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Friends of the Opposite Sex

17K views 143 replies 39 participants last post by  PieceOfSky 
#1 ·
Hi all,

Super new to the forum.

I have a sort of 'poll' I guess you could say.

Do you think it's appropriate for your spouse or SO to comfort a friend of the same sex all the time? For them to be that friends 'go-to' for a problem or for your SO to be the person who knows exactly what to say to calm them and make everything ok? Say, 3 times a week or more.

That's the type of scenario I'm talking about. Curious to hear your thoughts....
 
#5 ·
My SO has a friend of the opposite sex who he regularly comforts on all matters, not just relationship problems. She says "he knows exactly what I need to hear, even when I freak out for no reason" type thing

Which leads me to believe they're a lot closer than he told me. He made it seem she was older & engaged. She's not. That they speak infrequently. The quote above indicates otherwise in my opinion.
 
#6 ·
I feel strongly that when one is dating/ an item/ engaged....before they ever walk down the aisle....that all opposite sex friends are in for a change in the relationship -if it was free reign before...they now must face that their friend is "taken" and respect their new partner, seeing them as "one"... if they get together, do it as a couple in the future.

If such friends can not handle this, treating the other half with such respect... they need to go. Period. But this takes the person with that said friend to set up those boundaries forsaking all others for the relationship, so if a BF / GF can not do this.... it's a "red flag"... it's boundary crossing really.

If there is physical attraction between 2 said "friends" and they get off alone... something could easily spring here , most especially if a little trouble is brewing at home.

All our emotional devotion, our deepest secrets, our highest highs, our lowest lows should be brought to our lover ~ their being our closest & dearest friend.
 
#7 ·
You are right to be wary of this relationship. For your long-term future (you didn't say how long you've been dating), the dynamics of this relationship eventually has to change.

If she is just a friend (there was never any romantic relationship) and he considers you to be a potential serious relationship, out of respect for your feelings and the relationship, he should introduce the two of you like he would introduce any other friend of his. He should also be letting you know when he is in contact with her. In other words, if the two of you are going to be "one", he needs to be bringing you into the circle. If she is a true friend of his and has his best interest at heart, she will understand and accept this. If she is resistant, she is using her neediness to access him. And he is getting some thrill by being her knight in shining armor.

Some guys get a real ego trip playing this role, but keeping it separate and secret is a problem. Depending on where you are in your relationship with him, you can't expect this to happen immediately, but you should be feeling like he is trying to move her toward a friendship with her.

If, on the other hand, the two of them have had a past romantic relationship or there is big resistance to bringing you in, it should be brought to a close.

Good luck
 
#9 ·
She is is ex gf sister.
He informed me that she was there for him thru that breakup.
He told me they are friends, but never mentioned they text regularly.
He also told me she was older, she is not. She is 19. He's 23, I am 33. I been round the block. I understand there's female friends. But to a certain extent. For him to know her well enough to know exactly what she needs to hear makes me uncomfortable at best. Especially since he downplayed the relationship I. The first place.

Especially since I've asked him if he has any female friends he speaks to regularly and the answer is no.

I feel if he wanted us to meet, it would have happened by now. We've been together a year and recently moved in together.

I have male friends, but not to the extent I talk to them daily. On Facebook a happy bday or how's the family? Type things.

Love all the responses. Thank you so much!!
 
#54 ·
She is is ex gf sister.
He informed me that she was there for him thru that breakup.
He told me they are friends, but never mentioned they text regularly.
He also told me she was older, she is not. She is 19. He's 23, I am 33. I been round the block. I understand there's female friends. But to a certain extent. For him to know her well enough to know exactly what she needs to hear makes me uncomfortable at best. Especially since he downplayed the relationship I. The first place.

Especially since I've asked him if he has any female friends he speaks to regularly and the answer is no.

I feel if he wanted us to meet, it would have happened by now. We've been together a year and recently moved in together.

I have male friends, but not to the extent I talk to them daily. On Facebook a happy bday or how's the family? Type things.

Love all the responses. Thank you so much!!
That's all wrong.

He lied for one thing and the age gap is massive. Don't think it isn't. He is obviously operating with a different set of behavior parameters to you. Like a child.

And she is only 19. Her head is probably full of Twilight etc.
 
#11 ·
I understand. He's not your average 23 year old. Believe me, I have mulled over this more than I can count.
It's a long story.
We've discussed out relationship inward and outward countless times. Believe it or not, we're more than compatible.
I have my concerns about our age difference, but this sort of thing isn't unheard of, it can work.
It's just that different challenges are going to present themselves than if I were with a man of my age or older. Been both of those places, and this one has worked out far better than ever.
He's an incredible man&provider, and is not your typical 23 year old.
 
