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betrayed, like so many here

143K views 265 replies 60 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 
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#41 ·
So you've seen the other threads and it's creepy how similar they are?

The cheaters all follow a script, your observation has been repeated many times on this forum.

Betrayed spouses follow a script too, and you are following it to a T. Many of the posters here would rather tolerate their spouse's infidelity than confront them due to fear of losing them. Why it is that they can't see that they've already lost them, I don't know.

Stop worrying about finding exactly the right words and exactly the right time. Make a plan to confront your wife and do it. Tell her it's you or him, she can't continue to have both. You don't have to do it this very minute, but I don't see why you would wait beyond today. Get one of your parents or siblings or friends to take your kids for an hour and do it.

Your wife likes the set up she has now. She sees other man for sex while you watch the kids, help pay the bills, and take care of the house. She will continue this way forever if she can.
 
#47 ·
Speaking as the former cheater, she has NO intention of filing for divorce or she would have already. She's keeping you as her Plan B in case it doesn't work out with the new guy.

Unless you stand firm and refuse to be the third wheel in her relationship, she'll keep going this way.

I agree with aug that YOU stay in the house, she goes. This way, she is the one who legally abandoned the marriage. So not do anything to make her life simpler at this point. Put all your time and attention into your children and find and attorney on Monday who will serve her next week.

Be prepared for her outbursts. Exposé to family ASAP as she will try to paint the picture that YOU are the bad husband who forced her to cheat because you treated her horribly and that she's only stayed this long for the kids.
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#48 ·
I think in a case like this, any confrontation with out divorce papers will be a failure. I mean it might be worth it to confront now if money is a problem, but it think having divorce papers being served might be the most effective way.

It sound like WW is deep in the fog.

OP you are closest to the sitch and if you already had somewhat of a confrontation I think you have a taste of what to expect.

And yes get your spy gear in place so you have your bases covered after she is served. It will give you a better handle on the steps you need to take.

Granted she is pushing her self away from this marriage but the things you gather thru your own investigation will make you push your self away from saving this marriage. In the end it may be the best thing.

But I do hope that things take a change for the better after you give here a taste of reality and she does the heavy lifting to save her marriage.

I'm curious if you stick to the plan (have her served, expose , confront) what will happen? Versus the plan to confront, expose, then have her served?

I think the later will only make the affair continue until she is served, I think she realy believes you are not going to do any thing.
 
#49 ·
raging, ultimately it doesn't matter what order you do these things, if your wife wants to save the marriage she will dump other guy and work on it, no matter what order you do things. Whatever it is you are going to do, though, it's time to get this show on the road. You've waited long enough. So, go and file. Or confront. Or expose to other man's wife. Just don't sit on your hands and watch her carry on her inappropriate relationship with this other man.

No matter wht you do, you can expect her to lie and minimize and only tell you what she thinks you already know. From what you've posted, we know she's been having sex with him on a regular basis for quite a while now, even if you don't.

Most likely she can't believe how gullible you've been. She probably has told other man and her confidants who know about the affair that she can't believe you accept her story that it's only platonic.

Due to the way you've handled it so far, she probably will agree to your face to give up other man and work on the marriage, then try to continue her affair, take it underground, so she can maintain the status quo. That's where the voice-activated recorders can save you a lot of time and heartache. She probably will not believe you are filing for divorce until you actually have her served.
 
#50 ·
so i got home about five seconds before WS did (she had the kids at the store), and WS is acting all clingy, trying to initiate conversation after conversation. I keep it as abrupt as possible, giving short answers and not engaging in chances of conversation.

Then after the kids are down for their naps, WS says to me "it bothers me that you think i had an affair". i tell her about how she has been trickle-truthing me, and how i don't believe her when she says she hasn't had a PA with OM. She keeps denying it & pressing me on why i think that way, no doubt trying to determine what I actually know. I keep repeating that I know her so well, and that it's pretty obvious when she lies. We go back and forth like this for a while, then she tells me that next week she is going to file and that I need to move out. I slipped up and said that I was also going to file on Monday and that she is the one that needs to move out, since she is the one that wants out. WS said that "that's something that a judge will have to decide then", and began to talk about how we could possibly lose the kids if this got super-ugly. I told WS that if she was truly concerned about the kids, there are much better ways to limiting the risk of the courts taking our children (namely trying to work this **** out).

This took her aback; she backpedaled slightly and fell back on the "it will be cheaper if we go to mediation instead of doing it through the courts". Then she asked me if I was going to file on Monday. I lied and said no, to try and buy myself some time. She asked me if I was going to go back on the custody issue (we had previously spoke about doing 50/50), i gave WS a non-answer and said I don't know what's going to happen, especially since i can't trust a single word WS says.

Now i'm outside splitting wood while WS naps on the couch and the kids nap upstairs. I'm scared sh1tless, I don't know what she's going to do. Thankfully I recorded the conversation earlier.


