Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 01:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

So, I've been married almost 8 years, together 13. We have a 2 & 3 year old. we've been fighting more recently and I've just felt a big distance. So H comes to me and says that he is done, wants a D...what? I sob, we fight, we talk... then 4 days later he drops a bomb. He has been cheating. several one night stands before we had kids, then this last one started out as just sex, then turned emotional. I was devastated. I was completely thrown about the early marriage cheating. We went to a MC the next day. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, fell out of love with me and doesn't know if he ever loved me. The kicker, while he decides what he wants to do...he wants to keep talking to the OW.

I would like to try to work on our marriage, see if I can forgive and if he can stop cheating. He wants to sleep on the couch and talk to both of us. I have read divorce rememdy starting doing 180s. I know that the state of our marriage involves me...not the affair part! I just feel so lost as to what to do! It kills me that he won't stop talking to this woman, I guess he doesn't love me. At least that is how I feel.

I have told my boss and my family, but he doesn't know that. He is only really talking to one friend about it. I'm scared to tell him I've told them for fear he will leave, but really...he's already gone. I make his dinners and lunches, coffee. And as of last week he no longer show me any affection. I'm just so full of fear. I am stuck. Any suggestions or people who have been there would really help!!
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

Wow,
I can really feel for you, as I do was asked for D before finding out about my husband's EA. IMO, why would you want to hold on to someone who had ONS before you had kids, and then an affair recently.
If he wants a D, I don't think it's fair for him to string you along. He is enjoying having both of you around, and no matter what the state of the marriage was, it was still no excuse for him to cheat.
I know how you feel too about being scared if he knows you told others. Mine told me "If you tell her husband I will divorce you!" Sounds like your husband cares more about what others think of him than you do.
I know you are probably devastated right now, but it does get better. Hang in there.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

There is no chance of fixing anything with a 3rd person in your marriage.

Step 1: Remove her at all cost. Non-negotiable.
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Don't say never
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

Trust me, I've asked myself that as well. He has expressed serious remorse. He had a super messed up childhood and said that those ONS almost lead him to suicide. He got on meds and hadn't done it in years. I will say that when we had kids, I didn't keep our relationship a priority. The past year has been tough. He wants to never do it again...if he decides he wants to work on things. He is seeing IC, as am I and she is also our MC.

Pit of my stomach-So, end it or get out?
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Trust me, I've asked myself that as well. He has expressed serious remorse. He had a super messed up childhood and said that those ONS almost lead him to suicide. He got on meds and hadn't done it in years. I will say that when we had kids, I didn't keep our relationship a priority. The past year has been tough. He wants to never do it again...if he decides he wants to work on things. He is seeing IC, as am I and she is also our MC.

Pit of my stomach-So, end it or get out?
It feels raw right now. Give it time. I have 2 little ones as well. Felt like a robot going through the motions. Glad he is showing remorse. Is he a good dad?
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It feels raw right now. Give it time. I have 2 little ones as well. Felt like a robot going through the motions. Glad he is showing remorse. Is he a good dad?
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He is a good dad, but I do almost everything. I stayed home for the first 2 1/2 years and now I work 2 days a week. The kids are pretty much the main reason I am willing to work on this. I do love him very much, but this one foot in one out is BS. It's like he has no idea what is at stake. I've spent the last 5 days just giving him space, me going out with friends one night. He just seems to be getting angry at me for that.

I don't know. I'm just so lost and my god, what a crappy time of year for him to spring this on me!!

Also, where are you in your sitch?

Last edited by Tawanda; 12-10-2012 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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He is a good dad, but I do almost everything. I stayed home for the first 2 1/2 years and now I work 2 days a week. The kids are pretty much the main reason I am willing to work on this. I do love him very much, but this one foot in one out is BS. It's like he has no idea what is at stake. I've spent the last 5 days just giving him space, me going out with friends one night. He just seems to be getting angry at me for that.

