Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-18-2012, 03:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Hey everyone,

I'm new here and could use some non-family, non-friend advice or insight.

My wife and I have been married for 4.5yrs, together for 5.5yrs, and we have a 3yr old son.


About 6months ago my wife and I started co-ed group weight training classes, though I only did it for a month. She's still going and it's great for her because it keeps her in shape and it's social.

Recently my wife has been feeling overwhelmed with work, raising our toddler, being a wife, and not having a social life. Saying that sometimes she just wants to go out and go crazy. (go party like she used to)

The group of trainers at this gym are all a group of friends, guys and girls, I've met some of them and they're nice people.

One of them, before he knew she was married said one day, "sometimes we go to "x" down the street for drinks, you should come some time" Which is innocent enough, but obviously asking her out to me. in the following month I started, he knew who I was because I had started, but never said anything to me.

My wife started going to 6am classes twice a week, in which this guy is the trainer (he's 5'5") teaches.

She asks me one day if it's ok for her to have a guy friend, and I say no I guess not. Then one day he IM's her on FB, and she asks me if it's ok if she answers, and I say I guess it's fine as long as it's not all the time.

But suddenly I'm coming home everyday and she's bringing him up, he's a nice guy, we have things in common and him and Stacy (another trainer) are buddies and he's roommates with Erica (another trainer).

And he's IMing her every other day, and she's not hiding it, it's out in the open, which I think is a good sign. She's said he's not been disrespectful or inappropriate. So generally this friendship has been growing a bit too all the time for me. I understand she's craving some friendship, but I don't think it's appropriate how sudden it is.

Then one day she says that they were talking about The Walking Dead, and he's never seen it, and asks me if I could download it for him. And I kinda laugh because I'm thinking are you kidding? I say no I'm not going to download a tv show for your new boyfriend.

She gets offended and I kinda just say, you know I said you could have a guy friends but it's like he's IMing you every other day and you see him twice a week at class.

She says she understands and will back off, there's nothing going on but doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. She says I want you to meet him. So we go to the class halloween party and she introduces me. But the entire evening he never comes up to talk or anything and she never brings him over, and I get upset and think this is a red flag.

Any way my wife can't seem to make friends with women, the guys in class request her friendship, and I wonder why no girls, she says it's easier to make friends with guys, and I say, it's because you're a "hot chick", OF COURSE it's easier, you don't have to do any work they give you all the attention.

At the moment we had a good conversation about me being uncomfortable and that I don't want this guy IMing my wife all the time and I don't want him to be your only friend, and the only way I can see this working is if I am friends with him too, but that it can't be exclusive.

The problem is that even after a good talk, I'm still feeling uncomfortable. I've checked her phone and saw their messages and I haven't seen anything that raises any red flags, it's fairly innocent.

I'm caught not wanting my wife to feel suffocated and isolated, and not really wanting her to be more than just class acquaintances.

Any isight as to how to go forward?
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

PUT AN END TO IT NOW ! I know many others here will weigh in and put this better than I can, but this is simply not appropriate. She is a MARRIED woman and mother. So that means the days of having close male friends like this that are not relatives is OVER !

Stop it now it it will become a PA guaranteed. And you state that she said : "she just wants to go out and go crazy. (go party like she used to)" Well she committed to getting married and having children and raising a family. That is her "party" now. Good Luck !
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

I only read your title, and the answer is:

H3LL NO. Once someone cheats, they don't get to call the shots when it comes to members of the opposite sex. If they are doing so, then what you have is an unremorseful, gaslighting, gone-underground cheater on your hands.
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

lol. no, this is not ok. he wants to phuck your wife.
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

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Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?
Even if she didn't have past infidelity, this is an inappropriate relationship.

If there has been past infidelity by her, it's unfathomable that you have let it get this far.
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

"Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?"

When we first met we were both seeing other people, not in committed relationships, I had been on about 5 dates with this other woman, and she was still in this dysfunctional off/on/off/on/off/on thing with her ex who was also part of her social group.

I stopped seeing the woman I was dating, she ended it with her ex, but I caught her still talking to him, and found out they were sometimes seeing each other. (basically I was in the middle of their *final* dysfunctional *ok it's REALLY over this time, but not* exit) So I ended it with her, and over time we worked it out.

We got married and then shortly after she was pregnant with our son.....(her ex BF was gone and not heard of and they have had no contact, he's now married and awaiting his first child)

So we got through that period and I want to stress the last 4.5yrs our relationship has been excellent on all fronts, normal marriage conflicts come up, but nothing serious.

Even my family, and hers have remarked how big of a change she made *IN HERSELF* and how she manages her emotions and insecurities.