#14 ·
My son is 22 and he is in an established relationship of 2 years and yes he does have female friends from his past, naturally there was mutually supportive behavior during high school years that did not involve dating. This is just the way it is.

I'm seeing someone and I already decided I don't want to have any control over his choices of who he has a relationship with and what it entails. So long as it's not used as a way to hurt me, which some people such as my ex, did use his relationships with OW to hurt, manipulate, deceive me, for purposes of his psychological addiction to doing this (yes, a misogynist.)

If the intention isn't to hurt me, it's unlikely I'm going to be hurt. I have male friends, I go to dinner with them, I dance with them, I discuss things with them. Yes, they would probably like to date me but they understand that it wouldn't work out. I have abnormal needs in terms of being met intellectually, I have tried to partner-down and it didn't work, I tried to partner across into a different field and it didn't work. I tried to partner up when I was younger in terms of age/world experience and that didn't work either (H turned out to be an idiot business wise and alcoholic tendencies as well, whereupon he would tell the same joke to the same people at different dinner parties, that sort of thing...just wrong...and wrong...) Plus he wasn't confident, which made him prey to outside female influences, which in our line of business was a liability. He couldn't tell when he was being played. Thank God he married a Finn who was able to deal with him, handle his drinking, and make sure he paid his child support (she still sends $ every month to our son, who is in college, which isn't necessary, but it sure does help him out...)

Hmmm, maybe I could find myself a middle-aged female Finn and just let myself lose all control of myself...now there's a theory. lol

Honestly, I think people should stay out of other people's relationships. If he is close to you, he will realize you are bothered by what he's doing, and adjust, or attempt to adjust your thinking on the matter, or at least bring his concerns about how what he is doing affects you, to the table, first. If he doesn't do that, then obviously he's not in tune with you and if it's that much of a bother, find someone who will forsake all others in friendships as well as love matches, in favor of you.
 
#22 ·
I'm seeing someone and I already decided I don't want to have any control over his choices of who he has a relationship with and what it entails. So long as it's not used as a way to hurt me, which some people such as my ex, did use his relationships with OW to hurt, manipulate, deceive me, for purposes of his psychological addiction to doing this (yes, a misogynist.)

If the intention isn't to hurt me, it's unlikely I'm going to be hurt. I have male friends, I go to dinner with them, I dance with them, I discuss things with them. Yes, they would probably like to date me but they understand that it wouldn't work out. .
Although I am sure this advice was offered in the spirit of helpfullness, I believe it is colassally bad! :(Just read the countless infideilty threads of people who trusted their partners and didn't act.

Good luck
 
#15 ·
Not to beat a dead horse since I know a previous poster also pointed it out, but a 19 year old woman and a 23 year old man are much closer in age and have more in common with each other than they do with a 33 year old woman.

Out of curiousity, what makes him so incredible as a man and provider? No snark, I'm really curious (if you want to answer).

Sounds like they have a strong connection and he has a knight in shining armor complex where he enjoys being her sounding board, giving advice, being her confidant. It probably flatters his ego to be thought of that way by a young woman.
 
#16 ·
I can answer that from my perspective having married a man 6 years younger, and my sister married a man who is 9 years younger than she. Basically, the younger men were, and still are, more mature than the men our age. My sister was married before, to a man her age. They divorced after having two kids. Her new husband stepped up and treated the kids as his own, and has treated my sister as she deserves to be treated. He holds down a decent job, which is more than can be said for her ex-husband. My husband and I have been married 12 1/2 years and my sister and brother-in-law have been married 4 1/2 years. So, yes, greater age gaps like that can work, and work well.
 
#17 ·
As a man, from my own experience and what I’ve observed….trust no other man completely. Men will wait for years (as friends) to get the opportunity at the right time. This guy may not be interested in her now, but things can change. I know of a guy who waited for a woman for 10 years, she was married to another but he loved her, and never acted on it other than a very close friendship. When she went through some major marriage issues, and he saw the opening to make his move, and he did…and was rejected! He wasted 10 years! Now to be fair he dated now and then during those 10 years, but he had her on the back burner. So to have these relationships, I view them as possible ticking time bombs. Do you know of any decently attractive men that are friends with unattractive women? I don’t.

If he is a good guy, and has no intensions or desires for your woman he will be totally understanding with any rules or limits you put on their friendship. I’d say no dinners, or lunches alone with another man…just as a rule. You should do the same…never have social meeting with another member of the opposite sex alone.

Lots of infidelity starts out with relationship conversations, and the male nature is to sleep with as many women as possible…it is only through refinement of character that men don’t act on it. So be very careful with this type of thing…she may be this guy’s plan B, C or D.
 
