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betrayed, like so many here

143K views 265 replies 60 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 
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#2 ·
It sounds like she may still be in contact with the OM which is why she's pushing you away so hard. Or she had an exit affair. Keep copies of the evidence someplace safe. Put a voice activated recorder under the driver seat in her car. Install key loggers and spyware on all computers and cell phones.

Then, confront her with what you know.

She will go ballistic. It will be all blamed on you. Stay calm, put it back on her and tell her SHE is the one who cheated and is destroying her family. Exposé the evidence to her parents and yours. Exposé the affair to the OMs wife.

You will have to be prepared to lose this marriage. You do not discuss any sort of reconciliation. Go to the newbies thread at the top of this forum and read the 180. After you confront and expose, follow that.

You do not leave the house. If she wants out, she goes.
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#3 ·
I suggest you expose her to your and her family/friends then upon her coming home hand over the divorce papers. This way you'll send a strong message to her and not look weak by keeping her affair a secret. You need to expose it to kill it.

Stop the MC since there is a 3rd person in the picture. It wont do any good until he is out for good.

Also its good you've realized not to trust her, from now on never trust a word that comes out of her mouth for a long time, if ever.

Just wondering, are you 100% sure you have all the evidence of her affair(s)? Did you secure them somewhere she has no access to?
 
#4 ·
Yeah, I've been in the newbie section, and in fact I've been carrying a copy of the 180 in my pocket and reading it over and over, whenever I would feel like **** (which is quite often).

She is still in contact with the OM. Just last night she sent him an email saying "it's been a rough week, i wish i could talk to you". The OM is not married.

I did have a keylogger running on her computer, but I disabled it after a few weeks. It was making me feel like absolute trash that I was spying on her. Plus, the 180 says not to spy on your spouse, so I'm confused as to what to do.
 
#8 ·
As you can see your wife has little concern for you and until you serve her she will continue to think she has your number.


Having been here for a while the type of affair you are dealing with is one of of the most toxic because your wife is so fogged in that she is willing to give up everything for OM the problem is OM is not so here your wife is willing to let you go but afraid to loss the security and stabliity you offer.

So in this case you must force your hand by filing, if your lucky the Om gets scared off think that your wife will be his problem for now on. I think the OM tells your WW to work on the marriage while banging your wife, that way he has no strings attached to your WW.

Some thing tells me making your wife more available to OM by serving WW will scare him off.

Until the OM is out of the picture your wife will be in the fantasy fog.
 
#5 ·
You have a solid plan so stop second guessing your self. Hold on to the emials file for divorce and make sure the lawyers names OM in the paperwork, have her served and the expose the affair.

This tactic will show your WW how confident you are in letting her go and it will be up to her to do the heavy lifting to withdraw the divorce papers.

YOur wifes a cake eater and will not give up her second life with out the hard reality of getting served. Be prepared for her to get really pissed. See she thinks she is in the drivers seat and you ain't going anywere...prove her wrong and use the said tactic to get her to think twice about her choices.
 
#6 ·
So you already have all the evidence - why aren't you confronting? Keep the keylogger installed. Don't tell her HOW you're getting this info.

The 180 is for after you confront and expose. What are you waiting for?
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#7 ·
keko: i'm an IT professional, she has no idea of what i'm doing. though she has been getting advice from a divorced female friend of hers that was married to a PI, so WS has learned some rudimentary concealment techniques. the evidence i have found so far is sparse, except for a few gems like the one that details the PA from WS to OM.

I suppose I should re-establish the keylogger..
 
#13 ·
Though she has been getting advice from a divorced female friend of hers that was married to a PI, so WS has learned some rudimentary concealment techniques.
I can't begin to say how much I hate people like this 'friend'. 'Friends' like that that justify reprehensible behavior, and even help the WS, are possibly even worse than the betrayer. The proverbial devil on the shoulder...
If you have your WW write NC letters make sure she ditches the toxic 'friends', they're pure poison whether or not you are part of the picture.
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#9 ·
Time is not on your side. File D and throw her out. It is the only way to clear the fog in a hurry. The longer you wait the deeper it goes. Holiday are perfect for this. Do not delay.

In addition you must do the 180. No talking to her about anything except the kids. Most importantly is start moving on. That is good for both of you.

