My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 12:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Hi Everyone,

Not sure how to proceed but I will give this a try. Me and my wife have been married for 15 years. We have 2 girls 5 and 7 years old. The last ten have been different. do to having kids, building a house and having it burn down after we just moved in. Then rebuilding and moving back in. All of which consumed about 7 years of our lives. The last three we have been living in the new house.

During that time we grew apart because the kids slepted in our bed and I could not sleep in a crowded bed like this. This affected our love life dramatically. Basically making us roommates. Finally, my wife started to make the kids who are older now sleep in there own beds. This brought me back and made me feel like I could try and get close to my wife again.

So I started to reconcile with her on her birthday. Only to find out that there was some deep anger issues she had with me. I started to sleep in our bed again and we started sleeping together again. But something was very different. So said I felt like a stranger and got mad at me for thinking I could flip a switch and come back into her life.

I really felt that something was weird about this so I ask her if she was seeing someone esle. She denied it! I did not believe her so I began to investigate her phone bills and found many text messages and calls to the same number. I put a track on her phone and in August caught her with a guy. Turned out to be a co-worker all hell broke loose. He is also married.

That night we talked about this and she gave me the laundry list of issues she had with me. She agreed that we get therapy to help us work this out. the therapist discovered that my wife has deep anger and resentment towards me. And said that this was a crisis and we both will need to get individual therapist to work out our own issues while our couples therapist works on us.

It's December now, alot has happened during this rebuilding process. Many ups and down times. Like a roller coaster. My wife has been struggling to get close to me and for since August I have been instructed to give her space while she is sorting herself out. During this time we have been working hard we have fun together have taken trips. getting along great! Except for her continued distance. She is not distant all of the time but seems to not be as affectionate as I know she can be. She does not touch me during the day very much but will give me a kiss in the morning and night. She does say she loves me. Even received flowers on our anniversary with a very nice card. saying she loves me. This was a first in a very long time.

The problem is me too. I am having trust issues. Very hard to believe that someone could be nice to you to your face and be cheating on you at the same time.

My wife has discoved that she has some serious personal issues which go back to when she was a child and how she was raised. Basically raised in a household of fear. Anyway, I don't know why I can't just feel good about where we are at right now. Everything seems like we are on the mends. Even my wife says that now I am doing everything right and me feeling her pail is helping her heal.

So why don't I trust her. How do I stop feeling like she is going to come home one day and say we are done.

We finally got together the other night and made love again. She was really uptight and nervous and told me she was. Said, she was nervous because it has been so long and she was emotional about it. Also some of the stress is brought on with us having to decide that we can not afford to live in this house and either have to walk away or short sale. This is not helping our relationship for sure. I'm stressed about it too.

Don't get me wrong my wife seems to be doing all the right things too. She even offered to take my mom shopping. This was new to me. My therapist says that she would be be doing any of these things if she was not planning to stay. But I cannot convince myself completely.

I asked her that I would like to talk about how I could please her more in the bedroom. Since we have never had that discusion. But he said she is just not ready to do that right now.

Let me know what you think about ll of this. I'm sorry it's not well written.

Thanks,
ch123
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

So, what has your wife done to ensure that the reconciliation is going in the right direction? Is she now transparent with her email, phone and social media? Does she tell you where she is going, i.e. account for her time when you two are apart. Most importantly, is she no longer in contact with the other man? Are you verifying that no contact is being enforced by her?

Was this a physical affair or purely emotional? If you caught the 2 of them together, I'm assuming it went physical? You bear no responsibility for her cheating on you. That is 100% her. You two share the problems in the marriage up until the time she decided to engage in an EA/PA.

I know you two want to be great parents, but at the end of the day the two of you need to see each others as lovers first, not as mother/father of my children. If the reconciliation is going well, I hope the two of you learned this. You cannot let your kids get in the way of your marriage. Easier said than done, but you have to figure out a way.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Nothing in your post makes me think your wandering wife is remorseful. Nothing. Look, you can't chase her back. It's not enough for you to want her back. No remorse = no reconciliation. Based on that alone, unless I'm missing something, I don't see that you've even started the reconciliation process.

What "actions" has she done to demonstrate remorse? I'm not talking about tearful words. Actions....
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

1st things 1st, Is she still in contact with the co-worker? if so how do you know it ended?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

In terms of kids sleeping in the same bed I am in the same boat you were. I even tried to take over that part and teach them to sleep in their own rooms myself but my wife stopped it cause she couldn't take the crying...so they start out in one room and end up in ours by some time during the night pushing us both to the edges..

Mine hasn't cheated though but it does create a rift. Do not accept blame for it. And if I were you I would not accept childhood experience as an excuse for what she did either. Living in a house of fear? To some extent we all did so I don't know what that has to do with cheating on you.

