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Single Guy Stuck in Affair with Married Woman

28K views 67 replies 37 participants last post by  firedog1 
#1 ·
Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives.

I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met.

Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever).

I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".
 
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#46 ·
It's intriguing how we can fool ourselves into believing what we want to especially when someone is telling us what we like to hear.

Sid, you know what you guys are doing is screwed up and wrong but you're afraid of losing her. For that matter down deep you SHOULD know that she is not unique in her behavior. These are the scripts that play out over and over and you are playing your part by thinking this time is different.

If you for some reason think this lady is special then make her choose. It's really very simple but unfortunately not very easy. If she chooses to stay with her husband then you can move on to someone who is your partner alone. Think about it man. You know she's having sex with both of you wheather she says so or not. I wouldn't want to be in that ...
 
#47 · (Edited)
Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.
The real issue it not about romance. It's about when the old "you don't mess with taken women" which surely was burned in your brain become something posible to you.
Something happened to you to break the rules, it's not reality (the validity of the rules) what changed but your choice of self gratification.

What if this 3% is actually false and the odds are actually 30%. Who cares?
Did the "rule" change depending on the expectation of sucess of intruding in another relationship/marriage? And you excuse yourself becasue you are hopeless romantic? Because if she only could be stronger or wiser enough to see you are her KISA then this love-to-be finnaly would become a reality?

Good lord.
 
#49 ·
Oh and I know that 3% looks attractive right now. Against all odds, etc. But that is at 5 years.
At ten years the chances of the relationship surviving are. [read this slowly] statistically insignificant.

I assume you want a long term relationship at some point. .This affair is just stopping you from finding the person you are going to have it with.
 
#51 ·
Dude,
your moral compass isn't challenged, it's cracked and all the fluid leaked out. Now it's stuck on South.

Here's something everyone on this forum learns. Cheaters lie. They lie to their spouse, they lie to the OM (you), they lie to themselves. If she would lie to the man she vowed to be faithful to her whole life you think she would be honest with you? She's promised you nothing.
 
#52 ·
And one last thing.
We learn the hard way one constant in this.

Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie.

She does have sex with her husband. Sorry dude, that is just how it works. Your getting sloppy seconds.

She will try and string you along for as long as possible.

She has no intention of losing access to her kids and if you continue this affair then she WILL lose at least 50% access.

If you love her. GO!
 
#53 ·
I've just read through this entire thread and keep thinking that I will see some complexity in the problem. I don't, though. This is easy.

You want to find a hopeless romantic here & you've found one in me. What I will say is that the most romantic thing you can possibly do is let this woman go. You do it for her family's sake, you do it for your sake. Most of all, you do it because it is the honorable thing to do.

There is absolutely nothing more romantic than a grown man standing up for principle and honor.
 
#55 · (Edited)
I find it simply amazing and appalling that he comes to an infidelity website, seeking advice from those who are the very same people he (and others like him) are responsible for having a need to be here in the first place. Seeking advice from the very people he traumatized, and actually have the nerve to call it romantic on top of that.

What it is is sleazy, amoral, and downright filthy!

Just WOW!
 
#56 ·
Kasler... I do know about this man. I have not taken her word for word and believe every single thing she has said. I have had contact with him, I have spoke to her brother and best friends at length and have a good picture of their entire marriage. And you can't make assumptions about her time, schedule or his tactics. Yes he is controlling to a degree that is unbelievable. Cabin_Fever...LOL....Zookeeper you seem to be one of the most level headed on this sight, saying the same things everyone els is but in a way that is relatable..3PUtt, as bitter as you seem to be are don't think you would ever be someone that should be saying anything!!! But overall this has been very helpful.
 
#61 ·
Warlock, I have not posted this in any other section of this site but maybe I am in the wrong one idk?...EleGirl, Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone, demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving, etc, etc. But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.
 
#62 ·
EleGirl, Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone
A GPS on a phone is not necessarily controlling. If it was because she’s having an affair and he wants to know if she’s lying to him it’s not controlling. It’s finding out the truth. So we still do not have enough info to judge this one.

When did he put gps tracking on her cell?
demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving, etc, etc.
The above is not being controlling. Legally neither of them can kick the other out of the marital home.

Telling her to leave is selfish and mean, it’s not controlling. Refusing to leave is his right under the law.

So what are some examples of him being controlling?
But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.
Your writing here makes no sense. What ultimatum is the only alternative after Christman.
 
#64 ·
But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.
I don't understand too much the last line but I asume the ultimatum you are talking about is the one you are going to deliver her to get off the fence (stop cake eating) after the holidays (so you feel better of not screwing up vacations for their kids in case she choose you).
So... it's seem you are determined to become a home wrecker at all costs. Well... after Xmas. To save this woman from this monster of a husband...
What a shame.
 
#65 ·
Yes there are two distinct issues here.
1 Will she or should she work things out with her husband.
2 Will you and her get together.

The problem is that these need to be dealt with in series and not parallel. As long as she and her husband are still together then you should not be in the equation.

Again right and wrong and what you should do here is very simple but it's not easy for you and it's not what you want to hear. You may keep searching for justification but it doesn't change the fact that you are the OM and she is cheating on her husband. There's going to be very little sympathy on any pro marriage forum for you.
 
#66 ·
Imo this is quite a a grey area situation (personally I do have some sympathy for you).
For your own sake walk away, she is either stringing you along or doesn't have the personal strength to walk away, if is the latter then she will have to find the strength to leave him herself there is nothing you can do to help her with that.
 
#67 ·
Abitlost...thanks one of the few with any sympathy but thats ok. To answer your question she does not have the strength in my opinion. Either way I know what I have to do...after Christmas its goodbye until she makes the decision. Hardest thing in world to do and gonna be tough not to fall back into old patterns.
 
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