#20 ·
I'd get really annoyed if my SO was doing that...comforting some other woman. Doesn't she have her own SO/friends to do that with?

On that note, I think casual / work OSF are okay, just not CLOSE friends of the opposite sex. I just feel like close OSF are a can of worms that I don't want to open, and my boyfriend believes the same.
 
#23 ·
Sorry for taking forever to respond.

He is in no way a 'typical' 23 year old. Sounds cliche, but is is definitely an old soul. He and I have been living together since August last year. I have two kids, he is taking on the role of father figure to them, and is strikingly good at it. He listens to me attentively, brings me flowers unexpectedly, we go on dates, we play little 'games' where we text throughout the day, specific questions like, 'where would you live if you could without consequence'? and do countless marriage questionnaires via text and in person, we talk a LOT, our dreams, short and long term goals, etc. He has been a working man since he was 14, even worked 3 jobs once. He has a strong work ethic, provides for me and the kids (we refer to as OUR kids, because he prefers it) for instance, my daughter would rather him accompant her to the daddy/daughter banquet instead of her biological father, etc. I could go on and on as to why he is such a wonderful man and provider, father, lover, friend, etc.

I understand it is rather hard for many reading this to believe he is so responsible and mature at his age. He has made the choice to be a family man and live this life. We have hashed it out many times. My concern about his age, and how others (including myself) feel I am robbing him of something. As the days and arguments pass about that subject, I am only more convinced of his dedication to our family. I know it is hard to believe for a lot of people. He has been this way for a very long time, dating older women. He has older male friends. He always says he feels like he should have been born earlier.

I have a close relationship with his entire extended family. His parents agree that this is what he wants, they are on board. They view and treat my children as their grand and great grand children.

Alas, he does have a few contacts/close friend from high school. It's not surprising given how charismatic he is.

Also, I have begun reading "Not Just Friends" I am halfway through. I am taking in all of your responses and considering each one. The book has opened my eyes, a couple of points that stuck out:

1. The friendship was hidden from me
2. She is not a 'friend of the marriage' (in this case of the relationship)
3. I don't think he would be comfortable on me 'listening in" to their conversations

This is not the first time I found out about him talking to another female his age.

I am leaning toward the poster who mentions that he likes being the knight in shining armor, and it boosts his ego. But as the books states, her confiding in him regarding personal relationship issues crosses a boundary. I already felt that in my gut.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for all of your responses.

I just need to figure out how to get over this, and make sure he understands why it is inappropriate. I don't want to drudge up the past, but I cannot go n not trusting him. I don't know how many other inappropriate relationships he could be having. He is still secretive with his phone. It's always on silent.
 
#25 ·
Those that think spouses can't have opposite sex friends are being a little too extreme, possessive, and frankly, not realistic. (I am speaking in general terms, not specifically to the OP's situation). I have a question I have asked before, but I will ask again.

If you feel they can't have OS friends, then what if your spouse is bisexual? Does that mean that s/he can't have any close friends whatsoever?
 
#27 ·
This is a tough question! I think that once two are married, they become one. Isn't it a little strange for one person in a marriage to be soooo super close to another human being of any sex and the other partner not be aware of the friendship at all? Or at least be an acquaintance of the relationship/marriage? A friend of the marriage? I would think that is strange, just IMO. I mean, aside from people that you know at work and speak to on a regular basis on a professional/friendly relationship. But if that friendship would evolve outside of work, again, I would think the partner would be aware of it.
Any secret friendship/relationship/etc/ is kind of strange IMO.

Especially since reading or listening to the countless audiobooks I have seen recommended on this forum. :)
(many thank to all those who have suggested them BTW)

SO and I have been listening to the together. We are finally getting to be on the same page. Coming to this forum has helped me tremendously in my relationship. I cannot thank all of you enough.
 
#26 ·
When I was single, I had a guy friend that was also single and we spent a lot of time together. (I liked him and I'm sure he liked me, but it never went anywhere for whatever reason).

When he started dating another girl, our friendship changed drastically. I met her, and she was uncomfortable with our friendship in the beginning. Actually, she and I have become the best of friends now, and she has replaced him as my "friend". Of course, five years later we all still hang out regularly and even my husband will join us on ocassion. But it is no longer just me and my guy friend. It's respecting his relationship and now, respecting my marriage.

If my guy friend and I were to carry on the way we were when we were single, there would be a loooootttt of issues with our respective significant others. Things change when you commit to someone - you put your spouse/SO first and you do not do anything that violates the relationship in any way.

