Did your WS call you "controlling"?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2012, 11:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Did your WS call you "controlling"?

This seems to be a common accusation.

I'm just wondering what they used as an example in your case...
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Before or after the A?
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Yup, I was the WS. When he kept accessing my text records, I threw a tantrum and got a new phone on my own plan so he couldn't spy.

When he said I had to drop all contact with OM I had a fit.

When he said I had to drop any friends who knew, I told him he was controlling.

Here's the thing - when I finally pulled my head out of my backside I realized none of these things were unreasonable considering what I had done.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Whoops..!

Sorry, I meant before the A
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Before the A, no never said I was controlling. He was pretty much free to do what ever he wanted. I never thought he would have an A after knowing what I went through growing up with a father that cheated on my mother.

After the A, hell yes! He said he has no freedom and he isn't going to become my BIOTCH because of his A! He even told me "why do you want the passwords to all my accounts, do you really think I would be sending and receiving emails/calls to those accounts if you are checking them." Hence the divorce is on.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

No, but I had no need to, there weren't any demands.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

No, my husband was not controlling at all. Even now, it doesn't feel like controlling. I know though, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I do anything to break NC or have inappropriate contact with any other man, then he will be gone. So that's on me. He's not controlling me; I know his limits and I am finally respecting them.
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Old 12-11-2012, 05:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Yes. Calling me "controlling" was a major factor in my wife's rationalization for her affair.

She just knew I wouldn't like her new BFF's, so she made up stories about them which made them more "family values" - I forced her to lie, apparently. I would actually have the nerve to ask where she was going with her "happily married" friends when they went clubbing. Apparently their "husbands" were completely OK with them going out and staying out late - and I was being insecure. (Note: turns out they were ALL divorced/separated/having affairs and on the prowl. Every one.) I would often wait up to until she was home - which is a terrible thing to do.

Sometimes, if I took our daughters to the cottage for the weekend in the summer, I would ask my wife what she was planning to do. After I discovered the EA (which as it turns out was actually a PA and already over) I asked my wife for her Blackberry password.

Obviously, I was a control freak and thus responsible for the breakup of our marriage.
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Old 12-11-2012, 05:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Yes. My wife doesn't actually say the word controlling. But she says "you never gave me space to figure things out."

Even though she had her little fvck pad for a month where she could go and see the OM any time she pleased. I was smothering her.

Turns out I was right, she can't stop seeing this prick. One day she will realize how fvcked in the head she is and realize the stuff I asked for wasn't all that unreasonable after all.

But at this point, who gives a sh!t.

Crap, answered all of this wrong...

I was never called controlling before all of this happened. She had all the freedom in the world.
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Old 12-11-2012, 05:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Being controlling comes on in a moment. It is the moment when you say "No. I will not accept this"
I will not allow myself to be so disrespected and treated with contempt.
You are guilty of trying to stop them having an affair. Whatever..
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Controlling? That is one of the nicer complaints she had of me and our 30 year marriage. (I brow beat her is my favorite). Found out last week when talking to my middle daughter (25, and the only one of my three kids currently talking to my x, "it's like a job dad!") that her new husband (married six months after I found out about the A) now has turned in her$10 a month cell phone to save money (he says). Want to talk to her? Call his cell and he will put her on the line, no land line. Who is a bit controlling now? Basically the WS will tell anyone who will listen a lot of things. One of the symptoms of the disease. I have come to realize that those that know me, know the truth. Heck with the rest.
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Being controlling comes on in a moment. It is the moment when you say "No. I will not accept this"
I will not allow myself to be so disrespected and treated with contempt.
This.

She was sorry I caught her. Then when I told her to delete a number of Facebook friends and not go to her high school reunion, I was controlling.

She was having cyber with 2 guys from her graduating class, the reunion was 1 month after Dday. I knew I would punch them if I saw them and no way was she going alone. Turned into a big fight. I finally said, fine, she could go and I would spend that night packing her stuff. She decided to stay home. Good choice.

It's not like we can hold our WS hostage. They have a choice too. They can be compassionate and understand the BS need for transparency and NC, or they can leave. Staying and complaining about it is a red flag.
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

Controlling? Me? Yeah, I was called that a LOT. Before her affair she could tell me she'd be home late and I'd never ask why or where she was going to be. During her affair (after i found out), asking what time she'd be home from work was apparently the worst thing in the world I could've done to her. Everything turned into my controlling her. She tried to blame me for being controlling our entire 20 years together. I wasn't nor will I ever listen to that excuse. It's just not true.
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

For me, when I decided that I didn't want my fiance to continue the charade of his "special friendship", he cut her off without complaint.

It was everyone else who called me controlling. I'm convinced that a lot of women who defend male/ female friendships do so because they are up to something or would like to be in any case.
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Old 12-11-2012, 07:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did your WS call you "controlling"?

This was an interesting post. I like the ones that cause me to self reflect in developmental ways. As the cheater, before the affair, my Boyfriend wasn't controlling in any way. He was a little bossy when we did things around the house at times. That's his nature though. He is a great leader and a great boss to his employees and sometimes he would mistake me for an employee when we were home doing a project.

There were times when I would say, "I don't feel like I can do anything right for you". Looking back now though it was normally for piddly crap. Sometimes I saw how things I did could annoy him and sometimes I didn't see how he had ground for complaint. Here are some simple piddly examples. Example of truly Annoying - dishwasher would finish with done light. I would take something out and leave the rest of the dishes to unload later. Clean? dirty? he would have to ask.
Example of Not Annoying but a little controlling - I made lunches for myself in the morning and one day he asked since I was doing mine, could I make his as well... 5 years later still making our lunches, he began consistently making comments about things I could have done to make his lunch better... or things he would rather have.. or "is there some reason I can't have a pudding on the days you give me a yogurt" .. you get the idea. That stuff really bugged me and I Rarely if EVER said anything or let him know that I was bugged by that stuff. (Big personal issue resolved now with counselors help)

2 years later,a year 4 months after D-Day. I still feel like he gets bossy but he is still not controlling. I took the evasive action without him needing to tell me what to do.. I read books about how I could make things better, started counseling and I did almost everything suggested. I even did things I could think of on my own to make sure he knew I was serious and that there was no way this would ever happen again.

Point is.. I don't think a BS should be made to work to control the things a WS knows they should or shouldn't be doing excessively or privately.

I know what is right! I understand the Idea that the waywards don't want to give up their individuality and self autonomy. What I also know is in one brief moment I lost control of me...I almost completely ruined the most amazing thing I've ever had in my entire life.

If he offers to give me guidance (some call it being controlling) I accept it with open arms and in a loving way. I believe that as a couple, too much external social individuality only becomes a barrier to sharing and intimacy with each other.
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