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Need some advice from the BS here

10K views 85 replies 27 participants last post by  Hope Springs Eternal 
#1 ·
DDay was 16 months ago. Everything was swept under the rug until about 5 months ago. I couldn't take seeing him in constant pain and started looking for help on how to repair what I had done.

I found TAM and started reading. I turned over usernames and passwords. I got it clears through my employer to give him the pass code on my work phone. We've been going to MC and there has been improvement.

Some background on hubby: he is former spec ops who then worked as a medic. After 3 back surgeries, he was physically force to retire and lives with chronic pain requiring narcotics. He is a stay at home dad to our five month old son.

The issue I need help with is that after my EA has come out and we're facing all the problems we've ignored, he says the one thing he has trouble dealing with is that I don't 'need' him. He feels that since our roles have shifted and I am the primary breadwinner and take care of the housework, that he serves no useful purpose in our marriage.

I need him emotionally and tell him that as much as I can but its feeling like I'm still missing something. Is this common? Any thoughts or suggestions?
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#2 ·
Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.

Besides that you love him and need him that way... you need him help raise your son. That is the most important job there is.

He probably feels that it's the man's job to support his wife. So like many men he defines himself by his job/career. And now he does not have one.


This is something that he has to come to terms with.
 
#6 · (Edited)
The nature of the beast here is a guy has to go out and work and be worth his salt.
It may sound like you doesn't think he needs you and his focus is missguilded and use you as a point of refrerence.

What I mean is even if he never met you and didn't have a kid or was with some one else, the bottom line is he feels worthless cuz he isn't worth his salt, not making a living, bringing home the bacon, going out and hunting and bring home the kill for his mate to clean and cook.

The best thing for him is getting on a pain management program and find a little job were he can make *him self* feel worthy.

This isn't about you not needing him, he is just making a round about statement and it real/underlining meaning is he needs to provide so he feels worth to him self.
 
#7 ·
Spec Ops. Alpha guys. Totally understood. Red...what you gotta somehow wrap your brain around is that your husband, as much training and sh-t that he's seen ~ more than any man needs to, he thought he had a woman at "home". Something that he could look at when he was deep in the mire of sh-t called "Whateverastan" and be comforted.

You killed that. I don't say that lightly and I am sorry to be blunt and possibly hurt your feelings, but that's the deal. You hurt your husband...that man who has seen and done so much, that his psyche couldn't bear much more when it comes to personal sh-t.

Yes, as Ele says, sometimes a man feels that it's his job to support his wife...but so many of us define ourselves by our career. How many guys I knew in my past life when asked "who are you" answered "I am a pilot" , before they said, "I am a husband with a great family who I love".

Make sure you never stretch any amount of truth. Make sure that you tell him every f'ng day how greatful you are to have this opportunity to show him your love. And most of all...hold him when he hurts so severely, that none would ever know the depth of that pain.

Just hold him.
 
#12 ·
Ugh - yes, this is a lot of what he's said. He used to brag to everyone that HE had the right kind of wife, one he could trust. I am one of only two people he's ever trusted and the other died three years ago (our best man).
I am NOT giving up on him. Just trying to figure out his definition of need and meeting that.
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#8 ·
By the way...anyone who reads this and reads my Alpha statement at the beginning ~ well, do NOT misunderstand that an Alpha male who is in a line of work such as Spec Ops does not need someone to comfort him. Sometimes, you gotta let that f'ng guard down.

Trust me. I know that.
 
#10 ·
No, it is entirely different.

He feels unneeded, and rightfully so.
You are the primary breadwinner. And because he is SpecOps, that probably means he is not home as much as you want him to be. So he doesn't help as much with the kids. So you don't need his help for raising the kids, or his income.

Saying you need him emotionally, is worthless at this point.
You had an EA. And I am hoping you threw those AP out the window when DDay occurred.
What good is emotional support to him? He saw you outsource emotional support once, so he'll always have, in the back of his head, the thought that you could do it again.
He may also worry, you'll throw him out just like you threw out your AP. Because he saw you do it with them, so what is there to stop you from doing it to him? Nothing you say can really put this thought to rest either.

And these thoughts and problems will drive a man insane.
 
#19 ·
Strangely enough, our marriage did really, really well when he WAS home less because I am independent so it stayed balanced. When he retired, he went into a depressed funk. He just withdrew. Any suggestion of counseling back then earned me one hell of a fight. Then his best friend died in an accident. Then we lost the house. Then his mother sued us. Then the EA.

