I know. I have been doing some cleaning today and spending the day with my pets. I havent been home much this week. That has helped a lot. It just happened this week but I have been thinking about forgiveness. I still love him with all my heart. Is it too soon for forgiveness? Shouldnt he prove to me he wants this to work first? He just called a little while ago and said he is on his way home from his parents. its about an hour and 15 min drive. So we will see how tonight goes. I want to be physical with him but am scared. Im scared that he will be thinking of her. We havent had sex in about 2 months and i am just so scared of the next time we do. Am I moving too fast? I just dont know
For me, I would be very cautious. Like you said, it has only been a short time since this has been discovered.
I'd let him do the talking, watching him. Just be sure he understands HE has the problem and HE is going to be under your microscope.
If you want sex, and can do that, I don't see why not, but to be perfectly HONEST I'd ask him to go get an STD check FIRST, sweetheart!
Don't ASSUME your departed roomie was "clean" and "nice" or whatever....just tell him "Until the tests come back, we don't do the deed regardless of me wanting you...or not..."
Doing this will likely make you feel better too, if he objects, just stare at him with the look: "Non-negotiable...dear".
I know. i have already stressed this to him and he agreed to have it done. I know I have to be cautious because I know the OW has been around ALOT! Thank you for all the advice. It has helped.
He asked for forgiveness earlier. I even dressed up for him...makeup, dress, etc. He is doing things so he doesnt have to face me. Am i an idiot? i want him...i want my best friend back. AI feel as if I read too much into his reactions to me. I feel such a fool. How could i be such an idiot?!
The hardest thing about an affair is loosing your best friend, because its impossible to reconcile the idea of "friend" with the hurt they put you thru.
Forgiveness is divine tho, I feel the greatest compassion I ever showed was to my wife when she started to come clean about what really happened between her and the OM. But forgiveness is not the end of the story, you can decide to forgive someone but still have to pick up the peices of your world, and make sense of what happened.
The only thing that makes that possible is honesty. Truth will set you free. Free to love anew. Your partner will have a hard time with this part because noone wants to talk about thier faults, espically one as personal as infidelity, but they need to be honest with themself and you about what happened. It needs to make sense, the questions must be awnsered until you discover all the "why's". Get thru the "I dont know" and "It just happened" and there is sanity and acceptance on the other side.
It took me accepting that we were both imperfect and not maintianing our relationship properly. We made changes together, and it has brought confidence that is will not happen again.
If you feel the Holy Spirit within you I know you will be moved to forgiveness. If he is willing to help you change the relationship and be totally honest to who he has been he will become a better person, and so will you.
But be honest with yourself if he is not willing to change, and move on. Cheating is a symptem of problems in a relationship. Like people relationships are never perfect, but they can learn from the mistakes. It takes two tho pulling together in the same direction.
Am i stupid but i want him so much? i want the man i fell in love with. I can imagine him in me. Is that stupid? He just turns me on even now. I cant stand him being with someone else but the human part of me wants him so bad. what am i suppose to do?
You need to give yourself time. I've been there. IMO there are people who cheat who do it because they think its fun...they get a thrill off of it, don't want to think of being with "just one person" for the rest of their lives, etc. There are also those who make stupid choices....because they can't deal with stress, have low self esteem, or are searching for something that has gone missing in their relationship and they can't communicate effectively with their spouse to set things back on track. I know my H has poor coping skills when it comes to stress and depression. We finally figured out his triggers, and he is in therapy and taking meds to help with his depression while he learns to change his patterns. It's not a quick or an easy process, but it can be done if the spouse wants to change.
Take it one day at a time, and don't expect things to be solved overnight. As for the sex, wait till he gets tested, for your own security. How much of you wanting him so badly is you really wanting him, and how much of it is you wanting to try to erase the picture in your head of the two of them together? Or wanting to replace the memory he might have of the OW with one that you two make together? It's a completely normal reaction IMO, but until he gets the clear, its best to wait.
Thanks. I know you are right. We talked about it and he told me that he knows what I am thinking and he loves me enough to wait. In one way I am thankful that he thought of me enough not to touch me. In another way Im hurt, I feel as if I am not attractive enough for him. He says that I looked beautiful, is that enough to get by for now? I think I am more confused than ever. I know one day at a time...one minute at a time.
Your beauty has nothing to do with his affair. It's something that is inside of him, NOT you, that caused it. Even if there were relationship issues, he did not talk to you about it to change the situation. How can you change what you have not been told about? Please, quit beating yourself up about it. Do what I did, go to the gym or something. Not for HIM...for yourself...trust me, its helped to get my aggressions out while this all came to light, and the added bonus is i'm down to an 8...smaller than I have been since we had our kids, and my H finds me incredibally sexy...so, even though I did it (gym) for ME...it's the gift that keeps on giving!!
He says it was just the one time. But this woman has lived with us on many other occasions. She is a single mom of 3. I trusted him! I am his 2nd wife. His 1st marriage ended in divorce because she was the one who cheated. So i cant understand how he would put me thru the same thing he went thru so many years ago.
Whoa, a single woman lived with you and your husband?
Man, that would never fly in my book.
Single woman in our house or single man, too many bad situations of one spouse being out and the other being home alone with the single person, temptations, etc.
As a married man, I don't even let my wife's friends/sisters in our house if I'm home alone, if they come over I meet them outside. I try to keep myself out of the 1 on 1 situation when I am alone.
Everyone old me it was a bad idea. But I fel bad for her kids. I love her 2 little girls to death. That why we first brought them in. She lived with us on and off for about 3 yrs. I know bad idea. Believe me, somehing like that will NEVER happen again.
Today was alright. I spent the whole day with my H. We were busy but we did everything together. He even took me out to dinner. He hasnt done that in a long time. It felt good. In a way it felt like old times but I did get these thoughts or images of him and the OW together. I did cry from time to time but the tears didnt last long. Yes, I did throw in some jabs (mean comments). Sometimes they spilled out without me realizing it till it was too late. We go into a little bit of an arguement but i didnt last long and within 10 mins we were fine with each other. Its about 330 in the morning i need to go to bed but i dont want the good conversations that we are having to end. Im probably not making any sense. Im just writing out my thoughts and feeling.
I just wanted you to know that everything you are feeling is very normal...hurt, sad, angry, wanting him all at the same time as confusing as it feels, you are not alone there.
It's also a difficult time for you because you are still trying to process all of this and at the same time trying to figure out how to go forward with your marriage. One thing I would suggest is talking openly with your husband about how you are feeling...your moods will likely go up and down...certain things he says or does will trigger bad thoughts/images but these will fade over time providing you keep an open dialogue and start to feel better about the two of you. It is better to vent how you are feeling now, and let him know you need to do this to work through this and at some point when you are ready you can let it go. You will never forget, but if you throw this back in his face 2 or 3 years down the road, you will never truely get past this as a couple.
I don't know if it's nature kicking in, but it's not unusual for one's sex drive to suddenly appear from nowhere...if/when you are ready (I think it's good that he's getting tested) go with it...it will bring you closer. I have read many posts on this over the months and although I understand feeling as though he doesn't desire/isn't attracted to you, it's rarely the case. It does create the opportunity to talk and figure out what pushed him to cross that line with her...sex was lacking and she pursued him at a time when he was weak...they developed a friendship and he felt he could talk to her, etc...anything along those lines are things you can both do to get your marriage back on track.
Also think about yourself...if sex was lacking, why? Have you built up resentment or are there things missing for you? Get it all out in the open so you both feel happy within your marriage.
Good luck & hang in there...you are definitely not alone.
Re: just found out about cheating husband