I don't know. I'm just so lost and my god, what a crappy time of year for him to spring this on me!!
What I love about this site is it allows us to vent and that has helped me so much. I was working full-time up to a couple months ago and now I too work 2 days a week. I only wish he said the D word before so I would be able to support myself financially.
Yes, Xmas is the worse for him to put this on you. Focus on your kids and yourself. You will lose a lot of weight and sleep. It will be hell. Don't make decisions when you are in this state. Wait till u feel calmer. Trust me, you will feel stronger and better soon. And when you do, you will start getting angry, because no matter what kind of childhood he bad, you and the kids don't deserve that.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

I am sorry - you are in a lot of pain due to your husbands choices and lies.

To clarify, remorse looks more like 'I will cut off all contact with her and give you access to everything to prove I am sincere'.

He is dictating what will and will not occur. He is saying you are his Plan B if OW doesn't work out.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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What I love about this site is it allows us to vent and that has helped me so much. I was working full-time up to a couple months ago and now I too work 2 days a week. I only wish he said the D word before so I would be able to support myself financially.
Yes, Xmas is the worse for him to put this on you. Focus on your kids and yourself. You will lose a lot of weight and sleep. It will be hell. Don't make decisions when you are in this state. Wait till u feel calmer. Trust me, you will feel stronger and better soon. And when you do, you will start getting angry, because no matter what kind of childhood he bad, you and the kids don't deserve that.
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We don't! He has even said that multiple times. You deserve better! Well...I do!

It's just hard when the few people I have told think I'm nuts for not kicking him out. I do have one person who says I'll know when I'm ready to make a decision. I figure I'll be freaking out just as much with him gone or here if he's talking to her. It's not like we are working on our M. I'm working on me, getting a life, reacting to our "same fights" differently. To make matters worse, he just got a paycut so there is no way right now we can support 2 places. But, if we HAD to, we'd figure it out. But I'm not looking for a FT job for awhile. I have a really great PT job and make great $$ at it. I could get a second job if need be, but he refuses to let that happen should he move out. Plus, if he does, he makes it sound like he expects it to just be for a bit to get his mind clear. Who the heck knows.

I'll try to just be crazy and not make any huge decisions yet. I'm just nervous to tell him I told my family. I'll talk about that next week with my C.

Thanks so much!! My problem is losing too much weight too. I'm a runner and I could barely finish my 6 miler the other day...gotta force feed myself.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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We don't! He has even said that multiple times. You deserve better! Well...I do!

It's just hard when the few people I have told think I'm nuts for not kicking him out. I do have one person who says I'll know when I'm ready to make a decision. I figure I'll be freaking out just as much with him gone or here if he's talking to her. It's not like we are working on our M. I'm working on me, getting a life, reacting to our "same fights" differently. To make matters worse, he just got a paycut so there is no way right now we can support 2 places. But, if we HAD to, we'd figure it out. But I'm not looking for a FT job for awhile. I have a really great PT job and make great $$ at it. I could get a second job if need be, but he refuses to let that happen should he move out. Plus, if he does, he makes it sound like he expects it to just be for a bit to get his mind clear. Who the heck knows.

I'll try to just be crazy and not make any huge decisions yet. I'm just nervous to tell him I told my family. I'll talk about that next week with my C.

Thanks so much!! My problem is losing too much weight too. I'm a runner and I could barely finish my 6 miler the other day...gotta force feed myself.
Take care of yourself - someone's gotta be there for those babies.

Your priorities should be:

1. Your kids
2. You
3. Your family (not hubby)
4. Your household

Stop doing anything for him directly. He can figure out where the washer/dryer is and how to fix himself something to eat.

Be pleasant but no more conversations about the 'marriage' when he is clearly not committed. Keep conversations light, no guilt trips.

Do you have access to his phone/texts/email to see what they say to each other?

Reach out and talk to an attorney to see what your rights are. He'll be the one to have to worry about how to support you and the kids financially since you are mostly a SAHM.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Take care of yourself - someone's gotta be there for those babies.

Your priorities should be:

1. Your kids
2. You
3. Your family (not hubby)
4. Your household

Stop doing anything for him directly. He can figure out where the washer/dryer is and how to fix himself something to eat.

