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betrayed, like so many here

143K views 265 replies 60 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 
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#124 ·
ragin, I want you to get R out of your mind right now !!!!
When a person say they could kill you, take it serious.
1. She has not said anything about R/ing with you. Just that she want to do it without lawyers.
2. She actually mentioned to MC she wants you dead.
3. Only you are thinking of a possible R. She wants out.
4. You want the kids to have a whole family BUT, what good does it do to have them lose a parent by violence from the other. It sound like your have a good support system with her and your families, so D/ing her will still keep you and the kids close.

Basically what I'm saying is you should NOT ever feel safe sleeping with this woman.
 
#127 ·
The thing is, she keeps talking about how she wants to be "friends" after the divorce, and also that she says she is not ruling out a possible reconciliation, given enough time to see that we can "both survive and function on our own".

she told me that if I follow through with naming the affair as the reason on the divorce papers that this "friendship" that we're trying to cultivate would be impossible.


she's really confusing the **** out of me, but i suppose that's her goal. it makes me wonder if she's only saying it because it's the only measure of control she has over me at this point.




and i did something stupid yesterday afternoon too... she was leaving w/ the kids to spend the night at her parent's house. I had loaded the kids in the car, and went back in the house where she was still gathering her things. She said to me "i'll come back tomorrow and start packing my stuff, or at least try to move it into a corner or something". i JOKINGLY said that "maybe i'll just throw it out on the curb, it'd be real easy then" with a smile on my face. it was completely in jest, but it was a stupid joke to make. she says something like "you're going to make me cry", at which point i _went up to her and grabbed her gently by the face_, and stared at her while i said "i'm sorry, i'm really not trying to hurt you, it was an honest joke". i held her for five seconds, she neither shied away or nuzzled into my hands.... man i wish i hadn't done that.
 
#125 ·
When it comes to custody, be sure and tell your attorney she also mentioned killing you in front of the MC. Adultery, terroristic threatening, abandonment etc. gives you a good case.

From now on just go silent with her. Only give short answer about the kids and possibly finances. Show her no emotion. If she does want to talk let her know you have all the proof you need of a physical affair and she can just stop lying about it. Though you may want to ask your attorney about how you got the info and whether or not it was legal. But, the point is, the only one that needs proof is you.

Let her see how life is without her family.

Ask your attorney about a psychiatric evaluation for her because of the threat.
 
#133 ·
I think you need to throw away the idea that you will be friends post D.

You can agree to talk to her civilly about the children, but you will not be her friend.

Friends trust one another. You wouldn't be friends with someone who stole money from you. You would not be friends with someone who lies to your face.

You would not be friends with someone who hurt your children.

She as done all of the above. Including stealing money by having an affair and now redirecting money to pay for her having a residence after the D.

Tell her out right, I have no intention of being your friend. You haven't been my friend. I won't be your friend after the D.
 
#135 ·
I always wonder about the "let's be friends" tactic. My STBXW mentioned this hope... once. I simply said that I don't want to be friends with somebody who deliberately and repeatedly lied to me after cheating.

IF there is a chance to reconcile, then by all means - be friends and see if it develops. But IF the offer of friendship is just to make it easier for the DS to feel OK about the whole situation, with no effort on their part, then forget it.

My STBXW has never apologized or taken ownership of the damage she has done to me and to our family. I will pretend to be "friends" with my STBXW for the benefit of my children. Other than that, I don't want her to be a part of my life in any way.
 
#138 ·
The thing is, she keeps talking about how she wants to be "friends" after the divorce, and also that she says she is not ruling out a possible reconciliation, given enough time to see that we can "both survive and function on our own".

she told me that if I follow through with naming the affair as the reason on the divorce papers that this "friendship" that we're trying to cultivate would be impossible.
Why do you suppose I would want you back after this ?
 
#140 ·
Good morning. Be careful with the drink. It can lead to more depression the next day.

I would say that the next opportunity you get to speak with her you have a little heart to heart as if your bringing your guard completely down. She will think it will be a whine-and-pine fest until you surprise her with a stoic and measured out performance as you tell her plainly and simply that you realize she is no friend to you. You state simply that she has treated you terribly and you will not allow yourself to be treated as such. Tell her you just wanted her to know that things are going to be different from now on. You are now going to look out for your own best interests because she is clearly doing the same for herself and you have come to accept that now. Tell her the truth is more important than her feelings and you will be keeping the divorce papers as they are. Its a matter of principle. Do not apologize or look like you feel bad.
Thats it. End it with 'I just thought it was the right thing to do to let you know where I stand'.

