when do you need hard evidence to act?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » when do you need hard evidence to act?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 12:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default when do you need hard evidence to act?

Sorry I have been away for awhile life has been keeping me busy. I noticed a lot of people debate the situations where 100 solid proof is necessary before acting.

IMHO It is all about finding out how far along the affair has been going on, what stage it is in, and what you are willing to do based off of what you know.

Affairs where the two involved have only known each other for a short time, days or weeks, and that are in the early EA stages, where there is the beginning of inappropriate conversations, and emotional connections. I noticed that alot of EA can be ended with exposure or confrontation without a smoking gun. Provided the BS is willing to take the steps necessary, full transparency, NC letter, alter working conditions, and not be swayed by the misdirections and misinformation that the WS will throw at the BS. Don't ignore smoking guns. But ending it early and not waiting for the smoking gun can prevent a PA and save a marriage.

Yes there is always a chance they could go underground more, but on the whole if they have only known each other for a month or less before the EA, then you will probably complicate the relationship to the point where it isn't worth it for one of the AP's.

IF the AP has known the WS for longer than a month then I would say that there has been ample opportunity for an EA to take root. Especially if the OP is a coworker, ex, or childhood friend then you want a smoking gun. With long term friendship there is always an opportunity for things to escalate. You may also be used to the AP and are oblivious to certain Affair indicators. In this situation you want to find every single shred of evidence that neither of them can just brush off as harmless friendship.

If the EA has been happening for a month or more, regardless of how long the BS has known the AP. Then you are probably dealing with deep emotional attachment. IT is likely you will need a smoking gun.

A smoking gun can be:
message, text, or email : with references to sexual encounters, intent to have sexual encounters, setting up meetings outside of work situations where you have no knowledge of them meeting,

pictures:
sexual in nature, even a non-sexual picture that is private to your WS should be a red flag, pictures that have the WS and AP together with only them in the picture.

VAR recordings:
Any var setup in a vehicle where there is another woman in the car without another person present is a major deal. (a married man has no business with another woman in his car alone.)

No you don't have to sit around waiting for the perfect smoking gun. any collection of emails with intent is a smoking gun.

I think most people wait for a smoking gun because they want out of the marriage and they are just waiting for the shoe to drop. That way they can leave the marriage with a clear conscience. If that is the case be warned that waiting will hurt.
IF you plan on reconciling, do not wait for the perfect smoking gun. As soon as you have any number of the evidence above act. You can always find more evidence but trust me there will never be enough evidence.

Feel free to agree disagree. But I just see alot of confused BS sitting on the fence that want to save marriages, and the opportunities to save the marriage just passes then by because they are waiting for the video, or that picture, or walking in on them. Intent is enough.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: when do you need hard evidence to act?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badbane View Post
Sorry I have been away for awhile life has been keeping me busy. I noticed a lot of people debate the situations where 100 solid proof is necessary before acting.

IMHO It is all about finding out how far along the affair has been going on, what stage it is in, and what you are willing to do based off of what you know.

Affairs where the two involved have only known each other for a short time, days or weeks, and that are in the early EA stages, where there is the beginning of inappropriate conversations, and emotional connections. I noticed that alot of EA can be ended with exposure or confrontation without a smoking gun. Provided the BS is willing to take the steps necessary, full transparency, NC letter, alter working conditions, and not be swayed by the misdirections and misinformation that the WS will throw at the BS. Don't ignore smoking guns. But ending it early and not waiting for the smoking gun can prevent a PA and save a marriage.

Yes there is always a chance they could go underground more, but on the whole if they have only known each other for a month or less before the EA, then you will probably complicate the relationship to the point where it isn't worth it for one of the AP's.

IF the AP has known the WS for longer than a month then I would say that there has been ample opportunity for an EA to take root. Especially if the OP is a coworker, ex, or childhood friend then you want a smoking gun. With long term friendship there is always an opportunity for things to escalate. You may also be used to the AP and are oblivious to certain Affair indicators. In this situation you want to find every single shred of evidence that neither of them can just brush off as harmless friendship.

If the EA has been happening for a month or more, regardless of how long the BS has known the AP. Then you are probably dealing with deep emotional attachment. IT is likely you will need a smoking gun.

A smoking gun can be:
message, text, or email : with references to sexual encounters, intent to have sexual encounters, setting up meetings outside of work situations where you have no knowledge of them meeting,

pictures:
sexual in nature, even a non-sexual picture that is private to your WS should be a red flag, pictures that have the WS and AP together with only them in the picture.

VAR recordings:
Any var setup in a vehicle where there is another woman in the car without another person present is a major deal. (a married man has no business with another woman in his car alone.)

No you don't have to sit around waiting for the perfect smoking gun. any collection of emails with intent is a smoking gun.

I think most people wait for a smoking gun because they want out of the marriage and they are just waiting for the shoe to drop. That way they can leave the marriage with a clear conscience. If that is the case be warned that waiting will hurt.
IF you plan on reconciling, do not wait for the perfect smoking gun. As soon as you have any number of the evidence above act. You can always find more evidence but trust me there will never be enough evidence.

Feel free to agree disagree. But I just see alot of confused BS sitting on the fence that want to save marriages, and the opportunities to save the marriage just passes then by because they are waiting for the video, or that picture, or walking in on them. Intent is enough.
Great information, I guess I have been waiting for more evidence and yes.. It has been a while now waiting for the catch. I guess my smoking gun showed up last week. Lipstick on his shirt but sord of hidden, because it was on the inside of the shirt. This is it for me! My life is more valuable then to be mistreated my husband whom said he loves me & wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
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