So I want to stress this, she's been to therapy, she has acknowledged that she unhealthily gets her self security and validation from attention from men, even though she's a "hot chick" and thats obvious, she still has body image issues.

Now I don't want to be a freak, my wifes really good-looking and she gets attention from men, and thats just going to happen, if I was uncomfortable with that I'd have married someone who's not attractive.

She LOVES her training group classes, so much she's thinking about switching careers to fitness and physical therapy, she goes 4 times a week, only twice at 6am the class he teaches. And I do not want to say you have to stop.

She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you, when he IM's or I IM or Text him it's literally one or two sentences, we never are having conversations, it's only stuff like, "That was a tough class"! and a return of, "You did great though, drink a protein shake, cause we're doing pull ups tomorrow" I've seen these as well, and sometimes she's in a three way wall post on FB with him and this other female trainer.

I don't want to push my wife into feeling controlled or isolated, for something thats innocent, but also don't want to not say something and allow something innocent to turn into something more. *My wife is somewhat oblivious to male female social interactions, she only knows when someone's hitting on her when it's obvious* But doesn't quite get that the reason it's easier for her to make friends with guys is because she's hot.

I don't think he's doing anything, or saying anything inappropriate, nor she, but I feel like outside of the class I'm uncomfortable with IMing each other. *she's said she's backed off, giving short answers that don't further any conversation*

She's not hiding her phone, or keeping it guarded, she's not making plans with him. I actually think he's more responsible than her. I KNOW he thinks she's hot, he's liked two of her pics on FB, and they happen to be the two "going out" pics of her looking done up.

I have female friends, and I work around models, but she knows my female friends, they aren't NEW. The only time I got angry is when she said, honey really, he's just a friend and I said. "No, he's not, he's not your friend, he's the trainer guy at the gym class you go to, that you just met, he's an acquaintance"

So I'm not going to tell her to stop going to this class that she loves and means something to her, (I'm starting again too), and if it really is nothing to worry about I don't want to obsess and make her feel I'm being controlling.

I said well maybe we should all go out, and i know him too, if he's nice as you say then maybe we'll have things in common too and become friends like I did with my friend Amys husband Eric.
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hall33 View Post
Hey everyone,

I'm new here and could use some non-family, non-friend advice or insight.

My wife and I have been married for 4.5yrs, together for 5.5yrs, and we have a 3yr old son.


About 6months ago my wife and I started co-ed group weight training classes, though I only did it for a month. She's still going and it's great for her because it keeps her in shape and it's social.

Recently my wife has been feeling overwhelmed with work, raising our toddler, being a wife, and not having a social life. Saying that sometimes she just wants to go out and go crazy. (go party like she used to)

The group of trainers at this gym are all a group of friends, guys and girls, I've met some of them and they're nice people.

One of them, before he knew she was married said one day, "sometimes we go to "x" down the street for drinks, you should come some time" Which is innocent enough, but obviously asking her out to me. in the following month I started, he knew who I was because I had started, but never said anything to me.

My wife started going to 6am classes twice a week, in which this guy is the trainer (he's 5'5") teaches.

She asks me one day if it's ok for her to have a guy friend, and I say no I guess not. Then one day he IM's her on FB, and she asks me if it's ok if she answers, and I say I guess it's fine as long as it's not all the time.

But suddenly I'm coming home everyday and she's bringing him up, he's a nice guy, we have things in common and him and Stacy (another trainer) are buddies and he's roommates with Erica (another trainer).

And he's IMing her every other day, and she's not hiding it, it's out in the open, which I think is a good sign. She's said he's not been disrespectful or inappropriate. So generally this friendship has been growing a bit too all the time for me. I understand she's craving some friendship, but I don't think it's appropriate how sudden it is.

Then one day she says that they were talking about The Walking Dead, and he's never seen it, and asks me if I could download it for him. And I kinda laugh because I'm thinking are you kidding? I say no I'm not going to download a tv show for your new boyfriend.

She gets offended and I kinda just say, you know I said you could have a guy friends but it's like he's IMing you every other day and you see him twice a week at class.

She says she understands and will back off, there's nothing going on but doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. She says I want you to meet him. So we go to the class halloween party and she introduces me. But the entire evening he never comes up to talk or anything and she never brings him over, and I get upset and think this is a red flag.

Any way my wife can't seem to make friends with women, the guys in class request her friendship, and I wonder why no girls, she says it's easier to make friends with guys, and I say, it's because you're a "hot chick", OF COURSE it's easier, you don't have to do any work they give you all the attention.

At the moment we had a good conversation about me being uncomfortable and that I don't want this guy IMing my wife all the time and I don't want him to be your only friend, and the only way I can see this working is if I am friends with him too, but that it can't be exclusive.

