Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.
"Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?"
When we first met we were both seeing other people, not in committed relationships, I had been on about 5 dates with this other woman, and she was still in this dysfunctional off/on/off/on/off/on thing with her ex who was also part of her social group.
I stopped seeing the woman I was dating, she ended it with her ex, but I caught her still talking to him, and found out they were sometimes seeing each other. (basically I was in the middle of their *final* dysfunctional *ok it's REALLY over this time, but not* exit) So I ended it with her, and over time we worked it out.
We got married and then shortly after she was pregnant with our son.....(her ex BF was gone and not heard of and they have had no contact, he's now married and awaiting his first child)
So we got through that period and I want to stress the last 4.5yrs our relationship has been excellent on all fronts, normal marriage conflicts come up, but nothing serious.
Even my family, and hers have remarked how big of a change she made *IN HERSELF* and how she manages her emotions and insecurities.
So I want to stress this, she's been to therapy, she has acknowledged that she unhealthily gets her self security and validation from attention from men, even though she's a "hot chick" and thats obvious, she still has body image issues.
Now I don't want to be a freak, my wifes really good-looking and she gets attention from men, and thats just going to happen, if I was uncomfortable with that I'd have married someone who's not attractive.
She LOVES her training group classes, so much she's thinking about switching careers to fitness and physical therapy, she goes 4 times a week, only twice at 6am the class he teaches. And I do not want to say you have to stop.
She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you, when he IM's or I IM or Text him it's literally one or two sentences, we never are having conversations, it's only stuff like, "That was a tough class"! and a return of, "You did great though, drink a protein shake, cause we're doing pull ups tomorrow" I've seen these as well, and sometimes she's in a three way wall post on FB with him and this other female trainer.
I don't want to push my wife into feeling controlled or isolated, for something thats innocent, but also don't want to not say something and allow something innocent to turn into something more. *My wife is somewhat oblivious to male female social interactions, she only knows when someone's hitting on her when it's obvious* But doesn't quite get that the reason it's easier for her to make friends with guys is because she's hot.
I don't think he's doing anything, or saying anything inappropriate, nor she, but I feel like outside of the class I'm uncomfortable with IMing each other. *she's said she's backed off, giving short answers that don't further any conversation*
She's not hiding her phone, or keeping it guarded, she's not making plans with him. I actually think he's more responsible than her. I KNOW he thinks she's hot, he's liked two of her pics on FB, and they happen to be the two "going out" pics of her looking done up.
I have female friends, and I work around models, but she knows my female friends, they aren't NEW. The only time I got angry is when she said, honey really, he's just a friend and I said. "No, he's not, he's not your friend, he's the trainer guy at the gym class you go to, that you just met, he's an acquaintance"
So I'm not going to tell her to stop going to this class that she loves and means something to her, (I'm starting again too), and if it really is nothing to worry about I don't want to obsess and make her feel I'm being controlling.
I said well maybe we should all go out, and i know him too, if he's nice as you say then maybe we'll have things in common too and become friends like I did with my friend Amys husband Eric.