Hi. I just found out that my husband of 7 yrs slept with someone I considered a friend. I am at a hotel for the night. He slept with her with I was out of town this week in MY house in MY bed. How could I have been so blind and stupid? I dont know what to do. A part of me still loves him but I can ever trust him let alone let him ever touch me again. I dont know what to do. I feel sick when I think about it. Can someone please help me? Thanks
I understand as my H had a affair with our neighbor who was my friend in our house and our bed too.
Were they having an affair or was it a one time thing? Since you just found out you'll go through many emotions like a rollercoaster ride. The best thing is talking with him.
I can understand you wanting to get out of the house tonight but I think talking with him will be the best for you both. I still have issues with myself being so blind and stupid as well. But we can't feel that way. I know my H lied and made me feel like I was crazy when I questioned things that seemed a little odd.
Keep reading on this site. It has helped to know so many people in the same situation your in now. I hope your H is willing to do all that you need in order to help you recover. It does get better with time.
Unfortunately for me my H wasn't helpful enough. I've lost the emotional connection and feel were over but many other people have survived this tragedy but a lot of that has to do with your WS and helping you get through this.
He says it was just the one time. But this woman has lived with us on many other occasions. She is a single mom of 3. I trusted him! I am his 2nd wife. His 1st marriage ended in divorce because she was the one who cheated. So i cant understand how he would put me thru the same thing he went thru so many years ago.
I can't understand why anyone would put someone they loved through this but that isn't what goes through their head. Its a totally selfish act. You don't enter the picture. I think you are right you need time away. Do you two have children together? Assuming there are none, I think you need some time to think and to be away from him.
Problem with cheaters is they ARE liars. So if he thinks you will stay with him if its only once, he will tell you that even if it was 30 times. You can't believe a word he says right now.
Do you have friends and/or family nearby? You need someone you can be with, don't try to do this alone.
If you do decide to try to reconcile, I tihnk counseling is essential. Also tell him that he has to be completely honest. As it is it will be difficult to build trust but not impossible if he takes responsibility, and is truly sorry and is completely honest and open. Then you have a chance.
I am so sorry, I have been in your shoes. Still am. My husband of 15 years (we'd been together 23) who I have 2 children with cheated on me with the babysitter several times and at least once in our own bed. Its a rollercoaster, funny I was turning here because tonight I'm simply feeling depressed. We are reconciling but in our case he decided to withhold information from me, I got it little bits at a time. That was far more painful and I think selfish on his part. He said if I'd known right away how many times he's sure I would have left. Funny, I almost left because he lied about that after we reconciled. Its still rocky, still don't trust him. I still check up on him and he's really trying to make amends and he feels intense guilt.
Sorry you are going thru this! I've been there and agree with the other posters. I'm going to be very honest though. He cheated on his first wife and now he cheated on you. He doesn't know how to be faithful! I guess whether you stay married or get a divorce will depend on what you are willing to tolerated in the future. And if you can ever trust him again.
thank you for your replies. His first wife cheated on him..just had to get that clear. I know that because she admitted it to me. I ma raising his 2 kids, so my step-children. I kept telling him that this doesnt just affect us it affects them as well. They already basically lost a mother, she left them with him. And now there is a chance that they will be loosing another mom. And their opinion and feelings for him will change. Its almost 5 in the morning and we just talked for an hour on the phone. I know I maybe stupid but i still love him. i told him that it is going to be really really hard but if he is truly honest with me than maybe with counsiling with our pastor there maybe a chance. I told him that I dont know if i will ever be able to stay in that house. I dont feel as if that is my house anymore. we have talked for months about selling...maybe this is the time. Maybe if we have a new house and counsiling and complete honesty from both of us maybe just maybe it can be a new start. Am I talking rationally? insane? hopefully? stupid? I dont know.
I am sitting in the hotel room again tonight. He told me this morning that he would be by so we can talk. He went up to his parents instead. What am I going to do? I feel as if he isnt willing to work this out. Am I stupid? Do I just walk away? I still love him, am I wrong? I am more confused than yesterday. I know god is here with me but I dont know what to do. Am i wrong to try to believe him? Am i wrong to give him another chance? I feel so alone? I want my best friend, the one I trusted and believed in back. Will I ever get that again? Will I ever feel that trust and love again? i dont know anymore.
When I was younger, I always said if my dh cheated on me, that was a deal killer.
But as I've grown older and wiser, I better understand how crap happens to a spouse. And I do NOT believe the "once a cheater always a cheater".
Some people who stray do it and then regret it and have remorse. If you are a person who could forgive or want to try to forgive him once for this one time, then you can try, I see no harm in that especially considering the kids issues. That is important.