I know how lucky I am that he fought so hard to shake me up and get my head straight. I tell him every day that I love him and try to show him. When he says something about how he really feels, I don't take it for granted since that doesn't come easily for him. It's just hard to decipher at times but I want to get it right since I f'd up so badly.
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#11 ·
It not about you not needing him its about him feeling like he can't provide for him self and his family.

he needs to find something that brings meaning for him self and its hard cuz hes all jacked up.

Granted you didn't do him any favors but lets stay on topic, he needs a self esteem boost by being able to provide..even if its not much...something that will bring him some self worth.

I bet he would make a great security consultant if you hasn't high and had a better pain managment program.
 
#15 ·
Yeah the pain management is pretty f'd up. He has permanent and and ongoing deterioration of his nerves. In addition to all the titanium screws and rods, he has wires running up his spine hooked up to a unit in his hip that sends electrical impulses. That takes the pain down about 30%, the narcotics he takes about 1/3 of the prescribed dose and that takes him down some more but it's still never gone.
I've stopped 'babying' him or scolding when he's doing something that aggravates the pain since that bugs him to no end.
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#21 ·
Hi Red. :) Fellow WW, husband is a combat veteran and now is in federal law enforcement. Has he looked into the GI Bill? He'd have to take classes, but it is tax free money and the government pays the school directly. Maybe that income could help him feel better about himself and be invested in his business?

You sound very supportive, btw. Good luck. :)
 
#22 ·
Thanks Annie - I'll have to research that stuff and see what he can qualify for - can't hurt! The biggest problem is the constant necessity for narcotics so studying is well, troublesome but maybe if done a little at a time it would work.

He's returning tomorrow night from a bike show that didn't go so well so I'm going back to what I used to do:
A bottle of red wine, two huge rib eye steaks, a babysitter, candles and lingerie. I may not do so well keeping his spirits up outside the bedroom but at least I know I can do that!
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#23 ·
The VA in my region is pretty great. My husband just calls them up and they answer all his questions. I even have a friend who is going to school on her HUSBAND's GI Bill but I think he's still active duty.

I hope he qualifies. My husband took 4 week classes at a school here, but you only attend 1 day a week for 4 hrs.

Annie
 
#25 ·
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#29 ·
He is suffering from a huge kick to his ego. I agree with the others that he needs to find something to do to build that back. It will come in time. He sounds like the kind of guy that will find a way.

Since most men feel they are to be the provider then at the root of this is a feeling that he has lost some degree of his masculinity. No one knows him as well as you so In the mean time you need to find ways to make him feel his manly side more. It will reduce the impact somewhat. I can't you exactly how to accomplish that cause ever mans different but I can tell you it won't work by telling him how much hes needed or whatever. He would think that was just trying to make him feel better and would disregard it. It has to be subtle subconscious things. Make yourself seem helpless even when you aren't so he has to help poor little old you. Know what I mean?
 
#31 ·
Has he ever considered writing? He must have some good background for stories. I mean, a spec ops soldier who becomes a medic? Lots of background, there!

Hang on! That's my father in law! He was Royal Marines SBS (back in the day when they were really tough) and then became a medic after he finished his time in the SBS. Sorry! Sidetracked myself, there!;)

But even if your husband were to just start a blog (Blogger.com is the easiest I know of) that would give him an outlet.
 
#35 ·
Thanks folks - it's helpful to hear this since I'm really baffled at times with what to do.

BH and I have had an opportunity to have some really meaningful conversations over the last few days. He's been looking over some of my posts on TAM which has also been really helpful (mostly) as well as some of yours. I've suggested that perhaps he post here when he's feeling stressed or just to help vent and get out some of his feelings.

Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.
 
#36 ·
Smiled when I read this.

I tell myself not to read the CWI section, but get drawn in time and time again.

It can get quite depressing to read some of the crap that us humans can put each other through.

But when you read something like this it lifts your heart.

So good to hear of a success story.

Good luck to you both.

Post some piccies of the wedding in the social spot if you can.
 
#42 ·
Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.
You've done everything right to repair this marriage. You've proven to him that you're sincere, and he's acknowledged his part in all this (judging by his thread). And he wants to marry you all over again! I can't think of anything better than this! Wish you two the best!

