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betrayed, like so many here

143K views 265 replies 60 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 
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#183 ·
It's been a while, so here's an update: Basically one night, over the phone, I was farking wasted and told her exactly what I thought of her. The phrase "scandalous cheating wh0re" was used many times.

I've felt infinitely better since then. I am taking a job in a town about two hours away. WS has moved out of the house for now. I hooked up with an ex-girlfriend and farked the daylights out of her. I feel like a new man.

WW tells me that she had envisioned "three years and then we could get back together". I laughed in her face and told her I plan to be long gone in three years. I asked her why she thinks there's a possibility, she replies that "she wasn't willing to throw away everything we have considering our history". I'm seriously beginning to wonder if she is borderline schizo.

All of a sudden I have potential career options that exceed anything I would have had were I to remain tethered to my now ex-wife. Reconciliation is still an option, but I could give less than two farks about it.

Listen up, betrayed men! This is not the end of the world when this type of shiite happens. You can recover and get a great boost in your life if you just seize the chance. Don't hesitate, don't dwell, just DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
 
#188 ·
The phrase "scandalous cheating wh0re" was used many times.

I've felt infinitely better since then. I am taking a job in a town about two hours away. WS has moved out of the house for now. I hooked up with an ex-girlfriend and farked the daylights out of her. I feel like a new man.

Listen up, betrayed men! This is not the end of the world when this type of shiite happens. You can recover and get a great boost in your life if you just seize the chance. Don't hesitate, don't dwell, just DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
RAGING YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!
Bet the sex was hotter than anything since year 1 of the WS!

This post should be stickied!!!!!!!!!!
 
#184 ·
Thanks for the inspiration raging. I just browsed through your journey here and needed to hear that things can look up. I'm a month out from finding out about wife's ongoing, 2nd affair...and see some creepy parallels between the games she's been playing with my mind and how your wife tried to work you.

Keep it up!
 
#187 ·
Good stuff rage,I've follwed your story.
Its nice to see the good guy win.
My wife never went PA but it was complicated.
I begged and talked about memories.
Only when I was letting her go did she start bringing up our "history",she did get it,seems like one of the few who do.
Good for you dude!
Some good inspiration for a lot of others here.
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#191 ·
eh, not really. i quit my job to facilitate my rapid move out of town.

dated two more women, meh. i'm discovering that at my age most women want to find someone to settle down with, i'm only 33 ffs...

my stbxw and i don't really talk at all, except for information regarding the children. really though, we get along better... i've been working on letting go of my anger towards her & what she did. it seems to be working. the thought of getting out of this town is more reassuring than anything else, so i find that i can communicate with her better.

none of that really matters though, as i could truly give perhaps ~1 sh1t about her. i do still care for her and love her. she has told me that she still loves me too. what to make of that, i'm not sure... but i don't really fu(king care. i am gone. i'm going to do the things that i should have done ten years ago, instead of working whatever job i came across while following & supporting her.


so that's about it. i am in a holding pattern until i find a job in an area that is ~3 hours away from my sons. i've only started applying over the last 1.5 weeks, so i haven't heard much yet.
 
#195 ·
dated two more women, meh. i'm discovering that at my age most women want to find someone to settle down with, i'm only 33 ffs...
Then don't date women your age!

I'm 41, gf: 22.

PERFECT!
 
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#192 ·
Keep updating as necessary. Glad you can at least fill your dance card when you want to.

As for settling down...Forgive the women. They hear the biological clock and you don't. It is in their DNA so don't be mad at them.
 
#201 ·
Your story is terrible to read.
However, you may want to reconsider your move away. It's bad for your kids. You should stay nearby to share in raising them.
Unless you can get primary custody of your children and take them with you (not likely in my opinion) you are setting yourself up to be a every-second-weekend dad. Don't.
 