The problem is that even after a good talk, I'm still feeling uncomfortable. I've checked her phone and saw their messages and I haven't seen anything that raises any red flags, it's fairly innocent.

I'm caught not wanting my wife to feel suffocated and isolated, and not really wanting her to be more than just class acquaintances.

Any isight as to how to go forward?
Have not read the entire thread.

But, IMO, nip this in the bud. Your wife is playing brinksmanship, testing to see if she can get away with having an affair right under your nose.

Also, regarding the male friends she attracts, obviously she is giving off a vibe that says I am open to an affair, otherwise single or married guys would not want to be her friend.

Also, ask her if it's okay if you cultivate female friends. She may at this point say that's okay, which means she feels guilty about wanting to cheat or she may get really angry.

Also, she might want to address via counseling why she finds it easier to make male friends. That seems as if she sees women as competitors. Those type of women are ripe for affairs.
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Hall33,

You have to understand that many people on this board know only all to well, the warnings signs of an affair. So from that standpoint, it shouldn't be surprising that you've received strong warnings about what "could" happen. I happen to be of the group that thinks you're playing with fire. If it were me I'd err on the side of taking a stand and preventing this contact. But you know what. You know your wife better than we do.

I just hope you're not back on this board in a few weeks, regretting your inaction and dreading hearing the "I told you so's".
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hall33 View Post
"Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?"

When we first met we were both seeing other people, not in committed relationships, I had been on about 5 dates with this other woman, and she was still in this dysfunctional off/on/off/on/off/on thing with her ex who was also part of her social group.

I stopped seeing the woman I was dating, she ended it with her ex, but I caught her still talking to him, and found out they were sometimes seeing each other. (basically I was in the middle of their *final* dysfunctional *ok it's REALLY over this time, but not* exit) So I ended it with her, and over time we worked it out.

We got married and then shortly after she was pregnant with our son.....(her ex BF was gone and not heard of and they have had no contact, he's now married and awaiting his first child)

So we got through that period and I want to stress the last 4.5yrs our relationship has been excellent on all fronts, normal marriage conflicts come up, but nothing serious.

Even my family, and hers have remarked how big of a change she made *IN HERSELF* and how she manages her emotions and insecurities.

So I want to stress this, she's been to therapy, she has acknowledged that she unhealthily gets her self security and validation from attention from men, even though she's a "hot chick" and thats obvious, she still has body image issues.

Now I don't want to be a freak, my wifes really good-looking and she gets attention from men, and thats just going to happen, if I was uncomfortable with that I'd have married someone who's not attractive.

She LOVES her training group classes, so much she's thinking about switching careers to fitness and physical therapy, she goes 4 times a week, only twice at 6am the class he teaches. And I do not want to say you have to stop.

She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you, when he IM's or I IM or Text him it's literally one or two sentences, we never are having conversations, it's only stuff like, "That was a tough class"! and a return of, "You did great though, drink a protein shake, cause we're doing pull ups tomorrow" I've seen these as well, and sometimes she's in a three way wall post on FB with him and this other female trainer.

I don't want to push my wife into feeling controlled or isolated, for something thats innocent, but also don't want to not say something and allow something innocent to turn into something more. *My wife is somewhat oblivious to male female social interactions, she only knows when someone's hitting on her when it's obvious* But doesn't quite get that the reason it's easier for her to make friends with guys is because she's hot.

I don't think he's doing anything, or saying anything inappropriate, nor she, but I feel like outside of the class I'm uncomfortable with IMing each other. *she's said she's backed off, giving short answers that don't further any conversation*

She's not hiding her phone, or keeping it guarded, she's not making plans with him. I actually think he's more responsible than her. I KNOW he thinks she's hot, he's liked two of her pics on FB, and they happen to be the two "going out" pics of her looking done up.

I have female friends, and I work around models, but she knows my female friends, they aren't NEW. The only time I got angry is when she said, honey really, he's just a friend and I said. "No, he's not, he's not your friend, he's the trainer guy at the gym class you go to, that you just met, he's an acquaintance"

So I'm not going to tell her to stop going to this class that she loves and means something to her, (I'm starting again too), and if it really is nothing to worry about I don't want to obsess and make her feel I'm being controlling.

I said well maybe we should all go out, and i know him too, if he's nice as you say then maybe we'll have things in common too and become friends like I did with my friend Amys husband Eric.
Uhm. You need to wake up.

She is testing you to see if she can get away with an affair right in front of you.

She wants permission to IM men and go out and get crazy with them.

My wife is really hot too. She is far better looking than I am although I am more successful than she and a high wage earner.