I am going to file on Monday. It's going to go file->expose->confront. I'm terrified of what is to come.
 
#52 ·
...She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, ...
This is disconcerting. If you have a recorder you might want to record a conversation where you say something like: "remember when you said you wished you could kill me? It's been bothering me a lot lately" The point is to arm yourself with ammo for the divorce. You can threaten to use it later if things get ugly during mediation.

Also, the threat IS something I would be concerned about - unless she said it in a joking way.

Be very careful - especially if you know your wife is impulsive and given to act rashly. Literally - watch your back.
 
#57 ·
Yeah, you're not the first one that has considered that she may actually be capable of it. Other people have also told me to watch my back, and I am. I'm more scared for the kids' safety than my own though.. She was not joking either. She admitted what she said to her therapist (she told me her therapist got really pissed at her for threatening me), can the therapist be subpoenaed to confirm the threat? I think that, if it's in regards to custody, she can be.
 
#53 ·
raging, when you go to file I would also have the POSOM subpoenaed as well. Your lawyer will try and talk you out of it, saying it won't matter, but don't let him. Tell him you want this POS on the stand with his right hand in the air and left on the bible.

You can even tell your WW of these intentions before you actually do file. Her face will be priceless, and it certainly will get back to POS immediately.
 
#55 ·
@3putt, I would stay dark, any more info OP reveals just gives WW more time to do her own damage control.

RP's plan is the best bet in not allowing him looking like the bad guy, its all about damage control and making the affair as inconvienent as possible.

See if the exposure come before the divorce WW always say "they would have worked it out but since you told everyone I'm leaving".

WW needs to see that RP is letting go off her untils NC w/OM is confirmed.
 
#54 ·
It sounds like your wife wash fishing for your source. Good job on keeping it to your self. It also sound like your wife pulled the divorce card out and you counter it very well.

Stay strong prepare for the worst and retain a lawyer its the second best way to protect your self, the first way is to have your spy gear (keylogger VAR, GPS) in place so you know what she is planning.

Once she gets served you will know exactly what your next step is, she will see you are serious, she will know you have proof, and it will be up to her to end this affair or not.

As of now she has no reason to end this affair, but I do have to say she has to feel the effects of your new found confidence.... The new found confidence that your current action is justified. She got her 1st taste of the new raging pain!

I think with in a week or two you will have clear direction, as scary as it is you will have direction...lets just hope she comes out of the fog enough to at least come to the table and work it out.


IMHO, as of now I see no other "weapon" in fighting this affiar other then being served. Hopefully with in the waiting period before the D is finalized she wakes up. Then again this could be an exit affair.
 
#56 ·
RP, my wife never asked for a divorce and was a big time cake eater, but once I confronted my wife and she started blamshifting the scariest thing was backing her crap up...it was only then that she realized I was no longer willing to share her with another man.

I'll never forget how scared I was , it was the best thing I did, it was a defining moument. and she started crying and told be she didn't want to leave.

I hope some time between her getting served and the D being finalized your wife tells you she doesn't want a divorce.
 
#59 ·
On the strength of the earlier threat and your fear of potential harm to the kids, consider also applying for a TRO when you get the divorce papers. It will keep her out of the house and away from the kids for at least 10 days ... and can be extended for at least a month if you can get the therapist to verify the threat.
 
#62 ·
Keylogger is back in place. She got super pissed when I wouldn't relent on saying I didn't believe her. Ultimately it came down to "if you don't believe me, then f*ck you". I told her that was real mature, all the while keeping a cool head. She told me I was being disrespectful to her... the gall of this woman. I asked her if I was being disrespectful to her over her affair, or because I didn't take her at her word after so many lies?

She countered that she didn't want to tell me about certain things (still without admitting to any PA) because I would think this divorce is about the affair and not our own problems. She is trying her damndest to confuse me and conflate the issues.

I secured the money for the lawyer's retainer fee, so it's all set to begin on Monday.

Two questions I still have: When I expose the affair to her family, do I forward the one gem of an email? I would need to present proof along with my accusation, right? Otherwise people will just think I'm nuts..

Also, who do I all include in the initial email blast? Right now I'm only considering her immediate family, and my immediate family.. I'm not sure how far I want to take this aspect of it. Honestly I think limiting it to our immediate families would have the desired effect, but I'm not sure what I'm not considering.. 'Unknown unknowns' and all that
 
#64 ·
You don't do this by email blast. You call up your and her family and close friends and let them know. Keep it to a couple minutes each, let them know you have to get off the phone. You tell them you have proof, if they ask what it is, you tell them that you don't want to say what it is, but that it is solid proof. If you have been a stand-up guy in the past, and you've never run around half-****ed before, they will not think you are nuts, they will believe you. If they ask her about it, her attitude and answers will give her away - they will doubt her sincerity; they won't doubt yours.