#202 ·
i have been reconsidering this decision since i made it, and i still come out with the same conclusion. i know it'll be bad for my kids. there isn't a single thing that's coming of this whole fiasco that isn't bad for them.

however, for the last TEN YEARS, i have put my career second to hers. i have taken jobs that were beneath both my pay grade and my dignity so that she could bring our family to where she desired. that practice is now ending with my move out of town.

i am in talks with a place just three hours away in a large metro area that are offering me TWICE what I made at my last position. There's no way I'm passing that up. In fact, from a strategic standpoint, it would be more advantageous for me to take the much-higher-pay career path than remain in this sh1tty small town, re/ providing & caring for my children.
 
#205 ·
Has she still got the notion that you'll get back together in three years?
 
#206 ·
dude,,,,, ok, your question made me shake my head so hard that my world spun. you folks wouldn't believe the **** that has transpired. thank god my homie just came by and got my mind right, or i wouldn't be sharing this particular story.

basically she forced my hand, in a limited sense. she has lived with her parents since this bullshiite began. they finally kicked her out. she goes and rents a fvcking EFFICIENCY that is completely unsuitable for the kids. so now the kids live at the house full time, with her and i trading in and out of both places. it's like my own personal hell.

it's not going to be like this for long though, as i have ever-increasing job prospects appearing. i am about three weeks in to the application process, and in my field 3-5 weeks is my average. i have already received a fantastic semi-offer (i haven't actually gotten the offer yet, we'll see what happens) so if it does happen i am gone. i'll stay in a hotel until i can find an apartment.




and as to how she is acting.. the other day she told me that she figures we'll probably have sex at some point, as she is still attracted to me. i agreed and made like i'd be fine with it, and leered at her for a while. we are coexisting to some extent, but i am _completely_ not interested. fvck's sake i met a chick in the metro area i'm looking at that is fvcking awesome, i can't wait to move.

i have _zero_ idea what she is thinking. as far as i'm concerned, she's fvcking nuts. not interested. and that's saying a lot, because i'm a total wh0re.
 
#207 ·
Ha ha, so OM gone and she is reaping what she has sown as they say.
 
#213 ·
Well! Hello again TAM. It's been quite a while, eh? Almost a year? Wow. Funny thing is as I review my thread I don't remember making most of those posts; whether it was the stress or the booze I'll never know. This place has functioned for me as a form of public record, which is FANTASTIC.

This is going to have to be a multi-part update so much **** has happened, but TAM is a valuable resource and maybe someone can get something from my story. Also, I do need some help.

First things first: LongWalk, I don't know what to say about the small town part. It's where she was raised, and where her parents are. The OM in the original scenario is not from the same small town.


OK. I'm going to eat this food, get my thoughts in order, and then update you all on what has transpired in the last year of my life. It's been insane--
 
#214 ·
Well I'll be damned. While you went through your sh!t right before I got here, can't wait to hear how you're doing. Good to see you!
 
#219 ·
Raging!

Hello dude, good to hear from you.

Hope you have something awesome to tell us.

Either a successful reconciliation with a contrite, remorseful exWW or that you have moved on and found someone else who rocks your world (and you have a remorseful, contrite exWW who realises how badly she messed up).

Did you ever think any more on the PM you sent me where you wondered if guys in IT type careers were more likely to suffer these types of marriage problems?
 
#220 ·
Did you ever think any more on the PM you sent me where you wondered if guys in IT type careers were more likely to suffer these types of marriage problems?

That's a very interesting question, Wysh. It might be a good topic for a thread of its own. I have noticed that many BH's, on TAM, have careers in IT, my own BS included, unfortunately. :( Although, having been the WS to a husband in this field doesn't give me any greater insight to the answer. I suppose there may be some strange irony in the fact that the OM in my EA/PA also had a career in IT. :confused:
 
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#222 ·
Probably not.



However the way things were going down it is a possibility that Raging met someone else then WS wanted to reconcile and he now has New Gal and WS competing for him. Who knows, we can speculate but ultimately I just hope it worked out well for him and the kids.
 
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