When she puts on the waterworks and says how awful she feels and how you are making her sad, DO NOT SHOW ANY EMOTION, DO NOT COMFORT HER ANNND DO NOT GET ANGRY OR ATTACK HER. Just say something like 'I'm taking care of myself from now on. Good luck' then get the heck out of dodge and go dark and cold. Your gonads will feel securely in place after this. Never let her have them back mkay?
 
#143 ·
yeah i know i gave up my balls momentarily, it is incredibly hard to keep composure around her when i still feel so deeply for her.. i will do this though. it needs to be done. hell, i was already leaning towards keeping the reason as is. i just really don't want to hurt her.
 
#142 ·
Ease up on the drinking. You need to keep a clear head and operate from a position of strength. Letting her see you do this to yourself will give her more power over you.

Take yourself to the gym, put the beer down. You'll feel much better the next day.
 
#144 ·
she did not witness it. i was alone at my house, she had the kids at her parents' place. i was extremely lonely, even the dog went with her. so what the hell, get drunk.

i do know my limits though (i know that's hard to believe :D) and i already do work out at a gym regularly. i just like to cut loose when i'm alone and occasionally get wrecked.
 
#146 ·
ok, someone explain this one to me:

i have the kids for yesterday & today. WW and I have to switch vehicles before I pick the kids up because hers has the child seats in it (this will soon be rectified).

i tell her that i need her to show up at my work at a certain time because i have to pick up dinner before I get the kids. she tells me she has _cooked us dinner, and it's in the oven at home_.

i ask her why she did that, she says it's because she "wanted to eat something before she left for work". she didn't touch the meal she prepared.

WTF
 
#149 ·
Also, keeping you 'happy' and showing she wants to be a friend is to try to get what she really wants which is to have her cake and eat it too. I'm sorry, it just sucks to be on the receiving end. She really has no clue how badly she's hurting you and the family.
 
#154 ·
ok. so a lot has happened since i last posted. i took the kids on a 8 hour road trip to see my family for xmas. WS stayed at the family house alone.

WS also supposedly confronted OM at his house while I was gone for the holidays, after he went dark on her when the divorce & exposure of affair became public knowledge. according to WS, OM feels "terrible, and like it's all his fault". this is a man that used to be my friend, and lied to my face about what was happening. from what i can tell they have not spoken after she called him a coward and a liar in her final message.

now, tonight, WS comes over to 'pick up some stuff'. we get baked together, and i ask this: "what are you doing for new years?". nothing more, nothing less. she then launches into a "yeah i'll hang out for a while, do some shots to the new year, then go sleep (where i've been staying) later". she repeats this a few times as we discuss the next few days.


so now i'm like WHAT THE FUUUUUUUK. previously, at our most recent group counseling session, i said i felt like i was being used as "plan b" since **** with her boyfriend isn't working out. she denied it, claiming that "there is no plan b, there's not even plan a".

she is continuing to look for housing for her self, but her credit sucks and she doesn't make enough to have many options. her parents are going to help her, but this places her in a bind that she is actively trying to avoid (WS and her mother are having issues over this entire escapade).


new years is a few days away. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
 
#159 ·
You do realize that she only wants you now because you are moving on and don't want her. If you reengage with her and she gets you back she will be looking to replace you as soon as she can. Why would you put yourself through that?
 
#163 ·
this is what i'm having trouble deciding. i'm no slouch, i get hit on regularly. however i am willing to at least try to salvage the marriage, for both her & my sakes as well as the kids'. don't know what to doooooooooooooo


the problem is, is that i get to see my kids if i go hang out with her. that's hard to turn down/\.
 
#165 ·
Well then, go. But only for the kids. Don't be mean with her but don't engage in anything that doesn't involve the kids, snacks, or TV reception.

Anything else: "not right now okay - let's enjoy the game"
 
#167 ·
this never works for me. for instance, over at her place watching the football game, she was sitting in a different room (her parents were also over). i would do something like walk through the room she & the kids were in, and give the kids some kisses. as i'd be walking out of the room not really paying her any mind, she would drop a "how are you?" to which i have no choice but to automatically ask her how she is in return and engage her in conversation.

this is the type of sh1t that keeps happening. she strings me along, and it feels like she can't make up her mind as to what she wants. meanwhile i'm supposed to sit and wait for her to decide.
 