Sorry for the sports analogy but it seems like she has you on the ropes when you should have her on the ropes. She is resentful of you for leaving the crowded bed? Or is there something more?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Hi Plan 9,

She is seeing a therapist every week. Also we are seeing a couples Therapist who says we are doing great. I have access to her phone records and facebook pages. so far nothing since Dday. But that's nothing because she knows I have access. She tells me everytime what she is doing. Un fortunately she is still in contact because she works for him. She has pulled me aside and told me she is working on a transfer to a different department and it should take about 6 months.
I brought the issue of her working with her ex in one of our Therapy sessions and the Therapist said it is not a big deal. To let the birdie fly so to speak. Let her workout her issues. My therapist has said the same thing. Also adding that everything she has seen and heard about our situtation does not point to my wife still being in the affair. In fact the therapist said that everything points to her working to get back to me.

It's just it all seems to good to be true. She was lied to me in the past so what is the difference now? She is doing all the little things to show me she loves me. And tells me so.

Yes, it was Phisical She said I have made up there relationship t be bigger than what it was. But how do I really know that?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ch123 View Post
Hi Plan 9,

She is seeing a therapist every week. Also we are seeing a couples Therapist who says we are doing great. I have access to her phone records and facebook pages. so far nothing since Dday. But that's nothing because she knows I have access. She tells me everytime what she is doing. Un fortunately she is still in contact because she works for him. She has pulled me aside and told me she is working on a transfer to a different department and it should take about 6 months.
I brought the issue of her working with her ex in one of our Therapy sessions and the Therapist said it is not a big deal. To let the birdie fly so to speak. Let her workout her issues. My therapist has said the same thing. Also adding that everything she has seen and heard about our situtation does not point to my wife still being in the affair. In fact the therapist said that everything points to her working to get back to me.

It's just it all seems to good to be true. She was lied to me in the past so what is the difference now? She is doing all the little things to show me she loves me. And tells me so.

Yes, it was Phisical She said I have made up there relationship t be bigger than what it was. But how do I really know that?
She has to go no contact MAN!!! no other way around it!!!
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Hi sinnister,

No abuse involved. Just neglect on my part. She is geting over it slowly.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Has she quit her job?
Has she stopped all contact with the coworker?
Did you blow up the affair to everyone in the family so they know you are not the bad guy?
Has she displayed any real remorse? Sounds more like she was trying to decide between you and the coworker. And she shouldn't be given a choice. She should be given a kick in the rear, and see if the coworker will catch her.
Have you told the coworker's wife?

Most importantly:
Why are you reconciling with a woman that is not into reconciling with you 100%?
She sounds more like a fence sitter. Hoping the coworker will come back to her, but if he doesn't, well, she has plan B in the wings ready to scoop her up. (and plan B is you)
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

START HERE READ IT, READ ALL OF IT, SLOWLY AND THEN READ IT AGAIN

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Also read Not Just Friends and get a new MC, the one you have is a quack...NO WAY should she be working with him
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

WTF!
She is still in contact with the coworker?

No wonder she is putting <50% effort into reconciling with you. She is putting the rest of her effort into showing the OM what a great catch she is to him!

Dude, your wife needs to quit her job, or she can quit the marriage. Forget what your counselor says.
For her to keep going to work and see the OM everyday, is like, your kidnappers wanting to stay in contact with you after they let you go.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Hi Struggling,

My therapist recommended that i do not commit relationship sewer side by exposing the affair at her work. This would in the end hurt me more and everyone else. So i have standed down for now. I do not have any proof of the affair continuing. Just my wife telling me she loves me and working with the Therapist.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

She works "for him"? And you believe it's over? Oh, man.

Is she having sex with you again yet? Or is she remaining faithful to her affair partner? Did you expose? Is he married, and if so, did you tell his wife?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

You have a bad therapist. You have a "rug-sweeping" therapist.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is at a crossroads, I could use an outside perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ch123 View Post
Hi Struggling,

My therapist recommended that i do not commit relationship sewer side by exposing the affair at her work. This would in the end hurt me more and everyone else. So i have standed down for now. I do not have any proof of the affair continuing. Just my wife telling me she loves me and working with the Therapist.
Think about what you are saying here, She has a PA with a co-worker, her boss in fact...how in the hell can she tell you she loves you and continue to work with a guy she banged...oh yeah thats love alright....Read the newbie link...please read it.
You dont have to expose, just demand she quit...
"It's him or me babe, him or me" you dont have to stand down, by doing so, you appear weak in her eyes, if your weak how could you be attractive to her?
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