OP, a few more details might be needed, but I'm confident this relationship is inappropriate. Even the fact that you are bothered by it should be reason enough for your husband to tone it down a LOT.

Just my opinion. Opposite-sex friendships only invite trouble when one or both are involved with someone else.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#29 · (Edited)
I have started investigating, keeping my ears & eyes open, but it is quite difficult to say the least. He has erased the messages.

I do know how to retrieve back up files via the computer on itunes, but he has not plugged it into his computer in forever.

So, I have no clue what their convos are like, other than what he has told me.

He admits she vents and vents about her problems. School, work, love prospects, etc.

Ever since I totally blew up on him, he tells me every time he has contact with her. On FB, she posted a comment to one of his posts. So, I said to her, "I feel like I already know you. You should come over with a boyfriend/friend one night and play some cards"

She did not respond to me, but sent him a text, which he showed me. She said she'd love to come hang out with us. I'm not sure why she won't address me directly online.

My gut is NEVER WRONG. It has never failed me. I suspect she has a HUGE crush on him. It's understandable, he's awesome.

Ever since we've been listening to NJF, he has been more sensitive. I believe the contact has been minimized. He offers to show me texts. I figure, what's the use in that? I don't know what parts of the convo have been deleted or not. So beats me. He told me he would cut her off if it came to speaking to her vs. losing me.

I feel like I want to meet her first. I wanna get her 'vibe'. But thus far, my reaching out to her to become a friend to us both has failed on her end. I've been way way way more than cool about it.

Side note: I found out about this via a post on FB she tagged him in, I mentioned her comment earlier, about how "he knows just what to say" to her. He was not the only involved male to be tagged in that post. She's also the sister of his ex-girlfriend, whom he has no contact with and cannot stand.

How's this for a crazy thought? Please tell me / advise/ comment if this would be over-stepping.

I've thought of waking up one morning and asking for his phone and keeping it all day. No advance notice. Just to see what kind of texts he gets. Maybe even keep it a couple days? That's the only viable option I see to find out what's really going on. However, I feel as if I need to go to such lengths, what's the point really?

I want to trust him. I want to trust he's being honest about this friendship. I don't want to be a PI or a snoop.
 
#42 ·
"I feel like I already know you. You should come over with a boyfriend/friend one night and play some cards"

She did not respond to me, but sent him a text, which he showed me. She said she'd love to come hang out with us. I'm not sure why she won't address me directly online.
You mean besides the fact she has no respect for you and is actively trying to undermine your relationship.

My gut is NEVER WRONG. It has never failed me. I suspect she has a HUGE crush on him.
Which is one major reason why this is so inappropriate. You know that women like this do their best to sabotage relationships even when the man isn't doing her. Your mate should be protecting your relationship from such toxic people, before it gets to this.

He told me he would cut her off if it came to speaking to her vs. losing me.
I see he has decided to end it. So that's good but admitting to the lies and how inappropriate they were is still necessary. And you need to keep your eyes open.

About the business of him being 23: in the future, just don't dwell on it. I married my wife as a 19 year old when I was 49. She was an adult, and had that right, period. That is quite literally what society has to say about it: nobody's business but ours.

There are people that will try to put you down for it, but that says something about them, not about you.
 
#32 ·
While I have considered this, I haven't outright asked him. Wow, I'm an idiot.

I might want to re-mention (I know, not a word) that I am 33, he is 23.

While a lot of people may think a certain way about a 23 year old male, I am telling you - he is the exception. He's had very limited sexual experience before me. We've done a lot of work in this area ;) but I digress . . . I don't think he slept with her.

But I do think they have been inappropriate in other ways, now that you mention it. I'll be asking.
 
#35 ·
I just called & asked him. He of course said no. I asked had they ever been intimate in any other way at all, he said no. I asked had they ever even discussed being intimate, flirted, etc. he said no.

But you are right, Thoreau, he is a liar. He's lied about big things. I will always question any answer he gives me. So, how do I move forward? Cut him loose? Or accept he is a liar and that will never change?

I spoke to his mom about this issue shortly after I became aware of it. He said that she used to cause him problems (with his parents) when he was in high school because she'd call him late at night, hysterical from some sort of break-up and he would calm her down. His mom said she's nutty.
 
#40 ·
I spoke to his mom about this issue shortly after I became aware of it. He said that she used to cause him problems (with his parents) when he was in high school because she'd call him late at night, hysterical from some sort of break-up and he would calm her down. His mom said she's nutty.
If you have to talk to his mom and she's telling you about this girl being a problem in high school...he's way too young for you. Seriously. I know you keep saying he's not like other 23 year olds, but you shouldn't need to go to his MOTHER to find out about his friends/whatever she is.
 
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