My wife, during our marriage, never friended other men or hung out with them or phoned or texted them. My wife was the faithful spouse. She was a homebody and liked being home. She never wanted to go out with the girls.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Well look, I'm obviously not blind, even if what she says is true, that it's just friendly and he's not acting or saying anything inappropriate, nor is she, that their IMs are not conversations, but quick one offs, and that she has backed off, and that I don't have anything to worry about....

I obviously have encountered inappropriate things, didn't like the fact that he didn't approach me at the party where everyone was talking, didn't like that he doesn't seem uncomfortable IMing a married woman 5yrs his senior with a child. (she has said he's pretty immature for a 31 year old, and he's got two female roommates, and close female friends, so maybe he's like me, who was raised with sisters and is easy to make friends with girls as is with guys....I'm the same way, I have a good deal of female friends)

I don't care for him "liking" my wife's only two photos of her with her looking cute ready to go out on the town.

I know what a shady dude is, I'm great at judging personality and he doesn't come across as a creep, and he IM's and Texts and calls another woman at the gym, another female trainer and this female trainer does the same back, almost brother/sister-like, and she is in a long term relationship with the owner of the gym (who he's friends with too)

My wife isn't showing the signs of cheating as she did in the past, hiding her phone, being secretive, noticing tons of the same number on her phone. keeping me away (she's totally cool with me knowing him and the boundaries we've set up)

And since a few weeks ago when I really did confront her on the frequency and speed at which they communicate and interact, it's really been toned down, she doesn't talk about him unless it's about class. She's with me every night and if he does IM her, she TELLS ME.

AND, she acknowledges that i'm not crazy and can "totally see where you're coming from and how it can look when you put it the way you have, maybe I've been starved for friendship and wasn't being aware how it could look being excited about socializing again"

*I actually was in a situation where a great female friend of mines BF asked me if I was sleeping with his GF (because we were great friends), and I wasn't sleeping with her, it really was genuine platonic friendship, but he felt threatened, and I told him thats not happening.

So even though some signs of being in the "danger zone" have been there, they've toned down, my friend said there's not much you can do if she's been made aware, just watch for a change.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

She is asking permission to check this other dude out. You are giving it. This is what i see.

Also in the start of your relationship where you say she cheated on you... That kind fuzzy. Because i'm pretty sure that if we hear the other side, you will be painted as the other guy she cheated with.

She has an history of two timing and you are reaching the 5 year mark. If you don't know what that is, it's when biologically women re-evaluate the fitness of their partner and compare it to other suitors. This has deep biological roots and is related to the time it took to stop breastfeeding an infant.

Also, women who can't relate with other women often have serious personality flaws. You may want to look into that.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

"She wants permission to IM men and go out and get crazy with them."


She didn't want permission to IM "MEN"...she does IM men, she IMs right in front of me with her ex husband (who I know, and who's not a threat at all), she IMs with men from high school some times to, and she IMs with male work colleagues. And I have no problem with any of this, I mean I got an email from a female friend at 2 am last week, and I told my wife, she laughed, she knows the friend.

She asked me while we were IMing each other at work, when he IM'd her, if it was ok to respond, that she didn't want to unless I was ok....(I mean, she didn't have to say jack, she could have IM'd him and I wouldn't have known, she didn't have to ask me, how would I have known?) But she DID tell me when he did and didn't hide it and asked me. I said it's fine I suppose, as long as it's not all the time.

It's really him IMing HER. And my wife with her 'i have a hard time coming across as mean or rejecting' feels bad not responding. *thats not just a male thing, she's like that with women too, even women she's got no interest being friends with, she'll be nice to them so they don't feel bad.


".....and go out and get crazy with them."


She's not in the slightest asking to go out with men and go crazy with them, she doesn't want to go out and party without me, and would not go out with a man without me. She wants to be more social with ME.


My wife has no friends......she has one female friend she rarely sees but does talk to. My wife KNOWS she needs FEMALE friends, and she wants them, she's having a tough time learning how to make friends with other women.

**For instance, the other FEMALE Trainer and her have exchanged numbers, my wife asked her if she wanted to get their nails done together....and she said yes. And my wife says that she feels like a loser, like she comes across as desperate for friendship. I said you're not a loser or desperate for pursuing a friendship with a new girl, she gave you her number, she's friended you on FB, she's liked tons of your pics. She feels insecure having to put work into making friends with women. With men she gets all the attention, they do all the talking. She knows that needs to change because she said she wants to respect herself more.


So things have been better because we've been going out and being social, we're working on us, and being aware of landmines. Do no relationships ever repair?
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

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She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you
Things start innocently enough and then blossom, even with the best intentions. Take away the chance for something to happen and then nothing will happen.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.

Read "Not Just Friends" lots and lots of good insight on where things can go if good boundaries are not in place....

it's all about boundaries, what are yours.
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