I would try to forgive my dh one time because we've gone through some really tough issues and I've not always been there for him nor he for me, and circumstances just happen sometimes and a spouse looks to another for comfort at a stupid moment without intending.
(not sure how I ever got to this resolution because am highly anti-cheating)
I've seen more than one instance where a couple will share their home with a "friend" who is divorced or single out of kindness..and an affair happens.
Best not to expose a marriage to temptations. Did you never notice anything between them, flirtatiousness or eye contact, teasing each other?
They flirted with each other once but alcohol was involved. He told me it would never happen again. Now im beginning to think that maybe something was going on all along. I still love him thats the problem. I am anti-cheating too. You make a vow to someone, how can you break that vow? I would NEVER do anything like that. i want to forgive him but how can i when he says he wants to work things out but his actions are the opposite. I am so confused right now.
I'm sorry I missed that part; that his first wife cheated on him. Not the other way around.
So what was his excuse for visiting with his parents instead of meeting with you? Although I have always been very "anti-cheating", I have mellowed a bit on the subject with age. I realize no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. With that being said, I could go along with forgiving the other person once. But, is that person remorseful and will it happen again? Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem to be there yet. His actions and words don't match. That says a lot to me! Also, where is the other woman now? Did she move out of your house? Has she said anything to you? I'm curious....how did you discover the affair?
He came clean with it the morning after I got home from visiting my parents. I kicked her and her kids out. I drove her back to her brothers house. No, she hasnt said anything to me. He said it only happened once and he is very sorry. I jsut got a text from him about 30 mins ago saying that we will get back together. He hasnt really given me a reason for going over there just that he didnt want to get yelled at again. I told him that he is a coward and not a H for not working this out. I am still here, at home, i really thought about suicide but just dont have the nerve to go thru with it. Is that normal? Is it normal to not feel like a woman anymore? I feel as if took everything from me, my selfconfidience. i dont feel sexy or pretty anymore. He told the kids, my stepkids, that it only happened once and that it meant nothing so no big deal. My daughter says she doesnt want to come home, she is with her mother for another 2 weeks. So hopefully things will calm down at least a little bit. Im just sitting trying to think of what to do next. Im tired and hungry but cant eat or sleep. When i close my eyes i picture them together. Will that ever go away? I cant live the rest of my life picturing that. It makes me physically sick. I have thought about forgiving him but he has to show me that he is ready to work HARD at making this work. I dont believe in divorce or adultry. It goes against God. (I'm a pastors kid). I know God is here with me. I have friends and family that are supporting me which helps. One of my Hs cousins wife and I have been talking. She has been seperated from her husband for 10 months..different reasons though. But that and now on this site has helped.I want to thank all of you for your advice and kind words.
Don't do anything foolish, girl!! Please! I've been there...tried it twice...obviously it didn't work! I'm SO glad I don't own a gun!
Just hang in there. I KNOW it hurts! A lot! It will pass, in time, I promise.
We're all here for each other! Please continue to post, vent. It does help!
Eat some crackers, a little bit of toast. Your body still needs it even if your mind (or heart) says no. A little soup...something. I've been there! I didn't eat for days! Get something inside of you.
I, too, think of them together...but not often. Was she doing him like she did me? Does he do for her what I did? These thoughts are pointless...it won't ever go away...you just have to learn to not think about it.
I am sorry for what you're going through...I wish I could make the pain go away...but only you can do that.
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
I know i should eat but the thought of food just makes me sick to my stomach. I will try food again soon, I promise. And I know suicide is not the answer but when I am in the moment thats all I can think about. Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I really need it.
If it is ONE thing I've learned in life it is NEVER say NEVER.... because it will come back and bite you at some point in life.
Example: You forgive your DH, work it all out, then something happens, and YOU become human and have a human "failure" ONCE.
In the perfect world none of us would cheat, but humans are not perfect and ONE mistake and the forgiveness that follows may be opportunity for grace.
Not that I am TELLING you to forgive, you are the only one who knows what you want or need to do. Wish I could make things more easy for you, but your soul searching must happen and the good thing is, you grow from these things....I know, it is a sucky way of having to "grow".
Suicide is turning HIS issue in on yourself, it is running from this and just isn't a rational option. Your DH has a problem, you do not have this problem of weakness of character, he does.
Talk with him about how he fell, why he thinks he fell. If he can't handle ETOH then he doesn't need to drink except in your presence.
If you focus on "helping" him, rather than anger, it may help.
And I agree with dcrim, eat something and might I add, get out and do something ALONE and PHYSICAL such as run, find a gym with a punching bag, etc. Mental pain creates pent up physical energy that needs to be wasted.
just found out about cheating husband
I'm SO glad I don't own a gun! 
because it will come back and bite you at some point in life.
