Ok, I wrote a template sort of. I don't plan on giving it as a letter, but rather having it in hand when we talk. We have the next several days off work and no kids will be around. I've collected myself a little, and I think it's time to address this so I can work at our future engagement, or work on separating. I bet lots of you will say it's too long. I agree, but it's just noted for me.
Please advise me! Is this dumb? Too much? Anything I missed? Thanks in advance for your help you guys. (And gals)
Usually I like to write pages and pages about how much I love and adore you, and how good you are to me.
While I most certainly still love you, I'm not sure about the other things anymore. Matter of fact, you could say I'm positive those things aren't true. I really appreciated the letter you gave me on Tuesday. Although I liked it tremendously, It wasn't what I expected to hear, or what I deserve to hear. I feel like you are trying to move away from the real issue at hand. Truth is, after all of our discussions about the matter, I still KNOW NOTHING NEW.
I thought about highlighting parts that I feel like you are rugsweeping or discounting our relationship issues, but decided to go ahead and write what I truly expected you to write and/or say to me, if you truly indeed are not having an inappropriate relationship with another woman.
First of all, I never questioned the fact that I am on your mind a lot. The hurtful truth is just that I'm not the only one. I'm not your one and only. That's the reason you say, "you know you're my one and only" as often as you do. You're either trying to convince me, or yourself. I guess it really doesn't matter who. But as I said: here is what a truly remorseful person would have written. Someone who really is telling the truth (which you're still not) so here it goes:
Please. I beg of you. Believe that I care nothing for no one else in the manner I care for you. Not even slightly. Not even a tinge of romantic or otherwise inappropriateness for another person. Please believe me! What can I do to prove to you I don't care for anyone else? There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Please let me prove it to you. How can I prove to you I don't care? I will find the texts myself. I will show all of them to you. I do not want your head filled with doubt.
I apologize for even placing doubt there in the first place. I should have realized how you felt about this sort of thing the first time it all happened. I should have learned from that, but I didn't!
I have put another woman in your place. I check her facebook a lot. I know I contradict myself in the fact that one day I tell you I rarely talk to her, it's a once in while type thing, and in the next breath I am telling you I must check up on her facebook page if I don't hear from her because I am so consumed with fear as to what might be wrong with the girl. It's become a problem.
End of message. . .
But you cannot say or write any of those things. Because it doesn't occur to you to say them. Because it's all lies with you, all the time. You could never tell me the truth. The truth mixes with you like oil with water.
You're terrified of me seeing the messages. That's why you delete them in the first place! If there was nothing wring or inappropriate about the texts, you would have never gone to such great lengths to get rid if them, hide them, and never mention the relationship to me. Never.
You shouldn't be turning to another woman.
I cannot understand why in gods name you cannot understand why it's so inappropriate or why it hurts me.
Another fact is that you absolutely have no respect for me. You didn't have any when I told you I felt uncomfortable with you texting (her name), yet you continued to do so. . And you've continued to do that even after you've known it upsets me.
The only conclusion I can draw from all of it is that you couldn't care any less about my feelings. You'll continue to inappropriately engage in emotional relationships with another woman even though it hurts me.
You hide it well. You also allow her to undermine our relationship and publicly disrespect me on a public forum. She plays you well, just as you play me.
But I never play you, yet you hold allegiance to her. That's fine if that's what you want. But you cannot have me too, I'm sorry. You'll have to continue your other relationship that loves all the drama. I don't love drama, and I don't want to be a part of it any longer.
You have NEVER taken ownership about this specifically. You've never apologized to me about this specifically. You are enthralled with another woman. Slice it any way you want. You call it 'worried', I call it 'enthralled'. You've never said you felt wrong about talking to her about anything, ever: yet you delete texts and hide the relationship? But if it's not wrong, why hide it? You say, "I don't know" YES YOU DO KNOW. You should have admitted it to me by now. You refuse to. It's hurtful.
Our relationship is not a relationship I want to have carrying on like this. Me having to worry about who you are carrying on with in an emotional capacity is hurtful. I don't want to live like that! Your highest of highs, lowest of lows, feelings, etc. belong to your partner. No one else. I get to share those things with you, no one else does. That's what a relationship is. She has her own friends to go to. Or boyfriends. But you are attached to her. Obviously. It has broken my heart, there's no way to repair the damage. You refuse to anyway. You're giving a part of yourself to another woman that is not me.
This shouldn't be happening so early on in our relationship. Ten years down the road I could see having maybe ONE problem like this. But there's been too much deceit, and this early on, on top of it. It's a pattern with you, I am convinced you'll continually do it. That you NEED to do it. You cannot help yourself.
You know what that tells me? That I'm not enough for you. Otherwise you wouldn't do it. You need other people, you aren't getting what you need from me. That's obvious. That's why you're constantly saying that I am your one and only. You're trying to convince yourself.
I'm already convinced its not true. I have some of the proof in front of me. The rest you won't admit to.
So, you have the power to solve this. Hook up your computer in front of me. Plug your phone into iTunes in front of me, and back up your files in front of me. I can find the file that contains the deleted texts and I can read them.
If you truly have nothing to hide, you'll do it. If you refuse to do it, I'll know you do indeed have something to hide. And you can count on this: I will be done. I won't allow you to stand in front of God and all of the people in our lives that we care about and LIE. Forsaking all others for me. That's not true. I can't do it, I won't allow it. It hurts to the depths of my soul. It hurts too much. And I will begin shutting myself down and rebuilding my wall. You will never have all of me. The same way I don't have all of you.
So, prove yourself to me, or lose me.