You can not deal with this from weakness. You can not beg, hope or pray. You need to take action. She needs to respect her marriage and you.
 
#10 ·
Do re-establish the keylogger.

If possible you can even place a voice activated recorder(VAR) in her car. This is very important because most cheaters feel the safest inside their car so they talk about everything with all the details whether they are talking with their affair partner or a toxic friend.

Were you able to determine when she's meeting up with this pos? Would a physical surveillance be possible?
 
#19 ·
Do re-establish the keylogger.
ok, will do

If possible you can even place a voice activated recorder(VAR) in her car. This is very important because most cheaters feel the safest inside their car so they talk about everything with all the details whether they are talking with their affair partner or a toxic friend.
ok, i will investigate the option

Were you able to determine when she's meeting up with this pos? Would a physical surveillance be possible?
WS and I have been trading staying at our home with the kids every 2-3 days. When I am there with the kids, she sees him. She also informs him when she'll be at work, where he can meet up with her to do god knows what.
 
#15 ·
Set it up so there are no kids around, just you and your wife for at least an hour. Sit down and have a talk with her. Tell her that you KNOW she is involved with the other guy romantically and having sex with him. Do not tell her how. Never tell her how.

Tell her that you still are willing to reconcile with her, that you still love her, and that you will do everything in your power to improve yourself and improve your marriage but only if she is willing to end the affair completely and work on the marriage. Then give her your conditions: handwritten no contact letter, she allows you to verify that she no longer has contact by giving you complete access to all her communciation devices and accounts, and she gets STD tests.

Then, tell other man's wife or girlfriend what is going on. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

If your wife does not agree to work on the marriage, tell her and your family and close friends that she has been cheating on you, going to marriage counseling with you all the while lying about carrying on an affair, tell them the other man's name, and tell them that she refuses to give up the affair. Tell them you still love your wife and would like to save your marriage and your family and ask for their help and support in doing so.

Tell your wife that if she wants other man so much, she can have him, as a matter of fact, you would like her to pack up her stuff and you will take her over to him. Start packing her stuff for her. If she refuses to go, then let her sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch until she gets out.

If you're paying for her affair, stop. Don't pay for her cell phone, car, and other things she uses to conduct the affair. It's enough that you pay for your house, heat, electricity and food. Separate your finances.

If your wife does agree to work on the marriage, then do it, but verify that she remains in no contact to the extent you can.
 
#20 ·
Remember filing and having her served is alot different then finalizing a divorce. So keep that in mind and stop thinking about it.

A coulpe of thing in the d-paper 1) name OM, 2) moral clause (OM no were near the kids) 3) full custody and all assets.

Makes these d-papers as scary as possible....the d-papers are you confrontation so make them as effective as possible.

Sure I would approach this different if your WW didn't mention divorce, but she did. So you have to take the expencesive route to bring her out of the affair fog.
 
#22 ·
Confronting her with more evidence is only going to get you " we are divorcing anyway, so its none of your business in what I do and with who"

The reality has to hit her in the face hard by having her served with you asking for everything and her getting nothing. Sure she will contest and you will get screwed, but my point is to have an effective confrontation in a case like yours you need to have her served.
 
#23 ·
However you choose to approach this, action is better than no action.

Don't threaten any actions, just do them. So, don't say "end contact or I will file for divorce." Just say, "end contact." If she doesn't agree, just file for divorce without telling her. Same with exposure or any other actions you plan to take. Don't let her in on your game plan.

I think you should expose to other man's wife or girlfriend, but hold off on exposure to your family and friends until after you give her one more chance to tell the truth and agree to reconcile. If she doesn't agree, or if she agrees and then goes back on it by stil staying in contact with other man, then expose to family and friends.

A few lines in case you need them:

"I can't control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept and not willing to accept in a marriage."

"Privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and secrecy has no place in a marriage."

Crying, pleading and begging are bad, calm confidence is good, though it doesn't sound like you will have a problem with this.
 
#24 ·
yeah, but i'm just so unsure of what to do. i'm having major self-confidence issues because of all this, and i don't want to fark up this process. but like you and others have said, waiting will just make it worse. the bit about stopping the MC until OM is gone is logical too.
 
#30 ·
Fake the confidence, like you're an actor in a play. If you stay on the path you're on your marriage is already lost, so approach it as if you have nothing to lose, because that really is very very close to the truth for you at this point.