Be pleasant but no more conversations about the 'marriage' when he is clearly not committed. Keep conversations light, no guilt trips.

Do you have access to his phone/texts/email to see what they say to each other?

Reach out and talk to an attorney to see what your rights are. He'll be the one to have to worry about how to support you and the kids financially since you are mostly a SAHM.
Ok, That is exactly what I have been doing. I told him last week that he needs to make dinners on the nights I work, he was ok with that. I haven't brought up our R/M since we went to the MC last week. We did that because I took off for the weekend to cry in a heap in the fetal position...I turned my phone off...so he was pretty pissed at me. I could care less. The session went well. He was as remorseful as one can be while still talking to the OW. Now we are both doing IC.

My ego is just getting the better of me. Get out if you aren't going to stop this right NOW! But, I'm not ready to say that. I'm just not. This is so new. My kids are so little, I'm just going to try to get through the holidays and my oldests birthday at the end of the month. Then we will see where I'm at. I have been doing things for myself. My family is super supportive, so its nice to be over there and not have to pretend. More girls nights. I handed him the sitters number if he wants to go out and I already have plans.

I don't have access to phone, texts, emails. It's his work phone, and honestly I don't want to right now. Until he is ready to work on this, I will assume he is in a full on relationship with her. Though he has said it really hasn't gone too far in the emotion department. He can't say he is in love with her anymore than in love with me. Our MC asked him about his love for me after he said he loved me, but wasn't in love with me right now. He said that he would lay down and die for me right now. Then she asked if he would for OW. He said no.

He's just lost. I know I'm not going to wait around in limbo forever, but I'm stuck with fear right now.

Thanks for your responses!!! It really helps
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Husband cheating and won't stop talking to OW!

I'd also say no more MC - he isn't committed so what is there to counsel on in this marriage. Focus your time and money on your individual counseling - garner strength to stand up for yourself.

I do understand about small children (I have a 21 yo, 19 yo and now a 5 month old). Be the person you want them to emulate - stand your ground.

If he mentions MC, explain that you don't see any point if he's still conversing with her. Not in a nasty way, just matter of fact, and continue with what you're doing. Don't engage if he gets nasty.

It's likely that he'll fluctuate from sweet to nasty and back again.

I'm so glad you've got a great family to lean on. Have you exposed to the OW's husband/bf/family?
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Just stop. No mc, nothing from you, kick him out and file. He must be all in, or all out. If he wants in, NC forever, full transparency for everything, at anytime, forever. He never gets to delete anything without your consent, and if he breaks any of these rules, it's over. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be prepared to end it. You realized yourself he is as good as gone to you anyway at this point, do not tolerate that disrespect and selfishness.
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'd also say no more MC - he isn't committed so what is there to counsel on in this marriage. Focus your time and money on your individual counseling - garner strength to stand up for yourself.

I do understand about small children (I have a 21 yo, 19 yo and now a 5 month old). Be the person you want them to emulate - stand your ground.

If he mentions MC, explain that you don't see any point if he's still conversing with her. Not in a nasty way, just matter of fact, and continue with what you're doing. Don't engage if he gets nasty.

It's likely that he'll fluctuate from sweet to nasty and back again.

I'm so glad you've got a great family to lean on. Have you exposed to the OW's husband/bf/family?
Oh, we aren't doing any MC until he is ready to commit to M. That's for sure. I haven't exposed to OW's family.

He just called me at work. Said he had been messing with me and going to buy me a christmas present and asked which of 3 things I wanted. Ugh. Then I said jokingly "I'd love for you to commit to M" He laughed, then got serious and said "I have no idea why you still want me." I said "Me neither" He is going to C tonight. Said he wished things were different, but they aren't. Hot, cold. Ah.
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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He is a good dad
Yeah! Because every good dad cheats on the mother of his children. Right? Errr... wrong!

He is being a bad husband and a bad father. In my opinion.

But he can start being a good husband and a good father. If he wants to, if he cares enough to.
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