Toni off at her house, and we started to drive to my house. At some point (the alcohol made this horrible decision for me) I started kissing Tom. As Tom and I were making-out, Jim pulled the truck into a car wash and before I knew what was happening, I was making-out with both of them. I must say, both of them were incredibly polite and asked me several times if I was OK with what was happening. We decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I ended up spending the next hour or so having sex with both of them. The incredible passion of the moment combined with the alcohol blinded my sense of reality. A couple days later I found Toms phone number in the phone book and called him to explain that what happened was a horrible mistake. And I begged him to get in touch with Jim and to forget the night ever happened. I never saw or heard from either one of them since that night. I also called my cousin Toni and told her about the whole thing. That was the last time I ever discussed it. Unfortunately, Toni told her husband Eric every detail of that evening. Including their names. It turns out that Eric knew both of the guys pretty well. He played college football with Jim.

15 years later (3 months ago), Toni filed for divorce from Eric. The divorce is extremely ugly. Eric is an alcoholic and also very violent. 2 weeks ago I was at her house when he showed up and began kicking all the doors and banging on the windows. I told him that I was calling the police, but I didn’t. He got in his car and drove away. The next day Eric called me at work and told me I was filthy. He told me that he had just gotten in touch with one of the guys (Jim) from that night 15 years ago, and that he gave him every morbid detail of that night. He also threatened to tell my husband about everything.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten much sleep in the past 2 weeks. I keep reliving that night. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat. I keep vomiting. I’ve called off work for the past 4 days. My husband keeps begging me to go to the doctor. I no longer trust my cousin’s support on anything. I need good advice. I love my husband and don’t want to break this marriage up. However if he finds out about that night, I don’t know that he’ll believe me if I deny that it happened. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve never used an on-line forum for advise before, but I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
 
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#3 · (Edited)
I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is to seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely.

My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out a single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.
 
#4 ·
I will give some warning and don't take this wrong you are about to hear a lot of responses some hurtful and some not. Don't leave after being barraged with a plethora of responses. Your task is seriously consider all the advice, most of which will be good and use it wisely.

My simple advice, tell your H everything now about that night. Do not leave out single detail. better you than Eric. Oh and don't hide under the cover of being inebriated. It's sounds pathetic and alcohol did not make you cheat.
:iagree: the truth will out in the end...better to come from you.
 
#7 ·
Tell himTODAY. If you continued to go dancing without your husband he will have serious and understanable doubts about it being only one night.

What did you do to prevent that from ever happening again? If you took positive steps be sure to include them in your confession.

Be honest and tell him why you had to disclose this secret now.
 
#8 ·
1 man is probably forgivable..

But a 3 some with 2 guys.......I don't even know how you're going to talk your way out of that one.

So your marriage is 15 years based on a foundation of a huge lie. Well, that's how your husband is going to see it, nothing but a big lie the entire 15 years. Huge hurdle for you to overcome.

I can also see in those 15 years, it doesn't look like you've suffered much in terms of regret, it's the past and forgotten. We must be cut from the same cloth, water off a duck's back motto. Only when faced with the problem, we like to run off and hide instead of facing it. Wow, we really are cut from the same cloth.

Time to face your demon instead of hiding like a coward. Sometimes you gotta pay the price for your mistakes. Those that go take full responsibility and pay for them start to turn their lives around eventually. Those that keep on hiding and running, well they don't amount to much in the end.

Maybe you should have begged your husband 15 years ago to forgive you if you were that remorseful.

Sorry to be harsh but it's still all about you, so you don't get much sympathy from me.
 
#11 ·
So let me approach this as an oncologist might approach cancer treatment. If you allow Eric to tell your H, you will look like a cheat and a liar. At that point there is a 99.9% chance your marriage will be over. If you tell him everything NOW, you are just a cheater and there is a 90% probability that your marriage will be over. If you add the excuse that these were nice guys that will bring your failure probability up to 93%. Add in the alcohol as an excuse and your marriage has a 95% chance of failing. Reality, I am just making these numbers up, but you need to get the gist of my relative argument.

I'm sure, the way you describe Eric, he will out you. So choose your probability.
 
