Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

betrayed, like so many here

143K views 265 replies 60 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 
See less See more
#229 ·
It was harder than expected to reach back and recollect everything that has transpired since my last post. I will do my best to get everything right. Sorry if this is a jumble, I wrote it over the course of the workday.

WXW = Wayward Ex-Wife
NW = New Woman

So, yeah. Key points-

-I moved three hours away to a major metro area.
-i see my kids every 2nd to 3rd weekend. it sucks, but whatever. it's the best that can happen for now. i pay through the ****ing nose for child support, so whatever.
-I doubled my salary instantly, there is so much work for me here it's a bit insane.
-I've dated a few different women, longest one is the one I'm currently dating (going on ~5 months). we're actually hitting it off pretty well. We've talked about moving in together, but my lease isn't up until May so I have plenty of time to see how it all takes shape.


Things have not turned out exactly the way WXW thought they would. WXW is not happy about her decisions, and regrets everything she has done. Story:

Last weekend I went to visit my kids for the day Saturday. The plan was that I would spend Sat. with them, put them to bed, then drive to a friend's house 40 minutes away to spend the night and assist with a motor rebuild the next day. Saturday is going fine, I'm having a great time with my kids as usual. I put them to bed and doze off with them, which is customary for me. APPARENTLY, while I am upstairs with the kids, WXW's roommate returns to the house (WXW & kids live with a female grad student) and the two of them got drunk downstairs while I was upstairs putting the kids to bed. I come out of the kids' room, get ready to go, _completely miss the fact that WXW is drunk_, throw my coat on and go. I go to my friend's place, we get hammered, drunkenly order some car parts, then go to sleep.

The next morning buddy & I meet up with a third person that is also participating in the engine rebuild and we all go get breakfast. Just as we were done eating and heading back to buddy's house to begin work, WXW calls me. She's crying. She tells me that she can't stop throwing up and asks me to come back and watch the kids. I do, and as usual the kids and I have a great time.

Apparently WXW & her roommate got sick off wine while I was upstairs with the kids the night before. That's what I didn't notice as I left, which I find hilarious.

WXW doesn't manage to crawl out of bed until 3:30pm, and only from prodding from me because I had to get home.

The moment that her and I are alone she loses it. She starts bawling. She apologizes profusely about another person ever being involved in the divorce. She says that the divorce should still have happened, but she doesn't know why. She apologizes for how ****ty she treated me. She says she wishes I could be around more. She says she still has deep feelings for me. She says she misses me. I tell her I miss her too, because honestly i do. She tells me that she is seeing someone that lives in a city 1.5 hours away from her, and that she has dated a few other people since the divorce, to which i ask her "why are you telling me this" to which she replies "i thought you would want to know about someone that may be around the kids". She asks me if I am still seeing NW, I tell her yes. She says something weird like "good, i'm glad you found someone that works for you".

she also said she felt 'crazy' for a long time there, but feels like that's *mostly* over with. i told her to me it was that she had a short break with reality, and that I'd feel like a fool for the rest of my life because of her. When she said that she wishes I could be around more I responded "you could move closer to (x city)" to which she didn't reply.

one specific thing WXW said: "she wished she could be more like the person she was supposed to be after having removed me from her life".

i eventually left after helping get the kids dressed to go outside. she thanked me profusely for missing out on that rebuild and helping her when she was sick. i tell her to "write everything she wants to say in an email, so that i can understand her better". she says that she will, but hasn't yet.


so i drive back to my apartment in the metro area. NW is there studying, waiting for my return. She could tell something was up, and she's a smart cookie.. I told NW about WXW getting sick and my going back to watch the kids, but not about what WXW said. NW has become a bit possessive, and asserting herself publicly with me (against other women) when she hasn't before.

I've been letting things come as they may. I don't know what else to do. Should I consider the option of reconciliation? If, for any other reason, than for the kids?
 
#230 ·
I've been letting things come as they may. I don't know what else to do. Should I consider the option of reconciliation? If, for any other reason, than for the kids?
Partner, if I were you I would go back and read your first post and a few of your subsequent posts as well.
 
#246 ·
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

That's exactly what I see here. She needs a babysitter and a man to do the husband things for her. That's all.

In other words: I miss all the husband things you do for me.

raging_pain, you are grasping at straws here. She hasn't even asked for any forgiveness or begging to get back together. All she has to do is mention that she misses you and wished that you were around more and then your already having thoughts of R?

This shows that you're STILL emotionally vulnerable to her, despite having moved and dated other women. You are still engaging her too much. Keep communication about the children ONLY. Because you're still so vulnerable to her, I can see that all she has to do is mention a desire for R or turn on the waterworks and beg, and you will IMMEDIATELY attempt to R with her.

You know this deep down, that if you even do, the cycle will start again. She will again cheat. She will again verbally and emotionally abuse you by telling you she wants a divorce. All she misses about you is the daddy and husband things you do for her.

Not to mention that is is totally unfair to NW. You are using NW as your emotional crutch because you're not over your STBXW. Look, I'm all for R under the right circumstances. But its very obvious that your STBXW is simply a cake eater.
 