Only if you can't get them on the phone, you send an email, and then you send a separate email to each one and start it with "I tried to call you but didn't get through, and I didn't want to leave this on a voicemail."
 
#63 ·
She'll get worse after exposure. She will tell you that you had no right, that it was all your fault, that she hasn't loved you for years, etc. Disregard and stay the course. By pulling back the curtain and exposing her dirty little secret, you are forcing the addict to face what she has done.

Immediate family, definitely yes. Friends can be trickier when it comes to affairs.
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#65 ·
Immediate family and close friends who are like family.

She will be very angry after you expose. Tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your family, that it was not vindictive, that you love her and love your family and you are not giving up without a fight. Tell her all you did was tell the truth. Stick to lines like that, repeat them over and over. Don't engage her in arguments.
 
#66 ·
She countered that she didn't want to tell me about certain things (still without admitting to any PA) because I would think this divorce is about the affair and not our own problems.

Who is she to decide what the real reasons are. Let everyone come to their own reasons after everything is out in the clear. Of course everything you did is a reason for you 2 splitting up while that part when she has sex with other people doesn't matter.
 
#67 ·
I have to be honest, If I had a smoking gun of my wife having a PA, I would drop what ever I was doing to get to the lawyer to file for divorce. Dont even think twice about it, she made a choice for another man.
1. Its the right thing to do.
2. It will put her life into turmoil.
3. It will put a big damper on her affair, they will both look at the situation different, it will no longer be the very exciting secretive affair, it will now become the typical man/woman relationship, big difference imo.
4. The OM will now look at things different, he will suddenly become "stuck" with her and a real relationship now that the excitement is dampened.
At this point, she will either come to her senses and end the affair, or actually stick with the OM which at least you will know and can move on with your life.
If it were me, I would then ask her to call me before she comes to the house, just in case I have a date there.... in your bed.
You hit her with all this and she now has a big mess, not a comfortable life having it all her way, stay strong, this is very important. Ive learned a lot on this forum, what sticks out the most to me is you cannot take the apoproach that you hope and pray that she will come to her senses and end the affair. You have to take action to force the issue.
 
#69 ·
Be prepared, if she gets served on Friday or sometime next week she will start making phone call to family and friends telling them about the divorce and in turn she will be informed of the email evidence (which will shoot down any damage control she tries to attempt) she will be pissed.

If the timing is right your WW will be informed/confronted on the email evidence while tell family and friend about the divorce.

If any thing (if the lawyer screws up and doesn't have her served when they say....it happen) make sure the " marriage support letter/ email evidence is recieved 1st by family and friends.

This tactic is better damage control, if it happens the other way around the WW has the upper hand on the her damage control.

Its better to have family and friends call WW a day earlier then WW getting served. Your WW will be so pissed she will want a divorce then when she gets served the next day she will get what she wanted. Then when you cut her off the only support she will have is with OM, then OM will be like screw the "to much baggage", then your WW will see the reality to her fantasy and come out of the fog.

Not a perfect plan, but a reality check for sure. You need the upper hand on the damage control so if exposure can't happen on the same day as being served, then the exposure should happen sooner then being serverd.

Talk to the lawyer and get a time frame on how soon she can be served.
 
#70 ·
More confusion: WW told me today that she will not be leaving the house any more, contrary to our 2-3day rotation arrangement. She said it's "for the kids", but it sounded exactly like I sounded in the beginning.

When this all began I had done some reading on child custody; what I had learned was that by one of the parents leaving for evenings or whatever it could be viewed as abandonment. After a few days of incredibly painful arguments, I agreed to give her space and rotate evenings in the house with her (This was well before I knew of the affair). We've been rotating ever since.

She was almost anxious to tell me she wouldn't be leaving any more. I clearly won't be leaving either. It is very unexpected behavior, perhaps she is sensing something is up?
 
#78 ·
More confusion: WW told me today that she will not be leaving the house any more, contrary to our 2-3day rotation arrangement. She said it's "for the kids", but it sounded exactly like I sounded in the beginning.

When this all began I had done some reading on child custody; what I had learned was that by one of the parents leaving for evenings or whatever it could be viewed as abandonment. After a few days of incredibly painful arguments, I agreed to give her space and rotate evenings in the house with her (This was well before I knew of the affair). We've been rotating ever since.

She was almost anxious to tell me she wouldn't be leaving any more. I clearly won't be leaving either. It is very unexpected behavior, perhaps she is sensing something is up?
She's further along in the process than you thought. She is clearly getting some advice from someone. She may already be talking to an attorney, advice from the OM or her divorced friend whose been through this already. Good luck and hope you catch up to her quick.
 
#72 ·
If you get up to thirty posts, have the mods move this to private. She may not know about TAM but she's starting to realize you might be serious.

Let her wonder. Don't confirm or deny. Change the subject. Say you don't want to talk about anything unpleasant. Whatever it takes to keep her in the dark.
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