#12 ·
I just hope she doesn't do something stupid to try and cover this incident up. People in her position can be easily manipulated and with the cousin's STBXH holding alot of the cards, she could make a huge mistake even bigger.
 
#13 ·
None of us can hold her hand... Probably for the first time she has to make an adult decision. Basing on what she initially posted she may have been trying find a sliver hope that this would just go away or as you suggest find a way to cover it up.

D GEE, I hope you are still listening. We don't know the totality of your life but you need to come clean. I will be honest I hope your marriage can survive, but the road ahead will be very very hard.
 
#14 ·
My guess is you're trying to calculate the chances this guy will actually tell your husband.

Well, he's got a drinking problem, is abusive, pissed off, and sees you as a potential roadblock to reconciling with his wife. Not a good combination.

The fact this was 15 years ago will likely not soften the blow to your husband. He's going to spend a great deal of time wondering how many other times you'd done this, as well as feeling like a total chump for the past 15 years for not knowing, being lied to, and devoting himself to a woman he did not know.

I couldn't imagine what the chances are he'd forgive you, but I imagine they're considerably less if he finds out from someone else.
 
#15 ·
Maybe you can reverse blackmail the guy.

Tell him if he tells hubby you call the cops on him for being abusive to you and your friend and you'll throw in extra stuff that he supposedly did when he was tearing up the house including possibly sexually assaulting you.

This is war, and you can't pull any punches.
 
#17 ·
Wow, trying to blackmail an alcoholic. You're not going to win that battle. Plus making things up, how about telling the truth.

Purger myself to save my own ass, great idea. Maybe even get a short trip in jail and alot of time doing community service. Then comes the lawsuit for defamation of character. Oh, her husband will like that alot, now he's going to have to pay $$ to an alcoholic for a lie on top of the infidelity.

Great advice.

Stick to the truth.
 
#16 ·
How likely that your husband will run into Eric in the future?

How long have you been married?

Any kids? If so, what ages?

How happy would you say your husband is with you at this point in time?

How was your sex life with him back when you cheated? How about now?

Has your husband ever questioned your fidelity?

Did you continue to go out "dancing" with your cousing Toni after that incident?

Any other skeletons in your closet?
 
#30 ·
If he finds out and confronts you, maybe you could say "Yes I did it but that's only because you cheated on me!"

At which point, if he ever did in fact cheat on you he could say "Ok, we're even, let's just forget any of this ever happened". If he never did cheat on you he will say something like "What the heck are you talking about, I never cheated, I never would cheat on you, I love and respect you and your marriage and the thought never even entered my mind!" at which point you could say "Sorry I thought you did, never mind it won't happen again". Then give him great sex and hope it blows over.
 
#32 ·
When Eric tells your husband the truth you will find your marriage most certainly has ended. Because not only did you betray your husband in a horrible evil way 15 years ago , you and your cousin and Eric have betrayed him every day since by lying to him.

Your ONLY chance here is to come completely clean with your husband now, before Erik tells the truth to him. It will be much better coming from you than Eric.

You will need to get a polygraph to prove to your husband that this was the only time, because he isn't just going to believe you.

Also you can't even begin to know how emasculated this is going to make your husband feel. Not only did his wife cheat, but she pulled two guys that night, and she did it willingly by choice. Then she came home and lied to him for 15 years about it. Everyone around him knew that he was less of a man than you wanted , and he's lived the last 15 years as a cuckolded idiot.

Imagine, if he not only cheated but cheated with two girls.

Your choice to cheat and pull those guys 15 years ago is finally coming out. The truth is coming out, and if you have any love at all for your husband you will help him through the massive pain you chose to cause him.

My advice is get a polygraph to prove it was only once.
Then tell him and tell him the full truth,including the met hurtful things like how much more you appeared to have enjoyed them than him. I say that, because even now you write about the experience with such nice positive descriptive words its very clear you don't regret it, and you view it as the best sex you ever had. Which of course further humiliates your husband,

If what I write bothers you, realize that the above us what will be going through your husbands mind. He will be tortured with images of you bring used by the two guys, about you begging for more, and about you dreaming for them every time since then that you had sex with him.

