I don't know what to do

lauralee · 12-10-2012, 02:56 PM

My husband has a female friend he has known for 25 years. They lost touch for a few years and reconnected at the time we were engaged. We have now been married for 4 years. He recently brought her around for me to meet her and has been spending a lot of time talking to her. Too much time in my opinion. They speak at least 5 days a week on the phone for an hour or more and are constantly sending each other text messages. I was recently feeling ignored by him. I would come home from work and we would be sitting on the couch together while he would be on his ipad or iphone all night. I finally said something about my concerns and asked if he was in love with her and having an affair. He denied it. I looked at messages on his ipad and saw messages like him telling her he is in love with her and her talking about leaving her husband (she is married but they no longer where wedding rings and are pretty much just roommates). He commented that he would be single if she left her husband. I confronted him about this and he insisted that he is not sleeping with her and that things got out of hand. He admitted that he was speaking to her too much and this was all just talk and fantasy.
He has curtailed the constant messaging while we are together now but I know they still talk all time and the phone calls haven't stopped. He doesn't seem to understand why I can't deal with them spending so much time together. He says they are just friends and have a "special bond". I know I can't take it much longer. I'm crying every day and going crazy. What should I do? Please help!
I haven't told anyone about any of this and it is eating me up inside.

walkonmars · 12-10-2012, 03:07 PM

Wow.
Don't put up with this for another minute. He's slipping away from his marriage and is desperatly "in love" with her. there's not a doubt in my mind - or yous.

Gather your inner strength and give him an ultimatum. But first read the newbie thread at the top of the board.

Kasler · 12-10-2012, 03:11 PM

Ok first you need to calm yourself and remember this rule throughout all this. NEVER beg, plead, him to be faithful to vows. Any begging and pleading should be coming from his mouth after you go through this ringer.

Secondly you need to expose, far and wide. Family, friends, they need to be told.

See affairs are like fungus, they thrive in the dark and exposing brings it in the light. They'll be much less likely to continue the affair idly and in peace knowing everyone they know their dirty laundry, including their own parents and friends.

Thirdly, and you need to do this immediately and without telling your husband or the other woman.

Inform the other woman's husband.

You may think it won't do any good, but exposing to the OW's husband can help you shut down this affair. You think it'll be meaningless since they're just roommates, but if thats the case why is she still married to him? Most likely finances, she sees her meal ticket is filing for divorce she may drop your husband like a hot stone and try to do damage control. It has happened many times.

Lastly, your husband was talking about leaving you, just like that. Then lying to your face after you already saw the messages. This is very serious and a clear lack of respect for you and your intelligence since he thinks he can stonewall you with such flimsy lies.

You need kick him out, he wants to be with OM so much, let him, also file divorce or at least draft up some papers. You may get a bit anxious at the big D word being thrown around but don't be. Divorce is a long process, and can be halted at anytime through it, even just before the judge stamps the divorce papers.

You need to show him what kinda of woman you are, that you won't tolerate his bullsh!t. If you go soft and easy on him, he will only lose respect for you and continue his affair if not have another one some time in the future.

I'm truly sorry you are here, this is a place no one wants to wind up at, but if you read through the advice of those who have been through it, you will be able to apply some to your situation.

MattMatt · 12-10-2012, 03:12 PM

Quote:

I confronted him about this and he insisted that he is not sleeping with her and that things got out of hand.

Then he'd better be the man you married and get things damn well back in hand. NOW!

walkonmars · 12-10-2012, 03:16 PM

I suppose your goal is to get him to recommit to your marriage. It's not going to happen with her in the picture. It's further complicated by her soon-to-be status as a divorced woman. I think your husband is just waiting for that to happen so he can make a decision of his own.

Do you both work? Are finances a big issue? lots of credit? or do you both make good money?

Do you have a strong local support system - relatives or close (not mutual) friends?

You need to start being proactive. If he's holding 'honest' conversations with you and not being dismissive or defensive you need to have a talk about proper behavior and boundaries in a marriage. He's WAY over the line - and he knows it.