Other man is a fantasy. With other man, there are no chores, no screaming kids, no financial pressures, no dirty underwear on the floor, just I love you's and sex and dreams of a perfect life together in a fantasy land, where everyone loves them and accepts their relationship as true love.

Is other man married?

Two best ways to break up an affair: 1. Expose to other man's wife. 2. Force her and other man out of the fantasy and into the reality by forcing their hand, let her go live with him and expose to all of your friends and family the real reason your marriage is breaking up.
 
#25 ·
The voice-activated recorder in the car, and in the house in places where she is likely to talk to him when you are not around, are very useful surveillance tools. She always will expect you hacked her phone, her computer, her email, etc., so she may get a burner phone or use a friend's phone, but she will not expect a voice-activated recorder, so it won't matter what device she uses.
 
#28 ·
Am I missing something, or does OP have or do not have a smoking gun?

Take action now and no matter how weak you feel never ever show your wife your lack of confidence, never beg, and never cry infront of her.

Chick dig confident men!

Don't you see your wifes sees your lack of confidence and how it lowers your attraction level? She needs to see a man that will no longer share his wife and will no longer tolorate her crap.

She may not respect you now but when you start to take action (have her served) she will have the respect for you for no longer tolorating her bull sh1t.
 
#26 ·
i've stopped trying to reason with her since reading the 180. It's only been two days since I've changed my attitude, but she has already begun to react differently. She tries to initiate conversations more than usual, she'll ask me the same question over and over to talk to me. This **** is so messed up.


This Monday I am going to the bank, setting up a new account to have my paychecks deposited to, and trying to get a line of credit so I can pay the lawyer. I'll have her served as soon as I can, and tell her I know about the PA.

That's another question: the only way I could have the knowledge I have is if I am aware of her secret email account, how do I impart the knowledge without inadvertently revealing the source?
 
#36 ·
Stay dark you must be a step ahead of her...let the divorce papers be your confrontation. Confronting now will not nearly be as effective as it could be........She already wants a divorce, a confrontation now will just be words and she has your number....confronting now won't mean sh1t

STAY DARK !!!!!!!!!


If you have the need to confront now expect it to go deeper underground and you will loose some of your sources....hell go for it maybe I'm completely wrong and she will stop the cheating and beg for the marriage.


I have a tough choice so take the day to think it over, only your emotional health matters, and if this sh1t is getting out of hand then confront her, ask her to leave.

Most likely she will and while she is packing inform her you are considering this abandonment and will take the aprpreiate actions once she steps out the door.

Do not let her take the kids and start exposing.


I still think your original plan is solid...just emotionaly training.
I just think confronting her now want change a damb thing. The exposure might help. But at the end of the day the madder your WW gets the better job you are doing in making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.
 
#29 ·
File D immediately. You can always stop it when or if you feel secure in moving toward R, or heck, getting remarried after you enjoy life for a while. My biggest mistake was mentioning D after Dday1 but not showing I meant business by filing. I worked on our marriage, she wasn't, and ended up reigniting her affair. Really, really listen to these men and women that say you need to take control and stand up.

The cold hard light of exposure and looking at the D paperwork changed my WWs tune almost immediately.
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#31 ·
it's more like a gun that smells like it's been recently fired, but it's not smoking.. she talks about "having his hands on her" and "devouring him starting with his lips", but nothing explicitly mentions sex.

and the_guy, i am definitely done waiting. like i said, this Monday i'm going to do everything I can to file as fast as possible. How long does it usually take from making the request from the lawyer and actually having papers in hand?
 
#33 ·
Never, ever, reveal your source of info. If you do, you are going to have a harder time confirming she had stop her cheating.

Tell her someone told you -- that's all (that someone is her ;) )

Her friend, the wife of a PI, will give her other tricks to go underground.



And, yes, start isolating and protecting your finances and assets. Remove yourself from any joint bank accounts, credit cards, debts, etc. Revisit your will and insurances.
 
#39 ·
Your going to need to get the dough, a couple grand for retainer, then your lawyer will have to tell you the time frame.

Look for one with a small case laod right now, explain your game plan and inform the lawyer that it is emotionally draining and that your plan to use the dicorce papers to confront her has to happen quick for your own emotional health.
 
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