OUCH. DH, how miserable. Especially to try and 'compete' with a freakin ghost. Someone who never existed, at least not the way he thinks she does. I think that is likely true with all AP's. They show only their 'good side' to your WS. I just posted this in another thread. Its hard when your ws looks at the AP thru rose colored glasses, while judging you with the cold harsh lense of reality. They see your flaws. SHE has none.
My H was like this during his EA and for mos afterward. I could say "you look good today babe" and he'd say "eh, thanks" and that was it. It meant nothing. However if SHE said "you look good today" OMG! surely the heavens had opened and bestowed an angel unto him....
vomit. But unfortunately, its true. You represent reality. Bills. Sick kids. Taking out the trash. Forgetting to pick up his dry cleaning. The flu. Morning breath. and SHE is all bright eyed and bushy tailed in the am bc she wasnt up with his sick kids all night. She forgot HER H's drycleaning so she could hurry in to see him. She doesnt see him when she's sick. Or with morning breath. She always puts her best foot forward. As does he when he's with her.
He doesnt know the difference or he cant draw the difference in real love and infatuation.
So what can you do? Well IMO you have two choices:
1. Wait it out and hope he comes around, which he likely will eventually.
2. Leave him and have him let you know when you arent plan B. Personally I couldnt live with "she will always have a special place in my heart". Thats BS. It sounds like he likes it that way to me. The ws' I know of have all said "I WANT HER OUT!" and keep working until she is excised from their heads and hearts. they dont just accept that she is there to stay and expect you to do the same.
As I see it thats all there is. Do you see any other options?