Husband just left for business trip..
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 07:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband just left for business trip..

Need some advice. My husband just left for a week long business trip. I haven't completely trusted him for a while due to many things. After he left I was on the computer and checked the browsing history- he always always clears it, but was in a rush and did not today. I found history of searching for escorts in the town he is going to be in on his trip all week- clicked on many 'ads'. He typed in the name of the webpage, did not google- backpage.com- which makes me think he has checked it out before. I don't know what to do- confront him? If he wants to he will and I will never know the difference, except now I can think of nothing else.

We have been married 5 years, 2 kids..having a problems lately but thought things were improving. I seem to want to work it out more than he does. I have found lots of charges on the credit card before from strip clubs, he denies and denies. I have no idea or proof if he has ever physically cheated.
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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Need some advice. My husband just left for a week long business trip. I haven't completely trusted him for a while due to many things. After he left I was on the computer and checked the browsing history- he always always clears it, but was in a rush and did not today. I found history of searching for escorts in the town he is going to be in on his trip all week- clicked on many 'ads'. He typed in the name of the webpage, did not google- backpage.com- which makes me think he has checked it out before. I don't know what to do- confront him? If he wants to he will and I will never know the difference, except now I can think of nothing else.

We have been married 5 years, 2 kids..having a problems lately but thought things were improving. I seem to want to work it out more than he does. I have found lots of charges on the credit card before from strip clubs, he denies and denies. I have no idea or proof if he has ever physically cheated.
What kind of proof do you need? In general, all the "proof" that is required is "inclination" and "opportunity". In other words, you don't have to catch him in the act. Your "gut" is telling you that he intends to cheat on you. You have also found "proof" in the credit card purchases, which he denies.

So my question to you is this. What is your "deal breaker"? Is it not enough that he charges strip clubs on his credit card and denies this? Is it not enough that he is looking for escorts in the cities where he has business to take care of? What then is enough?

What you could do is to get copies of all that information you have and consult with a lawyer as to your options. You see, if your worst fears are met, and he still denies, then you can't possibly reconcile as he will not have acknowledged any fault in order to "fix" the marriage.

I am so sorry that you are being hurt by his actions. There is a reason your "gut" is sending you warnings. Heed the warnings and start to consider your "worst case scenario".
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Im so sorry that you are dealing with this, it is in man ways one of the most painful things a person can go through. You are being betrayed by the person you love, the person that is supposed to love and cherish you through thick and through thin. You will find lots of support here on this forum, as well as lots of advice. Some of it will be blunt and painful, some of it may be of little value to you, but if you really take the time to listen, you may just find the support you need to get your relationship to a healthy place once again.

Just so you are 100% clear, backpages is a web site where people sell sex. Your husband is going to have sex with a prostitute while he travels for his business trip. There are several things you need to do in order to know how to proceed. First and foremost, you must ask yourself if you still love this man, and if he is worthy of the effort it is going to take to fix things. If the answer is no, please go consult with a divorce attorney while your disloyal husband is on his business trip. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are when it comes to divorce. If the answer is yes, then read on.

Since he has already demonstrated that he will deny the truth when confronted, you will need rock solid evidence that he can't deny. While he is gone, you will need to install a good monitoring/keylogger program on all of the computers in the house. You should also install mobile spy (www.mobile-spy.com) on his cell. Gather your proof, save copies and store them in a safe location, then confront him.

Tell him you expect him to be 100% honest and transparent with you if he wants to stay married. That means you get total access to everything, all his passwords and accounts. Cell, bank, facebook, whatever else. He can no longer delete anything without you reviewing it. He must also start attending individual counseling to figure out why he has so little respect for you and the marriage, and once he has a few sessions under his belt, he mus attend couples counseling with you to learn how to have healthy boundaries and how to hep you heal.

Read through a few threads in this section for some other ideas of how to proceed. Look for one called "cwi noobies start here" I think that's what its called, im sure someone will post the link soon.

Good luck, keep us posted.
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

I agree with SurvivorWife, you have to figure out if this is enough for you or not. The thought that he is gone for a week and you know that stuff would make me sick all week long. If you ask him he will deny it, as most cheaters do.

If you say something what do you think the outcome will be? He will deny it, you wont believe him, he either will or wont do what he was planning to do and then he comes home, and then what?