The infidelity section does get depressing after a while, it's good to see good news too :)
 
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#50 ·
There is definitely no abuse going on. For most of our marriage, my husband worked 14 - 16 hour days 6 days a week. He was the primary breadwinner in our household.

Additionally, he made sure that my daughters from a previous relationship, were cared for and he always treated them just like his own children.

This wasn't just a 'fantasy world', my actions were deliberate and hurtful. Had the roles been reversed, I would have been absolutely crushed. Add to that the fact that I knew how depressed and lost he was when he found himself in a position that he wasn't ABLE to be the same person who worked crazy hours and took care of everything for everyone else. That's pretty crappy and essentially was kicking him when he was down.

Then, for a year, after I had cut off contact, I continued to treat him like HE was the bad guy being rude and confrontational.

Soooo... we're now in a place where we're putting all our emotions, worries, actions out on the table so everything is transparent. The fact that he shared that tells me a lot and lets me know that his patience in waiting for me to commit to this marriage was wearing thin.

That still leads me to my original question of how do you make someone feel needed? If you have some insight on that, let me know. :)
 
#55 ·
. . . That still leads me to my original question of how do you make someone feel needed? If you have some insight on that, let me know. :)
Dear TCSR,

May I suggest that your H's problem isn't that he doesn't "feel needed" but rather that, as he measures things anyway, you really don't need him.

You seem to have done everything you can to let him know that you value his love, emotional support, etc. However, given who he is, that isn't enough. To a man, feeling "needed" means being respected by his woman as a good provider and as a desirable sexual partner. Given that you are the family's sole bread-winner, he perceives that he has failed in the first capacity and, sadly, given your unfaithfulness, he likely believes he has failed in the second as well. I can only imagine how heavily this must weigh on him.

On top of that, your continually to tell him that you need him might actually be counterproductive. He's knows it's not true (again, as he measures things) and he may believe that are just saying it out of pity. By trying to help him in this manner, you simply remind him that he is the dependent on you, not the other way around, which only makes him feel worse.

Only your H can solve this problem and, IMO, that requires that he start doing something productive. Being a SAHF may be of value to you but, to him, it probably just makes him feel like he has very little to contribute -- as a man -- to his family (you know, child care is "woman's work" and all that).

Consider whether it wouldn't be better to let him know that, while you're willing to do what you can to help, this is his problem and only he can solve it. Encourage him to consider what he might do besides (or in addition to) taking care of your children. Perhaps he could find work that his health permits or go back to school or even do volunteer work.

Of course, you should continue to reinforce your respect for him in every way you can, but what he really needs is to be able to respect himself.

Hoping for the best for you and your family.
 
#52 ·
Your H sounded like he was struggling to be able to express himself, to ask for help when he needs it, because it makes him feel like a weak man & he's been conditioned his entire life to not feel this way.

I think you don't get over a lifetime of conditioning very quickly. I also think that it sounds like his work ethic and worldview have brought him and his family good things. So, he 's walking this fine line between being able to open up and living with himself once he does it.

Small steps, I guess. If he can allow himself a small 'weakness' at first & you accept it and make it clear that it doesn't reflect poorly on him as a man, maybe with time he'll find his way to more open expression.
 
#53 ·
Gonna chime in here, despite my considerable inexperience. Just so you have an idea where I'm coming from, I've been officially separated from my wife for over 4 months, but unofficially I'd say it was over a year as we were living like roomates in the same house. I will not R and we are both now moving on. She was extremelly co-dependant, whereas I am not. This is a crucial factor, but may not apply to your marriage at all.

The topic of need came up near the end of our marriage. While discussing co-dependance, I had told my wife that unlike co-dependant people, I am capable of making my own self happy. She took this as "I don't need you".

Maybe it was the combination of books I was reading, coupled with the advise of the MC and IC, but I got to thinking, maybe 'need' isn't so healthy. Maybe WANT is better than NEED.

'Want' might also be a bit easier to approach as well. This can be little things that make a difference too.

How would your husband feel if you were to tell him you wanted him to go out bowling with you and your friends, or, please come out and see this awesome thing I saw...
 
#54 ·
My H did something very unusual just yesterday. He actually came right out and said "I need your advice about what to do here". During his A he was the smartest guy in the room(in his opinion) and I was 'just' the wife. So for him to actually say he needed my help is HUGE for him and made me feel good. Something like that maybe, but only if its genuine.
 
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