You forever changed who you are when you made your choice.

Your husband has a right to know what you chose to do to him 15 years ago. There is no statute of limitations on the right to know the truth.

Please be honest with him. Further betrayal with more lies will hurt him even more. You owe him that much. You may not have loved him, and I say that because if you did love him you couldn't have chose what you did, but hopefully the last 15 years of him being faithful to you has earned him some kindness and carrying from you, so please help him through this.
 
#34 ·
This is a lose-lose-lose situation. Which way you lose and what it does to your life depends on what kind of human being you are. Either:

- You come clean and your H divorces you. We all see how that is a loss for you.

- You come clean and your H decides he will reconcile. We all see how that is a loss for him.

- You don't come clean and live a lie and in fear that your H will discover the truth one day. This is a loss for you primarily if you have an honorable side to you that will suffer from continuing to dupe your H.

I'm in the camp that thinks that once your H absorbs the shock and outrage about the threesome, it's the fact that this is a 15-yo betrayal that will bite the most.

I'm sorry. I actually find this very sad.

I advise telling your H, finally, the truth about that night. I somehow think that you will not do that.
 
#37 ·
As painful as it may be, you need to tell him.You need to confess and get the truth out, for him and your own mental health.

Its going to be harder for him, if he hears it from someone else. He is going to feel like your marriage for the last 15 years has been a lie.

If you have any chance at R you need to be open and honest as you can be, don't : trickle-truth, rug sweep or minimize anything.

The vast majority of BS want to know. To cheat is bad but to not tell or lie by omission makes it worse.Now the BS not only has a W that has cheated but one that is dishonest also.

I had an uncle who had a ONS when he was in his thirties 40 YEARS later his secret came out through his Sis-in-law (who was mad and knew of the A) and told the family. It caused a lot of turmoil in the family and he died a few months later of a massive hear attack ( True Story)

A few months ago in the news it was reported a ninety-year old man D his W, because he found love-letters his wife had and that she had an A during WW2. 60+ YEARS ago
 
#40 ·
I read that story as well, and they were both actually 99 years of age. I believe it was a British couple, but could be wrong.

Infidelity has no statute of limitations for the unknowing betrayed spouse.
 
#39 ·
D GEE, call that man's bluff! If you have never done anything like this before or since then just tell him to go f*ck himself. Be cool, be calm, be not bothered. Treat it like he is making it up and stick to it. I am giving advice on the premise that this was a one off incident and has never been repeated nor desired nor anything. if you have cheated periodically over the 15 years then my advice is wholely different and the same as all above posters.

I am a Betrayed. I would ALWAYS advise the truth. But in this case, I would never advise something that has been a complete anomoly in your life, dead and buried for 15 years and never to be repeated, to now cause total mayhem and destruction upon you and all you hold close and dear, and more importantly, all who hold you close and dear.

This man sounds like a loose cannon. And there is no way he 'chatted' to one of the men and he gave out all the details. It could have happened, but it is unlikely. He is most likely making it up to unsettle you. It could be true, but right now you need to formulate a plan.

He will not be believed if you can create some reason that he would hate you enough to tell this about you (I hate liars with a passion BTW. I cannot lie. I am honest to the n'th degree, and honesty is the only thing I hold above all else. But occasionally, rarely, lying is a survival necessity and I think given the circumstances, on the basis of one time only, you need to protect you and your family). But you cannot use anything to do with sex against him like a previous poster suggested. That could bring in all kinds of legal ramifications. Or revenge attacks from your husband to him.

Look, you behaved like a total ****, for a moment in time, and you must fix this and hold yourself together without ruining all around you. If using your cousin's husband's stupidity and self destruction against him is what it takes, that is what you need to do. Possible reasons? He never liked you; he is pissed because your cousin left him and is taking it out on everyone; he fancied you and is now trying to break you and hubby up; whatever! Whichever story you use, stick to it and make sure cousin's hubby cannot manipulate it.

But, and do not take this 'but' lightly, if it becomes a difficult lie to tell, if your hubby becomes more suspicious, if the questioning arises from your hubby and he doesn't accept your damage limitation....you HAVE to come clean. On everything that he asks. And when you come clean, do everything you can to help him get over it if that is what he wants. Come back here and get advice on what to do next, what to do to help your husband, and yet to do to help you.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't panic!
 