#169 ·
Read the Warlock's Post above again.

There's an art of communicating without words.
A slight nod of the head.
A shoulder shrug.
A raised eyebrow.
A weak smile, scowl,

Those say as much, and sometimes more, than words. And their meaning is usually much more clear than words.
 
#170 ·
ok..... so today was absolutely terrible. last night i wrecked my car & got a DUI (no one was hurt, my first DUI, and I am ashamed of my behavior). i get home today after work and talk with WW, she lays into me about how she "would be leaving me now if she hadn't already told me she wants a divorce". it was brutal, she knows just how to hurt me.. it was just like the first day when she told me she wanted a divorce. i'm shaking and just got done crying while my kids were eating dinner, and WW is at the store. when she comes back we're going to put the kids to bed and then _still_ ring in the new year (no alcohol though, since last night occurred,,, ice cream instead)


i can't take much more of this ****!
 
#172 ·
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this but you need to own at least part of it, in that you keep putting yourself in the position to allow her to tear you down. And she'll take it because her own self-image is still reeling from being called out as a cheater. Your wife has the classic self-indulgent spirit of a WS. More than anything, she desires to return to the status quo, so that she can feel good about herself again. Every foible that you commit allows her to shift the spotlight to you. 'Yes, I cheated on my husband, but you don't see me driving drunk!' Every communication that she has with you is predicated on this goal. When she engages you, and you respond, you are lessening the impact of your discovery of her infidelity. That's why niceness or social civility is useless and counterproductive in the short and medium term of the reconciliation/180/run-up to divorce. Such behavior is emotionally what hysterical bonding is physically. It tells her that the behavioral dynamic is returning to what she is most comfortable with.
 
#171 ·
Lay off the friggen booze. FOR EVER.

You are not presenting yourself as desirable in any way shape or form. Stiffen that spine.

She's leaving. Let. Her. Go.

She's just shredding your already broken spirit.

You've been told. Get the book Surviving An Affair br Dr Harley. Read it. Live it.
 
#173 ·
Dont let her berate you or talk down to you like she's your mother ever again. You don't have to justify anything to her anymore. It doesn't matter how wrong you were for ur DUI, she has no right to say anything to you anymore about anything. You don't take cra-p from a cheating wh0-re. Period. You tell her this and never apologize to her for anything!
 
#174 ·
it's hard to realize it's happening when it happens w/ her. i guess that just speaks to how farked up our relationship was. and despite my intentions, it is still extremely difficult to cut off contact.. i'm so desperate for affection i find my resolve wavering.

at least on new years i told her she had to leave when she wouldn't stop berating me. the ice creams she bought us are still sitting in the freezer, and i know that's pissing her off because she loves ice cream :(
 
#177 ·
Sorry raging. Know you're hurting.

I want you to know that you unintentionally made my day with this line:

at least on new years i told her she had to leave when she wouldn't stop berating me. the ice creams she bought us are still sitting in the freezer, and i know that's pissing her off because she loves ice cream
 
#180 ·
so tonight i basically put up a wall between us. i refused to discuss anything that didn't relate to the kids. she was pissed, to say the least. she kept asking me about random ****, which i refused to answer. she told me that i was being short and mean, and asked me why.

i told her it was because she had the affair. she then said that "she told me she was sorry" and that she's "sorry for the way she handled it" and that "she would have divorced me anyways". she then compared my DUI to her affair, trying to say that because I did what I did that it wiped out her crime. I had none of that, and told her that nothing will wipe out what she did. i then told her i didn't want to talk to her, and told her she had to get out.

we went back and forth a bit, her like "you can't kick me out, my name is still on the deed" and me like "not for long it's not".

she told me that i've only proved her right over and over since she told me initially

we spent the weekend together with the kids, some of her siblings, & her parents. she then tells me tonight that she "thought this was the new reality taking shape" with me being hunky-dory about everything and not fighting at all.

she told me that i was trying to bring up old **** (her affair) so that i had something to be angry about relating to the divorce, as opposed to acknowledging my own faults. i responded that "if that's what you think, then you're even more pathetic than i thought".

she then tried to ask me various questions regarding upcoming events that did not involve the kids or anything logistical, to which i would not respond except with "that's none of your business" and "i don't want to talk to you regarding anything that doesn't involve the kids".

she finally left. she was visibly upset. i hate this game.
 
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