John2012 · 12-10-2012, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauralee

My husband has a female friend he has known for 25 years. They lost touch for a few years and reconnected at the time we were engaged. We have now been married for 4 years. He recently brought her around for me to meet her and has been spending a lot of time talking to her. Too much time in my opinion. They speak at least 5 days a week on the phone for an hour or more and are constantly sending each other text messages. I was recently feeling ignored by him. I would come home from work and we would be sitting on the couch together while he would be on his ipad or iphone all night. I finally said something about my concerns and asked if he was in love with her and having an affair. He denied it. I looked at messages on his ipad and saw messages like him telling her he is in love with her and her talking about leaving her husband (she is married but they no longer where wedding rings and are pretty much just roommates). He commented that he would be single if she left her husband. I confronted him about this and he insisted that he is not sleeping with her and that things got out of hand. He admitted that he was speaking to her too much and this was all just talk and fantasy.
He has curtailed the constant messaging while we are together now but I know they still talk all time and the phone calls haven't stopped. He doesn't seem to understand why I can't deal with them spending so much time together. He says they are just friends and have a "special bond". I know I can't take it much longer. I'm crying every day and going crazy. What should I do? Please help!
I haven't told anyone about any of this and it is eating me up inside.

I'll tell you what worked for me:

1. Kick him out and go total dark on him. No contact with him.
2. No crying, begging for marriage.
3. Stay cool as cucumber. Don't show any emotions while talking to him.
4. File for divorce.

Most important take care of yourself.

donny64 · 12-10-2012, 03:19 PM

Cracks me up how people pull this stuff and want to pull out the "fantasy" card. We all have them, but the line from fantasy to EA is crossed when there is any kind of romantic interraction (written, spoken, via pics or computer cams) with another person.

Can you have fantasies about someone you know, work with, etc? Yes. But the minute you take that "fantasy" out of your head and start acting on it, it is no longer just that.

If someone is calling and texting any "friend" of the opposite sex more than they do their friends of the same sex, huge red flags should be raised. Huge.
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lauralee · 12-10-2012, 03:20 PM

He is out of work. We are living in his deceased grandmother's house so I would have to be the one to leave. I know I would have to work a second job to afford rent but that is not what is keeping me. Also, I work for an attorney so filing for divorce also wouldn't be a problem. I still love him and don't want to lose him but can't live like this.

walkonmars · 12-10-2012, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauralee

He is out of work. We are living in his deceased grandmother's house so I would have to be the one to leave. I know I would have to work a second job to afford rent but that is not what is keeping me. Also, I work for an attorney so filing for divorce also wouldn't be a problem. I still love him and don't want to lose him but can't live like this.

Jesus H Chryeeest. So he sits in his grammy's basement texting his old flame all day long? Any you want to stay with him...why?

How old are you two?

He needs to:
1. Grow up
2. Get a JOB
3. Cut the other loser out - totally
4. Pull his weight at home

or

sign the divorce papers and GTFO of your life.

lauralee · 12-10-2012, 03:27 PM

He was let go from his job almost two years ago and still hasn't found a new one. I do imagine that that's all he is doing all day. She works but apparently she can talk to him all the time. I have access to the cell phone bills so I can easily see the amount of phone calls. All of the texts don't show up because they text through iphones which don't show up individually on the bills.

walkonmars · 12-10-2012, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauralee

He was let go from his job almost two years ago and still hasn't found a new one. I do imagine that that's all he is doing all day. She works but apparently she can talk to him all the time. I have access to the cell phone bills so I can easily see the amount of phone calls. All of the texts don't show up because they text through iphones which don't show up individually on the bills.

There's all sorts of ways to stay under the radar: goggle talk; apps; etc. He's spent a lot of time on the internet finding those ways.

Exactly what is it about him that is so attractive to you? Love is a choice - you weren't born under a cosmic sign bearing his name. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Why not make it worth living?

Oh, stop drinking the kool-aid he's been fixing for you after your workday.