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#47 ·
But, and do not take this 'but' lightly, if it becomes a difficult lie to tell, if your hubby becomes more suspicious, if the questioning arises from your hubby and he doesn't accept your damage limitation....you HAVE to come clean. On everything that he asks. And when you come clean, do everything you can to help him get over it if that is what he wants. Come back here and get advice on what to do next, what to do to help your husband, and yet to do to help you.
Excellent post Remains, and I particularly like that last paragraph.

T
 
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#45 ·
Not good enough! You need to do this before Eric does. There is a good chance if he feels any animosity toward your family, you will lose the bluff.

BTW, those two guys were not nice guys... I am assuming they knew you were married. I don't care if they asked you if it was Ok... They made a poor choice along with you.

You finally have the opportunity to do the right thing.
 
#43 ·
This is a tough one.

I suppose I'll be tarred and feathered for this response, but this is one of those situations where you can't make matters better, only worse. So, my advice is based on compassion for your husband, not for you.

I wouldn't say a thing.

Regardless of who tells your husband, you or this other guy, it's all going to play out the same, your husbands life will be crushed, his heart destroyed, and your marriage finished. If you tell him, he'll know you only told him because you thought someone else was going to bust you out, and if the other guy tells him, you'll end up saying you struggled the past month with whether to tell him or not... what difference is it all going to make. None.

Keep quiet, suffer your own guilt on your own, don't drag your husband down with you. If you want to some day tell him, do so, but don't do it because your back is to the wall, do it because you know it's time to do the right thing and come clean.

What you're feeling right now, this is your suffering, this is the karma, it's the payment for your sin (and I don't mean that religiously). You will live with this uncertainty for a long time, you never know when someone will tell your husband, this is your hell, own it, don't ask your husband to take a bite of the apple, leave him alone, let him enjoy his life, his kids, the next graduation, don't drag your husband down with you.

If you were actively in an affair, I would say come clean and set your husband free, but you're not, it was 15 years ago, and assuming this was a one time thing (I have no way of knowing), then learn your lesson and do everything you can to make the rest of your husbands life the best that you can.

T
 
#44 ·
I agree with Tony55.

There is no easy answer. It was 15 years ago and you've managed a marriage with that in the background. So maybe it can continue.

Part of me thinks Don't tell him and take the secret to your grave. If Eric does not tell him, eventually this crisis will fade and you will shoulder the burden again. As a recent BS, I think it's better to probably better to spare him of the pain of betrayal than to let the truth be known.

If Eric tells him, just tell your H you were ashamed, weak and you didn't want to hurt him. Then beg for forgiveness and he may accept.
 
#49 · (Edited)
I agree with Tony55.

Part of me thinks Don't tell him and take the secret to your grave. If Eric does not tell him, eventually this crisis will fade and you will shoulder the burden again. As a recent BS, I think it's better to probably better to spare him of the pain of betrayal than to let the truth be known.

If Eric tells him, just tell your H you were ashamed, weak and you didn't want to hurt him. Then beg for forgiveness and he may accept.
With all due respect, I disagree with this completely. This has come to a point that it's not all about what was done, but the lack of honesty that has kept it undercover for 15 years. Infidelity is terrible enough, but the accompanying lies are BRUTAL! She has lived nothing but a life of lies in a house of cards. How she has slept peacefully all these years is beyond me. She must have known that sooner or later this would come to a head, especially when she chose to confide in whatever her name is.

If you're going to commit a crime, tell no one. But, I choose not to commit the crime, because there WILL come a time when you look back on your life and decisions, and pass judgment on yourself.

D Gee, I'm not saying this to put you down, but to implore you to start living your life the right way. You've obviously been dishonest with your BS and your family for quite some time, but the biggest regret you'll ever have will be that you have lied to yourself for most of your married life. I suspect you've been having these regrets and feelings for the better part of a decade and a half. Must be one helluva burden to carry all these years.

Regardless of the consequences, after all this time I would be relieved to unload that weight.

No matter what.
 
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