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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 11:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need WS views please

I am interested to know if its possible to love, really love your spouse but still cheat?

I'm personally referring to straight forward sex cheating, nothing emotional or A......ONS type cheating....but more than once.

I'm struggling to understand how my H could love me as much as he implies he does....and actually he made me feel and believe....and yet he could cheat on me, and it didn't seem to effect him too much at the time.

Is it possible to truly love your spouse and still cheat........so many people say 'if they love you they wouldn't cheat'

What do you waywards have to say?

Thanks
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by gemjo View Post
I am interested to know if its possible to love, really love your spouse but still cheat?

I'm personally referring to straight forward sex cheating, nothing emotional or A......ONS type cheating....but more than once.

I'm struggling to understand how my H could love me as much as he implies he does....and actually he made me feel and believe....and yet he could cheat on me, and it didn't seem to effect him too much at the time.

Is it possible to truly love your spouse and still cheat........so many people say 'if they love you they wouldn't cheat'

What do you waywards have to say?

Thanks
I think it is possible.

It depends on the reasons for the cheater being able to justify cheating.

There are all sorts of issues contributing to it.

He won't recognize problems in himself, no matter how intelligent or educated or remorseful he is.

So, these issues will need to sort out by therapist and must be addressed in therapy.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need WS views please

Well my affair was emotional so my experience isn't what you asked for but FWIW I did and still do so my answer is yes.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need WS views please

Yes, I do think so. It's called compartmentalizing. Is it selfish and self-centered? Yes, most definitely.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need WS views please

While I tend to be a bit of a romantic, I could easily see myself hiring a bargirl for an evening of essentially irrelevant sex. It is like renting a "Real Doll" (Don't google it)

It is not irrelevant to my wife.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I think it is possible.

It depends on the reasons for the cheater being able to justify cheating.

There are all sorts of issues contributing to it.

He won't recognize problems in himself, no matter how intelligent or educated or remorseful he is.

So, these issues will need to sort out by therapist and must be addressed in therapy.
Thanks for your reply......MC or IC?

P.s. How does anyone justify cheating
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well my affair was emotional so my experience isn't what you asked for but FWIW I did and still do so my answer is yes.
So knowing that you loved your wife.....

...how did you justify how you treat your wife....knowing you could potentially, and quite likely lose her forever if she caught you cheating?

Did you feel guilty or were you lost in your EA?

Thanks for reply
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes, I do think so. It's called compartmentalizing. Is it selfish and self-centered? Yes, most definitely.
Thanks redhead, I think this is most likely what my H did......just didn't think about me, and what it would cost him/us/ our kids if he got caught, because he knew the rules, and he knew how I felt about cheating......his love for me maybe wasn't enough to bother him!
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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While I tend to be a bit of a romantic, I could easily see myself hiring a bargirl for an evening of essentially irrelevant sex. It is like renting a "Real Doll" (Don't google it)

It is not irrelevant to my wife.
And you would rent this "real doll" with the knowledge that if your wife found out, you would lose her?

Did you say you love your wife?

There would be so little cheating going on if spouses had crystal balls. (Excuse the pun!)

Thanks for your input
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So knowing that you loved your wife.....

...how did you justify how you treat your wife....knowing you could potentially, and quite likely lose her forever if she caught you cheating?

Did you feel guilty or were you lost in your EA?

Thanks for reply
Justify it? I didn't - I knew what I was doing. I didn't rewrite our marital history or bash my wife - I just didn't think about it. Compartmentalization at its finest. I felt horribly guilty when I thought about it, which is why I tried to avoid thinking about it. So do you know what the number one way to not think about it was? To talk to my OW - to be in the EA. So it became a self sustaining and perpetuating thing. I didn't want to face what I was doing so I'd hide in my EA, which made me feel guilty so I'd hide some more, which made me feel guilty and on and on. I was such a mess I was taking ambien to get any sleep and drinking like a fish. The OW was taking ambien and xanex to live with herself.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I agree with sigma.

I was guilty, felt bad but there was something missing in my marriage that I just couldn't regain, despite trying for years.

yes, I loved my wife and wanted the marriage to be put back together but felt it was gone despite my love.

It doesn't justify cheating. It was wrong. But during the affair I still loved my wife (did not "love" my affair partner).
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for your reply......MC or IC?

P.s. How does anyone justify cheating
Both of you need marriage counseling and individual counseling. The betrayed spouse needs IC to process their grief and feelings of loss, and the Strayer needs counseling to understand what allowed them to cheat.

There really should be no way to justify cheating.

Still, human psychology being what it is there are all sorts of things that can enter into the picture....for example sex addictions, damage to frontal lobes due to head injury or stroke that may cause a loss of impulse control, compartmentalization, disassociation, certain types of personality disorders, early stages of dementia, etc.

Some of these issues can be addressed and fixed by therapy a few can't. Your therapist can tell you which ones can be helped with therapy.

Also, it's best for the straying spouse to understand through counseling that it is never the loyal spouses fault. Rationalizations will be made while in the affair or while in reconciliations. But if the straying spouse is in any way still blaming the loyal spouse, the straying spouse has not recovered fully from his escapade and his reasons for cheating will likely surface again.

There was no justification for my straying. None. If there were issues in the marriage, those should have been addressed and if therapy failed, a divorce could have been sought. Cheating takes the opportunity for the loyal spouse to know about or fix problems.

A loyal spouse can't fix a marriage if they don't know it's broken. When enlightened, if they don't work on the marriage, there is always the option to divorce.

Last edited by remorseful strayer; 12-11-2012 at 11:09 AM.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by gemjo View Post
I am interested to know if its possible to love, really love your spouse but still cheat?

I'm personally referring to straight forward sex cheating, nothing emotional or A......ONS type cheating....but more than once.

I had a ONS...and I can honestly say at that time I did not really, truly love my ex. My actions were not those of love. They were of vindictiveness and revenge...plain and simple. I was behaving in an evil way.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I had a ONS...and I can honestly say at that time I did not really, truly love my ex. My actions were not those of love. They were of vindictiveness and revenge...plain and simple. I was behaving in an evil way.
That does not preclude feeling love and being in denial about it .

Was yours a revenge affair?

The problem with most people is that they don't realize that it is totally human and normal to occasionally hate someone you love dearly.

Most spouses feel hatred toward their spouse and they think it means the marriage is a failed one.

In the next relationship they will feel the same way at some point. They just don't know it yet.

There is a book called passionate marriage in which they discuss "normal marital hatred".

This is also discussed often at marriage workshops.

Some people feel that hatred and use it to justify cheating. It's not a good justification.
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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That does not preclude feeling love and being in denial about it .

Was yours a revenge affair?

The problem with most people is that they don't realize that it is totally human and normal to occasionally hate someone you love dearly.

Most spouses feel hatred toward their spouse and they think it means the marriage is a failed one.

In the next relationship they will feel the same way at some point. They just don't know it yet.

There is a book called passionate marriage in which they discuss "normal marital hatred".

This is also discussed often at marriage workshops.

Some people feel that hatred and use it to justify cheating. It's not a good justification.
Well, I didn't realize at the time he had been cheating on me for months so not sure if that is quite a revenge affair. It was more revenge for using me for my credit to buy a house and then say he wants a divorce and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I will take a look at that book, thank you. I don't want to justify anything. I was an angry person back then and just didn't think about any consequences. I was being selfish and self destructive. There were definitely better ways I could have handled the news of him telling me he wanted a divorce.
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