If you dont say anything its going to eat you up all week.

My best suggestion to you is to tell him that you saw what he was looking up, you have printed it up along with made copies of the cc bills and if he cares at all he is going to stop what he is doing, otherwise you will be seeing a laywer.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

Here's what I suggest. Call him. You need to stop this from happening. Maybe he has done it before (most likely), but maybe not. You should presume it has though he will tell you no.

Tell him what you found. Normally, I would advise not to confront without better evidence, but when you can stop things before they happen I feel you should. You sleep better knowing you didn't just let it happen. Tell him what you found and you know what it is. Tell him you are going to file for divorce. Go see an attorney while he is gone.

Tell him unless he gets his a$$ home now and deals with htis, when he comes home, it will not be to his home. Make him agree to MC imediately. Search iheartlife on here and look at how she found a MC- you need one that underdtands sex addiction. Tell him he goes with you to MC or you go through with D- plain and simple.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

I agree with Slater. I think you need to atleast try to stop it from happening! You wont ever know if you did or not but if he is worried about losing his family then he might think long and hard about what you are saying!
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

Agree with the above.
Tell him he has 12 hrs to get home before the locks are changed and a lawyer is consulted. Don't discuss things other than stating you have proof he's planning on being unfaithful. "Come home and discuss this with me calmly or talk to my lawyer."
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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Originally Posted by j1013 View Post
Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
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Can you hire a detective in the town he is visiting. You can likely find one on the internet and finding someone in the town where he is cheating will save you the travel expenses of the Private eye.

You need to get photographs to catch him in the act.

Most cheater will deny deny deny without proof. Been there, done that.

Also once you confront, he may go underground making it more expensive to catch him.

Edited to add:

Also, the courts don't consider going to a strip club to be cheating.

You will get a far better divorce settlement if you can prove he was having an affair not just visiting strip clubs or looking for excorts. Searches do not prove an affair.

Last edited by remorseful strayer; 12-10-2012 at 11:46 AM.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

You have enough proof. I would change the locks and greet him with his stuff in garbage bags on the front lawn when he gets back. Don't bother with MC - you need two people willing to work on things for MC to help. Tell him he either gets IC for his problem and starts behaving like a moral person and proving it, or you're done.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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I seem to want to work it out more than he does..
Even though this statement might be true, never ever let him know this. The *perception* you must have is the oppisit. You must beable to smile and wish him the best, and inform him that you want more out of a man then he can offer and ask him to leave.

This tactic will show him how confident you are in letting him go. Never beg or cry for your marriage in front of him, again your man has to see that you do not want this kind of marriage and you have no problem with finding another man.

I know you are scared to let him go and lose this marriage, but until you get him to start to second guess his choices and and think twice in what he is about to lose he will continue ...thinking you aren't going any were.

Get it?

Showing him weakness won't make him think of changing or what he is about to lose.

Showing him confidence that you can let him go will shift the power from him wanting this to work more then you do.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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Originally Posted by j1013 View Post
Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
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He will deny. So there is no reason to confront him just yet.

You need to go into data collection mode. Put a key logger on the computer he uses. If you don't confront him he will think he got away with it and continue whatever activity he is doing. Hopefully he's not doing this same thing while in town. But with a keylogger you wil find out.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, velcro'd to a hidden surface. A lot of cheaters talk to their affair partners in the car while driving.

See an attorney and find out your rights.

Get tested for STD's. he's putting your life at risk.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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Originally Posted by j1013 View Post
Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
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You should call him. It will taint any pleasure he'll get from having sex with hookers. If he knows you know and that his marriage is on the line because he cant control his desire for strange women, he may reconsider this time on this trip.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

The good thing is that he can afford to pay for sex. He can use the money instead to pay child and spousal support.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband just left for business trip..

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He will deny. So there is no reason to confront him just yet.

You need to go into data collection mode. Put a key logger on the computer he uses. If you don't confront him he will think he got away with it and continue whatever activity he is doing. Hopefully he's not doing this same thing while in town. But with a keylogger you wil find out.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, velcro'd to a hidden surface. A lot of cheaters talk to their affair partners in the car while driving.

See an attorney and find out your rights.

Get tested for STD's. he's putting your life at risk.
Thank you, can I ask does having more data help in a divorce? Which keylogger do you recommend?
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