How do I get over it?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » How do I get over it?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 11:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry How do I get over it?

So I've been with my husband about 6 years now and he got drunk the other night and went to some lady's house and messed around. He says he only kissed her but he was there for 3-4 hrs. And, my husband has a history of lying to me ..porn, drinking ect. so i dont believe everything he says. When he came home I put it on him and he denied it. Then he left me a voicemail the next morning admitting to it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't even look at him when we talk and I don't want him touching me. We have four kids otherwise I wouldn't be here. Any feed back would be appreciated. Thanks
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Please start with the newbie link in my signature.

You can never 'get over' being cheated on. You can move past it, but it will always have happened, and it will always hurt.

Now, YOU aren't the one who needs to do much - HE is. What is he doing to prove to you he isn't still lying and cheating?? His life should be an open book right now - you have full access to EVERYthing he does or says. His phone, computer, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. He should be falling all over himself to win you back. He is VERY lucky you didn't throw all his belongings out the door and change the locks.

Also, 'just kissed' is cheatspeak for sex. So go and get STD tested and DO NOT have sex with him any more until he has proven he is clean, and truly remorseful.

Lastly, he'd better quit drinking. Was he at a bar, or what?
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Ya he said he had to go to the bar with a guy from work cuz if he doesn't do things like that it will effect his job
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Bull****. No more bars or booze. Period.

Have you read the newbie link in my signature? Unless your husband does a bunch of stuff, you should prepare to divorce him. PLEASE don't 'stay for the kids'. Your kids want you to be happy, not miserable for their sakes.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

U r right and I know it. I did tell him no more drinking or I'm gone. He agreed, reluctantly of course and yes li made a dr apt but, I should make him do that too.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Quote:
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Ya he said he had to go to the bar with a guy from work cuz if he doesn't do things like that it will effect his job
Going to a bar with a guy from work does not necessarily translate into DRINKING at that bar with a guy from work. He could have ordered a soda and still participated in the social aspect. I think his story (and his other story) is full of holes.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

My husband also has a drinking problem, he drinks everyday. Not that he gets drunk everyday. When ever I ask him to slow down he brings up my smoking and says its no different. He hasn't drank since it happened because I demanded he quit. So I guess we will see how long he makes it. I bet not long though because I made him stop and that rarely works.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

You can tell him that until he provides you with written proof that he's clean you won't have sex with him. But you need to worry about YOU right now.

There is a difference between trying to force him to do certain things, and setting your own boundaries about what you will tolerate. You can't force him to quit drinking, but you can be true to yourself by refusing to remain with someone who has a drinking problem and refuses to get help. Give him a choice, not an ultimatum. He can continue drinking, but if he does you will leave (or better yet kick him out)

Please read the newbie link, especially about the 180. You really need to start doing things that will help YOU right now.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

I did read it, thank u
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Drinks. Lies. Cheated only once.

I don't get the feeling that he is remorseful.

I think he doesn't respect you and the family.

Are you financially dependent on him?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Yes I am totally dependant unfortunately. All I've been doing is having his babies one after another, have a 6 month old right now
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

I left my lying cheating drunk first husband with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Walked out the door with nothing but a couple of suitcases. There is NO reason to stay with someone who treats you like that.

I was on welfare for about 6 years. Today I make a significant amount of money working full time. My current husband and I went to Hawaii this year.

What I am saying is, you just have to decide to DO it. it is a CHOICE that you CAN make.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

I think that's part of what hurts so much, I sacrifice me time, socializing, exercising, education, working, independence and the list goes on. I do this willingly and lovingly for my family and I feel like he just takes. I have forgiven him for his lying about porn addiction I compromised on the drinking and going out to socialize without me cuz I'm always home with the kids. I have forgiven him for the times he disappears for hrs and won't answer his phone cuz he is drinking somewhere. I know marriage is work and by getting married I agreed to be there for him I just wonder where to draw the line I guess.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

Sounds like you are the only one of the two of you that is married.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get over it?

That's exactly how I feel Yup!
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