#243 · (Edited)
Raging Pain,

You have read your WXW's speech pretty well. She has put out a feeler to see if you are willing to consider it.

When you asked her why she was coming up with this speech, you did the right thing: you pushed her to express herself honestly. She is not quite up to it. There is that matter of pride. The guy who lives far away but who might be in your children's lives... sounds a bit like she doesn't want to admit that NW has her jealous, so she wants to appear as if she has something good going.

But how good can that relationship be if she is missing you more and more and feeling worse about her behavior when cheating. Obviously, this guy is not all that special. And if that is the case why does she have to introduce him to your kids?

Is she really saying I don't want introduce my fvck buddy jerk to our children as a half-arsed step dad if you will take me back and not give me grief about all the crap I've pulled.

That is not an legit offer because a cheater has to show considerable remorse or why bother with R? Reconciliation with a remorseless cheater is R, as in retarded.

If you are interested to know what is really on offer, ask her to explain who she thought she was supposed to become after dumping you.... hey, that's exactly what Acabado wrote. Well, he was dead on. To that you can also ask who she wants to be and what is stopping her.

She is not so much deluded as disillusioned with her own cheating behavior. She has become more realistic. She svcks and she knows it. That is not the same as loving you 100%.

If you are exclusive with NW, you have to tell her about WXW's twist.

You need to get 50/50 custody of your kids.
 
#248 ·
RP,

It's natural to be shocked by her admission. She put you on the dumpster with the old shoes, broken skate board and plastic flowers. Suddenly she understood that you mattered to your lives and her. Whether someone R's or not is a personal decision. Children for sure change the picture.

You can shoot down R without putting her down. Tell her that co-parenting is going better and better.

Again you need to be more than a weekend dad.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#249 ·
Pain, what happens is things didn't happen as she expected, that's all.
And she envies you, she sees you in the city, improving, enjoying your life, getting more money, with a new girlfriend... while she's stuck in the small town with the kids, even in weekends asking her parents to babysit so she can get laid... It's probable this potential alegued new boyfriend is not that interested in being around your kids. It's a veiled threat.
 
#252 ·
i appreciate everyone that has given me a good dose of reality. i know it would be foolhardy(?) to even consider reconciliation. like was said, she'd (maybe?) do it again, and i would constantly be suspicious.

i miss her though, and i don't know why. it's maddening. i feel like a bumbling fool. doubt is lingering over every thought.


aren't there stories (some of them with successful endings) all over this board of people that attempt R, where the WS is completely transparent, and trust is re-built? shouldn't i at least be open to consideration of the option?

and i am beginning to get back to 50/50 custody of my children.. maybe once that has occurred, these doubts that plague me would disappear. at least i sure hope that is what happens.
 
#255 ·
Just expect that it is going to take you a good four to five years before you completely let the pain go and move on. But move on you must. Your WW is clueless and sounds extremely immature to me.

All you can do is play the game, get the best custody deal you can and move forward with your life. Getting cheated on sucks. That's just the reality of the situation. Maybe twenty years from now she will come back and apologize to you like my first ex-wife did, but don't count on it.
 
#254 ·
Ugh I forget did she ever admit the affair was physical?

Anyway reread the thread. No offense but I have seen worse affairs. Whyeme, The guy, Gutpunch...

So R? I dont know but I have seen worse. The guy and GP are in R IIRC.
 
#260 ·
I think your definitely on the right track. Start drafting the divorce with a lawyer now and when you present her with the evidence of her affair, record her reaction because you can use that against her in the divorce. Also, record all the malicious things that she said about you when she was denying you a chance to reconcile. Having these items will make a difference in divorce court.
 
#262 ·
You have to love yourself enough to find the courage to let her go. You have to love her enough to let her go. I don't think we truly know and understand what love is, until we find that place within our hearts to let go of a person. It is courageous to make a decision to let go of a person who is ambivalent about what we mean to them and who cannot reciprocate the love we so freely give to them.
 
#263 ·
Hi all! Nearly a year has passed since my last post, I thought I would pop in and give another update.

Let's see.. WXW and I are very hostile towards one another, but I don't mind. If it weren't for our children, I would be fine with never seeing her again. She has found someone to provide for her, dude has to be at least 10 years her senior. I don't really care. She's lost her freaking mind, and I want no part of it save what is necessary for the kids.

Yes, letting go was very hard. I'm not sure when it even happened, but it did. Finally. I have heard that it takes men about twice as long as women to recover from a scenario such as this, but whatever. I was in one relationship that was wild but short, and another for around 8 months. Unfortunately that one had to end, and I then moved from the suburbs to the heart of the metro. Recently (1.5 months now) I've been dating someone new, and it is a lot of fun. I feel free.
 
#265 ·
She likely forgot that she ever said those things, as she was in a weakened state (sick from booze) when she said them, and to keep her own worldview from breaking she'd pretend like she never said it in the first place. Ever since I moved out of town she's been spiraling, trying to keep up the image that everything she did/does is right.

It was actually a friend of my best friend, he fled the state the day he heard I had discovered the affair. Literally, he moved out of state. Gigantic coward.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top